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Today is horrible,  I'm just desperate for him to contact me.  I'm trying my best to clean our apartment for an inspection tomorrow but moving around all his and all of his notes is too much.   I am screaming internally,  I haven't been able to stop crying.  I miss him so much and I just hate, hate, HATE this feeling.  How does anyone get through this?  Sorry for ranting. 

Aww, PD2
Am so so very sorry. I too was where you are last week except I had a melt down publicly in a car park and couldn't drive home. I know that desperate lonely feeling of being engulfed in misery. I came here too. I was advised to feel it ( like I had much choice) breathe deeply, know that each next second is one step through it. I did, cos I had to, there was no choice. The endless scream did actually end, even though I didn't think it would, and truthfully, I'm glad he didn't call me or me call him because I would be right back where I started and although the agony you are going through now is massive, remember the pain he put you through, focus on that and breathe through it. You are worth so much more. I don't know your story sweetheart, take time out of what you are doing and tell me if you want to. Big   to you.
Love from Sadlyx

I will be praying for you Pipedreamer25

These situations are difficult and painful.

We get through it, one moment at a time and then days go buy with less pain. This will get better, keep taking steps, baby steps forward by taking care of yourself and if possible go help someone else to get out of your head. I know it sounds crazy to help others when we are struggling to survive but it does work. It can get the focus off of our pain if only for a moment and we realize we are not the only suffering people in our world.

Hi Pipedreamer!

It is the most difficult feeling... the absolute despair... .but knowing the nature of the illness and their lack of emotional development is the very way they abuse their non partners.

One thing humans ALWAYS take away with them, regardless of any mental illness, is the way they were made to feel. Make sure you are living in the PRESENT EMOTIONALLY so that you recall the emotions you experienced during his cruel outbursts and departure without a single drop of empathy. Feeling sad because he's gone is one thing, but feeling sad because we feel the loss of the idealization phase that made us feel loved is another. That was THEN... .FEEL IN THE NOW... .

You may be surprised with the strength already within you to guide you through the healing process.
You are strong and courageous, never doubt that

I wish you peace of heart 

Thanks everyone for your kind words.  I'm just really struggling.  The lack of closure is killing me.  He just up and left after promising that we'd work on it that we were soul mates and we could work out anything.  I know the alcohol turns him into a different person, it takes away all his inhibitions and brings out the worst of his BPD but he also swears that's not him.  If he had sat me down and told me firmly that he didn't want to continue then it would be different but instead it's just been this panic/ rage and then complete disappearance.  It just hurts so badly to be ignored like this by someone I love so much. 

Hi Pipedreamer25

Yes, this is hard stuff and very sad indeed.  I noted you saying you were cleaning up old notes and such of his.  This kind of activity can really bring it all back in a flash.  I am still living in my marital home and simply had to leave everything alone for awhile.  Even still, I constantly bumped into reminders and felt like I was going to come apart at the seams and the only thing that would have made me feel better is here returning. 

I think some part of us knows that these endings are for the best but another part - the louder part initially - does not want to hear from that side of us.  It is a struggle and it takes time and a lot of sharing about what is going on on the inside. 

Your perspective will gradually shift and the pain will begin to subside.  What you have written here is by no means a rant.  It is your perfectly valid feelings of sadness given the loss of a relationship you clearly care about.

Have you been no contact?  Do your feelings drive you to want to reach out?  I know mine did.

JRB

Thanks Joerambeme,

Yeah my instincts are screaming at me to reach out but I know when he's on a bender that it's pointless.  He either will ignore me or say unpleasant stuff back.  It's like dealing with a different person. 

Thank you for sharing your experiences.  I have been trying to get out of our flat as much as possible and go back to the country to my parents on the weekends but I can barely afford this place on my own and there's so much cleaning to do.  My mum is coming to help me clean the stuff up if he ever wants to collect it but I know he is ill and not in his right mind.

