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Its been a while sense I posted here, and I wanted to update you guys with what's been going on with me. Some of you may recall that my involvement with a BPD woman cost me my job, and so much more, and I've carried a lot of anger over it. I haven't posted here in a while because I now have a new full-time teaching position, which takes up most of my time. I've also been in therapy for the past three months. But to be honest, I don't feel that therapy has done anything to change my mentality. Three months later, I'm even more filled with hate than I was when initiating my therapy. It only grows with time, and therapy hasn't done anything to change that. I haven't spoken to my ex in over a year, and yet I'm still catching her in lies. I can play back conversations in my head and spot contradictions in things she told me, little things that should have been obvious from the beginning. I'm still waking up to the reality that I never really knew her. This person who I fell in love with and had put everything on the line for deliberately deceived and mislead me. She used me to the point where I lost my job, and then she got to just walk away. I can't accept that. I should be grateful for my new job. Its such a relief to learn that my career wasn't permanently destroyed when her husband called the school. But most of the time all I can feel is hate and an overwhelming need to lash out and get even. When I left my last therapy session, I never felt more lost and hopeless. My therapist is great. She's very insightful, and has made me realize a lot about myself. She's good at helping me view things from new angles, and always gives good advice. But none of it changes how I feel. I can recognize the wisdom in her words, and agree wholeheartedly with everything she says, but I'm still just as angry, if not more so, as I was on my first visit. The only feeling I have left for my ex is hate. She's not even a human being to me anymore. Despite learning all I can about BPD, I have zero empathy for her. Some of you may recall that I've been living with this overwhelming compulsion to contact her husband and expose her to him. I finally finished my letter to him a few days ago. Now I'm holding back sending it against every fiber of my being. My therapist said that the hate and desire for revenge is eroding my character. But I just don't know how to let go of it. I've been hurt too badly to just move on and walk away. I feel like I've reached the end of my rope. Sending that letter to the husband is going backward, not forward. My brain knows that, but that's not what I feel. I intend to stick with the therapy, but what if isn't enough? I'm really afraid because I feel like I've already made the decision to send that letter, and its only a matter of time now. Is it possible for someone to be beyond therapy's help?

I completely understand why you want revenge. I wanted revenge so BAD! But check this out, she will end herself in the long run. Trust me man. These people are never happy and karma will find its way to her without you doing anything. You are better than Her and honestly I would let her continue her reckless behavior because one she'll mess with the wrong person. And having zero empathy for someone that abused you is not a bad thing. No you are not beyond help my friend. It takes time. Just give it time.

I can't really say why you don't feel any relief from the hate, except that apparently it's a pretty strong emotion and it's not going to just dissolve by putting it in perspective. It does sound like you are thinking about the harm it's doing to you. I would call that progress.

There is this struggle between the feeling Nuitari and the thinking Nuitari. Devil on one shoulder, angel on the other. For me the thinking/feeling rupture isn't hate vs. acceptance. It's more like love vs. acceptance. But I'd submit that in a sense it's the same struggle. It's a problem integrating feelings and thoughts.

Is the dynamic familiar to you? I know that, for me, one of the things I've wrestled with in the aftermath of my relationship is the deep pattern of quarantining my feelings from my intellect. I believe it's something that started for me with my parents, who were very neglectful and at the same time made a cult of self-sufficiency. The confusing result was that I had to be an extremely independent child to fit in. For me to regard my status in the family as secure, I had to ignore a lot of emotional needs, and I disconnected from them in my mind.

That's me. Maybe there is some reason it's a dynamic you have trouble with, too?

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Edit

Maybe instead of hate vs. acceptance (and love vs. acceptance) I should say hate/love vs. objectivity. I think acceptance might come when feeling and thinking are no longer opposed. I can experience my feelings, and I can view the situation objectively, but I can't quite get them to cooperate with each other. It's the integration that's hard for me.

Maybe. All I keep thinking is how sick this world is if she and her husband can somehow reconcile and be happy after wrecking someone's life. My therapist keep's reminding me that I had a part to play in it too. She says I need to focus on the decisions I made and learn from them. I know she's right, but I haven't been able to do that. I just want that marriage to fail so badly, and I want to be the one to make it fail, and maybe it would if he had all the facts. My T warns me that contacting him could backfire and have even more damaging repercussions to my life, but I'm not so sure I care anymore. Their unhappiness is becoming a bigger priority than my own happiness, and that scares me.    


I think a big problem for me is that I am so overwhelmed with so many things I need to discuss with my T, and I feel like I'm moving at snail's pace. I meet with her for one hour a week, and I feel like we're only just getting started when the hour is up. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels but can't go anywhere.

Steelwork,

Your "thinking vs. feeling" comment sums it up perfectly. I can see the logic and wisdom in everything my T is telling me, but I'm detached from it all. I can even come with some very good reasons myself why I shouldn't seek revenge. But arriving at that conclusion feels like solving a math problem. I can follow the reasoning, but there aren't any feelings involved, and it does little to dissuade me from my chosen course of action. The belief that I am going to one day contact the husband has been the only thing that has kept me sane, and I have to hold on to that belief.

For me it was very important to be able to feel that my anger at my BPDex was justified. I found therapy terribly invalidating because it made me feel like I was the problem. Of course I was part of the problem, but that was an insight I was ready for much later. When I was hurting it was important for me to feel that I had been a victim. I even think I needed to think like that because for so many years I had felt like the perpetrator and now I needed to adjust to not being that. The balanced view on things is something that I think you are ready for much later.

This really is no longer your life... .the husband, your ex.  Once you realize that, you will start to find the things that matter to you and pursue them, in your best interest.

The longer you hold on to others controlling your life, the less control you have... .is this what you want?  It doesn't sound like you do.

What would happen if you let the revenge go and put that energy towards something positive to move you forward?  Would that be less satisfying?

What are the possible outcomes if you send the letter?  That the husband ends it with her and that's it?  Would you expect or want her to come running back to you?  What if the husband didn't care and did nothing?  How would you know?  Are you still in contact somehow? 

What are the motivations for sending the letter?  Do you just want to see her in pain?  Her husband to feel pain too?

okay. so the effort your therapist is making to encourage you to examine your part and your actions doesnt seem to be helping, at least not right now. and its nothing you arent aware of.

i wonder though. you say therapy has done nothing to change your mentality. you also say you are even more filled with hate. you say youre still catching her in lies. you say after the previous therapy session that youve never felt more lost or hopeless.

is it possible that this is progress in and of itself?

what i mean by that is, obviously the hate is unresolved and youre still exploring it, and its still building. that doesnt have to be a bad thing. it is what it is. probing it is having an effect, albeit a very challenging one.

anger was one of my last phases. it wasnt intense. just a persistent nagging feeling. wanting whatever "justice" was. wanting her to know i knew about her deception. stuff like that. im a big believer in forgiveness and letting go of anger, but i didnt go diving into the bible, or actively practice forgiving her in order to combat my anger. i did find outlets for it. but eventually the anger peaked, and it just kind of burned itself out.

is it possible that thats whats going on for you? that your anger hasnt hit its peak yet, but it will, and when it does, it will burn out?

I still have moments of extreme anger.  It comes quickly and it goes quickly (the extreme stuff) but I still feel a lot of general anger even if it has largely dissipated.  And it leads me to question why after 14 months?  I think one of the reasons is because my anger is rooted in anger towards myself.  While I am angry at her for good reason, if I am honest I am more angry at me for allowing myself to be fundamentally compromised.  

So Nuitari, I ask you to consider where the real root of your anger/hate is.

Your T is right. If you send the letter, you become even more invested in their marriage failing. Suppose you send the letter and their marriage doesn't fall apart. Now you've actively tried to break it up, and you might drive yourself even crazier thinking that they've reconciled and worked it all out in spite of your attempt to ruin it, maybe even because of your attempt to ruin it. Or maybe the husband already knows everything you tell him. Or maybe it does break up the marriage, and suddenly your ex feels liberated and relieved to be out of the marriage and goes on in similar patterns with other partners.

