BPDFamily.com

So I've been reading this board for the last couple weeks, and finally decided to join.  It's been so super useful in helping me move past my uBPDex of 2 1/2 years. 

I'm sure my story is not unique to most of yours.  As is typical, the honeymoon phase was the most blissful time of any relationship I've ever been in, and started up about 15 months post-divorce from my kids' mother, who was a "normal" woman that I was married to for almost 14 years.  So blissful in fact that we dated only 4 months before we decided to get married.  I had seen some clear warning signs, but wanted so badly for the relationship to work that I ignored them.  Once we got married, all the usual things began to happen as they do with BPD individuals.  The splitting, the praise/devaluation, the intense and over the top insecurity/jealousy with constant suspicions and accusations, the rages, etc.  We stayed married about 3 months until I'd had enough, and were divorced 2 months later.  Never really stopped talking and got back together about 3 months later and she moved in with me.  Honeymoon lasted about a month, and then back to the same old.  She moved out 3 months later.  On again, off again for the next 5 months, until I finally ended it for what I thought was the last time.  We were NC for about 2 1/2 months until she contacted me out of the blue to chastise me about something and, of course, this led to us getting back together once again.  I decided, as most of us probably have, to give it one more go... .this time giving it literally everything I had.  I felt I needed this last shot for my peace of mind and so as to not feel some type of regret.  For some reason, I had convinced myself that I hadn't done that before... .though looking back that's probably not completely true and part of the difficulty of getting past a BPD ex.  So I went back for more.

From day one, I bent over backwards for every demand she made, no matter how unreasonable.  I sat and took her s__t for old wounds she had, whether I'd played any part in them or not.  I went above and beyond.  Never been more selfless and committed to something in my entire life.  I could go on and on with examples, but won't bore you guys with the details.  But I basically sold my soul for the relationship for almost 7 months, the last 2 months of which we were engaged to be married once again (and not so ironically, when everything got really bad yet again).  In selling myself out, I unwittingly let her control and manipulate almost everything I did and every move I made.  She made me an entirely different person and I couldn't even see it at the time.  I was doing everything she asked and even everything I THOUGHT she wanted me to do, and in the process was slowly destroying everything around me.  In a moment of clarity and after months of verbal and emotional abuse, I finally saw that she was eventually going to cost me my kids (ages 16, 12, and 11) and much more. So I ended it, which of course was explosive as usual. 

I know I'm better off without her, and I know for sure my kids are.  I can't and won't even entertain a return to her because I know the result would be that would lose my kids, my family, my friends, one day my job, and eventually myself.  And I'm totally embarrassed in hindsight at the horrific things my kids had to see and were subjected to.  Downright deplorable.

We've now been broken up 6 weeks and been NC for a little over 4 weeks.

Even after reading everything I can on BPD, getting over a BPD ex, etc., I still don't think I fully comprehend the train wreck I was living with for 2 1/2 years.  It was totally different than any relationship I'd ever had or ever seen firsthand.  Confusing would be the understatement of the year.  Yet I've mourned and grieved this woman more than any in my life, including my kids' mom who I was married to for so long.  But every day as I come out of the fog, I am reminded of things she did this last go round that are unforgivable.  Because those type things had become so "normal," I guess I just blew them off as they were happening.

Anyway, still a bit stuck on her and the relationship and not real sure how to completely let go.  Thanks to all for listening to my ramble.

Hi jarrad2121,

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear you had go go through that. A r/s with a pwBPD feels like an emotional rollercoaster, with high high's and really low low's, they're very unstable r/s that leave you mentally exhausted.

I'm happy to hear that you have found the site useful ti you and that you decided to join us. We all have similar stories but they're all unique and therapeutical to write down our experiences. It helps to share with people that understand. You're not alone.


I can relate with that confusion at the end of my marriage. Everyone heals their own way, there's not one right way to heal but I found that I had to dissect my marriage into separate pieces, examine what happened from my perspective and my exe's perspective ( as close as I possibly can with someone with distorted thinking ) until those pieces made sense, it took time to grieve the r/s.  I think that what is really important is read as much as you can about the disorder to depersonalize the behaviors and to get answers about your experience when our exe can't or won't give them to us.

How are the kids doing?

How are you doing? Are you eating enough, getting enough sleep?

Welcome, jarrad! It sounds like one hell of a ride, and I'm sure you already know from reading many of the stories here that we can relate to what you've been through.


Couldn't agree more. Nothing in my life has come close to confusing and disorienting me as much as the relationship with my BPDex. I often wonder how it was possible to feel so absolutely in tune with another person, on the exact same wavelength, when things were going well ... .and to look back on it now and wonder what on earth happened, what was really going through her mind, and who was she really? And who was I? Like you, I look back on the my year and a half with my ex and wonder how I became such a reckless person in how I treated other relationships, my work, my family. I just didn't see how reckless I was being at the time, until I forced myself to walk away and let time and distance give me some perspective.

Can you say a little bit more about the thoughts or emotions or desires that are confusing you now? We can all relate to that feeling of confusion, but it often also helps to write it out in detail.


