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Title: How do you keep NC when you move in the same circles? Post by: sweet tooth on October 15, 2016, 01:37:10 PM My ex and I have a lot of friends in common. How do you keep NC if they're bound to pop up at any given time? When I saw her last night I just ignored her. I got the impression that she was trying to throw her replacement in my face, but I didn't bite. I just kept my distance. She glanced at me a few times. I'm pretty sure she wanted me to be jealous or some nonsense. Then she abandoned the group and ran off with him. Why anybody would go to a group function and not stay with the group is beyond me, but whatever.
Anyway, did I take the best course of action? What if she approaches me sometime or attempts to triangulate me with the replacement (which I'm pretty sure occurred last night). Title: Re: How do you keep NC when you move in the same circles? Post by: Mutt on October 15, 2016, 03:13:38 PM Hi sweet tooth,
What was the function? Maybe it wasn't her taste, maybe she had another function to go to, maybe they were having a fight, there could be a lot of reasons why. A pwBPD don't intentionally triangulate people, it's a martyr complex and the person believes that they are being victimized and will blame others. That being said, NC is not a hard and fast rule, I'm minimal contact with my ex wife, my boundary is that I'll have discussions about the kids and that's all, I won't JADE, sometimes I'll BIFF, I won't answer the phone because I want to keep everything tracked by email in case I ever need it for family court. She gets the idea that I won't talk about personal things, but I had to keep defending my boundaries. I used to have floating boundaries and she knew if she pushed enough she would get what she wanted but not anymore. Does it make you feel uncomfortable that you may to talk to her at one of these functions? Title: Re: How do you keep NC when you move in the same circles? Post by: Mutt on October 15, 2016, 03:33:02 PM https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299829.0
Excerpt It hurt that she thinks so little of me that she ran off without the rest of the group to avoid me. It hurt that they came in holding hands. She was very reluctant to do stuff like that with me in public. It felt like she was rubbing it in my face (and probably was knowing who she is). It hurts that we can't even have a friendly relationship. I think about her every day and I miss our friendship. I never cared about somebody as much as I cared for her... .and now she treats me like a lepper. You're probably a source of shame for her, not because of you but because of her actions with you, I completely understand how that would hurt seeing her in public. Excerpt Lastly, it hurts that I'm such a codependent fool that I'm letting this affect me. My new friend who asked me to come seems like she might be interested in me. She's superior to the BPD in all ways: She's prettier, she's stable, she has a better job, she has a better family, she treats me nicely, she is religious and has good morals, she is friendly and interacts well with other people, she's generous, never married/divorced and no kids. I couldn't completely enjoy her company because I have this hanging over my head. I think deep down I'm terrified she will eventually betray me, too. You feel this way today, you may feel differently later, maybe your not ready to date yet? Title: Re: How do you keep NC when you move in the same circles? Post by: Curiously1 on October 15, 2016, 05:06:15 PM I wouldn't fixate on why she is there or her actions or observe her that much while there and just try to enjoy your time and focus on what you are there for, surrounding yourself with people/friends you want to talk to. Perhaps try to come up with a plan in your head for next time you may possibly bump into her. All you can really do is be civil and not pay her much attention as much as she may bother you at times. We cannot control what she chooses to do and if she decides to approach you. Just do not look affected and don't share too much with her you would a friend.
This might give you some ideas, check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwjarSc3RME Title: Re: How do you keep NC when you move in the same circles? Post by: sweet tooth on October 16, 2016, 10:58:20 PM Thank you both for your support.
Mutt: It was a Halloween event: Zombie Paintball/Haunted House. It was a MeetUp event. The whole purpose is to go and meet new people. Going off by yourself defeats the entire purpose of the event. Plus, if it wasn't something a person is into they just wouldn't go. There were over twenty of us in the group. It's not like there were only a handful of people there and we would have awkwardly been stuck together. I just found it bizarre. I'm sure I'm a source of shame. Her behaviors toward me were downright deplorable. It makes me feel uncomfortable that she will be at these functions very several reasons: 1. It gives her the opportunity to parade a new love interest (which she did). 2. It gives her the opportunity to recycle me if she chooses to do so, and let's be honest: It's not beyond the realm of possibility. 3. It makes it awkward for the other people in the group and myself. 4. It gives her the opportunity to smear my reputation and lie about me to mutual friends and acquaintances. 5. I don't know how I would react if she approached me. Deep down I would like to still be friends with her even though I realize that she is a toxic human being. Curiously: I wish it were that easy. My entire life I have had a very obsessive mind. Even when I was a small child I would fixate and obsess. I don't know how to break out of that pattern after doing it for 30 years. Title: Re: How do you keep NC when you move in the same circles? Post by: Mutt on October 17, 2016, 09:18:06 AM Hi sweet tooth,
Excerpt It makes it awkward for the other people in the group and myself. My advice is that if she chooses to distort reality and lie, that's on her, don't make her behaviors personal and don't put it all on your back with how others in the group might or might not think - it's speculation. All of this has to hurt, have you thought about self protection to give yourself a buffer to heal? I would feel disappointed if I had to miss out because of somebody else, but my emotional well-being and taking care of myself is more important, maybe find another meet-up for a little while? Title: Re: How do you keep NC when you move in the same circles? Post by: sweet tooth on October 17, 2016, 09:35:24 AM Mutt: Thank you for the suggestion. I considered that, too. I don't want to do that for two reasons:
1. I don't want to let her have that kind of power of me. 2. I've met new people who I enjoy spending time with. I don't want to give that up because of her. Title: Re: How do you keep NC when you move in the same circles? Post by: Mutt on October 17, 2016, 10:00:33 AM Excerpt 1. I don't want to let her have that kind of power of me. 2. I've met new people who I enjoy spending time with. I don't want to give that up because of her. That makes sense, taking control of yourself is something that your ex has no control over, that's how I interpret taking our power back when we don't give our exes stimulus that is anticipated. That said, if you step back and look at the entire picture, it's a brief interruption, you can still enjoy spending time with your friends, it's just a short break. If you take care of yourself, you're happier and that influences your friends too, they became happier, that's something that your ex has no power over, self care and your happiness *) |