Don't get me wrong. I understand your desire to see her feel at least some of the same pain she's inflicted on you. There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. By all means, feel it. Don't fight the feeling or try to chase it away. A major turning point for me in therapy was accepting that I was going to have to live with certain very unpleasant and uncomfortable feelings for some time. I slowly managed to pull the feelings apart from the strong desire to do something about them. It's an exercise in patience, but it can be very painful to go through.

So, Nuitari, are you able to examine more closely the connection between the painful feeling of hate and the strong desire for revenge? Some part of you is telling you that acting on the latter will relieve the former. What if that part of you is misleading, or groping for a temporary fix to avoid dealing with the painful feeling on its own terms?


I can absolutely relate to this feeling. For me, it sometimes helps to put the time frame in perspective. Three months is not a long time, in the context of dealing with major life issues, or very deep-seated issues in our emotional make-up.


Again, I couldn't have described my own feelings better myself. The way I've started working through this is to realise that thinking of it as a math problem or a logical problem was not helpful. These deep emotional wounds take time to explore and there is no key or magical insight that will heal them up quickly. Time and patience -- not always easy to embrace, but for me at least it was key to do so.


Or maybe holding onto that belief so strongly has been the only thing keeping you from turning your focus more squarely on yourself? It's hard to turn and face your own pain, when you feel the person who's triggered it is walking away, free to avoid doing so herself. How is that fair, right? But is this really about what's fair at this point?
So, another important question: do you want to focus your energy on what's fair and how to get justice, or on what you need to move forward and how to build the life you want for yourself?

There are no black-and-white answers, and it's not entirely either/or. But those are the kinds of questions and thoughts that slowly pushed me to start letting go of the past and focus on myself.

Nuitari, I strongly advise not sending that letter. It will only cause you harm.  I noticed a few things about your post:

1. You're focusing on the negative.  This is a cognitive distortion known as "the mental filter." Think of your life as a glass of water. The negative thought is like a red drop of ink, turning the entire glass red. Instead of a drop of red ink, the BPD is more like a lemon seed in the water: a nuisance that can be removed (and she has been).
2. You're using should statements, another cognitive distortion. Why should those things have been obvious in the beginning? I'm sure close to everybody in this thread had some red flags that they might have ignored.  You live and you learn.  It prepared you for your next interaction with a woman.  If you see those negatives in a new relationship, you'll know enough to walk away.  You didn't know what the outcome would be before because you never experienced such a situation.  You're needlessly beating yourself up and it's causing you more mental harm.
3. You have a new position, maybe one that could potentially be better than the one you had before and the BPD you dealt with is gone.  That is a God send.  Many of the people on here have BPD relationships that just won't end because of stalking, harassment, close proximity, etc.  I've gone through cyber stalking and my uBPDxgf won't completely disappear because we have the same group of friends. You don't have to deal with that fallout.
4. Write, write, write.  Write bad poetry. Write a revenge fantasy, read it to yourself, and burn it. Write a letter to the BPD (don't send it, and then destroy it.  Writing helps you understand and express your emotions in a safe way. So does art. Paint a picture of create a graphic novel about it. Even if it's terrible and your art skills are abysmal, who cares? It still serves the same purpose.
5. I don't know what your religious affiliation is, but if you have any beliefs at all, go to a worship service.  Be among like minded individuals who care about you.  Even if you aren't religious, you can appreciate figures like Jesus and Buddha as philosophers.  Read their views on healing and forgiveness.  It will help you heal. 
6. Check out the books "Feeling Good" and "When Panic Attacks" by Dr. David D. Burns.  They will teach you cognitive behavioral techniques to help you with your pain.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I'm still reading through all of them. I'm working so many hours during the week that weekends are practically the only time I have now to come here.


Wow. This just summed up what I'm going through. My therapist keeps telling me that I'm not victim, and that its my "victim mentality" that's spawning my anger. But its hard for me to see how someone could go through what I went through and not feel like a victim. When she tells me that I need to stop feeling victimized, I feel like she might as well be telling to flap my arms and fly. Its not going to happen.

My mind can see the wisdom of your words and even agree with them. It just doesn't change how I feel. I feel like everyone is trying to reason with me, wanting me to weigh the pros and cons of my actions. But right now I'm too emotional to be reasoned with. Its like telling someone in a state of panic "stop panicing." Has telling someone not to panic ever actually stopped someone from panicing? Probably not. This is the state that I'm in. Next month will mark two years sense I lost my job. I can't believe I actually went two years without acting on my intense hatred. I just don't know how much longer I can keep it up, and I don't want to keep living like this. I feel like I need to release it.

Honestly, the thought is less satisfying to me. I have OCD and my T believes that this is a big part of why I can't let go of my thoughts of revenge. She says its a compulsion that might actually get stronger if I indulge it. But its hard for me to see sometimes how contacting the husband wouldn't make me feel better, regardless of what follows. I'm afraid because I feel like I'm losing control of the situation.

A big part of my frustration is that I feel like I don't have a voice. The husband saw me as the perpetrator, someone who was chasing his wife and trying to turn her against him. That's not what was happening. I don't think he knows his wife at all. She intentionally mislead me, and I think she's done the same to him. He's brainwashed, and I feel like I had to lose my job because of his inability or unwillingness to understand what was happening. My T says that its my OCD that's not letting me accept that I can't control what other people think. She says its about my desire for control. But is it so unreasonable to go through something like this (which was the most traumatic ordeal of my life) and not want to speak out against the injustice of it all? Its hard for me to believe that just the act of sending that letter isn't going to remove a huge weight from my shoulders.

For me it was important to be able to view myself as a victim but at the same time I realized hat this victimhood was of no importance for anyone but myself. The person who had hurt me would never come back and make amends. She even believed herself to be the victim. I had very limited contact and it was very healing for me to be alone and feel sorry for myself. Any contact with my ex brought up this power struggle - WHO is the victim?
I Think it's like that for a victim (ANY kind of victim). Most of the time the perpetrator can't accept blame - at least not to the extent we would wish for - and therefore it's just invalidating to deal with them. And it's basically the same thing with the story and the circtumstances around you becoming the victim. They are of no importance now and will only stop your wounds from healing.
I have read stories of people who have done terrible things and people who have been subjected to atrocies. When they face their perpetrators it's absolutely an empty experience. The perpetrator comes across as a scared child who doesn't have a clue what they have done wrong. The victim is disappointed and frustrated because the monster they expected is not there. There is noone there to take the blame. The atrocious acts are a thing of the past, now there's only pain both for the victim and the perpetrator. A pain they have do deal with on their own.
I am very fascinated with the Nuremberg trials. Terrible things that can't be undone, leaving everyone disapointed and frustrated. In the end there's only sadness and silence.

You could send the letter to us.  My BPD ex is dead, we could have really had it all.  But I lost it all, my business, job, concept of love, trust.  Though I never lost my humble nature, thanks  for helping me see how lucky I am.  From your post I see how worse things could have been.  Sure I can live with disappoint, but not with an all consuming vengeance.   You truly are living a nightmare.  Please keep sharing.  We are here for you

This one I'm going to have a problem with. Imagine how difficult it is to write a story or paint a picture when you're in the middle of a rage. Its hard to concentrate. I virtually have no attention span anymore. That's how consumed I am. I do like to read, but sometimes it takes me over an hour to read five pages. Work is different because I pretty much have to force myself to concentrate on other things, but even there its very hard sometimes, and even harder to free my mind for recreational purposes. Right now I can't calm down enough to do what you're recommending.

Hi Nuitari

I'm really sorry that things are so tough for you right now.

I've read some of your earlier posts and from what I can see  you became part of very destructive triangle. I think I understand your anger and your desire for justice. I felt the same but i think it's worth trying to look at this from another perspective

I was with my ex for a long time and when I discovered that she was having an affair I was utterly devastated. I was very angry at her but it was easier to direct most of my anger at the other man.

It was too hard to accept that that the person I loved and trusted could betray and damage me in such a terrible way. So I focussed on him as the destroyer, invader - and my immediate focus was to end her relationship with him and stop any future contact.

I think this is a pretty understandable reaction and incidentally it's also one of most important first steps in trying to recover from an affair. And let's be clear here she was / is married to her husband and she was having an affair with you.

