BPDFamily.com

Hi all
I am really struggling today with NC.  I kicked him out finally on Sunday 18th and emailed him a final email on the Monday. I have had public meltdowns and little sleep but have felt stronger and more determined then any of the other times I have gone NC. Well not strictly NC as he texted me on Saturday morning saying he was going to a stock car meeting and I could come if I wanted. I replied No but thank you for asking. That was that, however, I have noticed his car is in the same place in his street, hasn't moved since that Sunday night he parked it ( it's impossible to park in the same place in his busy road. I have to drive past his street on my way to town so it's easy to see. I am now really worried. He doesn't have anyone else locally to rely on. If he has followed true to form he would have been online all day every day and drinking until slaughtered every night. He has very high blood pressure, just a % away from hospitalisation and is not brilliant about his pills. I am seriously concerned about his wellbeing but worried that if I contact him everything I have worked at will go belly up again. Just don't know what to do.

Why do you feel responsible for him?  I can understand the concern but his well being is his responsibility not yours.

I know but regardless I do love and care for him. I would be on the staying and improving board and in it for the long haul if he was the type of person who could admit his BPD but he isn't and never will be. This is a concentrated but heartbreaking effort I am making for my own sake but that doesn't stop me loving, caring and worrying about someone I love, however flawed. I wouldn't be me if I didn't. Just don't know what to do.

What about you?  What are you doing to take care of yourself?  Why is he more important than you?

Me, I am planning my holiday to Malta to see my brother next week. Have applied for three jobs for when I come back. Ordered some furniture to be delivered so I can Finnish unpacking into my new home. I come on here daily and if I panic I read the last email I sent him which spelled out much of the distress he put through. I am finally doing every thing I can for me. He's not more important to me than me, he is just still very important. He is a human being with an illness and I don't subscribe to any of this evil or devil stuff that angry people here do, not blaming them, it's just not how I see it.

I can understand still feeling love and care for someone who's hurting, even if they've also hurt us badly. I understand not giving in to anger. I also feel that holding onto love, not anger, is best for me in the long run. (Not saying I don't feel angry at times, just that I don't identify so strongly with that emotion, and I still love my ex and wish her well, though I had to leave the relationship.)

That said, holding onto love rather than anger can leave us vulnerable to other negative patterns of behaviour -- the self-doubt after stepping way, the urge to check in with the person we love to see if they're ok, to let them know we still care, to want to leave things on a loving note.

I don't know how much of that applies to you. But one thing that's been helpful for me when I feel the pull of those patterns of behaviour has been to find ways of acknowledging them and expressing inwardly the love and care I feel for that person. I might remember a happy moment with my ex, and picture holding her and wishing her well, and accept that that's the best I can do now for her and for me.

Obviously, that won't entirely relieve a worry that your ex is physically ill and needs someone to care for him. But you've made the decision that you need to stay away, so having made that decision you need to ask how you can make that decision work for you. If you give up on your decision, you fall back into the same patterns that you seem to want to break free of. Finding ways to acknowledge your love and care inwardly, while also accepting that the best you can do is that inner acknowledgment, can maybe help you set new, healthier patterns for yourself.

I know it might not sound like much to go on now, but it's really about finding ways to set down new tracks of thought and action. And that's a matter of practice -- one little step at a time :)

Thank you so very much. I hear your understanding. I know I have to look after me and heartbreaking though it is not go back but yes it is so very very hard.
On a practical level I have decided to wait until it's dark, nearly is now, then drive that way again. If his lights are on or the curtains drawn I will know he is still alive at least and can come home more relaxed. If they are not, I am not sure what I will do yet. There is no one living around here that could do anything and his family lives 300 miles away. Also his parents are very sick with cancer and Parkinson's disease respectively. I will have to cross that bridge when/if I come to it. It is not my intention to break NC if I can possibly help it. Thank you so much for your reply. 

There, my mind is now at peace. I drove down there, his lights were on, I can now sleep tonight safe in the knowledge that he has not had a stroke or anything, which could be very possible given the state of his blood pressure and alcohol intake in an evening. I feel so much better, not tempted to text or call, just happy I have ensured he is not lying broken on the floor with no one to discover him. Thanks again rfriesen. x

Yes, it can certainly be incredibly painful and very, very hard to get through.


I hear you and I understand the temptation. But, to continue on a practical level, do you think it might be better to first reflect on what you will do if the lights are not on, rather than simply crossing that bridge when you come to it? Flying by the seat of our pants is a pretty good way to fall back into the patterns that currently come most naturally -- that's pretty much the definition of what we do when we fly by the seat of our pants and just wait to "see what we'll do"!

What level of responsibility do you want to assume in this situation? Do you want your ex to know that he can reach out to you if he needs urgent medical help? If so, would it be better to make that clear to him and then to set clear boundaries around that open channel? So that he knows if he abuses the right to reach out to you, you'll stop responding? Or maybe you can ask him to contact you by text only, and only if it's a medical situation? Whatever works that leaves you in control of boundaries, but also gives you peace of mind, if you truly feel you must accept some level of responsibility.

I guess the most basic question is: what do you want to accomplish by continuing to accept responsibility? Is it simply concern for his physical health? Or are you hoping that showing this concern might open a reconciliation? Or?

I do relate to the emotions you're going through, so not the least bit of judgment here -- just a friendly suggestion from the outside that maybe it's best to think through what level of responsibility you want to accept here and set clear boundaries around that, rather than just wait-and-see. :)

Good to hear it all worked out and you have peace of mind for tonight. So feel free to ignore my previous reply ... .for tonight!


Ha, no I am happy to hear you can sleep soundly tonight. Just think about what you consider best in terms of checking up on him going forward. Are you going to keep this up?

Oops, I totally missed that response. Well, it's a lot to think about and this break up is still very new but I can answer honestly for the first time that there can be no going back. Yes the pain of that is debilitating and for me heartbreaking but somewhere inside my head something has changed. It's not the same as before but I am certain. My love and concern hasn't lessened for him but it seems to have grown for me. I won't contact him with regard to him getting in touch if he is ill, I won't give him any reason to think I could return, it's not fair. After all it was me who ended this and he has already reached out once which I gently but firmly rebuffed. I will, until my head and heart say otherwise watch from a distance, just in case. I do have his sisters number and if there was an emergency I could call her even though she is so far away and in an extreme emergency I have keys to his house though he doesn't know this. I do feel stronger, I also think this is the right way for me. I feel I am getting me back which is what I have been wanting for so long. Thank you for caring 

Applause! You sound great, Sadly. That all makes total sense.

Well said Sadly, you appear confident and determined. Keep it up :) !

Thanks guys, I know I have a long hard road ahead and lots more sadness and wobbles but I do feel this is a proper step in the right direction. Very soon his mum is going to die and we absolutely adored each other. The last time I saw her she said, I love you H... ., you are such a welcome addition to our family. Am glad she didn't see him rolling his eyes. He was always jealous of the way we felt. She also once said, thank you for your patience, out of the blue, for no reason, which leads me to suspect she knew something was wrong with him. My ex told me quite recently that his mum had said she should have left his dad years ago. A very telling statement cos his dad is an loudmouth opinionated bully, I'm sure the reason my ex developed BPD.
Sorry, am babbling on, anyway, thanks again for your love and support.   xx