BPDFamily.com

uBPD/NPDgf has been shutting down, distancing, and I venture to say dysregulating for the past month or so. Tonight, I reached out to assess where she stands in regard to working on us. Among the comments that broke me down into tears were:

"I'm dying in this relationship. I'm not living."
"I don't have any hope for this relationship."
"This relationship has to end."

Tame, I'm certain, compared to the words that certainly fly out of mouths behind the scenes around here. She's a quiet borderline. There are very few outright attacks; the blows hit the heart harder than any explicitly cruel words I've endured by the other borderlines in my life.

This is happening right after I did some mega heavy lifting (along with doling out a lot of empowerment and encouragement about what's to come) to get her back on track in her PhD program. She'd lost hope about this and was attributing a good percentage of her messy emotions to it most of the summer.

I'm sure she's experiencing fallout from this as she realizes that a huge roadblock has been removed but the stormy emotions and identity instability weren't swept away with it. (I liked the week of gratitude better. Hey, I'm human.)

I am hurting. I fell into the trap of avoiding the realities of the relationship by keeping myself busy with impossible feats to please her. When the adrenaline rush of all that wears off and the grandest gesture falls flat, it results in some pretty significant despair.

Those are hard words to hear.


This is a good insight, prettyflowers.


Yes, that is so.   And now for the fun question: what have you learned? 

Yes indeed, the things a quite/waif borderline says can cut very very deep, much more so than overt attacks IMO.  My ex is a quiet borderline for the most part and some of the things she said to me were some of the most thoughtless, insensitive and damaging words ever spoken to me.   I can remember on several occasions I was left literally speechless with the sheer selfishness and thoughtlessness of what she had said.

It is so very hard to see the real meaning behind seemingly innocuous words when you are faced with it, especially if you are actively trying to convince yourself that this person you deeply love would never intentionally say or do something that would cause you so much pain.
 

I completely understand this.  No matter how much you do it never seems to be quite enough.  My ex used to frequently say ... .All I want _____ .  Well, nothing could have been further from the truth. As soon as that "want" was filled, there was another and another to take its place.  What is even more confusing is when you give them what they want and they aren't happy with it.   It leads to not only a significant amount of confusion but as you said, a profound sense of despair.  When nothing you do seems good enough you start to question your own self-worth and over time your personal self (as a whole) becomes compromised.

So where do you want to go from here PF?