BPDFamily.com

Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.  I want to share my experiences for my own sanity  and to warn others.

I (36) have been with a woman (40) for 4 years who I truly now believe is a Borderline Personality.  I simply cannot account for what has happened any other way. I'll try to tell you my story in as concise a way as possible.

We work on ships.  I met her in the bar one night in 2012 and things got very intense very quickly.  In those early days red flags kept popping up but I ignored them because I had never felt so ADORED, just for being me.  She repeatedly told me she had never met anyone like me, within weeks she had covered her walls with photos of us together, she wanted to make commitment rings for us, basically it was obvious she wanted me to be HERS completely.  She would stare at me with a very concentrated gaze, would tell me how beautiful I was, and also how dreadful every other man in her life had been - he was a weirdo, he was a cheater, he did this to me, he said that to me, etc - quite clearly she saw herself as a victim.  Outlandish stories of her two previous husbands' many abuses and betrayals. I sympathised and she would tell me she had never met anyone with whom it just kept getting deeper and stronger. It was bliss.

She revealed she came from a highly troubled background - alcoholic father, violence, a mother who desperately tried to keep the family together but who was clearly also a victim in her eyes.  She hated her father, described him as a psychopath, whilst Mum was obviously a saint.  I also learned she was a very profound Christian - well, that I now see as suspect, because her recent actions haven't reflected much of Christian charity.

She moved heaven and earth to stay with me on the same ship (I had worked there years) , and everyone got to know us as a devoted couple.  She flared up horribly whenever she perceived another woman as a threat.  I can quite clearly remember a night when I introduced her to a close female friend of mine, a lady old enough to be my mother.  The cold stare this lady got from my girlfriend was chilling, although she did eventually accept her.  It happened with another female friend as well.  It was obvious she was insanely jealous, but I now believe the jealousy was for my attention, not me.  She even seemed to be jealous of my 8 yr old son! I can't remember what she said now but I just got this FEELING that she was jealous of him.

However, she was so sweet and affectionate and erotically passionate that I overlooked the more worrying aspects.  Now that I look back, however, I think a little voice in my soul was always saying "don't fall head over heels for her" and I always kept a part of myself reserved.  It was nice to be with her, but for a long time I couldn't ever quite buy her absolute adoration of me.

I think now what made me nervous was that her love was very childlike, in fact she often said "I think inside I'm just a little girl". Huge red flag, but it made me want to protect her.  However, whenever I said or did anything she perceived as a criticism, she would have an absolutely appalling meltdown.  I would feel like he biggest ogre on earth.  One day early in the relationship I said something which she interpreted (wrongly) as an insult, and she sulked and cried for a whole day.  I apologised profusely for upsetting her.  I'll never forget her reply : "I don't want to be beaten, darling". It was totally disproportionate to the comment I'd made.

In the article I read here I leaned that BPs will often have mysterious physical maladies.  This is so true.  She was always coming down with something, headache, backache, colds, in fact she was rarely healthy. I am a protective guy and would always show huge concern.

Another very interesting thing in light of my research into BPD is that she would ALWAYS tell me whenever another man complimented her.  "This guy said I looked so sexy with my hair this way", "this guy told me I was so charismatic", etc.  There are dozens of examples.  Ok, she is a beauty, no doubt.  I thought she was sweet to be so honest about these other men, as if she didn't want me to hear any rumours so was being upfront.  She always said she didn't want any other man's attention. However, I now think she actually LOVED the attention. What a fool I was.

In December she got a new job on a different ship, but she told me I was perfect for her so never to worry whilst she was away.  I didn't like her leaving, but what could I do?

I proposed to her on holiday in January.  I had finally fallen in love with her, head over heels. She seemed delighted, saying she was marrying the man of her dreams. Everyone congratulated us as having found the perfect match in each other. She told me she loved unconditionally for the first time in her life.

Anyway, the whole reason I have come to learn about BPD is her recent behaviour.  In July we went on holiday with my son and she started making very cold, cutting remarks to me, almost like she was implying I wasn't a real man.  It was hurtful, but I thought well she's just in a bad mood.  But I knew something had CHANGED in her.  It was the look in her eyes.  Cold, blank, as if she knew I was hurt but didn't care. Sex became a non-starter. She said one night "you know I don't like to have sex all the time, darling". Actually, I thought the exact opposite up to that point. And the weird thing with my son again, like she seemed to resent him.

Then I went back to work on my ship on August 16th. She was still at home. I started feeling when I called I was an inconvenience, whereas before if I'd called 10 times a day she would have been delighted. She sounded... .bored. I see now it was already over.

She went back to her ship on September 1st. Suddenly our regular Skype chats became erratic, whereas before we had a prearranged time every day to talk, now two or three days would go by without a word.  I started to get alarmed, especially in light of her recent coolness.  My friends and family all told me to stop worrying, she obviously loved me so much. 

