BPDFamily.com

Hello all, it is so good to know that other people understand what I am gong through. So, thanks in advance! I have been married for 10 years and have a daughter who is 9 years old. I also have 2 stepsons, age 16 and 18 years. The youngest SS lives with us and the older one lives with his mother several states away.
There is so much so say, but since I don't know where to start I will begin with the incident that lead to my husband and I going to a counselor. Early August, the day before the first day of school and also the day prior to my big test to receive my pharmacy license in this state (we just moved a year ago), I made a seemingly benign comment about my stepson. I simply stated that he did a good job cleaning the kitchen, but didn't wash anything that I had used. No big deal? Well, my husband got extremely mad. I tried to exit the situation, knowing the next day was huge with my test and my daughter's first day back to school. He went to the garage, physically blocked me from leaving and screamed while pushing his face into mine. I was very upset that he would treat me like this the day before my test. Me called me all day long. I begged him to stay at work but he came home. It was a disaster. I wanted nothing more than for him to leave me alone. I wasn't right not to forgive him, and things probably wouldn't have spiraled the drain if I had forgiven him right then, but I didn't.
So, the next day after a sleepless night, the first day of school, a very long test, etc, we didn't talk too much, but I thought things were improving.
The following morning, I was getting out of bed and asked what he wanted to do about our situation. He began yelling at me (calling me an unforgiving b) and telling me all he needed was forgiveness. I was stunned as he got in my face, spit flying out of his mouth, yelling profanities... .I sat on the edge of the bed and he got underneath my legs and flipped my legs over my head sending me to the opposite side of the room. I was stunned. Then, as I sit down again, he repeats the whole thing. I beg him to be quiet so he doesn't wake our daughter. Then, he hold me down on the bed and yells mean things directly in my face. I hurt my wrists trying to get away from him. My daughter wakes up, comes in room and he begins crying and curled in a ball on the floor. I try to get her away and manage to keep calm and get her ready for school. I took her to the bus stop and immediately left my house. I stayed in a parking lot until I knew he had left. He called and I told him that he needed to see a counselor immediately.
Through a miracle of God, a friend of his had given him the name of a wonderful man. The counselor saw him that very day and then we began doing couples counseling as well. My counselor asked me if I had ever heard of BPD. I read up and recognized many things that fit, but also some that don't. There is no drug use, no self mutilation, no inconsistencies or short employment histories. When the counselor told my husband about BPD, by husband thought he was crazy. My husband is a driven overachiever who excels at his job that he has had over 10 years. However, years ago, we realized he overreacted to things. Even he said he had emotional wounds from childhood dyslexia and not feeling accepted or good enough. I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and felt like so many people were going through the same things as me. The problem is that my husband does not believe it since he doesn't have the mutilation, drug abuse, instability with jobs, etc. The counselor got my husband to begin taking citalopram (SSRI-an antidepressant that also helps with anger issues) since he had a few more anger episodes (not nearly as bad) and crying episodes since the first session.
I am so grateful to our counselor and feel he has opened my eyes and given me so many tools. My husband can't stand the counselor and thinks things would have improved anyway. He will still go to therapy, but it is painful and he just thinks he get picked on.
Please help! I would like to stay married and have things improve but I don't want my daughter to ever see what she saw again. Also, I am just now starting to feel normal again after that episode and that was August 3. Please help. This is all so overwhelming... .Why can't he be grateful? Oh gosh... .
By the way, I guess I should have checked the "I don't know where I belong" option? I want to improve this relationship and right now it seems to be improving, but not if I gets physically worse and I feel it's bad for my daughter. I am not sure which group I belong in now, but don't know how to change it, sorry!

Hi ingodstime,

Welcome and hello  :)

What a scary experience that he was triggered to hurt you like that. And I'm so sorry your daughter had to see it. Sometimes, though, getting sunlight on the behaviors (even though very difficult) is the best thing for the family.

Is your daughter also getting therapy to help her process what she's witnessing?

A parent with BPD can, because of the disorder, may very invalidating to a child (and to spouses), while desperately needing validation himself. I found it turned the normal parent-child relationship upside down and that is the source of my son's core wounds more than anything.

Has the counselor recommended validation as a communication skill for you? It can help create a validating environment, to keep emotional arousal from escalating.

InGodsTime,

Welcome! I remember discovering about BPD, I cried - finally some answers!

You will probably not be able to cure his BPD - especially if he doesn't want therapy. However, there are ways to make YOU better, and to make the relationship better.