I just care about him and I know in my heart with his BPD that it couldn't work.  He constantly felt 'not good enough for me' and said that it 'tortured him that I hadn't left him after all the things he did'.  I tried to talk this through but he would never accept it. His guilt was constantly overwhelming and I think the pressure was too much I could never reassure him. When he was painting me black he would say that I made him feel like ___ and that I wasn't the perfect girlfriend I thought I was.  I'm just horribly sad about it all.  He has been my best friend for nearly four years and now this is all that's left. 

It's also my supposed best friend who I was trying to talk to about it and lean on a bit to get me through the pain (as I have helped her through many breakups) took the opportunity to get him as drunk as possible and try to sleep with him.  There's just hurt on so many levels right now.  I feel like I can't trust anyone.  Two best friends gone in two weeks.  Also I can't tell her how I feel as we have an an expensive holiday booked up in two weeks - that was supposed to be my down time. 

Sorry that I'm such a downer at the moment its just everything is too much.

Trying hard to prepare for today.  Mum is coming to our flat to help me clear everything up.   There's just so much stuff here.  I'm a wreck just thinking about it.  I don't feel ready.   I haven't seen him in a week and haven't heard from him in five days.  I'm trying to see it as moving forward but I'm so conflicted about what I want.   

Pipedreamer25,

You are doing well.  This is all really hard and you have a sense of what the right direction is for you to move in and even taking action around it. 

How is your relationship with your Mom?  Does she understand and is she supportive?

Also sorry to hear about your GF, betrayal is hard to deal with.  And now your R&R plans are up in the air.  Do you have any thoughts on what you will do?  Go/No-go?  Perhaps another friend to go with?


I highlighted this part of your quote as it speaks to the mixed messages that we constantly receive; come here and go away.  He knows you are in love with him and some part of him wants it and yet in this sentence he is stating outright that he knows he has pushed you away and is working towards your leaving him.  What a shame. 

Regarding this point, I have found for myself that I too became split and felt mixed messages like you mention about feeling conflicted.  It is a reasonable way to feel around all of this.  Our relationships start off seeing one set of actions with our pwBPD that say I love you and want to be with you and then turn into this underlying surreal opposing set of actions; which one is it?  The answer is both, pwBPD both want to be loved and feel unlovable. 

It is all very hard to wrestle with in the beginning but the pieces do slowly come together and then a bigger picture begins to emerge that brings clarity.

JRB

Why don't you just contact him?

I'm sorry, Pipedreamer25, I really am. The pain is unbearable, I know, yet there's nothing to do than to find ways to work through it.

BPDs are able to soothe in destructive ways, yet Nons learned to self-soothe differently. However, no one prepared us for this, and finding new ways to self-soothe is a must. Try with something simple and let it drive you wherever it is moving towards, avoiding anything self-destructive.

BPDs have a lot of coping mechanisms that make them seem inhumane to the outsider. Maybe we can learn something from their coping mechanisms while retaining our sense of self?

How is your relationship with your Mom?  Does she understand and is she supportive?

My Mum is supportive but we have very different personalities.  She is very practical and very English.  I am very sensitive and emotional.  Sometimes we struggle to understand each other.

Also sorry to hear about your GF, betrayal is hard to deal with.  And now your R&R plans are up in the air.  Do you have any thoughts on what you will do?  Go/No-go?  Perhaps another friend to go with?

Thank you for that.  I think it's too late to reschedule.  It's an overseas trip.  Something we've planned for months.  I think I'm just going to get as much alone time as possible and then slowly distance myself from her when I get back.

 Why don't you just contact him?
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I know it's pointless.  He's not going to be able to communicate like I need him to do.  When he gets in these moods it's like he's a different person. I'm sure that's familiar to everyone here.  And in the past I've tolerated it and it's only been a few days but now it seems like it's permanent.  There is no reaching him when he's like this.  I'm trying to hard to accept that. I'm trying to protect myself.  I'm just all over the place at the moment. 

