BPDFamily.com

As usual, whenever I start talking about my accomplishments with NC I find a reason to consider breaking it. It has been 2 months.

My ex just posted a very depressing status on social media about how she's going through a hard time (with the loss of her mother, although it isn't explicitly stated). It really isn't like her to post feelings online and be so upfront about any emotions, so I can tell she's really struggling. Part of me feels like I should just send her a validating message and remind her that I'm here if she needs me. Another part of me knows that I have already told her that... .so she could just reach out to me if she wanted to. She must not want to... .right?

I'm torn on this. It's difficult for me to see her so upset and not console her in any way. But I don't want to make things worse by possibly reaching out too soon, or just make myself feel worse if she reacts poorly. My gut instinct is always to let her know I'm here and she's not alone. While I know NC can be important, I also feel like I shouldn't blindly stick by it if I feel like I could help her. And then again, I don't want to "take advantage" when she's feeling especially emotional either.

If anyone has any suggestions, please help. I could really use your feedback right now.

Hi JJacks0,

What are your goals with NC?

If you are giving yourself time to heal and strengthen, then maybe give her space? The loss of her mother must be very painful, and it's kind of you to want to console her. She may also be going through abandonment depression, and her emotions could get transferred to you.

If she needs anything right now, it's someone with strength and confidence to weather what is likely a very rocky and emotional time for her. Anything less than that is likely to become hard for both of you.

Agreed. This is about YOUR current abilities. If you think YOU can reach out to her, and be able to cope with whatever she gives, then do it. But of course if she is hurting from her mother at the moment, then she may be MORE disregulated than usual. Can you cope if she tries to get back together? If she blames you for the breakup? etc... .

Thank you both for your replies.

The NC was initiated by my ex.

I know that NC is supposed to be about me, but truthfully if she were to contact me I would answer in a heartbeat. It was imposed by her, and I have simply been respecting it. She and I got caught up in a pretty intense push/pull cycle after moving into separate places, that seems to finally have ended with her latest "push" in late July. She told me that it "wasn't the same" and that she was going to move on (hours after saying the opposite). She made a comment like, "Have we ever even gone 2 weeks without talking to each other?" I asked her if that was what she wanted and she said yes. She said that she didn't want me out of her life completely, that we'd "talk when we talk", and that I basically could call her if something terrible happened and I *really* needed her.

I had hoped that in giving her space she would eventually find her way back to me, but she has not made any attempt. I know there's no real way of knowing for sure, but it seems as if she has moved on and isn't thinking of me at all.

She absolutely had been more dysregulated than usual when I last saw her- I don't think we would have even moved out and gotten separate places otherwise. She was improving prior to her mother's passing, but afterwards she began threatening suicide again, blaming me for not helping her, calling me selfish, etc. And the push/pull is something I had never experienced to that degree before. She has said that if her mother were still here we would probably still be together.

I'm sure I should be trying to just focus on myself and heal, but I can't get her off my mind. I don't think she has any interest in me as a partner anymore (after 7 years I don't know how she moves on so fast)... .so I think the real hurt could come from the possible rejection. I wouldn't say I'm especially strong at the moment... .I'm so susceptible to her, she still has me wrapped around her finger.

So I guess in reality, my thoughts for maintaining NC are:

-To protect myself from possible rejection/hearing things I don't want to know about
-Hoping that giving her space and silence will ultimately lead her to reach out to me - after the last rejection, I do sort of think the ball should be in her court
-Showing respect for her wishes - I would think she'd contact me if she wanted to

Thoughts against NC are:

-What if all NC is doing for her is helping her to forget me?
-Caregiver tendency tells me to comfort her when she appears distraught
-She was pretty vague with her whole "we'll talk when we talk" - maybe the ball has to be in my court if I ever hope to hear from her again
-Maybe she does want to talk to me but doesn't due to shame, fears, etc.

Sorry for the rambling, I guess I had to write it all out to figure out what I thought.

These two are thoughts I struggle with also - especially the first.  I feel that my NC situation is the right thing to do for my own mental health but on some level it feels like an endorsement for her to forget about me.  Setting boundaries and respecting her wishes though are only going to help you going forward whether or not the two of you end up back together.

Part of bringing strength and confidence to these relationships means understanding how intense her own emotions are -- she likely has learned throughout her life that her feelings are wrong. She may not trust you to handle her emotions well, and when that happens, she has to push you away (quit before she's fired) perhaps by protecting herself as "good," by making you "bad." This is about more than just intellectually understanding, it's (even more importantly) about acting consistent with our values and beliefs. Not easy! And also essential.