Are you worried he will physically hurt you? If so you need to have a plan in place on how to leave (with your daughter). Have a bag packed, know where you will go, be ready - just in case you need to leave. If things are heated, this may be the best action.

The way to improve the relationship will come down to 3 main things:
 - learn how to talk to him in a validating manner. This will lessen his "rages".
 - learn how to set boundaries to protect yourself. This requires confidence, and determination.
 - learn how to take care of yourself mentally and emotionally.

All these things will improve YOU, and your relationship. Many on this site are living with a BPD partner each day. Start reading, start asking questions. We all know the rollercoaster!

Thanks so much to both of you for replying. Besides my counselor, you both are the only people who I can talk to that understand this. I have told my parents and best friend, but it is definitely not a topic that you can share with very many others. Especially if you have a high functioning BPD who nobody would suspect has any problems. I feel so much less alone knowing there are other people who are dealing with this too. It can feel pretty lonely and chaotic and confusing. I feel much better now, just knowing I am not alone.

My counselor is wonderful. I never was familiar with BPD until my counselor brought it up. That was the beginning of shining the sunlight on this topic. I love how you said that, livednlearned. I have been completely in the dark for over 10 years, wondering if I was just an awful wife or just basically not having any idea why things could suddenly go horribly wrong in the blink of an eye. My login is ingodtime, because I think about how this has been going on under the surface for so long, and in his time, He makes us aware. Now, there is so much more understanding. So many things make sense. Once the counselor mentioned this, I began reading Stop Walking on Eggshells (on the down low, of course). I am learning the validation skills through the counselor, the book, this website and another website called out of the fog. It all makes sense. I just hope that I can remember to put it in use during the heat of the moment. I am such a logical person, that I was JADEing like crazy prior to learning about BPD. That certainly made things far worse, which made no sense to me. I have put validation to use a couple of times since learning about it, and it made a big difference for the better. Let's hope it sinks deep enough into my brain to become automatic.

Concerning our sweet 9 year old daughter, she is not seeing a counselor but I have thought about that. She tells me that she heard us arguing and then saw dad crying and rolling around on the floor. So, she didn't witness him throwing me on and across the bed, etc. Thank goodness for that. Anyway, we have talked about it because sometimes she tells me that she is afraid that we will get a divorce. I told her that it wasn't right that dad gets so angry and cries in front of her. I told her that it is an emotional problem that has nothing to do with her and that he had it before she was ever born. I tell her that I don't ever want to get a divorce and that dad and I are talking to a wonderful man who helps moms and dads with their problems. She seems comforted by this. Fortunately, the physical nature of the arguments mainly happened when she wasn't around. I am highly motivated to learn all I can to do my part because of her. I had a moment when I realized that I can only do all I can. If things were to deteriorate, I have come to the realization that I would leave with my daughter. I do not want her to witness any more craziness. It is something I don't like to think about and I hope it never comes to that point.

The physical stuff happens maybe every 6 months to a year. It is largely because of my daughter that I insisted on getting to a counselor. In fact, back in October of last year, there was another incident that sent me to a different counselor. I told her I was concerned with the physical stuff (I didn't know about BPD, didn't think my husband fit the typical abuser profile, but yet what the heck was going on?). This lady was terrible. She just told my husband to make sure that neither of us is hungry, or tired when we argue. Despite that I told her the fighting lead to bruises, etc. I was so hopeless after seeing her. We saw her maybe 4 useless times. After the incident in August, I knew nothing was going to change unless we got help. It was honestly a miracle that we found the right counselor. I am grateful to him beyond words. I feel due to medication, counseling (hubby was much less defensive and argumentative in counseling yesterday) and the simple fact that the cat is out of the bag--will lead to a big improvement. It has so far. I believe bringing sunlight onto the situation is huge. Otherwise, I truly believe I was going to get hurt. I have never been so scared in my life. If things had stayed the same, it was only a matter of time.

So, yes learning how to use boundaries, validation and taking care of myself and my daughter, mentally and emotionally. I do leave the house and sit in my car in the parking lot of a shopping center or go somewhere else when things get out of hand. I have enrolled my daughter in lots of things she enjoys, soccer, girl scouts, church, tutoring, ballgames, etc. I am also making more of an effort to do more things outside. I think my confidence took a nosedive over the years. I now realize getting out gives me more perspective. Trying to decide if going back to work is right. My husband travels and we have no family close by, so I feel like I need to be available to be there for my daughter after school. Maybe will find something with flexible hours, I am looking but not much available now.

