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THAT much?

I'm not a vain person at all.

But when it comes to preferences, she totally changed her style since our break up. It has of course been shifting based on her friend base since she has no self. Well, now she basically hangs around with the groups we used to "laugh together" at. Not make fun of, well sort of, but not in a cruel way more of just an inside joke bonding thing.

Anyway, so she hangs out with them now and she has developed their dress code too. Not just dress, but her hair is changing, her face is changing, she is just beginning to look like them. A friend showed me a photo of her in a new outfit and all i could do was say uh... .

Something i never thought she'd wear.

This all makes it easier to let go since it shows me she isn't the girl i loved.
But i am sort of scared to see the drastic transition.

Has anyone had an ex change her style upon break up and basically everything about her?

I can't imagine conversating with her now. I know even her manner of speaking via text would be different.
Her new style is basically everything opposite of what i am attracted to, so in a way, i guess it is helping me a lot, especially combined with her personality changes.

Hi there Indifferent-

Changed his name, changed workplace, changed living accommodations... got engaged quickly.

Any doubts I had in my mind about "if" he had a personality disorder (or was it me?) went out the window with that information.

That being said, I don't think it's so crazy to reinvent oneself after a series of difficult life changes, I know I have changed a lot as a result of being in that "relationship" but definitely not on his scale of change.

I think what is more important for me to focus on now is my career, my wonderful boyfriend, and my family. Things are good and somewhat predictable. The drama, chaos and pain of being in a relationship with a person so volatile and unstable are long gone.

What remains is regret of hastily made decisions that impacted my loved ones.

L

Oh yes I can certainly relate .

My ex always took care of herself had lovely long hair and has always been very attractive.  Now she is with replacement number 2 both replacements being lesbian just to add insult to my misery she now wears what her new gf wears she had a buzz cut all the around her head leaving just a small bit like a mow hawk down the middle. She wears 0 make up now and generally looks like crap . I see my ex 4 times a week a we share custody of our son . In 4 months since the break up she slowly looks worse and worse . Both lesbian replacements have got short hair the 2 one looks like a 12 year old boy it's scary lol .

Hey Love4meNOTu,

WOW! Changed his name? As in, his first name too? Why would he do that?
Those are definitely drastic changes.  I'm sure thta really caught you off guard.

You're right about everyone goes through changes as a result of difficult times.
But for example, us on this board are making positive changes while our exes are clearly going downhill.
Usually after a bad break up, you begin to be the person you were before you guys dated, but a better version.

BPD people, it seems like they don't become who they were before or during. Someone new, with every major event that happens to them. It is quite sad.

I'm glad you have found stability in your life.
It sounds like you didn't care for the person he was when you dated him.
I LOVED who my ex was when i dated her. It's just a long story. I just hate who she became after, so its sort of opposite of many stories on here.

I hope peace stays with you in this new non-BPD relationship

I don't know if my ex has changed because I have intentionally avoided trying to keep track of her.  The truth of the matter is I don't want to know, it hurts too much.  I have no doubts she has changed to some extent as this is the nature of BPD.

More importantly though is noticing how I have changed as a result of my relationship with her and what I can do to improve myself.

Splitblack4good,

I am a lesbian so let me chime in here haha. I'm attracted to girls that look... .girly, so i can see how you would be caught off guard from a girl going from long hair to a buzz. Your ex is most likely bisexual, because if she was genuinely happy with you and into you, there is no way she could just "become" a full lesbian. She had to have been bisexual with a greater preference for guys. I've tried to like guys during my high school years because i came from a strong anti-gay household. That didn't work, at all and i still love girls. So your ex is probably bi, with a small percentage being an attraction to girls but that is what she is heading towards now. Probably because she is used to being with men, but since she has that attraction to chicks, this new girl girl thing is a rush of excitement for her too.

and we know BPDs seem to get off on the rush of new things.
Not all the time but GENERALLY, from what i've noticed though i can't say for sure since i am gay, not bi, but a lot of bi girls have a general preference more towards guys than girls so usually bisexual girls seem to end up with men not women.