It's also worth considering that you never know what's going on in another couple's marriage. Typically people having affairs lie to themselves, their spouses and their affair partners about the state of their relationship.

You have already established that your ex lied about having sex with her husband. It's quite likely that she's lied about many other things too.

The key thing is that they were / are married and that she was not really available when you began your affair.  The affair ended - most do - after causing a lot of damage to you and your career. I understand that you're still struggling to process this but don't underestimate the hurt it's caused to others too.

The challenge now is to learn from what happened and rebuild your life. It sounds like your taking positive steps in the right direction with therapy and restarting your career - something that you clearly love deeply.

What will you accomplish by sending her husband a letter?

I think it's likely that her husband has a pretty good idea of what happened - most people do - but he's struggling to confront and accept it.

You can't force him to confront it and why should you?

Do you want to end him to end their marriage? How would you feel if you were in his situation?

I think the most likely outcome from sending him a letter is that it will bring you back into focus as the persecutor / attacker. He will renew hostilities and the destructive cycle that ended up derailing the career that you love.

What will happen if he contacts your new school?

I know how hard it is to take responsibility for our own choices - I struggle and still struggle with this at times but it sounds like your T is trying to help you look at some of your own choices. It can be very painful but ultimately i think it's only way to heal and move forward.

Therapy takes time and we make the most progress when we learn to accept responsibility for our own choices. Not easy I know but ultimately it is empowering.

Good luck and keep posting

Reforming

I can't understand that mentality. Please don't take offense, but that mindset sounds animalistic. It seems to be based on the premise that she isn't a thinking adult capable of making her own decisions and mistakes, that she's a piece of property that someone is trying to steal from you, when in reality she played just as active a role in the affair as he did. Again, I don't mean any offense, but that's just how I see it. My ex wasn't a child, or a pet who needed looking after from him. Shouldn't his primary concern have been that his wife (again, a thinking adult) betrayed him, and had no problem doing it? I don't think simply forbidding her to contact me anymore addresses the real problem. This gives the appearance that he's trying to make his marriage work by brute force. It doesn't matter that she feels the need to seek out attention from other men, as long as he gets to lash out at the men and keep his wife on a tight leash. If this is his attitude, and it appears to be, then he isn't taking his marriage, or the affair, as seriously as he should be.


It isn't understandable to me at all. Here's what really gets under my skin more than anything else. I never should have gotten involved with her, but I honestly believe that if it hadn't been me, it would have been some other man. Despite the role I played, I was not what was wrong with his marriage. He would have had to deal with this regardless. I don't like being singled out as the source of his marital difficulties. He's got much bigger problems in his marriage than me! That he thinks he could magically fix everything by simply removing me from the picture shows a really shallow mentality. Does he really think that ruining someone's career is all that it'll take for he and she to live happily ever after? I'm not so sure it works that way. And if it does, the world no longer makes sense to me.


She's lied to me so much about their relationship, and I just take for granted now that she was less that honest with him about me. Who knows what she might have told him about me. I wonder now if she lead him to believe that I was relentlessly pursuing her. What little interaction I did have with him would suggest as much. Regardless, what I did was wrong, but I still feel an overwhelming need to clear my name. Losing my job was only a small part of my pain. She hurt me so badly, and I can't help but be angry at someone pointing a finger at me and accusing me of this and that while I feel so victimized by her.



To be honest, I don't know what I'm wanting to accomplish. Some days, its about revenge, about hurting him. Other days, I just want him to know my side of it.


I truly hope he knows. He knows I completely fell apart when I learned she was sleeping with him, and he still called the school. He actually accused me of acting so as to gain sympathy from her! I was in a lot of pain. I can't begin to describe what I felt like that night. Something traumatic happened inside me that I'm still trying to process. I've been stuck in that one moment ever sense. I'll never recover from this fully. I want him to feel what I felt that night, and then we'll see if he still thinks my breakdown was a joke.


But I think I can! I don't want to get too personal, but there is a comment that I can make that would remove all doubt in his mind that I slept with her. He wouldn't be able to shrug it off. I can also tell him about a semi-sexual episode that happened between his wife and his brother! I may be in a position to not only ruin his marriage, but perhaps permanently ruin his relationship with his brother forever. I feel like I'm in a pretty good position to ruin his life in a lot of ways. But have I done it? No. Despite every fiber of my being telling me to, I haven't. But he didn't hesitate to ruin mine, and probably never looked back. I hope you can understand how frustrating that has been for me.

I'm the whole reason why she and I aren't in contact anymore. Its because I finally had enough of her head games and stopped returning her calls. But does he know that? No. He'll always see me as someone he needed to protect his wife from.


Maybe I lose that one too. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about that. I'm not sure it matters anymore. If he reacts in any way, its a good thing. It means I struck a nerve.


Thank you for your post. I know that you can identify with my ex's husband in a way that you probably never could with me, and I hope I didn't say anything that you considered insulting, because it wasn't my intention. I just get so angry sometimes at my own inability to see his (and your) side of it.

Here is my letter to the husband... .


R,

I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear from.  I've actually been wanting to talk to you ever sense I lost my job.  I'm sure it’s all ancient history to you and L now, but I still feel terrible about everything that happened, and I feel the need to clear the air. L told me everything that you used to say about me, about how I am shallow for pursuing a married woman, and that you accused me of trying to ruin your life. I will not even attempt to justify my actions, as they were wrong. It may be hard for you to believe, but I am not the type of man who would get involved with a married woman. The only excuse that I can offer is that I got caught up in something that felt bigger than me. L lead me to believe that we had a future together, that our relationship was more than just a casual one. I stand by everything I said to you that Halloween night when we met. I genuinely loved her, and I wanted to be so much more to her than your temporary substitute. That Halloween night was the worst night of my life. I had just discovered that you and L were sleeping together. I had no idea, and would have never continued to see her if I knew that was the case. When you returned from VA, all I wanted was some kind of closure to the whole thing, and it wasn’t easy for me to continue to meet with L knowing she was with you.  But it was even harder for me to refuse to help her when she needed me.  I couldn't be a jerk and refuse to help her after everything we had been through together. L used to call me her rescuer. She said that I was always a shoulder for her to cry on, and I didn’t want to let her down.  I just wanted you to know that, if you called the school in an attempt to get me into even more hot water, it was an unnecessary and vindictive thing to do.  I was already going through something terrible.  L used to tell me that she never knew how to love until she met me.  She said she wanted to leave you to be with me, and I believed her. After saying such profound things to me, do you know how hard it was for me to see her move on and reconcile with you, while still asking so much of me every day? I felt used by someone I loved.  She played with my feelings, and it was very low of you to kick someone while they are down like that.  That school was my home. I had no life outside of my work. No social life. Nothing. When I lost that job, I lost everything. It was the only consolation I had when I learned that L wasn't going leave you. I was devastated, and I only wanted to move on.  About a month after your return home, L made it clear to me that she was going to remain with you.  I accepted that, but that didn’t mean I enjoyed having it constantly thrown in my face every day.  That Halloween night was the final straw, and another attempt at ending things. I even told you to your face that I didn't want to see her anymore. Everything I did after that was me frantically trying to clean up the damage that my involvement with her created to my career. There was no need for you to go out of your way to make things worse for me. I was not your enemy. I was not chasing your wife. I was trying to remove myself from the situation and move on. I know that you do not like me given what was happening in your absence, and that is completely understandable. I also don't expect you to give a damn about my feelings. But I thought that you could at least appreciate that I was trying to disengage. I assure you that I wanted the situation to end just as badly as you did. I made some very bad decisions, but I want you to know that I wasn’t trying to ruin your life.  I never would have gotten involved with L in the first place if I knew that you two were going to reconcile. Everything that happened was predicated on the notion that your marriage was ending.  I am largely frustrated because I continued to see L for three months after your return, and only when I tried to do the right thing did you lash out at me.  You know what ticks me off most of all? L initiated the relationship stuff, and then in the blink of an eye she stopped giving a damn about it while you were left angry at me for “pursuing” your wife. I don’t appreciate being forced into playing the role of the evil guy who was trying to steal your innocent wife. L told me all the baseless things you said about me.  Did you tell her that I only used her for sex? That it was all a game for me? That I didn't really love her? You don't get to decide for me what my feelings are.  I loved L, and I am the one left feeling used. I sincerely believed that L’s feelings for me were genuine. But when you returned home she wanted to continue sleeping with me while you were waiting to take your HIV test. She didn't even pretend that it was for any reasons other than she was getting sex from you. How do you think that made me feel?  I felt like I had been used and mislead.  I couldn't take seeing L knowing that she was sleeping with another man. She was supposed to stop seeing me before things became physical with you again. I had somehow gone from being so important to her that she wanted to leave her family to be with me, to someone so insignificant that she couldn't even consider my feelings. I’m now in therapy because of this whole mess while you two moved on like it was all a minor inconvenience. You and L left behind a lot of pain and destruction and turmoil that I feel will follow me for the rest of my life, and I want both of you to know that. I never deserved any of this. Mine and L’s relationship might have been a joke to you and her, but it had become everything to me. The watch she bought me is more valuable to me than gold. I wouldn't trade it for anything else on this planet. I wasn't going to leave her or do any of the horrible things you tried to convince her of. I had already made up my mind that, if we were together and she went to a PT school out of state, I was going with her. We talked about it. I was going to give up my job and move away with her. That's how much our relationship meant to me. I was never going to leave her. It wasn't a game, and it wasn't about sex. I wanted to be so much more to L than someone who was only there to satisfy her temporary needs. It really hurts that in the end that’s all I amounted to, and I am deeply offended that you could suggest it’s all I wanted. I felt used. I’ll never recover from that feeling. That's bad enough. I shouldn’t have had to lose the one other thing that meant something to me.  It was all I had.  I would like to close by saying that, if temporary companionship was indeed all that L needed, I suspect that you would still have come home to the same situation if I had turned her down, the only difference being that it would have been another man on the receiving end of your misplaced wrath.  Despite my misguided judgment and foolish actions, I was not what was wrong with your marriage, and I think it was very callous of you to deem that I be punished for your marital problems, problems that were no doubt inevitable from the beginning. Was ruining the life of a stranger really worth maintaining the fiction of being in a loving marriage to a faithful wife?
 

