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Title: Well intentioned friend push me to fix the marriage Post by: half-life on October 07, 2016, 12:28:08 AM I met up with my friend again after several months. Last time when he first learned I was getting divorced and was struggling with kids, he offered to pray with me. I am not religious but I gladly took up his generous favor. I actually broke down next to him during the prayer.
This time we catch up and came back to the topic of me and stbx. He was trying very hard to influence me that marriage is precious and that I should consider to work and with her and a counselor to find a solution. Never mind in reality things are already beyond repair as we are already well on the way in the divorce process. Anyway I told him I have already been working with her for the past 10 years and I cannot expect any changes. He quickly use his own personal experience and some of his friends' as an example how they face marital difficulty and how some of them have resolve to overcome them. He challenged me if I am willing to carry her while she try to overcome her issues. BS. I carried her for more than 10 years. And now I realized it was all a mistake! She has to be the one who sought changes. But she was so deep in her misery she do not even has any idea she should be doing something different. Today I just want to primary focus on my own need and happiness, which has been oppressed for too long. He was well intentioned but too persistent that day. I had to cut him off and got us out of the restaurant. On my part I need to work on telling my story. I don't ever want to use the term BPD with them because I don't want to label her. But I do want to make good sketches and show how much suffering there was. I think I was usually overly neutral and did not sufficiently portrait all the negativity and absurdities throughout this marriage. Title: Re: Well intentioned friend push me to fix the marriage Post by: snowwhite on October 07, 2016, 05:18:50 AM Most people who have not experienced a serious mental illness in an intimate relationship will not understand. The abuse is horrible. The sense of powerlessness can cripple you.
You do not owe anyone an explanation. If you want to give one tell the person your therapist told you that your spouse suffers from an incurable brain malfunction that will not change. You have no way to help them. For your safety, you must leave. Title: Re: Well intentioned friend push me to fix the marriage Post by: Lucky Jim on October 07, 2016, 09:16:06 AM Hey half-life, Sounds like you handled it well. Most people have no idea what a BPD r/s is like because it is so far beyond anything they have ever experienced. Way beyond their frame of reference. You need not explain to your friend, because it is doubtful that he can comprehend what you have been through. I was miserable for a long time in my marriage. Sounds like you have been through the wringer, too, and it's likely to be rough sledding during your divorce. Nevertheless, parting ways leads to greater happiness, in my experience, which is what it's all about, right?
LuckyJim Title: Re: Well intentioned friend push me to fix the marriage Post by: half-life on October 07, 2016, 10:25:25 AM I was a little frustrated by him. But no I don't need to explain to him. I want a narrative of my story for my personal growth. When I talk to people I want to be authentic and I want them to see the gist.
A few things on my mind, 1. I need a summary of my story in a few sentences. Often this is the amount of time I have with someone or the amount of time I want to spend. But it should also be a good opener for deeper discussion. 2. Every couple has argued and said hurtful things to each other. Is my experience any different? How are they different? 3. I want to be able to tell him assertively that I don't like it, and without sounding pissy. Especially 2) has haunted me forever. Title: Re: Well intentioned friend push me to fix the marriage Post by: half-life on October 07, 2016, 10:33:52 AM No my friend could not comprehend our situations. I turned the question around and ask in what situation is it advisable to break up. He could not come up with any. Instead he mumbled, well if people work hard enough many things can be salvaged and they will be worth it. Sorry a large range of human experiences are simply beyond his recognition.
Title: Re: Well intentioned friend push me to fix the marriage Post by: Lucky Jim on October 07, 2016, 02:16:06 PM Hello again, half-life,
1. Why not say something bland, like "We tried as hard as we could, but it just didn't work out." 2. BPD, in my view, is way beyond what other couples experience so it's an inapt comparison. Plus, you're not the first person to be getting a divorce. 3. Why not let him know that everyone is different and you are doing what is right for you. LJ |