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Title: Creating closeness, when closeness is under attac Post by: SettingBorders on October 01, 2016, 05:47:49 PM Observing the behavior of my boyfriend I found out, that he tends to push me away, when things are too good between us. I know this is normal BPD behavior, but I wonder how I can create some closeness between us.
Tonight we went to see a movie and on our way back we kissed like first time for a least a month. Then, everything pointed to having sex tonight (we didn't have any for one or two month), everything was nice between us and I thought we were both feeling relaxed and close like we hadn't for a long time. Then, out of a sudden, he provoked me by telling me things that hurt my feelings. First was about not beeing able to handle the pain of birth (I will give birth to our child in a couple of weeks). Second was pointing to specific situations in the past where I in his point of view wasn't able to handle pain, which he - in my point of view - misremembered. There was as discussion. I ended it - too late - by telling him good night and pulling over. Now, I'm sad and frustrated. My reactions to these provocations were wrong, as I started JADE'ing. I have analized what I could have done better, but I simply didn't expect this and I wasn't prepared ... .I all started too sudden. My question to you is: How to create closeness, when closeness is under attac? Title: Re: Creating closeness, when closeness is under attac Post by: livednlearned on October 02, 2016, 02:58:57 PM Interesting to think that feeling good is a type of vulnerability. Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly talks about how joy is the most vulnerable feeling there is. It makes sense -- when things are good, we realize what it is that we might lose, and the defense mechanisms kick in to protect us from future hurt, like losing the thing we love.
It is hard when our feelings are hurt. It would be hard for anyone to feel close when someone says hurtful things. Maybe there is a step between feeling hurt and feeling close, like depersonalizing the attack? Title: Re: Creating closeness, when closeness is under attac Post by: SettingBorders on October 06, 2016, 03:18:35 AM Yeah, might be good to be more in control of MY own feelings. I realized that it's more about if I feel (and behave) close to him, as I don't know if his attaking remarks also made him feel less close. I guess not, but my reactions probably did. And finaly, it was ME pulling over, not him.
Strange, hard to tell if he's having BPD or if it's me... . |