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Things just seem to get worse and worse.  My 14 year old daughter attempted suicide on Friday for the second time this year.  She is in a hospital 3 hours away for a week or so while they change her medication.

I have had more contact with uBPD due to increasing visitation with the children.  He is mostly being nice.  Very nice.  Ugh.  But not nice enough to let me have any of my belongings.

My daughter was my babysitter while I worked, so I have to cut my working hours for a few weeks.  I was barely making it financially as it was.

My 7 year old acts out when he is with me.  It is exhausting.  He says the exact degrading things his father said to me and throws things around when he is angry.  When he is with his father he is perfectly behaved.

I am somehow dragging myself along.  My daughters 18 and 20 have been helping when they can, but they both work and go to school so are limited.  My 25 year old will be coming home next week.  Hopefully that will be a good thing, but not sure how that will go.  She has issues of her own.

I think the worst thing is that I miss uBPD so much.  I still love him.  I know it is sick, but I just can't make it stop.  The children and I miss our home and our life and the good side of him.  He is blind and people feel sorry for him so he has all kinds of people from church and community organizations and friends of ours helping 'poor' him.  That really hurts.  They seem to have no regard to what the children and I have been through.  The last 6 months before we left were horrible with him being dysregulated most of that time.  I live in a crappy rental and have very little since we left with nothing and have little money.  Yet he feels like he is the one that has been hurt.  Worst of all he minimizes his abuse of us.  And it just makes me sad.

I guess I am just venting.  Sadly, you all can relate here.  I am sure time will heal things.  But it is going to be really hard having lots of contact with him.  My friends and family don't understand why I do not hate him.  I really do not understand it either!  But it is what it is. 

May we all have a good day, or at least be able to appreciate the good things in our day!

I'm sorry to hear about this LilMe

How horrible to know your child is suffering, you are not alone in this. Keep us updated