Hi Nuitari,

No offence taken. This community is a safe place where we can share out stories and explore our feelings without recrimination or judgement.

I'm just trying to help explain his perspective to help you explore his potential reactions to your letter.



Discovering that your partner / wife is having an affair triggers some very primal emotions. A profound sense of abandonment, grief and anger. Most people struggle to reconcile their image of person they love and trust with the stranger who has betrayed them. It's pretty overwhelming and in that context it's easier to focus on the other person involved. That doesn't mean that you don't feel deep anger towards your partner but you go into defence mode and try and remove the immediate threat. It's pretty primal but when we feel that our happiness and security is threatened most of slip into high alert.

That was my immediate reaction but when I researched healing from affairs, which I did in great depth, most counsellors stress that ending all contact with the other person is also vital part of moving forward. It's almost impossible to repair a marriage when your partner is still seeing their affair partner.


People have affairs for lots of different reasons. Some people in happy marriages have affairs. Some people do it compulsively. Ultimately it's a choice that rarely results in a happy outcome. People get hurt and lives are damaged.

You've only heard one perspective on their marriage which you have acknowledged as untrustworthy. I'd be wary of drawing too many conclusions.

Whatever problems they have, you made a choice to put yourself in the middle of them by having an affair with her. He reacted by trying to remove you as the primary threat to his marriage. I understand that his course of action has caused you a lot of pain but I think it's worth trying to explore his thinking too if you plan to send him your letter. How would you feel if you were in his shoes? Their marriage may have been in trouble but is it really fair to blame him for your affair?


I think it's almost certain that she lied to him about what was going on. I think most of us lie to ourselves and others when we're having an affair, blaming our partners, our marriages and even our affair partners for instigating and pursuing the relationship. I realise that his actions damaged your career but though your primary anger seems to be driven by her actions you seem to be focussing it more on him.

Whatever problems they had or have he didn't have any say in her and your choice to have an affair.

You stated that your desired outcome was the end of their marriage and a long term relationship with her. How would you respond if you were in his shoes?

He clearly felt that his family and marriage were being attacked and his immediate focus was removing that threat. His anger might have been misdirected but his chances of repairing his marriage would be far lower if the affair and contact with you continued.  


I understand that discovering that she was lying to you about the state of her marriage felt like a profound betrayal and you're still grieving the loss of your relationship. But she was / is married and he was sleeping with this wife. What does that tell you about the nature of your relationship with her?

You don't know what she was telling him but I doubt he feels that any of what happened is a joke. Affairs destroy lives and the collateral damage is typically terrible as you can testify to.


I realise that I'm trying to offer an alternative perspective on what's happened but believe me I do understand your anger and hurt. Speaking from personal experience I can also guarantee that he's going through hell right now. His marriage and his life is in turmoil because the person he loved and trusted most betrayed him. I know you're in a lot of pain too but inflicting more damage on him won't heal or help you. In fact it's much more likely to restart a very destructive cycle which will end up hurting you even more.

It's your choice whether you send him a letter or not. Have you shown the letter to your therapist? It's probably worth getting her thoughts

I understand that you want give your side of the story and that you've given the letter a lot of thought. But I think it's very like a lot of what you've written will cause him more pain. Is this what you want?

I contacted the other man involved when I discovered my exes affair. A work colleague who was married with children. He emailed and suggested that we meet up - I presume to try and explain or justify his actions. I found his response utterly baffling and maddening. How could someone have so little awareness of the harm he had done?

I had absolutely no interest in seeing or hearing him try to explain his behaviour. I felt that his actions told me all that I needed to know.

I would imagine that her husband feels the same. As far as he's concerned by having an affair with his wife you actively sought to end his marriage. Do you think he is wrong?

It seems to me that there's a lot of triangulation going on right now. You're directing your anger towards him and he's directing it towards you. The axis of this triangle is her. Their marriage may or may not survive - I'd say the odds are against it - but that's their business not yours. Contacting him and trying to force him to understand why you chose to have an affair with his wife will just cause more hurt and cast you in the role of persecutor uniting them against you.

I understand that you're struggling right now but stepping away from her and him is the healthy course of action.

I realise it's very tough right now and shifting your focus onto to the future is difficult but you've already done some of the hard lifting. Therapy can feel frustratingly slow but if you stick with it and do the work you will move forward.

Things will get better

Please keep posting

Reforming

I agree with reforming here Nuitari. Sending the letter may have some unforseen side effects. If these people have affected your career once, it is very possible that they might try to threaten your new employment as well. In these matters with BPD it is best to get out of their way and on with our lives. You mentioned that you were sorry for the role you played. Perhaps that is your lesson here. Take it on the chin and fight another day.

I do however empathise with your anger. It is healthy to have it as part of a break up. Your therapist sounds quite competent. Perhaps persevere for a few more months and see where it takes you. Progress is not very linear in recovery. It ususally comes unexpeectedly and in fits and starts.

Sending that letter to us was very brave.  It embodies the human condition we all deal with.  Emotions and how fair we think they are in regard to our actions.   Look,  I lost everything, to a relationship,  it was hard talking to one of the ex relatives after her death, tell me, she didn't care about me, never mentioned me after she moved out and wasn't at all bothered by our separation.  I saved this girls life.  She died less then a year after she moved out.    All my actions feeling, everything I did.  Really didn't mean anything to her.  Now I'm left with the only thing I have.  It's the best thing of all. Focusing on myself.   Yeah, I could hate her, beat myself up for losing half a million dollars, losing my job,  n blah blah, but I get to love me.  It's easy for me to say let it go.  So I wont, just please keep coming back, sharing, doing what you can to cope.  We here to help each other.

