BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

I think My wife shows the symptoms of BPD. I am not sure about this but needs advice on all the below traits shown by her.
Let me tell you the brief introduction of me and my wife.

I worked in a private company . and in a metro city along with my wife. she is also doing the job in the same city.
I have married with her on 15th Dec 2014.

Since the time she is showing lots of abnormal behavioural issues , which I though are the normal issues between any couple .
I was completely unaware of Borderline personality disorder and trying to make sense of her behaviour , and many times found myself cursing and held responsible for whatever situation she has put me in. I held myself responsible for whatever misery that is taking place in our life and went in a state of self analysis and correcting the things unnecessarily.
I have done lots of things , as per her complains and found the situation is getting worst day by day. And finally recognised that correcting anything is just useless and which is not at all contributing any goodness in the situation.

During this time  I have so frustrated to this relationship and many times thought to to end this .
Also in a recent time out of the frustration , when I started to google the issues , I was taken to lots of links and information regarding BPD.
And at last found almost all the symptoms  shown by her  are matching with BPD.

As I want more help in this regard to know more about this disorder and seek some help for her.

I will brief the personality traits she is showing :

1. Intense Anger , rage, hatred:

When I married to her she shown that I was the only person who she loves a lot and fought with her family to marry me. After that , in our day to day activities with the issues that one can simply ignore she was not able to deal with and started frustating me that I Don't love her , or dont show any attachments towards her and finally she don't want to continue with the person like me.
This kind of discussion was very frequent followed by intense anger , shouting, shivering and crying , also abusing me.
I was almost helpless in this situation and was always trying to figure out whats wrong happened now.

2.Impulsive in behaviour
In the morning she fight with me that she wants to quit this relationship and just after 2 hours she says talk to me and will go for shopping.
In these situations always after the episodes of her intense emotions I found myself broker and still recovering with the attack and going in the state of self hurt .
I was taking time to recover from these attacks and she starts complaining with this even.
I was astonished with such impulsive behaviour she is showing and putting me clueless.

3. Blaming and complaining
She always blames for whatever wrong happens at her workplace or at home and helds me responsible for these things , In which most of the cases I was not even related to.

4. Quarrels , Fights , insults with highest intensity

She is over-sensitive to criticism and almost fight for any small thing even a kid has said to her which she thinks that against her.
Also any suggestion for improvement or saying no to her irrespective of the situation she will not take this easily and , suddenly gets angry on the person ,insult him ,shout and create a scene.

5. Fear of abandonment:
She always fantasize the situation where I am leaving her and going with some other girl. Also complains me that I have the affair with almost  2-3 .
From that time almost hesitantly I talked to any other girl.
I tried to tell the truth but I found her not in the state of hearing anything when she is showing these emotions. she makes Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

6. Inability to make decisions, even everyday decisions like what to wear, without the advice and reassurance of others.

7. Avoidance of adult responsibilities by acting passive and helpless; dependence on a spouse or friend to make decisions like where to work and live.

8. Emotional blackmail – Attempting to control someone’s behaviours by using threats and punishments.
    She always tells me that she will commit suicide if I don,t stop ignoring her. Also she is attention seeker , the moment she feels that no one is paying the attention or no one is caring her . she will start complaining and blaming for that intensively.

9. Placing the needs of their caregivers above their own
    she always wants me care her like kid and even if I am not  well.

10.Irrelevant outburst.
Irrespective of any situation she will outburst at any time and this will again followed by the emotional episodes of intense anger and hatred towards me.
even if wants to control the anger but she can not do so.

11. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
12.Catastrophizing - she always assumes worst case scenario in most of the conditions and victimize herself.
13. She Emphasizes everyone showing appreciation and word of praise , and considering her in the conditions which are almost irrelevant to her.
14. She doesn't want me to even meet my parents , friends and siblings.

Above are some highlights of her behaviour , I don't know whether they exactly  match THE BPD.
Also needs a suggestion that Do I need to see a doctor ?

First, welcome!   You've found peer support which can help you educate yourself, provide time-tested strategies and ideas, and so much more.  You're not alone.

You're not alone... .though that is how your spouse wants you to feel and keep feeling.  If your boundaries are weak, if your morale is low, that will help enable your spouse to feel in control and entitled.  It often is a lose-lose demand, "Either I win or you lose, take your pick."

As the 80's War Games movie had a computer conclude, "The only winning move is not to play."  As long as you play her the-house-always-wins Game then you will continue with an endless uphill struggle like Sisyphus.  Instead, educate yourself, find out what strategies are more likely to work and which ones generally don't work, find out how to build and keep firm boundaries, etc.

Also, since she has shown no indication of changing her critical and negative patterns, you'll have to ponder what YOU can do, your options, your choices.  Will the marriage succeed, limp along or fail?  Evidently she likes the way it is, with her emotions and perspectives in control.  What are your goals?  Where do you want to be in a few years?

Your list of observed behaviors is almost identical to my list when I first discovered this site over 10 years ago.  If you try to make real and substantive changes, improvements, you're almost surely to be opposed and obstructed as I was.  I didn't want to separate nor divorce but that was my only way to improve my (and my child's) life and future.  Yes, I faced demands, ultimatums and, once separated, serious allegations of child abuse and endangerment.  Fortunately, CPS from the start stated in court that it had "no concerns" about me.  Still, she made allegations anywhere and everywhere she could.  I started out with and standard alternate weekend schedule but the longer we were in and out of court, the better (or less unfair) the court order.  Though it took years and multiple returns to domestic/family court, I now have full custody and majority time.  Frankly, most here don't end up with sole custody as it did with me, but it still gets better for nearly everyone.  The truism applies, you're likely to get more from court than from the ex-spouse.

I don't know how much help you can get from family court without separation and/or divorce.  Are you pondering that possibility?  First and foremost, know where you stand and that you're not the problem.

• Know where you stand... .get multiple confidential consultations (you have a right to confidentiality!) with family law attorneys.  Determine what your state laws are, how your local courts might handle your case and what strategies you should utilize to get a less unfair outcome.
• Demonstrate you're not the Problem... .DOCUMENT or log the incidents that would make a difference either in court or with the professionals likely to get involved — lawyers, Guardian ad Litem (GAL) for the children, Custody Evaluator, children's protective services, social services, local police, etc.