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I've been meaning to do a thread on my T sessions to help me remember things.  I think things are going very well and I am thrilled with the whole process.  I have been for T before but it was different.  By that I mean the relationship was different.  My previous Ts talked a bit about themselves (one talked way too much tho).  This T is basically a blank canvas.  The old tabula rasa (I will be referring to him as TR from now on).  It is quite effective though it does drive me a bit batty... .but only when I am trying to avoid or get a bit of an emotional break from the work we do.  I once begged that we talk for no more than 30 seconds about 'normal' everyday stuff... .no dice!  He knew I was avoiding.

He is very supportive, accepting and compassionate but he also uses boundaries to keep me in check when I start using my poor coping skills.  Like shutting down and blanking out, having a panic attack, letting my anxiety rule me.  My sarcastic sense of humor comes out and sometimes I will start laughing at things I find funny... .but he is not amused!  Arrrrgh!  He does not get angry and there is no change in tone or anything but he will patiently and consistently bring me back to center.  These behaviors have decreased so it is working.  When I started Tx this time, I expected to have an increase in anxiety, dissociation and flashbacks, etc so I was prepared.  I did not really see how talk therapy would help with all that but it is.  This is exciting for me.  He also questions me and uses logic and reason to get me to see things differently.  He knows I like things to make sense.  An example was when discussing my continued use of the words 'f*cked up' to describe myself.  He wanted me to change it to 'abused' and I not so brilliantly stated that my way was more efficient.  He countered by pointing out that my way used 2 words and his only one.  I wanted to explain that I meant it is less emotionally laden to *me* and therefore simpler but I decided to keep my mouth shut on that one!  Silly TR, tricks are for kids! 

There has also been some tranference which has been interesting to say the least.  So far it has just been that the emotions I have felt outside of the office come up, seemingly unrelated but somehow connected in my mind.  It is weird because I know what is happening but hell if I can stop it.  TR tells me to let it happen.  So I do.  My approach to therapy has been near total blind obedience.  I am that desperate to get better. 

I do question things and we are in an ongoing discussion about what it means to acknowledge and accept that I was abused.  Most who know me here know I struggle with that and can't, not won't, not prefer not to, but CAN'T use words/phrases like suffer, 'my pain', victim, and all those other words I can never really think of.  He thinks it is part of my denial.  I am not convinced.  I think of it as keeping things balanced.  I told him last week that I do not want to be that lady I've seen several times in the waiting room cuddling her therapy chihuahua while whispering and blowing kisses in it's ear.  SERIOUSLY?  I am not convinced that the dog is exactly thrilled with it all either.  I feel badly for the lady and I have no idea what she experienced, but if that is what happens when you embrace and start using certain terms, then forget about it.  No way, no how!  Now, of course I need to say that if you are reading this and have a therapy dog, this is not about you.  This is all about *me* and my reaction to using those amplifying words to describe certain parts of my life.

Another thing I have noticed that I think is progress is the boxes are changing to umbrellas.  (I am a very visual person and rely on images quite a bit to process things.)  See, certain things I remembered, I gathered up, squinted at them a bit and then shoved them in a box, slammed the lid shut, labeled it, and dumped the boxes in the cellar.  So TR and I have been unpacking those boxes.  First we have to bring them into the light and then dust them off a bit. Prying the lid off is the hardest. So then we sort through the things and keep what is useful and meaningful and get rid of the rest. 

The thing is tho, when we are done, I do not put them back in a box this time around.  I actually picture them sitting on a nice clean and quiet beach on a fall day sitting under umbrellas.  Some are big, like picnic table umbrellas, but some are those tiny travel umbrellas.  They are still protected in a way, because the stuff under them is precious to me in various ways but they are exposed to the light and open on all sides. 

I know the above is corny and probably not an original concept but it is the only way I can think of the whole process.  I tried finding other words to use, but I kept getting stuck.  This way it all makes sense to me.  Right now I only have three umbrellas on my beach.  I hope to have more soon.

Don't forget those tiny umbrellas that come in a fruity drink!... .just teasing  :)

I just wanted to pop in and encourage you and let you know someone here is listening.  I'm so glad you find "TR" helpful and he keeps you on track.

