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Once you have been painted black and they hate you... .why do you still find yourself loving them and wanting them back.   I guess I want to know... .whats wrong with me?  How do I let go of the person I believe to be my soulmate

Hi Oncebitten-


First, when we ask our brain a question like "what's wrong with me?" it will come up with 100 things that are wrong with us, that's just how we're wired.  Alternative, more empowering questions might include 'how can I use this' or 'what's good about this?' or 'what is this feeling trying to teach me'; can you think of any others?

And then, sometimes the best way to fight something is don't fight it, create something new, which can start with developing a vision for your ideal future, and then making it big and bright so it pulls you towards it, then taking one step in that direction, then another.  You'll be going on faith initially, but after a while you'll notice progress, which builds momentum, and soon you'll be so busy living that life and focusing on your future that your ex will just fade into the past, and one day you'll look back and be amazed at how far you've come, and how far out of your life you ex is.

I'm not totally up on your story Oncebitten, but I know she left you, and although she wanted to be friends, a relationship with her is not an option, so letting go is in your best interest yes?  And letting go doesn't take much work, you just let go, although going from a sliver of hope to no hope at all is a big leap emotionally, but once you take it and go through those emotions there's a lightness to it, a freedom.  It can be helpful also to look at whether what you're feeling for your ex is love or something else; in my case it was a compulsion, an addiction, which feels burning and urgent, where love is mellow and calm.  Plus, someone who treats me the way she did doesn't deserve my love.

Fromheel

Its my own fault, she agreed to take me back... but i had never told her everything that had happened while we were broken up.  I just want to know... .why cant I let go?  Why do I stay and try to get back together with someone who doesn't want me.

There could be a few reasons, but you're asking two questions: why can't you let go and how do you let go, two different things, although they're related.  There's value in answering the question why can't you let go, maybe what you're holding onto is the fantasy version of her in your head, unrelated to the real her, maybe it's that addictive compulsion we talked about, not love but an unhealthy bond, or maybe holding on is giving you something, or helping you avoid something?  Dig a little and answer for yourself, whatever the answer is can have value, and I gave you ways to let go in the previous post, the how is easier than the why you don't.

There are two sides to her no doubt.  But even when she showr5s me the bad side, I don't love her any less. I simply want to make her happy, even when she tells me she hates me.  I know why I cant let go, its because I love her.  She means everything to me.  But she doesnt want me around, no longer even wants me as a friend.  So how do you let go of someone you still love so deeply? 

You can try of letting go in various ways. One that I read on the forums here a few months back was to pair every good memory with a bad one (I'm sure that one will be easy). For example, "X happened on Y day, and then Z happened on the same day or a [few] day(s) later".

Another way is to read as much as you can on these forums until you realize that who you believed to be your soulmate is not who that person actually is. When you start noticing patterns between different stories, you will see how things aren't as special as you first thought. You can also try reading about empathy concerning Nons and BPDs. Also, if you happen to be bipolar, it helps reading articles concerning the combination of a Bipolar/BPD couple.

As for the matter of "why you can't let go," you can check out articles concerning addiction, withdrawal (and its symptoms), or even try asking yourself questions about you instead of the ex.

I'm sorry you're in pain, we've all been there and it hurts a lot, but try to be fair to yourself. Try not to blame yourself (although this will come with time after devouring as much information as you can about this disorder). You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. No one prepared you for this, so it's not your own fault (at least not entirely).

There are plenty of bad to match the good... .and I know that.  But in my mind it doesn't matter.  I love her and cant figure out for the life of me why I do, she hates me... .has told me so.

It feels like love... .but is it just really some addiction to her?

I don't know, I talked about the difference above, but what's the difference to you?

And unrequited love is painful, but also a part of life.  I've been in love with women who didn't love me back, and vice versa, and it's a matter of accepting it and moving on.  And I've found after I've done that I can still have a warm place in my heart for them, although they aren't in my life at all, and it's not overwhelming or anywhere near, it's just peaceful.  Not a bad thing, good really that we can feel that way towards someone, and once in a while they feel that way back and don't have a personality disorder, which is awesome.

I realized at some point that I was having withdrawal symptoms in various circumstances throughout our interactions with her (push-pull cycles, breakups, recycles). I also realized a great deal of other things concerning our "special connection," mainly that it wasn't that special, and it was based on empathy from me and strong up-and-down feelings from her, which made everything freakishly odd. What made it even worse for me was the biological connection, which, upon reading some academic papers on this, made me realize again that it was a lot of the wrong things at the wrong time with the wrong person. Sometimes one can be both unlucky and uninformed, which can result in disaster.

