BPDFamily.com

This is embarrassing to write.  Bottom line up front: I was in a relationship with a man who was addicted to meth. He was very wealthy, and this "hid" the problem for a while.  I have never been around drugs and did not know what was wrong with him.

In addition to his substance abuse issues, he obsessively would "triangulate" me: always having other women call his phone, contact him and other behaviors that were unfaithful.  I eventually found proof that he cheated on me and he admitted it, in some manner, later on.

I ended all contact with him.  In three months, he has made one feeble attempt to speak with me, and asked: What could he do to fix this? How would he go about it?

Sadly, I did play Sherlock a bit, and discovered such staggering deceit, a double life, and no boundaries of any kind when he was away from me.

What I cannot believe is the overwhelming grief I feel for the end of this relationship. We had moments that were very happy; however, I see now they are an illusion.  I am not sure anything he ever said or did was authentic.

I want to be happy and detach. I have to fight the urge to contact him and explain to him the catastrophic harm he did to me.

Was there ever a way to make a relationship work with a substance abusing, narcissistic, borderline, pathological liar?  Even typing that is cringe inducing. So, why is this one of the hardest things I have faced?

Hi ClaraBell-

And welcome to *bpdfamily*

I'm sorry you're going through that, it is very painful and confusing, although not unique around here, we're all been there and understand.


That is a plateful, and it depends on what you mean by "work".  You might start with looking at what you want and need in a relationship, and ask yourself were you getting it from him, and could you ever?


Great question, and the answers will come as you grieve the loss of the relationship, process the emotions, and detach.  Can you tell us some more of your story?  Talking about it helps.

By "work", I guess escaping without a broken heart, and confusion.
I am weary of researching NPD, and sociopaths.

I wanted someone who was trust worthy. He was not. 

I appreciate you responding.  I am having a bad day. I am fighting the urge to contact him and explain to him the misery he caused. But, he does not care, or he would not have behaved as he did.

Borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy) are 3 different and distinct disorders, although they're all cluster B disorders and share some traits, but yes, digging into the clinical stuff can be wearying, and we're amateurs anyway, although learning the traits of the disorders and seeing that what our exes exhibited really is a "thing" can clear up a lot of confusion and make us feel better in that sense, within limits.


Yes, we have bad days and detachment isn't linear, although 2 steps forward and one back is still 1 step forward yes?  And it's helpful to focus on the goal, which as you say is detachment for you, and whether contacting him would help that or hurt it.  Anger is a stage of grieving, and is a normal response to abuse and/or disrespect, it will pass, and it's helpful to create ways to deal with it, dissipate that energy, that don't make the situation worse.  Something to think about?

Because you were dealing with a mentally ill person; you probably experienced the wonderful idealization, followed by the devaluation, including triangulation with other women.
You try so hard to make it work, only to have it get worse the harder you try.

It is so hard and painful because it just doesn't make sense in a normal, rational way.

The more you learn about personality disorders, and the more you learn about why you stayed in a relationship that wasn't healthy, the better you will be able to accept what happened.