Thank you for your replies. There's a lot here that I want to address. This weekend when I have more time, I want to respond to specific  comments, but for now I just wanted to give my impressions. After reading these posts, I feel exactly what I usually feel when I leave my therapist's office, frustrated. If I'm going to be honest, I'm hearing some pretty valid reasons why I shouldn't send that letter, and it makes me feel like my back is against a wall. I don't disagree with any points being made. I can even acknowledge them as insightful and wise, but they just don't do anything to diminish my desire to contact the husband and tell him everything. If anything, I'm angry that they are good arguments. This is why feel like therapy isn't getting me anywhere. Even when stripped of my justifications, it doesn't matter. People are trying to help me, but there's nothing anyone is saying to me that is changing my mind, and I can't see that happening. So I'm always left frustrated because I feel like I've already mentally crossed a line that I can't come back from. Reforming, your comments in particular are very eye-opening for me because I feel like they're giving me a window into his point of view. That should be a good thing, right? That should be progress, right? But the more I understand his perspective, the more angry I become. I feel like I'm always being asked to understand his perspective. But why isn't he required to understand my perspective?

What's the pay off for you when you send the letter?

What's the cost (potential consequences) to you of sending the letter?

If you make an honest cost benefit assessment it will be clear which is the best option for you.

I've learned I can and often will sacrifice my longer term happiness and health to satisfy a short term need or want. It's a self destructive trait and something I'm working on.

It's a pattern I learned somewhere, its not me. And a pattern can be changed.

If you stand back from the pain Nuitari and you were advising yourself. What would you recommend?

Couldn't the same question be asked to him? What was the pay off for him in calling the school? What purpose did it serve? None. It was all over. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Why couldn't he leave well enough alone and let me go on with my life? I accepted that she was going to remain with him. Why wasn't that enough for him? Why did I have to lose my job? It was my life. Everyone keeps telling me to move on, but that's all I was trying to do. I feel like I was already walking away when I was shoved from behind, and now everyone's telling me to just take it and keep on walking and have empathy for the guy who just needlessly shoved me. Can you all understand how hard of thing that is for me to do?  

Yes it could be asked of him, but what's the benefit to you or the point?

Look Nuitari I've spent 2 years and 8 months (and lots and lots of money) fighting my ex and signed settlement on Monday. The most important lesson I learned... ." Get out of their way and get on with your life". But it's cost me 2 years and 8 months to learn that lesson.

Maybe you can learn from my experience. Maybe you need to learn it from your own experience but I can assure you - learn it you will.

I think I'm qualified to say "Yes, I'm sorry it's been hard for you. I can definitely empathise with your pain and anger and desire for retribution and to be understood".

It's hard. Very very hard. Hang in there Nuitari. It gets better. Much, much better.

Hi Nuitari

I think Moselle has asked some very good questions which are worth considering.

We're here to support you - not your exes husband. I've tried to explain his thinking to help you judge whether it's a good or bad decision to send him your letter. You don't have to empathise with him, but understanding his behaviour might help you gauge his reaction and the potential consequences for you.

I hear what you're saying and I genuinely understand how hard it is to let go of the anger and hurt. I also know that telling you that you need to do this doesn't help right now. I get that and I felt exactly the same when friends and family members tried to encourage me to detach.

I've been trying to help you explore another perspective but I'd like to add a couple of postscripts to my own story.

Shortly after I discovered my partner's affair we went to couple's counselling. She was reticent - not a good sign - but for a while I thought there might be a way forward. We persisted until it became increasingly clear that my ex wasn't willing to engage in the process. I ended our relationship in a our last session together and despite everything that happened it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Bewilderingly my ex was utterly shocked and devastated. She begged for another chance. I tried to stick to my decision but I was pretty blasted by this stage, torn between wanting to believe her, deep distrust and complete burnout.  We ending up staying together for another year and in the last few months she reengaged with her affair partner breaking all the promises she had made.

Shortly afterwards I began an affair with a much younger work colleague who was in a long term relationship with someone else.

I had never done this before and suddenly I found myself looking at infidelity from a very different angle.  

Deep down I knew how much hurt it was causing but it didn't stop me. I rationalised my behaviour in all of the usual ways. She'd pursued me and wouldn't take no for an answer - if she was engaging with me she clearly she wasn't happy with her partner. I deserved to be happy… We were really good together and we had a special connection... My ex had cheated on my why shouldn't I do the same...

For a while the new relationship distracted me from the real grief of losing my ex but I knew it wasn't healthy or likely to lead to a happy outcome.

I bring this up because I want to make it clear that I'm not judging you or anyone else. I think all of us are vulnerable to having an affair in the wrong circumstances.

The new relationship petered out for a various reasons - most of them healthy. In the middle of all of this a close family member was going through the final stages of terminal cancer. It was a pretty traumatic time and the day after his funeral I had a really horrible row with my younger brother about my ex. He made a crack about my ex leaving me for a younger more successful man. It was cruel and tactless and I was hypersensitive. It descended into horrible altercation which left me completely distraught.

I contacted my ex and she came over. I had maintained NC up to this point and I soon realised that I'd made a big mistake by contacting her. She looked happy and utterly carefree and showed no real empathy for my grief or the altercation which had been about her. She didn't ask about my uncle even though she'd met him many times, stayed in his home and knew how important he was to my family.

During our conversation she told me that she was in regular contact with her affair partner. By the time she left I was absolutely overwhelmed with anger towards her. How could she be so impervious to all the hurt and damage she had caused?

I wanted justice. I wanted both of them to feel the hurt and pain that they had inflicted on me and I wanted the world to know what they were doing. Another part of me also believed that exposing their affair would end it and we might get back together. I emailed her boss attaching the email that her affair partner had sent me as proof of what was going on.

In hindsight apart from being misguided there's something highly ironic about my choice of actions. Her company is notorious in my business as a horrible place to work and her boss is well known for having affairs himself. He responded diplomatically clearly worried about any potential fallout for his business and then cut off all contact. I didn't pursue it but for a while I felt some satisfaction that at least everybody now knew what they were doing.

Five months later I read an article in an industry magazine about her company announcing that she and her affair partner had both been promoted.

Revenge has a way of blowing up your face. My actions didn't break them up or punish them - they were rewarded. Her affair partner eventually left his wife and children and as far as I know they are now living together. They're still trying to hide their relationship from their colleagues but most people know what's going on.

Looking at your situation and reading your posts it's clear that you're doing your very best to find a way forward.

One part of you - the healthier part I'd suggest - is working hard to heal you and rebuild your life. It's helped you find new job and restart the career that you really love. And don't lose sight of how precious this is - many people spend their lives in jobs they hate.

This healthier part has helped you find the strength and courage go to therapy and it's led you here to open up your heart to us and share your anger and hurt. All of this takes strength, bravery and wisdom. I think that healthy part of you is doing it's best to protect and guide you. Listen to it - it's got your best interests at heart.

I think there is another part of you that feels flooded with anger, hurt, loss, betrayal and a need for justice. I know how intolerable this feels and how easy it is to direct this pain into self destructive choices which hurt us even more. I get the sense from what you've written that this a part of you, the angry, hurt part not only wants to exact retribution whatever the cost. It believes that destroying yourself will make them understand just how much they hurt you. I know that voice and be wary of it. Believe me at the end of the day they won't care. When the dust settles you will be left trying to pick up the pieces of your life even more angry that you allowed them to damage you more.

Part of you may feel that you already crossed the line but you still haven't sent the letter. I think the healthy part is going it's best to protect you.

It's brought you here in search of support and guidance so both voices could be heard and we could offer you support and guidance.  You still have the power to choose

We're here for you whatever choice you make

Reforming


 

Great response Reforming |iiii

What is this part? Where did it come from? What is this part looking for?

Easier, maybe, but no less irresponsible or damaging to others. The real tragedy is that he called the school during a time when I was trying to avoid her. She put me through hell. I started another thread recently discussing how she wanted me to write a recommendation letter for her. That's exactly the kind of thing that led to my getting in trouble at work in the first place. The favors never stop. She'd ask more and more of me. Sometimes she'd be in tears, and I didn't have the heart to refuse her, especially not after how close we had been. But the irony is that I was trying to move on. At the time I didn't have a cell phone, and I stopped sleeping at my apartment and started staying with family in an attempt to avoid communication with her. That he would tell me to stay away from his wife when I'm going to those lengths to avoid her is ridiculous. If believing that I was chasing his wife and trying to brainwash her against him is what he needed to do to sleep at night, fine. But I shouldn't have had to lose my job because he opted for what was "easier." I feel like my life got ruined because of his emotional weaknesses, and now I want justice.