Keep it up  |iiii
Panda39

Harri:     *)

I'm glad that therapy is on a good course with TR!.  I'll be following your progress and rooting for you |iiii

I like your metaphors.  Boxes compartmentalize and hide things.  Do you feel that if you acknowledge the reality of your pain apart from your coping mechanisms that you might lose part of what defines you?  I find myself more like captain kirk in star trek V, "I need my pain!"

I remember in one of my first sessions,  I entered the room and said,  "should I just start crying now?" He replied,  "if you want to." Darn.

Hello Harri  

I was thinking of your post suddenly today,

I think your therapist might be right there  ;-)
Of course you feel f*cked up, that's why you are going to a therapist. (and as a sidenote, we are all probably a bit f*cked up). So telling him you are f*cked up is not really of any use, not to him, nor to you. He knows you are/feel f*cked up. Otherwise you wouldn't have bothered contact him. The real issue is : WHY do you feel like that ? Answer: because you were abused. The key to solve your problem lies there. So it makes perfect sense to redirect you there. He wants you to be helped, not to be in a stalemate.

Thanks for the update Harri


I like TR's style! :) 1 is less than 2, he got you there!

I am very glad your therapy has been such a positive experience for you Harri. TR sounds like a very smart and capable therapist.


Often very complex subjects can be made accessible by using relatively simple visualization techniques. It makes sense to me that after unpacking those boxes and going through all that stuff, you would not place them back into that dark place from whence they came. I also really like how you describe sorting through the things and keeping what is useful and meaningful and getting rid of the rest. One extreme is keeping the boxes closed forever and the other extreme would be opening them and throwing everything out. However, by actually going through all the items one by one, closely examining each item and confronting your past and fears, you are opening the door to a whole new world of healing.

PS. If the chihuahua does not work for you, I suppose you can always take a parrot :)

Hi Harri! 

I wish we had a little emoji that takes a hat off because I think it's hat's off to you and TR.  |iiii Thank you for sharing about your time with TR and how much you are learning. Sometimes I also feel tricked by my T (in a good way) and play the avoidance card too. I think we survivors of pwBPD learned pretty well how to deflect the attention away from us.

Love your boxes to umbrella analogy. Very simple but beautiful. Umbrellas can be happy, and they do let the light in. Such a great idea! And 3 umbrellas is just the right amount for now. It's enough that if you sit on the beach too, you won't get sunburned.  *)

I think that your unpacking of boxes is very brave.

 
Wools

That purse dog story triggers me,  just saying (yes,  I know you're not responsible for my feelings  :).  The Borderline Teacup chihuahua.

Are you splitting the chihuahua again Wolfish? Just because you encountered one disordered chihuahua surely doesn't mean all of them are all bad! :) (Do you know that story about a wolf and a chihuahua? They were the best of friends... .for about 30 seconds and then everything changed!  )

Hi and thanks for the encouragement and kind words.  Naughty Nibbler and Panda, thanks for the company and for the new type of umbrella.  Fruity beverage umbrellas are the very best! 

Fie, thank you!  I understand your explanation and better yet, it makes sense and I can see me incorporating it into my new thought patterns.  I can see I am being redundant and putting myself in the same endless loop that goes nowhere when I say f*cked up.  Abused, is a better explanation and gets to the why of it all which, as you said, it the point of it all.  Now I just need to practice saying it until I no longer flinch and cringe.  Thanks so much.

Turkish, I think it is more a matter of me not really acknowledging my pain rather than having it serve a purpose for me.  Part of me knows things were bad but I still compare myself to the situations of others and find myself minimizing.  It is related to being "special" like I talked about in another thread.  I was born special and therefor I was meant to experience the events in my life and, and therefor (now here is the arrogance in believing I am "special", I am capable of handling the tough stuff and that is my function.  <scratching my head>  So wait a minute!  Is that the same as wanting to hold on to my pain because it defines me and I need it?  I fear I am talking in circles.  Am I?

Kwamina, my favorite and coolest parrot ever!  Good to see you here.  Yes, I do respond well to TR's style.  Questions, logic and being challenged to change my thinking works very well with me.   :)    Fortunately I was familiar with that style before starting with TR and that helped build trust and made me feel like I was with a friend.