Hi Oncebitten,

I'm sorry it's so hard to let go. I know what that is like. 


What love means to me includes the fact that I want the other person to feel fulfilled, happy, and good about themselves, which might have absolutely nothing to do with me. If my partner keeps telling me that he doesn't want to be with me, then deep down, I want him to be with someone he DOES want to be with.

That doesn't mean I would run at the first sign of waffling (if it's a long term, solid relationship) or that it wouldn't hurt like he! to let go. But ultimately, I know I'd be in a better place without someone who is staying with me because of need, or a feeling of obligation only.

What does love mean to you, Oncebitten, when your partner isn't committed to staying with you?

heartandwhole

I think what's exceptionally tough, and no doubt contributing to your difficulty, OB, is when the BPD partner is not clear and consistent about the lack of interest or commitment. It feels as though if you just did the exact right magic trick something could change. OB's ex has said very recently that she loves him and wants to try to work it out. Sounds like in recent days/weeks it's morphed into I hate you and don't want to be friends. It's hard under such circumstances to get a clear bead on what is "true."

OB, it is probably no more fundamentally true that she hates you and doesn't want to be friends, than it is that she loves you forever. It's all mixed up, and guaranteed to change. I think it's hard to accept the reality that she doesn't love you because that's probably not even true. The reality is that it's all in there jumbled up together: love, fear, resentment, aversion, affection, regret, doubt. All churning around.

THAT is what you need to make your peace with: she does't have one fixed orientation toward you. Don't get distracted by "the reason." The surface reason is not really what's playing out, but she may think it is. Don't forget--there's a reason you broke up before the incident where you dated the other woman. The problem is not something you did.

Grief and loss of something at least partly good is a rough assignment. But it's the one before both you and me.

Patient

Jumbled is right.  We were actually back together, everything was tremendous for about a week.  Then out of now where she ran into the other woman and now she hates me... .never wants to speak to me again etc... .this is why I am having such a hard time.  Back and forth between wanting to be with her and trying to detach.  I know that somewhere in there under all the hurt she does love me.  And i know that despite telling me she hates me I still love her. 

I guess that's where I get lost on how to go about detaching.  I still see hope for the relationship, it was beautiful just a couple days ago.

Consider that she then felt abandoned, or about to be, the worst thing that can happen for a borderline, and she felt "less than" the other woman and hated herself for it, projected that hatred on you, and split you with black and white thinking; you were all good until your were all bad.


That conflict is common around here OB, you've probably seen it here a lot, and it's fresh for you.


As we said before, all you have to do is let go of that hope; it's not easy, but it's not complicated either.  And the other choice is, if you still love her, go get her, but for the right reasons.  Someone who goes from love to hate quickly like that isn't too invested in that hatred and may swing back to love just as quickly.  I'm not promoting one tack or the other, although either way, if you focus on a borderline's fears of abandonment and engulfment it can help you navigate whichever path you choose and be clear on her motivations.

Fromheel

I know that you Patient, heartandwhole. Have paid attention to my plight.  And commented on my other posts. Thank you all you have been very supportive and helpful.  I guess my problem is that we can fight all day and I get to the point where I am ready to quit, so I post something here.  But a new day comes and I wake up and remember that I love her more than anything and realize that we do still have a chance to be happy together. 

It all.comes down to how long am I willing to fight for her.  For months she has always come back... .so I get stuck... .Im tired but I know I can get her back if I try.

OK then, and we will support you in that if that's what you say you want.  You should probably start posting on the Saving board if that's your goal yes?

So very pleased you have made your decision OB, all the luck in the world and thank you for the help you have given me. Will pop over to the other board and see how you are getting on. Stay strong 
Love from Sadly x

Thank you all so very much.  I do mean that.  Not sure if there has ever been someone on here who goes back and forth as much as I do.  And it may not be the perfect relationship and maybe I should let go. But there is no doubting what my heart wants.  So back on the merry-go-round I go... .hoping to make it all work this time.  I hope she sees it before I run out of steam

OB, to use an oldie, I've had more comebacks than Frank Sinatra  :) Xx

Hey Oncebitten,

As FHTH said, we are here for you, in or out of the relationship. I love it when relationships work and bring happiness and love to both partners. I wish that for you, Oncebitten, and all the members who work hard to improve their relationships.  

heartandwhole

Heart

Again thank you so much for the support.  Just havent gotten to that point that I am ready to quit on her, just love her to much to walk out.
I once read a article by a woma with BPD and she said that when they push you away is when they need you the most.  To show them unconditional love... .and thats what I intend to do.