One of the reasons it can be dicey to try and console someone who is emotionally (and intensely) distraught is that we bring our own emotional needs to the dynamic. She needs you to be strong, and (it sounds like) you are not yet there. Is that accurate to say?

It sounds like you have needs you want met, and they are powerful for you right now. It's ok what you want, and how you feel is completely understandable. However for her, being BPD, your feelings may feel like a blanket of invalidation if you even remotely try to get your needs met when she is in a serious dysregulation.

How have you handled suicidal ideation/threats in the past?

I'm sure I have not always handled it very well.

The suicide threats occurred on and off for 6 1/2 years. At first I think I handled it well... .at a certain point it began to frustrate me (which I know is terrible). But it began to feel like manipulation.

Example: Once I caught her in a lie, so she took a bunch of pills in front of me. This is just one instance, of many.
It got to a point where my life revolved around her entirely, to the point that I was letting other people down and failing out of classes. Eventually my family member told me that I had to stop enabling it.

So most recently, I was supposed to attend a game night at a friend's house. I invited my ex, but she didn't want to join. When I was supposed to leave, my ex started scribbling in a notebook, what turned out to be a lengthy, angry suicide note... .telling myself and all her family members how she was killing herself because we didn't help her. So of course I stayed and talked with her, tried to calm her down. I can't remember exactly what I said anymore. But I did still end up going (albeit, very late... .) to the get together once I was sure she was calm and collected and there was no risk in leaving her unattended. I asked her if she'd like me to stay home or come with me and she said no and that she would be fine. Normally I would have never done this, I would have just stayed. But I really did just get burnt out from cancelling every plan, etc. It's not that I wasn't empathetic to her pain, but at the same time I was constantly letting down other people in my life. It wasn't fair. And of course I never would have gone in a million years if I thought she was actually going to hurt herself. But this time I knew she wasn't, and I just couldn't keep living my life like that. Well on my birthday this year, she threw that back in my face. Out of what felt like nowhere, she was raging about how I left her at home months ago when I knew she was talking about killing herself. And that's sort of the catch 22 here I feel like. In hindsight, seeing her pain, I feel like I should have stayed. But at the time I felt like I couldn't keep doing that, it wasn't healthy. Shouldn't there be some boundaries in place? If she wanted me to stay I wish she would have told me another way... .but I guess that's not something she was capable of. It's like a lose-lose situation though. I'm not sure what the right thing to do would have been.

I know I'm rambling now, but it's hard for me to remember exactly what kind of dialogue we had looking back. It's strange how things like this have become a blur. I will say that I tried my best and was patient/validating/understanding many times, but unfortunately I can't say I always was. Because like I said, I know I became frustrated from time to time as well. Looking back, that's something I definitely regret.

Ah BPD warfare!  To put you in a LOSE-LOSE situation. They are very skillful at that. The number of times my wife has tried to stop me from going out through emotional blackmail... .

Staying because she threatens suicide is a tactic that she knew worked. Of course, if you leave then you don't care about her! You seem to already know that you can't let her do this. Validating then leaving is good. So is calling an ambulance if she actually takes something - then leaving!

And yes she will always drag up anything in history that can support her feeling. This won't change. Again, you can validate her FEELINGS, not her actions.

Suicide threats are incredibly painful to experience. I'm so sorry you have had to go through that for such a long period of time.

There is a section in I Hate You, Don't Leave Me that describes the communication skills needed for double bind/lose-lose scenarios that involve suicide threats. It might be worth picking up a copy and reading it closely. It's in the section about SET (support, empathy, truth), and focuses in particular on the Truth part.

My T explained that if the threats are successful at getting needs met, they can escalate until something accidental happens. You may need a T to help you help your GF deal with these threats in a way that keeps her safe. It might mean telling her advance, "(Support statement, empathy statement, truth: I am not trained to help someone who is experiencing suicidal ideation. Next time it happens, I will call 911 and someone will come to make sure you are safe. It might be a good idea to look at your insurance in advance to see what is or is not covered for a stay in the hospital until they have evaluated you to make sure you're ok."

Her point, and I agree, is that it is too much for any one person to shoulder the responsibility of another person's threat to their own life. We need to shine light on the seriousness of it without carrying the burden on our own. And the truth is, most of us do not have the training to address suicide ideation in a way that keeps everyone safe.