Good morning PD25
You have said some very good things in your last couple of posts, you are much stronger than you think so don't worry as much. You have accepted there is no point contacting him and why. You have recognised you need your time away for yourself. Your mum knows you and loves you, if you recognise the differences between you then so will she. Me and my mum were like that too, and we are both English. To my mum coming to help me practically when I needed her was showing she loved me along with one of her " never mind it won't hurt when it's better speeches and a quick hug. I wish I had her to help me now.
Enjoy your holiday love, some days will be hard cos you will not be able to help thinking he should be with you sharing it but when that happens try imagining not been able to enjoy what you want to do because he wants to do something different. And if you have a falling out when you are away it's much worse than when you are at home, take it from one who's been there. Best of luck sweetheart, and remember, you are stronger than you think.   x

Thank you for your kind words Sadly -  I hope you are having a good day and are doing nice things for yourself. It was a really difficult day but I managed to clean up most of his stuff and put it in bags for collection (if this ever happens).   Feeling really mixed up about it all but just trying to take it day by day.   The crying spells are less intense today.

Your welcome sweetheart and am glad the crying is less today, mine is too. Today I booked my holiday in Malta on the 8th October, I am going to see my brother for a week. It was strange and sad booking One flight, one hotel room etc but I got past that sadness and I am so looking forward to it.
Put his bags out of sight, you don't need the reminders. Stay strong and keep coming here.
Love from Sadly   x

Malta sounds amazing Sadly I hope you have a fabulous time  :)

Today is hard.  I just miss him incredibly.  I want to tell him about so many things.  I miss our routines, our conversations,  the shows we used to watch, our walks, our life really.  He is so intelligent and so witty and I hate that he is being destroyed by alcohol and his mental health.  This is the longest that we've gone without communicating in years.   About five months after we first started dating he had a massive drug relapse and disappeared for about a month but this time feels so final.  I miss his cuddles and his smell.  But at the same time that person is lost in his addiction.  He was fighting so hard but everything really was against him.  It is just breaking my heart.  I felt I was doing a bit better yesterday but today sucks. 

Pipedreamer, I still miss my ex very much especially Saturdays when I’d be getting ready to see him. Sometimes the feelings can seem overwhelming. When they are I remind myself that they will wane and that I’ll feel a little better soon. It’s really a roller coaster of feelings just like being in the relationship. Lots of pain in or out. I hope you start feeling better again soon. It seems to come in waves. 

Hi PD, Lar,
Yep, me too to all of this, guess we just have to ride the waves, mind you years ago when I tried surfing I was forever falling off. Can't afford to fall off this one.
Today we would have been going up country to an antiques fair and stopping in a lovely old hotel. I struggle buying food for one and cannot watch our TVs shows as we always had to rewind because we always discussed the programmes, antiques, recipes etc and kept missing bits. Every time my cat does something cute or funny I turn to tell him but he's not there. Yesterday I booked my holiday, without him, 1 room, 1 flight, 1 everything. So lonely. So very sad. It's happening to all of us and thankfully we can be here with our friends. Love and hugs to you both, thank you for being my friends    xx

Thank you so much Sadly and Larmoyant for your support. Seriously I don't know what I'd do without this board!   I hope that both of you have found reasons to smile today.   It is different waves of sadness and frustration at the moment.  I guess it's difficult because my decision has been made for me with him running away.  I'm not sure what I'd do if he re contacted me right now.  I'm so confused about what I actually want and am trying to make the best of a bad situation.  Thanks for listening to me.  It really means a lot.   

Always here for you both. I have wondered which is worse, to leave or be left. I think they are equally bad to be honest. I left, but suffer terrible guilt for doing so. All of it is cr*p. We didn't ask for it or deserve it, it is what was handed out. Sometimes I get annoyed, although I do understand what they are saying, with people who say, it happens for a reason, it makes you a stronger person, you learn more about yourself. Maybe so, but I liked the person I was and knew myself quite well thank you very much. I don't like that it has taught me not to trust my own judgement or has made me suspicious of others motives. Ah well, it is what it is, hate that saying too but sadly it fits. More hugs to you both    xx