BPDFamily.com

My BPD ex (we're both women) is well into her fifties and has never been to therapy and isn't medicated either.
She comes from a family where the father was an alcoholic. She got pregnant and had a son at 14 years old and her parents threw her out. She raised the boy all alone and didn't have any boyfriends (nor girlfriends). She never told me who the boy's father is. Her father died when she was in her forties and she was the only one of his six kids that wanted to even attend the funeral (she had been taking care of him a bit before that).
Three of five siblings are not on speaking terms with her "for some unknown reason."
 
When we met and became friends, she'd been living on her own only for a year.
Before that she was in an abusive relationship with a guy who was an alcoholic and diagnosed narcissist and bipolar.
They were together for years though she was scared of him and hated him.
When she spoke about it to me, she was always proud of the fact that she managed to give him the silent treatment (despite beatings) for the last two years they shared a "home." She didn't want to leave because she loved the apartment so much (!) Eventually she had to leave or she would have most likely died at the hands of this person. She left during one of his stays at a mental hospital. Like me, he was one of her co-workers (he started drinking at work and wound up being fired).
When we became friends, I became the person who protected her. She has all these little routines that seem to keep her safe and, for example, she never sits with her back to the door (she's afraid of her ex one day walking in no matter where she is). Anyway, she opened up to me and seemed genuinely happy and wasn't afraid to go out any more. We had a really good time together and we're thick as thieves, so to speak, for a few years. This happiness lasted the entire time we were "just friends." Once we became lovers, things went downhill fast.

Anyway, I've been reading about BPDs being attracted to narcissists but I don't really understand the things I've been reading. Is this even true? And if it is, why on Earth?
I find it hard to understand that she put up with this monster for so many years, returning to him after leaving. Meanwhile I've never done anything bad to her - I've loved her, treated her with respect and kindness and then she ended up treating me like I'm a monster. I know she loved me in her way (especially when we were friends) but then all of a sudden she stopped and she hasn't come back to me even once. I know some of you think that I'm lucky to not have had her come back but I find it deeply confusing that she went back to an abuser many times and cut a good, loving person off with one quick blow.

Like I said in my previous posts, I've been living my life and moving forward while missing her deeply. I'm not ready to entirely give up on her yet, though.

I recently got this advice from Schwing:

"As I understand it, for people with BPD (pwBPD) feelings of familiarity and intimacy seem to be a consistent trigger for their disordered feelings and behaviors. So this might be why, in the beginning of your relationship when your familiarity/intimacy was only beginning to develop, she did not exhibit many disordered behaviors. This allows the "honeymoon stage" to happen for pwBPD.  I imagine for her, she was elated with the prospect that perhaps with you, she would not experience any of these disordered feelings.

But for whatever reason, after a while she started to experience disordered feelings probably associated with fear of abandonment/betrayal (for some it is denigration). So in spite of your actual intentions and behavior, she felt very strongly that you would abandon her.  And for pwBPD, they try to reconcile their feelings with their intellectual understanding of their situation. But very often, for pwBPD, their disordered feelings overwhelm them to the point that their memories are reshaped to accommodate their disordered feelings."

That's good advice but why are persons with BPD sort of more forgiving towards narcissists and abusers?
At least my ex seemed to be so. She kept going back to this horrible person but couldn't stand being happy with me though there was love from both sides.
That's something I find hard to understand.

LuckyTown I would love to know the answer to that question! I might write a post on that! Whilst I was dating my ex she wanted to introduce me to her 'best' childhood friend of 20 years who lived outside London so we arranged to stay the weekend. She pre-warned me her friend was a bit jealous of her lovers so I had to be on my best behaviour.

Long story short, we arrived at the friend's home, she was already tipsy, super nice at first telling us what a beautiful couple we are etc. After a few drinks she tells my friend I am controlling and after a few more drinks she is shouting at her husband and telling me I'm not good enough for her friend. I have never experienced such rude behaviour in my life. I went to bed after that and my girlfriend stayed up with her friend who seemed to be quite a terrible person.

The friend pretended nothing happened the next day so I just stayed silent as I was expecting an apology. My girlfriend then had a go at me for being awkward. It all just went down hill from there. To please my gf I made effort with her terrible friend and we ended up having a laugh and making the day fun so my gf would stop being annoyed with me. But me and her friend getting on just made things worst. She broke up with me the next day (one of many breakups) for no reason.

Her friend treated her terribly by being so rude to me and to her, yet she forgave her friend. Her family's been horrible to her yet she forgives them each time. She seemed to have loved her bfs more who treated her like ___. I really don't get it - could someone explain why pwBPD 'enjoy' being treated like ___? No triggers perhaps? Do only beautiful feelings and actions trigger the disorder?

I imagine, because narcissists (and abusers?) are less or in-capable of developing intimacy, they trigger pwBPD less?  Narcissist lack empathy, so a pwBPD will find a narcissist less connected to them; less connected = less intimacy = less fear of abandonment?

There are other reasons why narcissist are more compelling for pwBPD that have to do with a narcissists grandiosity.  As I see it, they both have psychological issues that "click" more.

Thank you for your reply, Schwing. The less intimacy and less connection -thing sounds very likely. I hadn't thought of that.

I just have to throw this out there/ she may be projecting herself onto him. He might be a great guy and she's distancing herself from you because she knows him longer. If he is NPD, BPDs like drama. Hard to tell... , they do usually lie about their exes for sympathy- you could have just been saved from being abused. Seriously... .mine told everyone I did what he did to me! It's what they do- I also have heard this story many times here about them leaving abusive men and then going back... , there are men here whose exes have been called abusive and were not. Be safe and stay away- you have your glimpse at what it could have been like. Don't be blinded by the fake self- she could be an abuser. Sorry... .

Luckily my ex hasn't gone back to the narcissist!
She left him in fear of losing her life six years ago and hasn't gone back since.
Whenever she talked about him, she called him "The Idiot."
I don't know what the term for it is in English, but six years ago she got this order from the police that keeps her address and phone number secret. This keeps the narcissist from being able to contact her.
The reason I was wondering about BPDs and narcissists was that way back when my BPD ex returned to this narcissist a few times, but she hasn't returned to me once.
And I do know for a fact that my BPD ex's ex was a narcissist and an abuser - I know people who have witnessed this behavior. The guy used to work where my ex and I work and he got fired for being very unstable and drunk.