Makes the title of the book I Hate You Don't Leave Me  pretty accurate yes?

yeah it is the perfect title.

IDK maybe I should stay here.  Talked to her one more time and she doesn't want to go back.  Doesn't have ti in her to forgive me.  I kept to many things from her for too long.  I guess I should probably figure out how to detach.   I don't think that the odds of a recycle are very good .  So what do you do when the love of your life hates you and doesnt want you in their life?

So you flipped again in a little over an hour, based on what she said in one conversation, which may indicate you're not very committed yes?  I notice you've spent your time here since May posting on the Saving, Deciding, Detaching and Improving boards, spread it around pretty well, and to answer your question, what you do is make a decision, a real one, which is one in which you cut off any other possibility and live that decision with conviction, regardless.  Are you at the point where you're ready to do that?

First you have to make it a choice to detach and not just an only option type deal. If you see it as an only option then you are not wanting to detach and will not be successful. You cant change someone that doesnt want to change including yourself.

fromheel

Yes I have jumped around a lot.  I know that I want to be with her but I have no idea how to fix anything with her.  I can continue to keep trying and fix things and have good with her in short bursts.  But I want more than a few days or a week of good.  I talk to different people and hear different things.  Lots here tell me that its impossible to have a real long term relationship with someone wBPD.  I guess I feel like I am the exception.  Maybe I am just delusional at this point.  In the past everytime I have walked she reaches out... .sometimes sweet, sometimes negative but either way it tells me she wants me around.

Yes, relationships with borderlines are confusing, a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation is an official trait of the disorder after all.  Knowing what I know now, if I was in your shoes, I'd stop communicating with her for an extended period of time and educate myself on the disorder, read a lot, on this site and some of the recommended books, go to borderline school.  And then, without her unstable influence in your life and some education that will take a lot of the confusion out of her behavior, you can make a decision from that place on what you want to do.  One thing's for certain in a relationship with a borderline, the partner needs to maintain their own stability, otherwise the wheels will fall off the relationship entirely.  Which is what brought a lot of us here... .

Yes, they do want you around, but as an accessory, a backup, a satellite, whatever you want to call it. You're not a priority in their life in any way. And your importance in their life goes further down the list until it's indistinguishable from not being in their life.

fromheel

I guess that I thought I had brought that stability to the r/s.  We had a bad period a few months back, but I have been steadfast in my devotion to her since.  I thought that was enough.  Do i just back away and see if she reaches out?  I guess if she doesnt then she doesnt want me around anymore.

Bless you, my heart goes out to you. I too would have stayed with mine, worked through everything as hard as it would be, I love him very much, but, I realised that he can't/won't admit he has this problem. He knows he has a problem but not what it is and any gentle attempt to steer him in that direction results in rages and humiliation heaped onto me. I could get back with him right now with the right words and in a few hours time would be upstairs fighting back the tears. I had to leave and it's breaking my heart but for my sake there is no going back. I hope things get easier for you, could you get away for a while, remove yourself from familiarity which hurts and give yourself time to think.
Love from Sadly   x

Of course she wants you around. My ex REALLY wants me around. I am a champion distributor of emotional kibble. I really love him! And he loves that.

But he doesn't want to commit to me. He essentially wants me to be married to him, but he doesn't want to be married to me. And that calls into question MY choice. I don't want to give myself to someone who will not (cannot? does it matter?) give himself to me. Do you?

You make a decision and act accordingly.  If you want her, go get her, if you don't, focus on detaching.

The rest is games.  Of course the two of you could sit down and have an adult heart to heart conversation full of mutual respect, trust and vulnerability, is that possible?  Was it ever possible?

Hello again, OB, Well, based on the history of your r/s as you have related it, I tend to think you are not an exception at all and have been on the same roller coaster ride that many of us have taken.  I admire your optimism that you can crack the BPD Code, but it's a tall order.  BPD proved too complex for me.  What is your latest thinking in terms of where you are headed with this r/s?

LuckyJim

+1

To OB: How many times did you feel there was proper, intimate communication as opposed to "not getting through"?