Doesn't this kind of thinking, albeit perhaps subconsciously, objectify the cheating spouse? Meaning they weren't as culpable in the affair as the "outsider" who somehow corrupted them?

Here's a good analogy. When I was very young (3 or 4), I had a puppy named Ben. One day Ben turned up missing, and my parents found him in the yard of a kid who lived down the street. The kid tried to say his dad gave him that puppy. I can't remember the incident very well because I was so young. But I got my puppy back. The kid evidently tried to steal it. Or maybe Ben wandered away from home. But he couldn't be blamed for that because he was only a puppy. Now, my ex wasn't a pet. She was an adult human being capable of thinking and making her own decisions, and I find the whole notion that I was trying to "steal" her completely absurd. I can't understand that mentality.


I get how ending contact with an affair partner is necessary in recovering from an affair if the spouse guilty of it chooses to end contact of his/her own free will.  What I do not understand is when this is attempted by force. What I mean by that is when one partner forbids the other from contacting the affair partner. How is that helpful? Now, I've never been married, so I can't speak from experience, and maybe I'm just being naïve, but I always imagined that it takes two people to make a marriage work, not just one partner raising his/her voice and "forbidding" the other partner from having other relationships like they're a child. If you actually have to force your partner to stay true to you, shouldn't that in itself be a matter of concern? I'm just not seeing why my ex's husband wasn't bothered by this. His initial strategy was to forbid her from contacting me. When he saw that wasn't working, he chose to make me the bad guy and lash out at me. It seems such a shallow and childish attitude. What he did was low, and the idea that this narrow minded strategy can actually work baffles and infuriates me. After telling me countless times that she loved me and wanted to be with me, how could she be so quick to let the matter drop and be with the man who went out of his way to ruin me? Shouldn't that matter to her? Someone earlier in the thread asked me if I'm wanting to break up their marriage because I want her back? Why would I expect her to come running back to me if I revealed the affair to her husband and destroyed their marriage? Is this how it normally works in a love triangle involving two men and a woman? Does the woman just go for the man who's hitting the hardest?


This, I think, was very shortsighted thinking on his part. I can acknowledge my mistakes. They just aren't what was wrong with his marriage.

 

Agreed. But if he wanted contact between us to end, that's a conversation he should have taken up with her. I was all for NC. He and I both wanted the same thing, and it was low of him strike out at me and ruin my career because he can't trust his wife.


Here's the thing, though. I don't think he even knows about the affair. As far as he knows, another man was making advances at his wife and he put a stop to it. He doesn't have to live with the pain of knowing his wife betrayed him. That's what is so unfair about the whole thing. I may not have been married to her, but I can assure you that my feelings were just as real as his. And yet I lost everything despite the fact that I was trying to do the right thing, while he gets to live in his blissfully ignorant state of thinking his wife has remained faithful to him.  


I would feel so much better if I could believe that, but it just isn't so. I know my ex, and I know she'll never tell him. At least if he were suffering too, that would make sense to me. But the idea that he could act out on his very warped view of the situation, without even knowing the really bad stuff, and then gets to on with his blissfully ignorant life without ever looking back, while I am left with burden of knowing what really happened and the undying temptation to relieve myself by putting some of that burden on his shoulders is really too much. Something has to give.


I did show it to her. She also advices me not to send it, but she doesn't understand. I feel like no one understands why I have to send that letter.


Yes. That's what I want.  


Again, I don't think he even sees it as an affair, just some guy making advances at his wife. Even having knowledge of the affair, I do think he is wrong. I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to avoid accountability for my actions, but I'm still missing why my ex is seen as having a passive role in this. I never made any vows to him. She did, and she knowingly broke them without any prodding from me, and yet I am seen as the culprit who was actively seeking to break up their marriage. I get that my actions were wrong, but I don't see why I'm expected to bear the full burden of responsibility when we were two consenting adults. His primary focus should have been on her actions, not mine.


But it might also ruin his marriage. Learning that she was sleeping with me certainly isn't going to make it better! I was honestly trying to step away and keep NC. I feel like I never get any acknowledgement for it, but I did eventually make the decision to do the right thing. I wasn't trying to ruin his life. But now, after he tried to ruin mine, all I want to do is tell him that I slept with his wife and then let the chips fall where they may. There is nothing he can do to me that will diminish the satisfaction that I'd feel.  

The bottom line is this. I wasn't the "immediate threat." I had made some mistakes, but I was not a threat to his marriage. He decided to cast me in that role anyway, and by not speaking out against it, by not explaining my side, I'm accepting that role. That's what everyone is asking of me, and I can't do that. The more I write the more clear it becomes what I have to do. I now have to dig deep and find the guts to do it. I don't know why its so hard.

Really?  And what if he replied.

I know she slept with you, I'm not a fool.  She has cheated on me with numerous men throughout our marriage.  You are just one of many.

How would you feel then?

Going back to your original question Nuitari about therapy... .

I'd had a lot of therapy over the years. It didn't prevent me from getting involved with a BPD and two narcissists. There's a rider to that; not much was known about personality disorders when I got involved with the narcissists. I wasn't in therapy when I got involved with exBPD and knew nothing about the disorder.

My therapy, with more than one therapist, helped me gain an intellectual understanding of why I kept repeating relationship patterns. I understood how my FOO had affected my self-perception, how familial behaviours had distorted my view about what was acceptable. This understanding helped me extricate myself but didn't stop me doing it again. Devastatingly, when I met a BPD. Although I understood with my rational brain, the therapy had not altered my instinctual responses.

I was reluctant to return to therapy during the agony after the BPD relationship. I couldn't stand going over the patterns again. In the end I decided to see a regressive hypnotherapist and I'm finding it very helpful. He deals with my subconcious, not my concious mind, addressing my child, not my adult. I find this works for me where conventional therapy didn't.

We're all different and I'm sure therapy works for lots of people. I guess some of it depends on whether we have brains that rationalise, whether we find it easy or not to connect with our emotions, what type of therapy we are receiving and also, the skills of the therapist.

It's not one size fits all.

Reforming,

I just read your last reply, and I want to thank you for sharing more of your story. I'll be honest. I can't discuss this here or with my T without feeling like I'm being judged, so I really appreciate your last post. I think your hitting home for me exactly why I'm angry, and you've been able to articulate it much better than I've been able to do. Going back to your comment about the husband reacting out of a sense that his happiness was being threatened, I just keep thinking how ironic it would have been if his actions had prompted me to call him and tell him about the affair. Even if their marriage didn't end over it, it would no doubt have been severely damaged. His actions could have had the adverse effect than what he intended. Instead I did nothing and watched while my life fell apart so that he can preserve his sense of happiness. I was willing to walk away before his actions. I was actually trying to. But he still saw me as someone he needed to take out his frustrations on, and then he gets to just walk away. The fact that he was willing to step on me to preserve his sense of happiness now obligates me to take it away from him. I'm not sending him that letter because I want to, but because I have to. Its an obligation. Its about self-respect. That's how I feel.

Part of me was hoping that, in sharing my story here, and discussing the situation with my T, someone would say something that could change my mind, some words of wisdom that would suddenly enlighten me and remove this heavy burden from my shoulders. The reason I'm so frustrated is because nothing is helping me. If anything, discussing this with others only drives me in the opposite direction. I can't go back. I feel like I'm finally reaching a place where I can contact the husband without any reservations, with no concern for the consequences.  In one way, that feeling is liberating, but its also scaring the hell out of me.

I'd have mixed feelings about that. Part of me thinks its about the act of telling him, not the consequences. At least I did what I felt like I had to do. But I would also respond by telling him that he is a very small and pathetic man for not only subjecting himself to that kind of relationship but for also being so willing to destroy the lives of others out of a need to protect something that any self-respecting man would want no part of.

Hi Nuitari,

I'm glad that you got some comfort from reading about my experience. I shared it to make it clear that I'm not judging you. i've been on both sides of the parapet and when we're in the middle of an affair we are so overwhelmed with drama, emotions and the compelling fantasy that we make poor choices. I know I did.