With that being said, since your ex appears to be bi, i highly doubt she will end up with a female.

p.s.

i am not into the sort of chicks you described her replacements as. to each his own, but im right there with you buddy.

Hi Indifferent-

I don't know why he changed his name, I think *maybe* to escape some of the shame that is prevalent with this disorder? I suppose he has his reasons.

After our divorce I have no further information about him, I needed to protect myself from further pain, and I found that when people mentioned him and the situation I would suffer "after" effects of nightmares, etc. for a couple of days.

I am very lucky - I've been with my boyfriend for over two years. I made so many mistakes getting married quickly to ex that I was so gun shy and reserved and... ugh... closed off. That was really tough for us to work through. There were a couple of times I thought I should be on my own and not consider relationships ever again because of my issues.

I was wrong. I had no idea what it was to be cared for, to really be loved, and not just a "show" of love.

It's late in the game for me, I'm 48, I don't really want anything from my partner except love. He has shown me that it is safe to love again, and I have to say, my therapist thought there was hope for me as well. :)

L

C. Stein,

Yes, you make a valid point. It's good you don't wish to know and only wish to focus on you.
We should all feel that way here.

Sadly, some of us come and go from that feeling of hatred/let go and missing them.

Certainly, you're well on your way to being healed just by that quick response, if you can honestly say you're more concerned about your own change than hers.
Good for you.
I wish you well.

As much as I want to focus on moving past this, she is ever present in my mind, however I do not want to know anything about her life now.  What purpose would it serve me to know?  I certainly don't need or want more pain in my life and if I were to keep track of her that would be intentionally inviting more pain and pitching a tent for her to set up camp in my mind.   I want to show her to the door out of my mind not ask her to stay.   :)

I had to repost C. Stein.

There are times I wish I could erase my memory, so that I could leave the pain behind permanently.

There are times I wish I could just start over, remake myself, pretend things didn't happen that did happen... but

OH WAIT

Then I would be my ex, wouldn't I?

L

Indifferent

Thank you for your input on my situation that really helps me . Yes she always said she was bi sexual but in the 7 years I've known her she's always been with men she has 5 children. As you point out its the rush from the excitement with people with BPD . Her relationships with replacements only seem to last 2/3 months at most but she really seems into this one .

i have mixed feelings on the subject. it was alarming to me to see my ex drastically change, develop interests in, and dress in ways that i couldnt recognize. i wasnt the only one - her friends made comments, and she was very self conscious about it.

on one hand i felt some pity. its sad that someone would have an ingrained belief system that they dont fit in anywhere with anyone, and have to change who they are in order to be accepted. on the other, yeah, i found it kind of creepy and off putting and in some ways it helped me detach.

but its scary, like you say, Indifferent28. most of these relationships have what we experience as a soul mate like quality. many moments of great closeness were shared. before my relationship i wasnt aware of the concept that a person could have an unstable sense of self. it was hard to swallow that that applied to my relationship, before it, and after it. it adds a lot to the surreality and confusion that is typical in the aftermath of these relationships. it wasnt so much that nothing about the relationship was real - it was very real in the moment - but ultimately i had to ask, if she had an unstable sense of self, who and what was i attracted to? what image was i projecting on to her? it occurred to me that the mirror was a very powerful draw, because i wanted it and believed in it.

im getting a little ahead of what i think was the point of your post, but what im getting at is asking how you can use this information to come to terms with it and detach. my questions and answers may not be the same as yours, but i think thats where the freedom is.

It's not about erasing the memory for me or sweeping it all under the carpet and pretending that it never happened.  This IS what my ex did ... .she swept our entire relationship and everything we shared together under the carpet.  The only thing she has acknowledged since I was introduced to the trash bin was that we were friends and quite literally nothing else.

I however don't want to erase anything because even though this relationship has caused more pain and damage to me than all my past relationships combined, it has taught me some very valuable lessons.  To forget the past leads to repeating it. 

