BPDFamily.com

My wife tends to get really wrapped up in projects, reading and that kind of thing... .and then leaves things in a printer... .or a computer open.

I've wondered if I am "supposed" to find them for some weird way of communicating, or if it is truly a mistake made while being busy.

She is meeting with a mentor weekly.  Mentor is specially trained lay person at the church.

One of her assignments this week is to "Create a plan to fall back in love with your husband".  (computer was left open)

She apparently has been googling that and has spent a lot of time on the following website.

www.today.com/health/30-easy-not-cheesy-ways-fall-love-your-husband-again-t74681


So, on the one hand I appreciate the effort and thought.  In typical BPD style, while working on this project I've been especially ignored/given silent treatment  etc etc.

Sigh.

Big picture:  Good that mentor is having her plan to take charge of her part in the relationship and her feelings towards me.

Thoughts?

FF

I think it is a good thing, and it is probably best to act like you never saw it.  Just think if she had been talking to her sister instead, and you found something like "30 signs that you have a loser for a husband."  Her working on improving her marriage is a much better way for her to spend her time and thoughts.

It should also be noted that while she is trying to do what she can, you can also help her along in this.  It appears that she is feeling like there isn't much romance in your marriage right now (what you can't fight and be romantic at the same time?   :) ), so if you try and do what you can on your side of the romance equation, you might find that she is eager to receive it right now.

 
Fian,

Agreed.  P counseled me to be open to this and to give "little nudges" or "bids" (Gottmans work) to show her I am open to more romance, but to not be pushy.

One of P's observations is that I need to let my wife's ideas... .stay her ideas so she can believe (at least in her head) that she is autonomous. 

A dysfunctional relationship pattern I am hoping to "nip" by doing this is where my wife suggests a course of action, I reluctantly go along, I realize I like course of action, I get excited about it, wife gets p$ssed that I like her idea, wife "flips" and hates her own idea and somehow assigns me blame for her idea.

Example:  Years ago wife proposed that we got to a church bible study on "boundaries" (based on Townsend book).  I reluctantly went along, realized it was good stuff and was excited to put boundaries to work in our relationship and "clarify who is responsible for what", wife flipped out... .hates boundaries.

Sigh.

So... .off top of my head... .I need to make sure that idea for more romance is my wife's idea and that I'm going along with it to support her... .vice jumping on bandwagon.

Thoughts?

FF

Sounds like when she is working on something, she likes to keep "ownership" of it.

Possibly if you express too much enthusiasm or seem to take a lead with her, she may feel she looses ownership of this.

If she wants to be "in control" or "take ownership" in falling back in love with you, makes complete sense to me for you to stay out of it, allow her to lead like it is her thing, her project, etc.

I can somehow imagine that if you "join" her in this or such without her leading, she may feel you have stolen this opportunity from her.

Just a thought.

 |iiii All sounds good though!

Formflier,


Do you feel disappointed that it didn't work a few years ago? Damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of situation if you choose to coach her a little?

Are you comparing an exercise from a few years ago to a situation today? Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt and try? My advice, don't overthink this.

I am a classic overthinker.

Right now my "attitude" is that I will let her take the initiative on any thinks like this.  I think what my P is telling me is to let her "keep the lead" on things like this.

I'll make sure and clarify this with P.

FF

I'm guilty of overthinking things too sometimes   That's a good idea to ask your P again, but from what I gather from what you shared with us here, your P is saying don't over do it.

Since she doesn't know that you read the document, you can't exactly take the leadership from her on this.  Maybe something more subtle?  Turn romance up a single notch, but don't overdo it?  You can also do some sleuthing to see what the 30 things listed are.  When you see her doing one of the 30, then you can respond in kind.

My advice is to let her stuff, her homework, be hers to work out and deal with. She is supposed to be doing homework with her mentor, let her do it.

Trying to read her mind is exhausting - and usually not helpful.

www.today.com/health/30-easy-not-cheesy-ways-fall-love-your-husband-again-t74681

Is it wrong that this made me laugh? Sorry.  :)

I imagined that in BPDspeak, the assignment is "Create a plan to fall back in love with that a*****e loser."

Sounds like she is taking a positive step in the right direction. The article quotes a couples therapist that has a good reputation and a lot of experience working with troubled couples, Michelle Werner Davis. She wrote a book ":)ivorce Busting".

I love you guys!   :)

My side is hurting from laughing

FF