BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here, so I thought I'd introduce me and tell you a bit about the situation I'm in. I'd also like to ask your advice on what to do about somethings in my relationship that I just can't seem to resolve on my own.

I'm in a relationship with my SO, who has borderline. It has been a very difficult relationship which I ended about 6 months ago, when he was drinking and being very verbally abuseive. He then started going to therapy and seemed to really sort his head out and we got back together. But things have recentally gone downhill again. I love him, but this relationship is very hard. He need alot of attention and he causes alot of confilt that sometimes I really can't deal with.

I work as a live in carer, which is a very demanding job. I live in a persons house, who needs high levels of care and care for them. I quite offen am away at work for about 3 weeks and in this time I have no days off and only 2 hours a day for a break. As I'm sure you can all understand this is a very physical and emotionally demanding job. But because of how this job works I can then have large amount of time off when ever I want. This means that instead of just having weekends with my SO, I can have weeks or months at a time with him. I like my job, it's well paid and I'm good at it, so I don't want this to get to the point where I have to choose between my job and my SO.

But a major problem for me is his constant need to cause conflit with me while I am away at work. When I am away there is nothing new that I do that would cause conflit , he just brings up things that he has already had a go at me for many times and goes over and over it when I'm away. I don't have the time or the emotional ability to be able to deal with it while I'm at work. If I am stressed I have trouble sleeping and lose my appitite, which then affect my ability to work properly. No matter how many times I've explained that any issues he has will have to wait until I get home, he still instists on ringing me up to start an argument.

I feel compleatly lost as to what to do about all of this. It's bad enough having to cope with his conflict and dramas while I am with him, but when I am at work it is just unbareable.

Thanks for reading and any advice on any of this would be greatfully appriciated.

Hi singerwolf,

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I would feel a lot of stress too if my partner was trying to pick a fight while I'm working. You work long days and don't have a lot of time to unwind and I would also find it difficult if I was worried when I'm trying to fall asleep. The conflict is a symptom of the central issue with BPD. A pwBPD fear abandonment, perceived or real and expect that everyone that enters their lives will abandon them, the core wound of abandoment is at the center of the disorder, unresolve trauma, a narcissitic injury and a pwBPD will feel emotionally out of control and act out because seperation from a significant other is painful for them. Is your partner diagnosed and in therapy for BPD? There are tools that can help reduce conflict, the good news it that it takes one person to stop it and it has to come from the emotionally stable partner in the r/s. This short video will explain.

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

Hi and welcome!

Does your partner work? Do you have kids together?

There may be things you can do to lessen his "perceived abandonment"... .

Firstly, you probably need to clearly state your boundary. Tell him "I will not answer your calls/texts during the day." or "I cannot always answer you call/texts through the day. If i get a break I will, but if I don't get a break I won't be able to. I  know it may feel like I'm ignoring you, and I'm sorry if I make you feel that - but i do love you and love talking to you - I just can't a lot". Then DON'T ANSWER HIS CALLS! He will get annoyed about this - but will eventually accept it.

Perhaps also if you get a 2 min break in your day, send HIM a text. It doesn't really matter what, but it "shows him" that you are thinking of him (and therefore you havn't forgotten him).

What is his love language?