Wools, when you respond, I often picture you sitting at a loom, weaving in a nice cozy area and working with gentle joy.  Avoidance is a tricky thing isn't it?  I think of all my avoidance techniques, the one that will be hardest to get a handle on is how I deflect with humor. 

Laughter is supposed to be good right?  It heals, doesn't it?  I like being able to laugh and see the humor in a situation.  Some of the stuff that happeneed is hysterical if you look at it just right. 

TR asks me who I talk with about the stuff I am scared of or the stuff that stresses me out.  I don't, not really.  Aside from here that is.  It is too much to share.  People don't want to be around it.  I am told often how I have a good attitude and a sense of humor will see me through.  The part of me that is aware of how I use humor to deflect, minimize and deny sort of yells in my head for them to stop encouraging me and that what I really need is to whine and let it out.  I think maybe many people do tend to focus on the negative and talk about it.  I do not usually do that.  It makes me realize people do not see me, not really. 

Don't get me wrong,  while I generally do not talk about it, I have on occassion had a negative thing or two to say.  Sometimes I will get a sympathetic murmer, which is fine but not what I want or need.  Most times though, usually with my visiting nurses, if I say something like I am getting grumpy by the fact that they have been coming here for two years now, I am told to be grateful, that I am healing and I should focus on the positive.  Grrrrrr... .all that does is shut me down and in turn feeds the dysfunction.  So I stopped saying even the slightly negative and infrequent things.

I save it all for here!  haha

Now back to Turkish and Kwamina!  First, Turkish, you need to learn to manage your triggers though I tend to agree that most chihuahuas are BPD-ish in general.  As kwamina mentioned you are splitting... .again.  Perhaps some exposure therapy to annoying little dogs is in order?  Oh wait... .that already happened didn't it?  Nevermind then.  It is definitely the dog.  Yep.

Do you think it could be of use to you to say that to the younger version of yourself, like, talking to a picture from when you were young ? (Be careful not to 'incriminate' the child version of you ! A solution for this might be talking to your child version from your adult perspective, promising your inner child to never let things like that happen to it again. There's an amazing method to do that, described in the book 'The journey from abandonment to healing', if you should be interested).


To me it doesn't seem like you are talking in circles. It makes complete sense what you are saying.
You have the FEELING that you were born special (meaning : to endure abuse). That's completely different from the truth, which is that you were born the same as all of us, and you were lovable and should have been treated as such - as all children.
Being raised by dysfunctional parents unfortunately means that we believe the crap they tell us about us, and that we take the blame for it. We even feel we deserve it. And since they were our parents, and we know that parents generally are good for their children, we assume that they did what we deserved, and what we could - and should endure.
It's quite simple : as a kid our lives depended on our parents. If our parents treated us poorly, it WOULD have to be our fault, otherwise it would mean something horrible : that they did not love us (or not enough). For an adult, our lives don't depend on it, when our parents don't love us. For children it's completely different. A child will never acknowledge his parents don't love him. This would be admitting that he's in a life threatening situation, where he can die. So as a defense mechanism, he automatically assumes it's his task in life to endure everything / that he's bad / that it's his fault. That's also why we are so codependent still (sometimes) as adults : we were taught this.

I think there must be other people here who are thinking the way you are thinking : that we are capable of enduring abuse (or on a less dysfunctional level : the stresses of life) because well, we *always* should do and endure more and better then others. I know that for a long time, almost my whole life, I used to think like that. It's only quite recently that I have started to see the absurdity of it.


You were abused. This does *not* mean that you should minimize your pain, just because someone else's pain might be bigger. Their abuse being worse is not making your abuse / pain go away. The one has nothing to do with the other. You deal with your pain, and they will deal with theirs.
This logic behind minimizing your pain is a 'logic' that your parents would use. Our parents were dysfunctional. They wanted us to believe crap like that. But dysfunctional people have dysfunctional ideas !


Having been abused means that it's time to take better care of yourself now. And that means being soft and gentle with yourself. Maybe it's time that you admit that you should *not* be capable to handle crap.