I am sorry for the length of this. It is just that so much as been bottled up for so long and now there is sudden awareness. Thank both of you for helping me. You have truly brightened my day!

By the way, livednlearned, how is your son doing now? ArleighBurke, how is your spouse now? Thank you both again!




     
     
   

It's so important to have a good counselor! I'm glad for you -- relieved -- that you have that. And that she is helping you understand validation. Like you say, having these skills become automatic is the goal, and be kind and gentle with yourself when things go off the rails. It takes time and practice, and even then we can only do our best.

My son is now 15, he was 9 when he saw his first counselor. I think it might be essential for our kids to have a counselor, though my son has some sensitive genotype stuff of his own and that certainly makes him at higher risk for developing BPD-type behaviors. He was a tremendously empathetic child, very big feelings, and there was just no room for that with a BPD father. We have certainly worked hard on healing over the years.

It might be useful for you to validate your D's feelings. I did the same thing you did, tried to help S15 understand his dad. Looking back, I realize I was trying to enlist S15 in normalizing his dad's behaviors, and overlooked validating his own feelings. I would say things like, ":)ad had a very difficult childhood and didn't have a good relationship with his parents." That just told my son that his dad could throw tantrums, like that was ok. You are in a better situation because you're learning about validation and BPD, and can practice those skills on your D while also helping her learn them too.

Do you think your husband is able to talk about the physical abuse during tender cycles? If so (and talk to your counselor about this), it might be a good idea to tell him that any sign of abuse and you will do xyz. Either way, if he gets physical, leave. This not only helps you, it helps him. People with BPD tend to feel bad about feeling bad, and that just keeps making things worse.

If it happened once, the odds are good it will happen again. There are ways to tell him how you will respond during a full-blown dysregulation that can help minimize the shame (the skill SET is good for this). And setting boundaries (things you have control over for yourself) helps him. It provides structure and tells him you are able to care for yourself when he can't.

Keep posting, and keep asking lots of questions. People here really understand and know what you're going through 

LnL

Thanks LnL,

That is helpful advice. I never thought about it that way, helping myself when he can't and the fact that if I don't he and I both will feel bad for letting him treat me poorly.--Here's the quote... .

If it happened once, the odds are good it will happen again. There are ways to tell him how you will respond during a full-blown dysregulation that can help minimize the shame (the skill SET is good for this). And setting boundaries (things you have control over for yourself) helps him. It provides structure and tells him you are able to care for yourself when he can't.

I have been much better at leaving in the past few years. The problem occurs when I am physically blocked from leaving. He will literally block my way.

There are some things that have changed for the good. I have acknowledged the problem to a counselor and we are getting help and he is now on medication. I know neither of things are guarantees that it won't happen again, and yet I am hoping it won't ever happen again. Hope for the best and plan for the worst, I guess.

Thank you so much for all your insight. I feel like we were in the boat-both looking our for the best interests of our child. That is the best motivator for me to learn to do what is in my control. You are an inspiration to me.

If you get a chance, please let me know if your situation got better or worse after your ex was diagnosed. I am curious. Also, are you lots happier now? I hope so.

Have a super day and thank you!

It's hard to do much when he's blocking you physically.  I'm sorry that happens.

If you are leaving when he escalates, you are taking care of yourself. How can you take care of yourself in advance? Can you talk to him during a tender cycle and use SET skills to explain what will happen if he does manage to get physical and try to block you?

Another way to think this through: What boundary are you willing to enforce when he gets physical and blocks you? A boundary is something you do to protect yourself, and it can happen after the fact to be effective. It needs to be something you are 100 percent committed to doing. It's important to be honest with yourself about what you are willing to do -- only you can know how much emotional/psychological strength you have, and if you are like many people here, maybe you've been feeling some shame about what's been going on in the relationship. It can take small changes to build up your strength after having it chipped away over time. 

Examples: For some people, after a physical altercation, it might be staying with friends or family until he has returned to baseline. For others, it might mean calling 911. Ideally, it is something that you do for yourself. Giving him an ultimatum is not recommended because it can feel like a combination of control and shame -- two things that are hard for someone who struggles with emotional regulation and shaky sense of self. It's also true in some BPD relationships that it's better to not state the boundary ahead of time. You may decide that it's safer to act swiftly after the fact and be very clear about what you are doing to take care of yourself, meanwhile reassuring him (if you can) that priority number one is to make sure everyone is safe, and that both of you have a responsibility to see to that goal.



Here are some success stories to read (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.msg690509#msg690509).