I've found this hard as well. I think because the grieving feels so unhealthy and unnatural. A point of reference for me has been losing a girlfriend in a car accident 14 years ago. We had been dating about two and a half years and the shock of losing her was devastating. But as much pain as I was in and as deeply as I mourned her, I look back on it now and think of it as "healthy grieving", in the sense that I didn't feel confused and lost then the way I do now after this past relationship. When mourning my girlfriend who passed away, I never felt unsure who I was or took such a hit to my self-esteem or felt like I had been living a train wreck. The pain was brutal, but I understood exactly why it hurt so much and when I relived memories of the relationship I was never confused about what it all meant to her and to me.


Same path of realisation for me. Just keep processing it slowly, reflecting on the lack of boundaries and how you came to accept those things as normal.


Time and patience. Those are your best friends now. :) Don't put any pressure on yourself to figure it all out at once. The confusion and the emotional rollercoaster continue for some time even after the relationship is over and we're sure of that decision. It gets better with time. But time just won't be rushed.

Keep posting and reading here. It can be very therapeutic. :)

Thanks Mutt!  I've been doing exactly what you did after your r/s ended.  Just reading as much as humanly possible, over and over and over.  Mostly reading articles and blogs about how exactly to move on from a r/s with a BPD.  I continue to be more than amazed that these seem to be the hardest r/s's to get over.  It really defies logic that one can so badly mourn and grieve the loss of someone that was so toxic, volatile, and downright hateful.  I mean, common sense says that I should be happy about things ending.

The kids were actually elated when they found out we had broken up.  They were pretty much done with this r/s about a year ago, and were completely against us getting back together in February.  Like I said, they had to see things firsthand and it was, just to be frank, awful.  They had had enough, and they could see her harmful behavior towards me (and towards them) in a way that I couldn't or didn't want to.  After the breakup, my 16 year old son, who I'm really close with, told me ":)ad, I'm so glad this is over because she made you an entirely different person and you couldn't see it."  This was totally unsolicited.  Not so ironically, just one day later my best friend, who has lived this entire relationship with me and knows all the details, told me EXACTLY the same thing.  My parents had been telling me this for quite some time as well.  But when you're in the throes of it, you just can't see it.

As for me, I think I'm doing pretty good.  I have really good days, and some that are not so good.  But the bad moments seem to be getting less and less.  I'm just tired of the obsessive thoughts and ruminations... .playings moments and scenes from the relationship over and over in my head.  The "what if's" and "if only's" and the blame and regret and guilt I put on myself.  Even when I know I didn't cause her to act the way she did.  It's mentally and emotionally exhausting, and I'm ready for it to stop and move on.  I'm eating pretty well, I think.  I guess my main negatives right now would be wanting to do nothing other than go to work and come home and sit in the same spot on the couch until I go to bed.  And I haven't been able to sleep in my bed since we broke up.  Been sleeping on the couch.

Any thoughts or ideas on how to let go and move on would be greatly appreciated though.

I agree, but I think that time behind you helps you to appreciate that it's really over.

I can relate with not being able to sleep in the same bed after my ex left. It was tough for a little while, I was always used to having someone sleeping in the same bed but it's how things ended that was painful and it triggered memories of her. I wanted to burn the mattress because I was angry at her. That's good to hear that you still have an appetite, it might be a good idea to talk to an MD about sleep. I started exercise, and one of the reasons why is because it helps with sleep at night, it's something that may help you too.

I understand that it's hard to see the forest for the trees when you're in the throes of it but I think that it's more complicated than simply leaving someone, we're talking about a long term r/s and sometimes we try to exhaust all options before ending a r/s, that's how I thought about it. I can relate with the ruminations, a r/s is between two people, it's half and half, I was guilty of taking the lion's share of the blame but in reality, it's not all my fault. How can we make things work if someone else is not willing to make it work or they don't understand how their behaviors affects others? It's self destructive behavior in a r/s. My advice, don't put all of it on your back, take the portions that belong to you and examine it, but don't beat yourself up. Fail and fail often to learn about ourselves and relationships. Writing can also be therapeutic, it helps to write your experiences down on this forum.

jarrad2121,

I join Mutt and refriesen in welcoming you here!  Keep posting.  I plan to keep posting myself and, next year, hopefully look back with mostly indifference where applicable.  I agree that talking to your doctor about a sleep aide is a great idea and even an antidepressant if you feel it might be beneficial.  Sleep is a must.  If you're like me, going to bed was an invitation for the ruminations to start and they would be incredibly difficult to stop.  In my case, Ambien worked wonders as it just put me down.  It's hard for me to tell, but I believe the antidepressant has helped with ruminations as well.  Friends and family have mentioned that it's helped even me out.  Like you, working and going home to the couch has been my life... .and as time passes I've feeling more OK with it.  Process things at your speed and don't put a timetable on it.  It sucks but the only way out is through.

As you'll see many, many postings here referring to "no contact" or "low contact" (NC LC) and it's been absolutely crucial to me making a recovery at all.  I can't imagine where I'd be without sleep and still feeling the constant, agonizing pull to someone I lived with for 25 years.  Possibly dead.  Also, another thing that's helped is to not look at the day-to-day feelings you have but more month-to-month.  Read through as many threads as you can here, the volume of information is unlike any other BPD site I've found.

bi