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My dad, who was severely verbally (and sometimes physically) abused daily by my BPD mom, died suddenly of cardiac arrest a few months ago. I feel like my mom is responsible for his premature death, because he was otherwise perfectly healthy.

Everything feels very wrong here now without him. As a typical child of a BPD, I shaped my whole life around keeping my mom happy, to the point where my DH and I bought a house in the same town as my retired parents under heavy encouragement by my mom. As always, as a child of BPD, you are looking for that key to making them finally happy. I wanted my children to grow up with grandparents around, and I thought my mom would finally return to being the nurturing mom I remembered from my early childhood with her grandkids nearby. I also thought that if I could make my mom happy it would ultimately help my dad. My mom had successfully isolated us from any other family, so they had taken on an unnatural importance to us as our "entire family". Thanksgiving, Christmas... .it was only them and us.

Well, of course it didn't work out like I imagined. Almost immediately after we moved up three years ago, the grandmotherly help rapidly started drying up. She got what she wanted, and now we were safely under her thumb. She was suddenly "busy". She would only allow visits on her terms. I had to give her a few days notice of plans or she'd freak out at me for assuming she hadn't anything better to do. She was a fair weather grandma. Happy to be there when things were going well, which gave me that brief feeling of "loving family" I lived for, but critical and shaming when we were struggling. (Saying things like "Well, honey, thats what being a parent is all about" condescendingly when I asked for support or advice.) Any struggles we had, were OUR fault, and she'd question my ability to parent. One time, for example, when she didn't like the way I was spoon feeding my baby, she called me "borderline abusive".

Babysitting, when it rarely happened, had strict time limits to the exact minute, even though it was both of them together, and it had to be their offer, not our request. We basically had to grovel. They also sometimes cancelled an hour or so before if something, no matter how trivial, came up, and if I expressed any dismay, I'd get my head chopped off. My mom was infallible because my dad was her "backup" so it was always two against one. He backed her up religiously, just to get some semblance of peace, so she truly had reached dictatorial status in her mind, no matter how ridiculous or downright rude she was being. (Nobody in their right mind would tolerate how she was treating us.) No matter how awful she was being, I'd have to apologize. Any phone call to me would be on "speaker", in case of controversy. My dad would be right there to back her up, like a robot, even though he'd get screamed at afterwards because he was never backing her up well enough.

Any "good deeds" like babysitting or financial help (which they offered), was used as leverage to be thrown in our face at the slightest controversy. "Look how much we do for you! How DARE you!" It was unnatural, stiff, and weirdly corporate, but I had accepted it as just the way things were. She'd actually hold "family meetings" where she'd head the table, like we were in a boardroom. (My poor DH.) Just before my dad died, I was already considering moving away. It had gotten that bad. I was on antidepressants just to cope.

Here's what my biggest wakeup call has been. It's been half a year since my dad died, and we just got back from visiting my husband's family, who live thousands of miles away. The contrast to what I was used to with my family was *stunning*. I was blindsided. They loved unconditionally with no strings attached. They *wanted* to help. There were no hidden motives. It was natural, loving, and I genuinely felt like a true family member. Like I belonged without question. They were supportive about my dad's death (they adored him too). My kids had cousins to play with, aunts and uncles, etc. It was beautiful. I felt myself healing over there.

Coming back home to this random town with just my mom is just painful. I miss my husband's family so much. I felt at home there, not here. I am left asking myself "what the hell am I doing here?" I feel like I'm coming out from the fog. I have wasted years of my life trying in vain for something I already have, just waiting for me, a few thousand miles away. A big loving family who have known me for over a decade.  

I just want out of here. I want to put our beloved house on the market next spring. I feel this sense of urgency. I don't want to waste any more time here. My husband likes the idea, but doesn't feel the sense of urgency I feel. It's almost like I can't wait. I feel like I've paid my dues. I gave her a decade of having her daughter closeby and the experience of two grandbabies.  

Now here's the thing. I am already dreading the moment I will have to tell my mom. She is a widow, and we have her only grandchildren. I feel a bit less guilty because since my dad's death she is suddenly surrounded by support networks, but it's still a pretty terrible thing to announce that you are taking your widowed mom's grandkids thousands of miles away with no warning.

First of all, should I do this? And second, any suggestions on how or when to tell her? I'm worried she will do everything in her right mind to sabotage us. After all, fear of abandonment is the BPD's worst nightmare, and we will essentially be abandoning her.

Hello!