Beyond that and despite all the pain I did share some of the most meaningful and special moments of my life with this woman.  I don't ever want to forget that even if it hurts to remember.

What I don't want is this never ending conversation I keep having with her in my head, the feeling of still being connected to her, the hurt and pain associated with what happened.  These things I want gone forever.  I want to remember without any strong/debilitating emotions attached to the memory.  Some day I will get there.

Yes, mine was preppy and conservative. Likes name brands and fancy places to eat and stay. Now he is a redneck with an accent. He and his gf are very tacky! He lost his job she left all her horses when she left her husband- she not divorced yet because they had to prove paternity of the baby first- lol their life belongs on jerry springer! I knew his parents are horrified! His mother called her trash when we first found out about her- and remember he has lots of other women. I just wonder how long it will take him to get tired of this life style- he really likes having more like his family. I think anyway- so no- I'm not attracted to him. I'm glad I was with him when he was younger and was good looking and took care of himself- not so much any more- weird! He hasn't given up on porn though- he keeps friending woman on Facebook who expose themselves. Plus his dating profile is still set up... .Interesting, I bet the gf hasn't got a clue.

I began noticing, and still notice (I work with my ex) That it's a good tell when she's found a new shiney replacement.  Basically she will change her apparence  (clothing, hair, make up etc) and interests to whatever she thinks her replacement likes and is into.

The last time I had checked her social media, she added who I believe is or by this point was my replacement.  On his page she was one of the top nine friends that appear on the main facebook page. Next to her profile was some other woman, obviously someone he has regular contact with. What stuck out is that my ex had changed her apparence where she looked like the other women. Coincedence? 

Also I remember going to her apartment and finding new games or sporting goods that she never mentioned liking, also bottles of wine and beer she never bought before.  If I wasn't in the fog and in denial, I would have at the very least realized that ... .Hey wait a minute, some other guy was here. Alas just one more thing to remember every time I get the urge to ride the roller coaster to he'll.

My ex is pretty much unrecognizable from the person I fell for, yes she has totally changed her image as she is mirroring her best friend now, which is a typical promiscuous "club girl"

Thing is that look works for certain girls but not for my ex, she suited a more demure look. She's trying to BE her friend but she just looks like a miniature poor quality knock off of her and it doesn't highlight her natural beauty at all.

Theres one thing that is associated with BPD that I strongly disagree with. That is that they lack a sense of self. I have two uBPD exs and I have seen them go through many obsessions. In the end they always snap back to their core identity. I personally dont thinks its a lack of self but more to do with not liking what that self is and trying to change it.

In the two years since splitting from my exgf she has suspectedly had a lesbian relationship. Dated a man fifteen years older than her. Replaced him with a man ofsimilar age who was a fitness fanatic and is now dating a white gut with dreadlocks. Non of these lasted (latest one still going but i dont think for too much longer) and nor did the character associated with them.

When I think of a lack of sense of self I think there are several possible reasons.  There are two sides (or more) to everyone.  We all present different "masks" in different situations.  For a healthy individual the mask is relatively thin in that there is little difference between what is being presented and who that person is at their core.  As the mask gets thicker the difference between the core and what is being outwardly projected is greater.  The sense of self gets lost when the difference is too great to reconcile.  

I think for a pwBPD the mask(s) developed are so thick they almost entirely lose their sense of self.  I agree that much of it likely comes from self-loathing/self-hatred and a yearning/need to be something other than what they perceive themselves to be.  However instead of introspection, self-awareness and self-actualized change they will allow the outward mask to be fluid and changing, allowing the mask to be externally defined by someone else.  Once the mask starts to harden they have a sense of "self", an identity they are happy with, but it is a false self and this eventually becomes evident when the mask starts to crack from the pressure of the inner chaos and their true self.  

