BPDFamily.com

Hey all,
Having another crummy day.  Haven't spoke to exdBPDbf for a week now.  This afternoon I get a song title and band in a text from him.  I haven't replied but I had a look at the lyrics and now I'm messed up again.   A lot of this song is a lot of what's been happening.  I have no idea what he is trying to say.  I'm trying not to go crazy right now.   I haven't replied.  Proud of myself/ terrified and also just want to write back and tell him I hope he's okay.

These are the lyrics he sent. 

One day, I'll be coming home to you
Tonight's gonna be the night when you
Say goodbye and tell me everything's fine
Yeah, right
Okay, I should have been nicer to you
No way, I wouldn't have listened
I'm drunk in parking lots 'cos I can't afford the drinks at the bar

I didn't talk enough
And I took too many drugs
And I drank too much
Yeah, I made some

Stupid decisions
And I can't take them back
And now I'm home and I'm all alone
Wanna hit the road and make some
Stupid decisions
And I don't want them back

Alright, I think I'm gonna give it to you
That you're all kinds of crazy
So am I, I think I gotta grow up
So what?
I know you like to get methed up
I know that I get too drunk
And you can lie as long as you say that you'll be alright

We didn't talk enough
And we took too many drugs
And we drank too much
Yeah, we made some

Stupid decisions
And we can't take them back
And now you're gone and they're going on
And on and on, and we made some
Stupid decisions
And we don't want them back
Stupid decisions
And we don't want them back

One day I'll be coming home to you
One day I'll be coming home to you
One day I'll be coming home to you
One day I'll be coming home to you

Stupid decisions
Stupid decisions
Stupid decisions
Stupid decisions

Today I lost the best ___ty job I ever had
Tomorrow I start working for my dad

Hi Pipedreamer-


I'm not up to speed on your whole story, but you do mention you haven't spoken to him in a week, and standard borderline would be he's feeling abandoned, even if he's the one who left, and so he's in pull mode, trying to see if an emotional attachment is still in place with you, and motivation for the "coming home" lyric.

If you contact him it could be interpreted as yes, an attachment is still in place, which it is.  I'm sorry you're feeling crazy, I am completely familiar with the feeling, and it is not pleasant.  I notice you started on the Improving board, and then went to the Deciding board, and now Detaching, and that he up and left; can I ask you, what's the current goal?  It will inform any advice we may give.

Mind games. Do not break no contact.

Eight and a half hours and I still haven't replied but it feels awful.

What's the current goal?
I do not want to be with him if he can't at least try to commit being sober.   He said that all he wants to do is go and drink himself to death.  This is after many years of ups and downs.  However I'm finding it really hard to just give up on the idea that he will get better.   I think the current goal is just to give myself some space and time and not to throw myself into trying to help him like I have before. 

Not sure if I'm posting on the right board.  If not, I'm really sorry  

Pipedreamer, I think this is a wise decision. Shaking up our habitual patterns can really help.  |iiii  It gives us time to feel and focus on what's going on inside of us, and what is causing us to want to act in certain ways.

I know how hard it can be to allow people to struggle, but you are struggling, too. You need to take care of yourself first. From that position, you can be more effective helping others, right?

heartandwhole

Thanks heartandwhole logically I know this; however emotionally I still feel guilty like I'm letting him down by not replying.  I know how ridiculous that sounds but I just want to message him tell him I hope he's okay but I know that this is pointless.  This is the first time I've actively ignored his messages and I'm very anxious about it all.

Hi pipedreamer25


Feeling anxious  wondering why he sent you the text and what the song means is a normal reaction.  Given your past it seems  that FOG is at work here.  You fear what he will do to himself,  you feel obligated to help him, and you feel guilty for maintaining no contact to protect yourself.

Do not respond the anxiety you are feeling now will subside to a calming feeling of knowing you did the right think. Even a simple answer such as, "are you ok?" will give him the opening he wants to drag you back in.

Other things to consider are, what is he or has he done to get help for his drinking? What was his state of mind when he sent you the song? Was he sober at the time?

I really understand this Pipedreamer, and can relate very much. This feeling of anxiety is what you are trying to soothe by reaching out. But I encourage you to stay the course, if you can.

The anxiety has a message for you: something in you needs your attention. Can you allow yourself to feel the emotion as sensations in your body and without attaching the story of your ex to it? This anxiety was there long before he came into the picture. 

heartandwhole

I'm pretty sure he was drunk when he sent it.  I can't be 100% on this but it matches all the drunk communication in the past.   He actually has worked really hard to quit drinking.   In our relationship he has also given up heroin, ice but couldn't kick the alcohol.   He saw a drug and alcohol counsellor, he went to detox,  he did outpatient rehab.  

Two weeks ago when he ran away and then called me he was having a seizure from withdrawls and I took him to hospital and he was desperate to get help.  It's been really hard because he has really tried.  Alcohol withdrawals are the most dangerous of any withdrawal and can kill you.  I do not want that to happen.  I spoke with his social worker a week ago and he suggested letting him hit rock bottom but I have fundamental problems with that philosophy.

It's hard because it would usually stop after a few days and then he'd come to his senses either through pain,  running out of money or doing something dumb.  However he is due to be paid tomorrow which means he'll just keep drinking.  :)rinking just sends his BPD into overdrive and it is unbearable.


I have had ongoing issues with anxiety yes however this situation has got it through the roof.  I'm trying to understand what you mean about feeling it separately without thinking of him.

Thanks for reading my rants.  I'm just missing him terribly but I know the person I want isn't there right now.  

Today I just can't get it out of my head that he was just sending a song I eould like.  I feel like I've done the wrong thing.  I miss him terribly. 

So I just got these messages.

Him:  "I hope you can see now how much better your life is without me."

Him:  "I'll never be happy.  My life is too f***ed up for me to be happy.  I will die alone an alcoholic, convinced of my own genius, destroying the lives of every living soul. I encounter.  I hope whoever you're with makes you happier int he short time you're with them than my parasite of an existence ever did.  Everyone else I've met is a f***ing retard."

I waited for a few hours and then responded.  "Even though you say that you can never be happy I hope that one day that will change for you."

I know this looks like bad progress and I'm responding but the fact that I haven't told him how much I missed him or begged him to reconsider is a big deal for me.  Feeling low and empty about it but I think it's maybe a step. 

Hi Pipedreamer,

It would be very hard for me to not respond to a text so blatantly despairing. I really understand your wanting to reply, and I think your response was very good. Supportive, but not soliciting a connection.

I do believe that is progress, Pipedreamer!  |iiii

Now, what can you do today to focus on you and your detachment? 

heartandwhole

Well done PD, little steps eventually equal a stride.   x

Thank you Heartandwhole and Sadly. 

I got some messages back.   

Him "i just know that we can never build that together.  I'm a MONSTER.  I wasted the best years of your life on my bull___.  I'm going to delete your number cause even now.  I'm just being selfish."

Not sure what to do.  He is clearly in a bad place but I do need to focus on me.   So many emotions are bubbling through me right now.    I really want to reach out and reassure him but I'm not sure if any good will come out of it.  I'm equal parts relieved and sad.