I work with different companies on a contract basis. My affair was with a junior colleague and despite a lot of chaos I delivered some very good work. My client was very happy and in the immediate aftermath they offered me more work, but I was tied up with other projects. Six months later I reached out and got no response. I contacted them again on a number of occasions and when they eventually responded they told me didn't have anything for me. I know from other colleagues that at this time they were actively recruiting so what was going on?

I'll never know for certain but I think there's a number of possible explanations. The most likely is that senior management had discovered I had an inappropriate relationship with a junior colleague.

How did they discover? It's quite possible that her partner contacted them. It's also possible that my junior colleague could have confided in a senior manager  because she was concerned about working with me again. We parted on amicable terms and I never pursued the relationship once it ended but she was young and insecure and probably felt anxiety about working closely with me again.

This client is one of the best companies in my business and I delivered some very good work so it's disappointing.

What conclusions have I drawn? It's frustrating but blaming her, him or the company is just avoiding responsibility for my own actions.  I was older, more experienced and as her team leader I was in a position of responsibility. I accept that my relationship with her was inappropriate and unprofessional. I don't know if her partner played a part but it's certainly possible. If he did I wouldn't blame him either. I know that our affair caused him a lot pain and harm and I played a major part in that. I've never considered contacting him because I realise that nothing I could say is going to change that and if he lashed out I gave him reason to do so.

The key thing for me was recognise my own agency in what happened. I ended up in this situation because of the choices that I made. The next step was exploring why I made those poor choices - therapy - and working to make better choices in the future - therapy

I'm not judging you but when I read through your original post it strikes me that you made a number of choices too.


Affairs begin with emotional intimacy which is how yours started and this can happen to the best of us but the appropriate and professional thing to do was to withdraw, end or at least limit your contact with her. You were in a position of trust and responsibility and you chose to begin an affair with a student.



She may no longer have been in your class but she was still a student in your college and as a teacher in her college you were in position of trust and responsiblity. Despite this you chose to continue and escalate this affair



You chose to escalate the affair even when you discovered that she was married.


You chose to continue the affair when her husband became aware and warned you to stay away.

 

Her husband chose to retaliate by exposing your affair to your employers.

Your employers chose to end your employment with them. You're a little vague about the exact details of how this happened but her husband didn't fire you. He didn't have that power. Your employers did and given the circumstances do you think that their choice was surprising or unwarranted?

I'm not judging - I've shared my own experience where I made some very poor choices. I understand that you feel very hurt and angry at the pain and damage that all this has caused.

I know from personal experience that taking responsibility for our choices can be so hard especially when we're struggling to overcome the consequences of poor ones. And when this pain feels intolerable we can often feel a very strong compulsion to direct it at others and blame them for our choices.

Learning to recognise my own agency, that I have the power to shape my life for good and bad by the choices I make was my big lesson. It wasn't / isn't easy but ultimately it's empowering. Returning to your original question therapy helped me to do this and offered me tools to help me make healthier choices.

Therapy isn't a painkiller - it's a slog. You chose to go to a T because the wiser part of you knows that you need help.  Millions of people run away from their problems - you've found the strength and courage to face up to yours. if you stick with it - whether its with this therapist or another - you won't just recover you'll be a lot strong and happier.

Good luck

Reforming

PS our anger at others is often rooted in anger at ourselves. Recovery begins by giving ourselves unconditional love and compassion.

R

Reforming that is an incredibly insightful post. Thanks for sharing.

I'm curious. It sounds like you have recovered significantly from your experiences. What were the key recovery moments for you , as you earned to make better choices?

Reformer's post is so spot on and wise and provides a healing path forward. It's the medicine that is needed.  Anything else is avoidance.

When I find myself in Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer mode... .it's a signal to me that I am running 'round the barn' to avoid facing myself,  to avoid accepting life's sometimes very harsh lessons, or I am avoiding feelings I don't want to have (loss/grief for example), or I am avoiding self-responsibility and ownership for my life and my choices,  or I'm hooked on drama triangle energy like a drug... .or a combination of the above as they all play off each other.

Some of our choices are made due to ignorance or naivette or we feel seduced/duped. If it ignorance, the lesson is being lived right now.  You will think more wisely in the future should a similar scenario present, as long as you are open to the corrective experience.  Being duped doesn't get us off the hook from a corrective experience, it's not how life works; when we engage in a r/s with someone who has not formally ended their marriage/attachment... .bad things tend to happen b/c it's a Mess and it it's a Triangle.  When it's with someone we work with, or have power-over, it also is a huge risk we are choosing to take.  It's a Mess and it's a Triangle.  If we didn't know how bad it can get when we abandon ourselves this way... .life provides us corrective experiences and it's usually very painful.  Many do not want the corrective experience.  They chose to avoid that and stay on the triangle, which brings chronic suffering but a sense of blamelessness or victimhood.   The corrective experience can be intense, acute, harsh... .but it is grist for the mill and provides wisdom and maturation.

It would be smart to shift your perception here, not due to any moral judgment, it would just be wise to do so for yourself. The therapist doesn't do this hard work for you or to you... .the T simply sheds light on a shadow... .what you do with it is entirely up to you.  Again, choice, ownership.  

Putting more energy into this triangle would be further abandoning yourself, you will get more of what you already have.  More 'victimhood'.

Feel your feelings and let it go.  Give yourself compassion and grace.  Keep the focus on your own life lessons.  

It will serve you well.

That's very kind of you Moselle.

I think the idea of an epiphany can be very compelling but my experience of growth and healing has been about an accumulation of tiny victories, failures and insights that's gradually led to a shift in my awareness.

I researched and explored a lot of therapies but I found schema therapy the most helpful. The inner child dialogues and the guided imagery can be very powerful tools. The challenge is practice them until they become instinctive.

One of the most recent breakthroughs was accepting that my feelings of pain or loss may never completely go away but that I can learn to live with them and move forward and that's ok. In the wrong circumstances I can still default to blaming others rather than taking responsibility for my own life, but I'm much more aware of it now and I do my best to resist it. I think this is a battle we all have to fight.

I still feel that I have a long way to go but that's ok too.  :)

Reforming

I understand everything you are feeling and have felt it too.  The thing is we are allowed to feel however we feel.   No need to regret or apologize for feeling a certain way and no need to try to change how you feel.  It's how you act on those feelings that matters.

Couple things I caught that might help you.

1) You are angry at her husband for calling the school... .ok so she was married when you got involved with her?  Take responsibility for your choice in that and the grief that followed then forgive yourself and be sure not to repeat that mistake again. I feel like you are giving your ex too much power.  Take your power back, take responsibility for your part in it.  That gives you the power to change it... .by not ever letting it happen to you again, by putting yourself into that situation again.  You move out of victim role which is usually where we feel the most anger.
 2) another way to get rid of the anger by taking your power back is by moving on and being happy.  That is how you win.  I say this because my 17 year old son is still holding on to the anger and unfairness done to him by my exBPD.  I , myself, have come to terms with it and moved on and am happy.  I had to sit him down the other day and listen to him say how it was unfair what happened and how he sacrificed and how hurt he was. I validated and then emphathized and then told him... .how you win is getting past this... .not letting the anger simmer, not being bitter, not letting it change who you are.  You go back out in the world and you continue to open your heart and love.  If anyone hurts you again, get away from it sooner. 

Bad things happen to good people.  Life isn't about the tragedies in life that we experience, it's about how we come out of them with the least amount of residue visible to others.

By holding on to the anger, you are willingly given them power over your life.  You've got to find a way to stop it.  I remember when I went through it, I thought to myself... .he ruined the 5 months of your life, don't give him even a single day or minute more. 

Try writing out everything you can remember that she did to you for a week while the thoughts flow.  Get it all out of your head and put it on paper and leave it there... .  anytime your mind ponders to one of those thoughts again.  Dismiss it... .you already acknowledged you were wronged, released it and put it on paper.  No need to think about it anymore.

I hope some of the suggestions you've heard on this post help you. It's a lengthy healing process and you just have to go through it.  Certain tools/techniques will work better for you, just have to keep trying till you find them.

