BPDFamily.com

So for the most part I've been doing well.Today I had a bad day, however and peeked at his social media. He posted this:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6q5Gwb82UFI

I know it's over, I'm leaving well alone... .but damn do I feel sorry for him right now.

What hell they must live in

Beach Babe, i get the confusing state of feeling sorry for someone that hurt you so much too.

The peculiar thing is, in the past days i had a few talks with my BPDex. And after a year of gigantic turmoil and destructive behaviour, she seems very aware of the inner dynamic.

To hear someone that devalued you for a year and made your life miserable for a few years more explain and admit to exactly those dynamics and a secret life of cheating and dark side behaviours that you since long have been expecting.

It is heartbreaking.

To hear her say that love without pain doesn't feel real. That the need to feel intensity overrides any morals and leads to destructive behaviours all around. That conflict was generated just to break the empty feeling and frustration of being in a 'healthy' relationship. That a normal life feels boring. And that abuse by a sadistic father created a dark side in her that runs on devious manipulation just to survive. That her perfect relationship is with a partner that is always with one foot out of the door, so it spikes her abandonment fears through the roof.

She get's it... .rationally. But can't control it.

Ofcourse they struggle. And we struggled too to hold on to that dynamic, wishing things were different. I always thought that by giving unconditional love and support she would heal eventually. Unaware that what they want most, True Love, is actually the thing they will destroy once they get it... .cause it feels empty and lacks intensity.

But... .and this is important to hold on to. It's a deeply rooted problem, and awareness doesn't mean that they can control it.

Is it possible he does feel remorse? Not for me specifically (I'll probably be split black forever) but just in general. Do they realize they hurt people? What's sad here is, for good or bad I really did love him. So did many others he discarded. How sad.

They  might for a few moments, but then they bury it in lies and denial.  They project their behaviors on the person they hurt and then play the victim.  They become experts at avoiding the shame that's in their core.

I do think they can feel remorse... .but it's the most painfull emotion to deal with as once a BPD feels Guilt, it automatically feels like shame.
Guilt is the awareness that you did a bad thing. Shame is the realisation you are a bad person.

And to avoid shame, a BPD has a whole system of defenses lined up to ward of responsability of nearly anything they do wrong.

If they hurt you, be sure they can construct a reality where it's your own fault.

my BPDex spend over 5 years in a highly abusive relationship with a psychopath.

Somehow she endured that because she thought she deserved that, cause she had destroyed a prior relationship and blamed herself.

So it is a complex thing where they on one hand run from responsability, but on the other hand they can be extremely hard on themselves too... .Black or White.

This is one of the most dangerous parts of the borderline. Many are self-aware of their issues and the turmoil they cause... .
however it is too painful for them to work through so they would rather retreat.

They fully know of the pain they cause.

It was once described to me quite perfectly. Think of a BPD as a person lacking an epidermis. Even the slightest touch sends them into a world of hurt and pain. The BPD lacks an emotional skin. Everything is exposed.

I have read many articles on why many BPD never recover. Being rejected by their closest scares them.  Think about it. I don't know about you but my BPD's family are all enablers that protect her.  If she went for help, when they think nothing is wrong with her... .that isolates her from them.  Fear of abandonment. It truly is a no-win situation.

A mutual friend of my exes said to me "your ex is shallow".  I asked what was meant and the explanation was something to the effect that she doesn't feel deeply.  I suspect that our ex pwBPD do have all the feelings that we have and understand them but do not feel them at the depth that we do.  Those feelings just don't penetrate and impact the way they do us. 
In some ways, it is kind of like being drunk and you say something hurtful thinking it is nothing; you miss all the non-verbal cues about your actions and think about it for a moment and then dismiss it and move on to the next thought.  I even suspect that there might be a little bit of a morning after feeling of shame but unlike a bottle where you have to drink again - the pwBPD just moves on to the next feeling which restarts the process.
It truly is sad.