We saw each other for one day in port on September 16th.  She was pretty much her normal self, greeted me with a hug and kiss, introduced me to people on her ship as her fiancé, however again... .no sex.  I didn't make a deal of it, but I knew something was off - two months earlier she'd have ripped my clothes off.

Then after that meeting - NO CONTACT for 10 days.  When she did finally reappear she was hostile, grumpy and accusing, not the sweet angel I had come to know.  She virtually accused me of stalking her (absurd), she said I controlled her, she felt trapped, that I wasn't good for her, etc.  She threw every perceived criticism or insult from months, years ago in my face. Her tone was weird whilst she was doing this : she sounded petulant, whiny and bored.  I eventually asked her if she still wanted to be with me, and said irritably "I don't know" and then the line went dead. There was no sense of remorse or guilt or sadness, it was just a bored, spoilt little girl who felt, once again, that she was a victim of a horrible man.  However, I hadn't DONE ANYTHING. I hadn't cheated on her, there had been no argument I could remember, nothing.  It was a ghastly and sudden fall from grace.

Since then, I've heard nothing from her.  I have been through a period of incredible mental anguish, wondering what I did wrong, blaming myself, being hurt and confused.  I could never ignore someone as she has done me, it would rip my conscience apart.

I think now that last, pathetic conversation was her breakup speech. The immaturity if staggering.  I have reached out to her once since, to say I am always here for her whenever she wants to talk.  I see now that played into her hands beautifully.

Dear readers, all this is what led me to try and find an explanation for this extraordinary behaviour.  I think in BPD I have found my answer.  No woman I know would break up with someone like this, especially not someone they said was the best thing that ever happened to them! Nothing, not another man, something I have done, a personal crisis can account for this behaviour. I have gone from the Man Who Can Do No Wrong to a complete non-entity and it has been devastating, confusing and frightening.  What's even worse is I'm technically still engaged to her.

When someone is too good to be true they usually are.  Mark my words and I hope you never experience what I have.

Bless you for reading.

Hi Gw980, 

Welcome to bpdfamily! I'm so sorry to hear about your recent relationship problems. What has happened is so painful, and I can relate to your feelings, very much. I was blindsided by similar actions by pwBPD several times during our relationship, and it felt devastating.  

The good news is that there is hope for things to get better. You are not alone, Gw. Our members have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. The website also has tons of resources and tools that can help. You've found the right place for support.

Your feelings of confusion and fear are very normal. It sounds like you have informed yourself about BPD. Have you seen the article below? It helps to know that there are recognizable patterns that can show up in someone with BPD, and it's not just some random behavior, or caused by something you did:

The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder  (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm)

How are you coping with the silence between you, Gw? You've posted on the Detaching board: are you thinking that you want to end the relationship? I ask because I wouldn't be surprised if your fiancée wants to come back and continue your relationship again. A person with BPD often exhibits very changeable emotions—from one extreme to another—and rather quickly.

I recommend reading everything you can about BPD and taking extra good care of yourself right now. Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can talk to? Are you getting sleep and exercising? It takes a very strong person to handle this kind of confusing behavior.

What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship)

Keep writing. It really helps. We've been where you are, and we're here for you now.  

heartandwhole

Gw980:

  So sorry you're going through this. It's a strange experience to read someone else's experience, as I just read yours, and wonder: did we date the same person?  lol Sharing on this board will help you get support (and it helps the rest of us too). I really related to the red flags--I too saw many and ignored them. You're not "a fool." You got hit by a truck. It hurts real bad, and moment by moment things get better.

I'll share one thing from my experience: the pain from this break up was so intense, so deeply felt, that it made me feel even worse about myself. I've since learned from this community that my pain is typical for someone exiting a relationship with a pwBPD. I've learned that my exBPDgf didn't set out to hurt me, that she is ill, but that I have to stay the eff away from her. More importantly, perhaps, is what I've learned about myself: I saw the red flags and ignored them. What is it about me that made me do that? Why did I stay with someone who emotionally abused me?

Hang in there. Like many on here, I feel that the wreckage from this relationship has changed me forever, and that this experience gives me a chance to work on myself (in ways I didn't know needed working).

Pete

"Her tone was weird whilst she was doing this : she sounded petulant, whiny and bored.  I eventually asked her if she still wanted to be with me, and said irritably "I don't know" and then the line went dead. There was no sense of remorse or guilt or sadness, it was just a bored, spoilt little girl who felt, once again, that she was a victim of a horrible man.  However, I hadn't DONE ANYTHING"

... .well, I can relate to a lot of what you said. Pretend you were dating an 8 year old in a woman's body, does it make more sense? That may be what has happened. At least you didn't marry her, that would have made it more difficult to get on with things.

I think one of the worst things may be the very sudden reversal -- like, how can you trust love when it just goes away for no reason? The answer is you can't trust borderline love... .ever. Just find something more real, if you can, and be glad it wasn't a 30 year relationship -- these stories are on the message boards too.