Ok you said "  that you are taking your widowed mom's grandkids thousands of miles away with no warning." they are YOUR kids first YOUR decision and also as you are married so both decisions is the only one that really matters. Please don't forget that.

As you know, life is crazy. Things happen unfortunately and I'm deeply sorry for your loss    . But there is never a right time to do anything but it gets done right?. For eg my BPDex dad passed away early this year and he broke up with me around the same time while I was 8 months pregnant. He had a really bad breakdown, I seen that he couldn't be a stable parent so I waited for the right "time" to tell him I'm going for full custody. A couple months passed and I felt like it was "time" to tell him. Before I had the chance to tell him he told me someone else died the same day but not as close  (never the right time) I announce my condolences, he accepted and asked About our son. I answered and then went into legal issues. Yes maybe it was a crappy time but I could wait forever trying to find the right time espically with a BPD person. So you just have to get it out.


With that being said, you know your mom enough to see the possible reactions.
With my Ex I anticipated pointless drama & that's what I got. I'm dealing with it while getting what's best for our child.

There is never the right time but it must be done. I know you are afraid of her reactions and things she might do. It's hard when your in the cluster of pointless drama but keeping your mind on your goal won't make you back down!

I wish you the best and once again I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Do what's best for your family 

Yes

Hi heartofglass,

So sorry for the loss of your Dad I know from experience how hard that is. 

It sounds like you visited your Husband's family and they were like a nice breeze that blew away all of the FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) that your mom surrounds you with.  The FOG cleared and you saw some things clearly. 

Your mother's feelings and emotions are not your responsibility.  She isn't happy when you're there and she won't be happy if you leave.  So what's the difference.  I say live your life.  Your husband and children should be your priority and I would do what is best and makes you all happy.  I know it's hard to stop hoping for the mom that never was, and to realize that things will never be the way you want them to be with your mom it's disappointing to say the least.  But her issues are her issues stop taking responsibility for them upon yourself, it's very freeing.  Radical acceptance... .she is who she is... .she is an adult and can live her life as she chooses and guess what so can you!

My mom is not BPD but is critical and controlling and I finally have let go of trying to be what she wants me to be.  I am a great person even though I don't meet her exacting standards.  I have gone low contact with her and keep the information about my life very general.  When she does criticize or say something insensitive I just think... .That's just her issue and it's not my problem.

So I say do what you want to do and what is best for your family.  Walk out of the FOG and have a happy life.  I will say that like a 3 year old that doesn't get a piece of candy your mom will probably throw a tantrum when she hears you will be moving.  She will use the whole arsenal of Fear, Obligation, Guilt but know that's all it is... .a big BPD Tantrum. 

"when she didn't like the way I was spoon feeding my baby, she called me "borderline abusive"."

As an aside the absurdity of the above quote made me laugh because my SO's uBPDxw once told him he was abusive for re-arranging the dishes in the dishwasher!  Apparently they are working from the same script!  :) lol

Take Care,
Panda39

heartofglass:   

I'm so sorry about the loss of your father.     It is possible that you are grieving the loss of your father and the loss of not having a healthy mother and a normal parent/child relationship. (at the same time).

It seems natural for you to want the loving relationships you see on your husband's side of the family.  I'm thinking that you want that for your husband and children.  One way to look at making a decision to move close to your husband's parents is that you could be making the best decision for all of you (not just you). 

I think I read in one of you earlier posts that you have a sister.  Does your sister live in close proximity to your mom?  Have you discussed your likely move with your sister? 

You might want to think through some of the anticipated fallout after you inform your mom about moving.  Might want to take care of any family business/interactions that might be necessary before you inform her.  (i.e. if you have something stored at her home or want copies of some family photos with your dad, etc.). 

Has your mom ever had any therapy or been medicated for any mental condition?  It might be a good time for her to get into therapy, but it is something she has to agree to.  Sounds like she is getting support from some people.  Are the supportive people neighbors, friends or coworkers?

There are a lot of links to the upper right of this post that can lead you to some helpful information.  The specific ones listed below could be a place to start:

NOTE:  Grieving the death of someone can be similar to grieving the loss of a relationship

ANGER AND HEALING:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=75098.0

GRIEVING & THE FIVE STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP LOSS
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0

ACCEPTANCE, THE FINAL STAGE OF GRIEF
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=72841.0

Heartofglass,

I am sorry for the loss of your father. I can relate to many of your feelings. I too feel that my mother was not good for my father's health, but he chose to be and he was free to make his own choices. Also, while I too was angry because I felt my mother's issues accelerated his death, I am not the creator of life and death and I don't get to judge the One who made that decision.

