BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

One of the strange things that I've been thinking about (given all this news coverage about a certain high profile BPD break up) is that not only have I been drawn to people with BPD in real life (2 out of three of my serious relationships in my life) but also I've been drawn to BPD media figures as well, even when I was little! For example I was always fascinated by Princess Diana. Does anyone else share this as well? What do you make of it?

Hey kc, That's your task: to figure out why you are drawn to people w/BPD.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's past, often one's childhood and FOO.  Once you figure out the answer, you are in a better position to change the outcome going forward, in my view.

LuckyJim

It's also a question of why they are drawn to us.

I was never comfortable being in the "pursuer" position.  It was therefore a relief when a woman would be interested and pursue me.  Wow, this person likes me so I must be worth pursuing!  Yay!

But that has resulted in being pursued by women who were looking for someone who is socially awkward and has low self-esteem--particularly in regard to relationships.  J, my extremely BPD exgirlfriend from college (and from Hell!), realized (possibly subconsciously) that she could use criticism and abuse to convince me that I was not worthy of anyone else.  (She also tried to get me to gain weight.  One time I joked about her fattening me up so that no one else would want to take me away from her, and she pretty much agreed.)  It was either staying and putting up with her abuse or being alone for the rest of my life.  Fortunately, after about three months, I was able to realize that she had gone too far and I ended the relationship.

Yes, we each have to figure out which of our own issues leads to our being attracted to someone with a personality disorder.

In my case, I was the pursuer. I like being the pursuer. I am drawn to socially awkward people because I like enigmas and figuring out what makes people tick. I also admit that I like the sense of power it gives me (big red warning bell for me re my own issues and the one I'm working on at the moment).

I spent months while still in the r/s figuring out at which point the tables had turned and I became the "weaker one". I had to review everything and understand it through the filter of my own (huge, unacknowledged) needs. Still some work to do on that one :)

Anyway, having said that, despite the many similarities in our BPDs, every one is an individual. All the things that make people interesting or attractive to us also apply - their appearance or some detail of it, their dress sense, their voice, their manner of speaking, their interests - all the many different things.

The real question for me, is why I ignored the red flags. I think I've answered most of those to my own satisfaction. But it took a while, phew.

Maybe one way to approach the question is to see what characteristics are similar in each of the people you were attracted to? To look for a pattern? 

One of the things I realized about myself is that functional relationships take alot of unselfishness. You have to be willing to sacrifice more than I was willing to give. So I am working on it, meeting my needs but not making them consume 24 hours a day. I also needed help articulating my needs.
Unfortunately, the more time I spent with my BPD husband, the worse I got at these skills and the more bad behaviors I learned. Articulating my needs got us nowhere because they seldom mattered to him. And he used them against me in his smear campaigns. Getting almost nothing I wanted for years made me immensely greedy for having my own way and spending my own money and doing exactly what I wanted. I am now trying to find the happy balance.