All

I don't know what to do, she tells me she is done.  Doesn't want a r/s with me.  Wants nothing to do with me (she has said this all before)  To much trust broken, too many lies.  And i can admit it i did lie to her.  Feared losing her, you tell a lie long enough its hard to unwind.  So i cant and wont blame her for all of this.  Just wish I had a clear path either way.  I have tried to talk to her, but she doesn't want to talk.  She wants to be mad at me hate me etc... .says love isnt enough, dedication isnt enough.  Tells me that I dont really love her, if I did i wouldn't have lied to her.  I know that I shouldn't have, but that doesnt mean I dont love her.

So take her at face value, stop communicating with her, and educate yourself on the disorder to eliminate confusion.  No more roundy round yes?

I have read quite a bit and I feel like I understand it.  I guess thats my thought, I have never taken her at face value accept for once... .and in that one time I made the mistake of another woman.  Every other time I have brushed it off and stayed devoted to her, and we have always gotten back together.

Am I doing this with the hope of moving on and detaching?  Or am I doing this to reset things with her?  I feel like we are just going around and around and something needs to change.  Really the only thing that hasn't changed in months is my commitment to stay and fight through the problems and take what she dishes out.

But she doesn't want it? She has said so. You can't make it better on your own.  If I could do the treatment for my ex I would, I love him that much, but he won't/can't whatever. You say we but its not we anymore is it? This is one of the things that breaks my heart too and it's harsh but true. I loved being part of we. Now I am one again, it makes me cry, I hadn't been part of a we for what feels like a hundred years. I'm so so sorry but you are not we anymore. Forgive me but you're not.     x

Hey OB, I admire your fortitude.  As to where you are headed in your r/s, only you know the answer.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings (I know I'm repeating myself).  LJ

Sadly,

i understand what you are saying, we were just we a few days ago. I guess thats my hang up.  She was ready to go back and we did.  And it was perfect.  I see the promise of what could be.

LJ,

I havent got a clue as to where I am headed.  I know where I want to go with it, but she keeps putting up road blocks.  Kind of hard to get where you want to go when the route keeps getting moved around.

Oh god I'm so sorry, I feel I have hurt you with what I said, I wouldn't hurt you for the world, I'm hurting so much too. I really hope she will calm down enough to listen to you and you can become we again. Xx

sadly

no no you haven't hurt me with what you said.  I understand it completely and I have taken no offense.  Simply pointing out where my head is at.  we all have to figure out all of this on our own and I do appreciate your thoughts and you offering you situation.

Try exploring the word LOVE and why you use it.   Love to me is something I feel for someone because of how I feel when I'm with them.  The positivity, respect, love, support, laughter and joy they bring into my life; that we share.  Someone who makes me feel bad about myself isn't someone I would love.  Because they don't see me and I am good and lovable.

What does LOVE mean to you?

Why does it have to be one or the other?

As AB said to me, the old r/s is dead. Let it be dead. Detach from it.

Currently, you are allowing her to dictate your life. Back to basics; stop doing that.

Take the time to work on yourself. Figure out why you allow yourself to accept the poor treatment. I know that you say it's because you love her, I won't dispute that. What you need to figure out then is why you love her more than you love yourself.

Step back... .breath... .focus on you... .give her time and space... .don't communicate with her... .

These are all bits of advice that has been given to you; yet you resist. Why do you resist it?

Meili

I was ready for a new r/s with her... .but she wont let go of the past so we can move forward.  I got her to talk to me.  Perhaps if I detach and fix me we can try again some day

I understand that she isn't letting the past go and be dead. That doesn't stop you from making that a reality however. Just like it doesn't stop her from keeping it alive as long as you allow her to do so.

I dont want to discuss it anymore.  I assumed that when she said she was ready to move forward she meant it, no matter what came up.  The past is the past, let it stay there.

But, she doesn't let it stay there, so you must keep it there.

And how do I do that now?  We aren't anything at this point.  She barely agreed to talk to me.

I guess you just keep trying to speak to her. Just as I keep trying to let go you must keep trying to hang on. Or try reverse psychology and wait for her to contact you. All of these are hard I know, I wish you well.   xx

I wouldn't suggest that you keep trying to talk to her. I'd suggest just the opposite; back off. Keep any communication short and light. Letting her know that you still care and that when she's ready for something real, you'll be there for her. Until then, you must take care of yourself.

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