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Title: Identifying with their pain Post by: Lifewriter16 on September 26, 2016, 03:38:14 AM Today, I woke up with a song on my mind. It sums up what happened with my BPDxbf:
"Killing Me Softly With His Song" I heard he sang a good song I heard he had a style And so I came to see him To listen for a while And there he was this young boy A stranger to my eyes Strumming my pain with his fingers Singing my life with his words Killing me softly with his song Killing me softly with his song Telling my whole life with his words Killing me softly with his song I felt all flushed with fever Embarassed by the crowd I felt he found my letters And read each one out loud I prayed that he would finish But he just kept right on Strumming my pain with his fingers Singing my life with his words Killing me softly with his song Killing me softly with his song Telling my whole life with his words Killing me softly with his song He sang as if he knew me In all my dark despair And then he looked right through me As if I wasn't there And he just kept on singing Singing clear and strong Strumming my pain with his fingers Singing my life with his words Killing me softly with his song Killing me softly with his song Telling my whole life with his words Killing me softly with his song... . When my BPDxbf talked of his experiences, they resonated with me so strongly. I identified with him and felt both his pain and mine. I wanted to save him from his pain so he could save me from mine. Yet, he was oblivious to me, thinking that he was the only one who was suffering and in pain. I felt invisible to him. He resented me, resented my house, my friends, the happy family life he thinks I had as a child/have now. He perceives my life to be so much better than his and he hates me for it. He doesn't see my sadness, the pain from my own upbringing, the isolation, the loneliness and the deep emptiness from needing to be loved. It was always only ever about him. Today, I feel very sad. Lifewriter x Title: Re: Identifying with their pain Post by: Sadly on September 26, 2016, 04:12:13 AM It's a beautiful song LW. I'm so sorry you are sad today. I am sad too, but know this, you answered my posts, you have helped lift some of my sadness by being here and caring enough. I do for you. xx
Title: Re: Identifying with their pain Post by: C.Stein on September 26, 2016, 05:28:09 AM Why do you feel sad LW? Help me understand your sadness and maybe I can understand my own a little better.
Title: Re: Identifying with their pain Post by: Lifewriter16 on September 30, 2016, 04:29:59 AM Why do you feel sad LW? Help me understand your sadness and maybe I can understand my own a little better. I've taken a few days to think about this and all that I can conclude is that I don't know. I think it is to do with there being a lonely, frightened, sad little girl within me. It was certainly the picture that my BPDxbf painted of himself as a sad, loney, frightened little boy that I identified with. My challenge is to find a way to support myself through this sadness so I can express it and grieve appropriately. What I actually want to do, is RUN AWAY FROM IT. Why do I think I am unable to contain the experience of facing the child that I was? Surely I am strong enough to do that now? I think I will try a guided meditation. Love Lifewriter Title: Re: Identifying with their pain Post by: Larmoyant on September 30, 2016, 06:06:08 AM Hi Lifewriter, I can relate to the lonely, frightened, sad little girl within. Sometimes it feels as if I’ve regressed to a stage in my life as a scared, heartbroken five year old whose father abruptly abandoned her. It’s incredibly painful revisiting those long buried feelings (triggered by the BPD relationship) and it’s no wonder you want to run. Guided mediation sounds like a good way to access those feelings. I have most definitely benefited from letting these memories/feelings/emotions come up. I hope you do too. Let us know how it goes.
Title: Re: Identifying with their pain Post by: C.Stein on September 30, 2016, 08:38:46 AM My challenge is to find a way to support myself through this sadness so I can express it and grieve appropriately. What I actually want to do, is RUN AWAY FROM IT. Why do I think I am unable to contain the experience of facing the child that I was? Surely I am strong enough to do that now? Do you think it might be a combination of a failed relationship (and envisioned future) along with the isolation you now face? I think one of the reasons I am still sad is because of the loss of the beautiful future I had envisioned as potentially possible with my ex. There are other reasons as well but I think this particular one is sitting at or near the core. |