I wasn't sure if I would have anything to do with my mother. Our relationship was not good,she had painted me black, and yet, I knew that she was an elderly widow alone and had to come to terms with that. I don't know how old your mother is. If she is relatively young and healthy, she may be just fine on her own. However, my mother is old, frail, mentally ill and even though our relationship has been strained, I felt it best to maintain a relationship with her- not for her sake but for me.

Setting boundaries with my mother was something I had to learn, with my own T, co-dependency work. One difference between us is that I don't live as close to her as you do. But any contact would involve decades old behavior patterns between us. And she is not going to change. She is severely affected, has refused treatment, despite the advice of medical personnel and social workers. Mom is going to do what she wants her way, no matter what.

I did not take her grandkids away from her, but through her behavior, she alienated them. They loved my dad, their grandpa, and saw how the treated him and their mother- me. They aren't cruel- they call her, and we visit on occasion. But they don't want to have a close relationship with her.

You need to do what you think is best for you. However, I have one word of advice- a strong reaction like you are feeling and immediate action isn't always the best plan when it comes to something big like a move. Making quick decisions in the heat of emotion rarely is. I know that 6 months after my father died, I was so emotional , that making any large decision was beyond me. If you were in immediate danger from her, I would say take action, but you are not.

It takes a lot of energy to move. You could use that time, money, energy towards working on yourself- the grief, the issues we children of pw BPD learn from growing up with them, and this can help you relate to everyone better not just your mom.

I also believe the phrase" wherever you go, there you are" we can run from issues but if part of those issues is us, we bring them with us too.

This doesn't mean not to move, but maybe do it in a time where your emotions are calmer. We don't think as clearly when we are emotionally upset- and grief is tough. I think a move takes clarity.

Take care of yourself 

I can't thank you all enough for your thoughtful responses to my rambling post. This site is amazing.

A couple of weeks have passed and I'm still feeling very strongly about doing this. In fact, I feel more disillusioned by my life here each passing day. I must be free of the FOG at last, because I can no longer look past how much damage she has done like I used to. Her "charming" has lost its power over me. I wonder how long it will take her to get suspicious of our plans? Probably not long. She is very intuitive about these things. I won't break any news to her until we have a solid plan in place, which probably won't be for months. I fear she will think up a very creative way to sabotage us otherwise.

As for taking away her grandchildren, my guilt over that has greatly lessened, seeing how unhelpful she is anyway. She lives just down the road and has yet to babysit without one of us present at all times. (And even then, she requires a week's notice, or she's insulted that we assume she has nothing better to do with her time.)

To answer your question, NN, my mom does have my sister living nearby now. In fact it seems my sister is falling further and further into her clutches lately (and my mom is rewarding her lavishly for this, financially and otherwise.)

I just want to run away from it all for good and start over in a healthy situation where there are no hidden motives behind every interaction, no keeping score, no insulting my fitness to be a parent, none of that. Enough is enough. I need to maintain my sanity and stability for my children.

Coming out of the FOG is freeing, yet deeply upsetting at the same time I feel like I've been duped. I've wasted years of my life and I've been damaged in the process.

Hi Heartofglass,

Thank you for sharing about your struggles with all of us.   I lost my dad a year ago, so I can well relate to the grief and hurt you are feeling. It is tough at times, isn't it? I am so sorry for your loss. There have been many times in the past year when I had to remind myself that while I thought I was beyond my grief, I knew that really I wasn't. Everyone goes through grief in a different way, but the caution I share is the same as some of the other posters: don't make big decisions within that first year of his death. I know you want to run; I know you want to be safe and hold tight all those close to you so that your uBPDm cannot harm them or you anymore. I do have some ideas for you.

It is good and wonderful that you see the difference between your mom and your in-laws. That is such an enlightening experience  :light: and what a gift to be able to see their love and care for all of you.  |iiii Do you and DH have a counselor that you can go to see who is familiar with BPD? That can be quite a help to you as you plan ahead. What types of healthy adjustments can you begin to put into place now, that will help you to begin to establish healthy boundaries, and that will help to allow you to start the transition now, in the current city in which you live? You see, there are baby steps that you can learn to walk now that will give you a sense of empowerment before you move, so you feel less in her control and more in control of your own life.

This is not an overnight accomplishment, but it is a healthy one step at a time process that will only add to your own personal strength and that of your family. What do you think about some of these ideas?

 
Wools