BPDFamily.com

Has bod but refuses to admit it.  Just accused me of not caring about my recently passed father because I couldn't say goodbye to him at the hospital.  Thinks I should mow her grass despite just having knee surgery.  So much more... .

Welcome Jjohn! 

So glad you have joined us! You will find a lot of others here who are familiar with what you have shared who can relate.

I can only imagine how hurtful that must have been to hear your BPDm say what she did to you about your dad. Words can be so wounding. Oh how well I remember those mean words my uBPDm spoke to us for all those years! Do you feel as if your mom is totally unaware of her behavior?

It sounds like there is more of your story waiting to be told. Looking forward to hearing whatever you'd like to share.

Wools

Jjohn:   
I'd like to join Woolspinner in welcoming you!

I'm so sorry about the loss of your father and then the problems with your mom.  I'm thinking that with the death of your dad that your mom's BPD behavior has likely flared up?

How was your relationship with your father? 

Sounds like your mom might lack some empathy in regard to your recent knee surgery.  Is it possible to hire a mow crew to take care of the lawn?

There are links to is a lot of helpful information to the upper right of this post.  The additional links below could, also, be helpful:
FOG  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)
BOUNDARIES (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0)

What were you feeling that you couldn't say goodbye to your father at the hospital?

Jjohn,

I am sorry for the loss of your father. I know this is hard on you.

The loss of a spouse is stressful for even the most stable person. For my mother, it exacerbated her BPD symptoms.

I think I can relate to your feelings- and sadness that you didn't visit him in the hospital. I didn't see my father as much as I would have wished to. I didn't understand much about BPD and the dynamics in relationships at the time. My mother's BPD behaviors exacerbated. I started to learn about boundaries and had boundaries with her. Then, the Karpman triangle was at play ( read about it). She was angry at me, painted me black to my father. He was angry at me too.

I could handle her yelling at me, but not him. Especially because I knew he was so sick. It was too much me emotionally so I kept a distance. Then my mother told him and everyone else that I didn't care enough to visit. But it was a catch 22 because when I did, my mother's behavior was more than I could handle. She would be verbally and emotionally abusive, and he would get angry. I called him almost every day, and my mother listened in on our phone calls.

Jjohn, whatever happened, or whatever your mother said to you, I believe that you care about your father. And whatever difficulties happened that kept you from visiting, or what your mother says or thinks doesn't change that. I don't know if you believe in any kind of afterlife,  but it was a consolation for me to believe that my father does know that I care about him. If you don't believe in that, then you can be certain that you care about him, no matter what anyone says- and that this truth is what matters.

Take some time to take care of yourself. Grief takes time. Read and study about BPD. The dynamics in your family have changed- especially for your mother who now has to consider how to do the things that your father did- if mowing the lawn was one of them. When talking to my mother, it was all about her. The fact that I lost a father didn't seem to be on the radar for her or others in her FOO.( and probably your knee surgery isn't on your mother's radar either)  Your mother and FOO may not be capable of any emotional support for you during this time- (if ever). It is good that you posted here, and you may want to consider counseling for grief as well as help with navigating the dynamics of a BPD family.