Wishing you the best and wishing you the feeling of indifference, (it's a very nice place to be)
Bunny

 

Reforming, that was a great post. I want to comment specifically on your above quote because its her husband's motivations that I am so hung up on. Despite the choices I made, I feel that I have every right to be angry at him. That fact that he called the school in an effort to get me fired leads me to one of two conclusions... .

1) He was under the impression that the affair was still going on or that I was trying to reinitiate things with her. Neither could be farther from the truth because all I wanted to do at that point was move on and never see her again. I thought he and I were on the same page about that. If he did indeed call the school because of a misunderstanding, you can hopefully see why I would feel the need clear the air.

2) The other possibility is that he called the school just to be vindictive. Not out of an effort to save his marriage, or to end an affair. Instead it was a pointless act of aggression. If this is the case, I just want revenge. Can anyone blame me?

In either case, its hard not to feel like a victim. I don't know which of the above scenarios to believe, but they both leave me with these competing urges to explain my side of what was happening and to just get revenge.

I feel like the outside world sees my story as one where I was having an affair with a married woman and as a result I lost my job. If this was all there was to the story, it would have been so much easier to move on. But some of his actions were pointless, and had devastating effects for me. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely. But so did he. He married a woman who is incapable of being faithful and reciprocating his feelings. Isn't that the root problem that he needs to address? In marrying a woman like that he made a HUGE mistake, but seemed hell bent on punishing me for it. Everyone keeps bringing up the fact that they were married as if that alone explains everything. Its almost like being married gives someone a free pass to do very shallow and vindictive things and avoid looking at their own mistakes and problems.

Are his choices and his life your responsibility?  Why do you feel it is your duty to educate and punish him?  Given the feelings the request for a letter of recommendation stirred up I would recommend giving some deep thought on that. 

Regardless of who is right or wrong here, the only person that matters here is you.  You did what you did, he did what he did ... .the board is even. 

You can't change the past Nuitari, you can only learn from the mistakes and push forward.

Hi Nuitari,

I'm sorry that you're still feeling so much pain about what happened.

Maybeso has offered some really wise insights and advice which cut to the heart of the matter. I would try and open your heart and mind to her words. When we ignore the lessons that life gives us they just get harder until we are forced to see the light.


Nobody is telling you what should feel. The question is whether sending him a letter is will help you move forward and recover.


When I read through your initial post I got the clear impression that you chose to continue your affair even after he became aware that something was happening between you and his wife. This just feels an attempt to rationalise your desire to hurt or punish him and destroy what's left of their marriage; an objective you've stated in other posts.


I'd imagine that his actions were driven by a number of different motives - anger, fear, defence but he didn't fire you. He exposed your affair with a student to your employers. If you hadn't had an affair with a student you would never have been fired.


Hard but not impossible. Either scenario does not change your own agency and responsibility for what happened. He hasn't asked for an explanation yet you're insisting that you are entitled to force one on him. Why? To inflict more harm and destroy what's left of his marriage. To try and force him to share your perspective? To lessen your sense of guilt? Whatever your reasons you are focussing on him rather than your own choices and behaviour



What reasons did your employers give you for firing you? I assume it was because you had an affair with a student (who was also married).


His actions actions may ultimately prove futile - his marriage may not survive - but they're hardly incomprehensible.  I think it's more accurate and truthful to say that your affair with a student had devastating effects on your life and career. Accepting that you made mistakes is healthy but can you accept that your affair with a student was the primary cause of your pain?


His choices and his marriage are his business - not yours. Getting involved in them is what got you into trouble in the first place.  Staying attached will just mean more misery and harm for you. But if you really want to try and understand his thinking you could imagine what might say if he posted his story here.

I work for the military serving my country. My wife has been struggling with mental health issues for some time and I'm trying to support her and our family as best I can. She decided to got back to school. I supported her and I hoped it might help build her confidence and make her happier.  I was posted away (fighting for my country) and when I came home I discovered that my wife was having an affair with one of her teachers. I was completely devastated. I know my wife is vulnerable and a bit unstable and I feel so angry that someone in a position of trust and authority would exploit his position like that.


I'm not sure who you're describing when you use the "everyone". I think most of the members I've read have resisted making moral judgements and have offered some really wise advice.

Perhaps one of the biggest lessons that we learn from our experiences is that nobody can rescue us from our own choices. We end up owning them whether we like it or not

If I was in your position I would;

1. Hold off sending the letter for at least 3-6 months
2. Enforce complete NC with your ex. That means blocking email, phone calls, texts and any social media
3. Stay in therapy and work on finding out why you found this relationship so compelling that you chose to violate professional and ethical boundaries and derail your career.  
4. Focus on building a new life. New friends, hobbies and advancing your career.

I'm not suggesting that is in an easy course but I can guarantee you that it will lead to much more happiness and success than allowing yourself to stay attached to a failed destructive relationship.

Whatever you chose we will try and support you

Reforming

  There are millions of 'bad marriages' out there, and none of them create a  problem for YOU unless you entangle yourself in another couples' drama (drama triangle).  You continue to entangle yourself here... .speaking as though some other man's marriage choices are anyone's business but his own. 
 
I know you are hurting and that this has been a traumatic experience going through this.  I can see you were of the mindset that this woman was in a difficult spot and that she pursued you, and that you were only trying to help when it moved into something more, at her invitation or urging.  So, you know now to not b/c romantically involved with a married woman, and to not imagine you can rescue a damsel in distress, whose husband is away on leave, etc.   I can see you thought you were rescuing her.  I can imagine that she conveyed to you that she and her husband were all but over and for good reason and that she needed you.

I am not sure what age you are, or your life experience.

But... .You cannot rescue another adult.  You can try, but it will end badly.  It's not your job.

You can support someone to rescue themselves, but you cannot do it for them.  It is HUBRIS to think you can or should.  This is a painful lesson to learn, but this lesson is here for a reason.   

I hope you can consider, in retrospect, that this woman and her husband (and anyone really) are much much more complex than you are painting here.  No man or woman decides " I'm going to marry a person who is pathologically incapable of being faithful or reciprocating my love.  "  We all know... .that is not what people are thinking or intending when they marry,  anymore than it was your expectation when you became involved with her, right?   

People are complex, as you well know, as you yourself fell in love and b/c involved with this woman despite all the red flags in front of you. 

These people are not one-dimensional, simplistic characters, and neither are you.

Your job is to understand yourself and your own blind spots. You stepped onto a drama triangle, and,  I suspect you are not done with this drama,  and if so, that is fine, as we all have our own path.

I think you are very angry and hurt, and you have every right to feel that way.  As others have cautioned... .it's not necessary to ACT out our feelings.  This man poses no further threat to you.  What's done is  done.  It's over.   Feel your feelings.  Try not to distract yourself from  being with your feelings... .Getting into drama is one of the main ways we distract ourselves from just sitting with our feelings.  When we do that, we abandon ourselves again.

I am wishing you healing and peace on this journey.  This was an especially painful lesson; please take good care of yourself.

Very best to you,  Maybeso

Hello... .I have not read through all of these responses.

I can relate to the anger you feel.  My BPD partner got me into rages I had never done to anyone else. I acted out on them and feel guilty now.

Maybe you need a new therapist? Maybe this one isn't addressing the things you need addressed?  I find it very difficult to talk to anyone about it.

I also had that thought... .this BPD person is just going to move into the next relationship, not telling the new person about the disorder at all. They will have the painful experience of figuring it out themselves, like I did.  But is that really our responsibility?  In a way we are still caretaking them by thinking that.

I realized we were both using way too many drugs and alcohol.  I found myself in a group called Refuge Recovery, which is based in Buddhism.  When they repeated this meditation, it actually helped me thinking about my BPD ex, letting go of the responsibility to them, even though they can be infuriating.  

I hope this helps in some way, it helped me!  Perhaps meditation might help the feeling of letting go... .

All beings are responsible for their own actions

Suffering or happiness is created through one's relationship to experience,
not by experience itself

The freedom and happiness of others is dependent on their actions,
not on my wishes for them.

*mod*

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