In the beginning of my relationship my ex was almost obsessed with the apparent need for me to "define" her.  She didn't like who she had been in the past and expressed a desire to be more, to change for the positive.  In retrospect she appeared to have a desperate need for me to believe she is a good person with redeemable and desirable qualities.  Problem was she literally looked to me to define those for her.  The person I saw her as, the person she is outside of intimate relationships, was the person I believed she could be fully, but only if she could believe in herself.  This was the problem.  She defined herself through my eyes and it is why she was not capable of self-actualized change.  It is also probably a big reason why I was devalued, replaced and thrown away.

I doubt there is anyone on here that doesnt take on a different persona when in a different enviroment. By this I dont mean we drastically change who we are but just adapt to that particular enviroment. For example if you wear a suit to work you take on that identity. It may not be who you really are as when you get home you get into your comfy joggers and t shirt and lounge on the sofa.

With both my exs the personas they take on are like this but rather than taking the"suit" off they continue to wear it until it becomes uncomfortable and annoying.

Like you said with the mask it stays on until the cracks show.

Eventually they snap from the suit and return to their comfy joggers. They dont like this person yhough. They cannot accept it is who they are and as you say they are not willing to work on that person to make them better.

I don't know if your post makes me feel better or worse.  Your first sentence was word for word my own experience.  As was your second.  And third.  And fourth through sixth.  Word for word.  I bet my future with her on her desire to be the person she aspired to be.  AND she was that person for a long time until the wheels came off.  Uncanny.  Could have written that paragraph myself.

This is one of the reasons why I am having such a hard time letting her go, the stark difference between these two sides of her.  She has the potential to be so much more than the sum of her past.  I believed that then and I still believe that now to some extent.  Outside of our relationship she was an amazing person almost all of the time and it was this side of her that I fell in love with and believed in.  This part of her was carried through into our relationship to a large extent but she needed me to validate that continually without question.  She needed me to believe that she is a good person in order for her to believe it herself.  

That said, her true self came out at times right from the beginning.  That side of her, her "dark side", is what I have come to believe is a result of BPD.  The more damage that side of her did to me, the more I withdrew and distanced myself.  This I believe was perceived as a loss of belief in her and as a result she began to lose belief in herself.  

When she would do/say things that hurt me she literally needed me to forgive and forget immediately.   She needed me to pretend nothing happened in order for her to maintain the mask and believe she is a good person.  I wasn't allowed to be hurt or to have feelings because by doing so would mean she is a bad person in her mind.  Any attempt by me to hold her accountable for her words/actions was either met with child like behavior or anger.

Initially I attempted to communicate with her how her behavior was impacting me and initially she seemed open to communication.  Looking back though I realize that she wasn't open at all.  She would play the victim causing me to feel guilty for being hurt and she never (I don't use that word lightly either) was able to have an adult conversation with me about how her behavior was impacting me.  She would say or do whatever she needed to in order to get me to forget what she had done.  The more I allowed this to happen the more damage it did to my own personal self.  I was sacrificing my personal well being in order for her to maintain the mask ... .and more importantly for myself to continue to believe in the person I wanted/needed to believe she was in spite of her behavior.  I essentially became conditioned to avoid anything that might cause her to feel bad about herself.

When she betrayed my trust to the extent that it undermined everything I had convinced myself was true about her I couldn't move past it, not without her making a concerted effort to right the wrong and hold herself accountable, not only for what she did but for the damage she caused.  She couldn't do it, didn't even try to.  She could see the damage she had done and couldn't/wouldn't face it.  Her mask had cracked so severely that she no longer saw that person she so desperately wants to be in my eyes.  To me she had almost become a stranger.  This is when the devaluing began in earnest and her mask began to become fluid again.  Eventually she found someone that would help her redefine herself, to help her believe she was a good person again and that is when I was replaced.  Four months later I was blamed for it all and thrown away like a broken toy that had outlived it's usefulness.  She sees her true self in me now ... .I became the all too convenient scapegoat.  She may even hate me now but it is not because of me directly but rather because of what I now represent to her ... .her "dark side" and everything she hates about herself.