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Here's my story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299758.0

I have possible hope. I reached out to one of her friends. He's one of two of her best friends that she goes to for guidance. I told him what happened and he was shocked about it. He still hadn't heard about it. He is her oldest friend know her well. He believes my story. I'm incredibly happy that I finally have someone who might be able to help. He said she has done this before and that I should stick around. He only heard good things about me. He's going to try talking to her. He's been through her emotional turmoil and he doesn't want her to lose me. I don't have to worry about him. He is engaged and is on my side. I feel like I have a new chance. I'm going NC. I want her back and will exhaust every avenue until there is nothing left. I can give more detail later on. My whole story is in the link.

Hello, I've been following your thread From Perfect to Nothing closely. Have you read this (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-white-knight-syndrome/200905/rescuing-yourself-your-need-rescue-others)?

I just read your link and it does make sense. I love this woman. I know whats at stake and I need to also work on myself. I know the difficulties ahead. I have one of her best friends who's known her longer than anyone on my side a believes me. He doesn't want her to lose me. I'm waiting for him to text her and for him to have a conversation with her in person. He says he's gotten through with her in the past and that he understands my situation. I wouldn't still be in this situation if I didn't think we could have a future. I'm taking a gamble but I don't live with regrets. People with BPD deserve love too!

What is at stake?

That this can/could be a very bumpy road. I've come to terms with this... .

Her best friend is going to talk to her. I'm waiting right now. My nerves have been so bad that I'm getting stomach aches and getting nausea. I told him about I told her that I would be her fault if I hurt myself (I'm aware that, that was wrongt. Getting help). He said that this is her greatest fear. Remember she didn't break up with because of that. I said that after she broke up with me. He's said he's got her to come back to earth and become more rational. He said it might be tough since I said those words. If I didn't say those words my odd would be a lot better. I now wait for them to talk about me. I hope that he can trigger her to think positively about me. He said he only heard positive things. He said he can at least get me closure and possibly get her to talk to me. Wish me luck! I want her back... .

Do you think you could stand to become more rational about this?

Elaborate please?

It seems that you are clinging to any straw you can in the hope of "getting back" with a person who has severe BPD. Have you given any serious thought to how reasonable this is? What about if you succeed, and you end up back in a relationship with a person with an uncontrolled mental illness that destroys people close to her? What will that be like? Until you seriously engage with these questions, you are just living in a fantasy world.

I'm leaning back and forth on what I want to do. The fact she should leave me like I was nothing has been devastating. I want to move on with my life but I don't. I'm going to just not worry about it anymore and see what happens. Seems like in a lot of these cases they try and enter your life at some point when they're lacking attention. Hopefully I'll be strong enough to make a quality decision for myself.

This is important Willis.  Even if you are to reconcile she has already told you this will happen again and again.  This is a sad reality and one I don't think you have fully accepted.  Keep this forefront in your mind as you move forward from here.

I know nothing is 100% but if I can get her to agree to get help and receive the right treatment can there ever be a chance this could work. I mean if she wanted to get back with bad enough and agreed to start helping herself could things get better. I'm going with if things were to go smoothly and obviously that is unlikely.

Interesting enough someone messaged her yesterday and she thought it was me. She contacted my mother and asked if it was me. My mother told her it was me. She also told my ex that I'm really concerned about her. My ex replied and said okay. So the fact that she still has my moms number and contacted her to me is a sign that she might try and make communication at a later time. I'm happy she knows I still care about her. I hope she can remember that. I honestly think all this happened because I now know that she has BPD. My gut feeling is at some point communication will be made at some point. I'm not counting on it but I'm making an observation. At this point and time I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm trying to get stronger and take care of myself. It for me but also I need to be strong if she reenters my life in some shape or form

Did you consider the possibility that all this has nothing to do with you knowing she has BPD but rather it is about her inability and/or unwillingness to face/deal with it?  Certainly the latter seems more likely than the former given what she has told you.


What are you doing with respect to this?  Be specific please.   :)

This is that "clinging to any straw you can" I mentioned in my last post.

The part i dont get Willis is that your ex is running away from you or to put it bluntly she has asked that you not reach out to her or she will file a RO. Now you want her to reach out so you can give her an ultimatum which is get help or we cant be together. You guys are on two totally different pages. She doesnt want to talk to you for whatever her reasons are and you want to be with her but only if she gets help. By chance are you wanting to control her?

No not at all. I'm just saying if she comes back into myself she needs to get help. Signs are pointing she will try contact me some future points. I'm going to get professional help for my own issues to make myself stronger. Yes we are totally different ends of the spectrum but I'm saying if she comes back is what I'm saying

I will be moving to the next thread but I would like to get your guys' thoughts. My ex and I have no chance of ever getting back together. I had her friend talk to her and here are the things she said:

Bad news is it seems like she's pretty set on not taking you back... good news is that "once the dust settles" as she put it, she's gonna talk to you and give you some closure on the whole deal.

She has a few reasons... It looks like a lot of which are related to maturity problems...

She told me she tried to end it a couple times in the past and then she just reached threshold and cracked.

"I am not changing my mind, just getting more and more scared of him.
He didn't treat me like a person. He treated me like an object; an obsession; and addiction. The fact that all this time has passed, and he still won't go away, is SCARY.
I don't want him, I don't want his concerns, I don't want his love. I want him to disappear from my life. To let me go so I can be happy and no longer feel suffocated by his behavior."

"The letters were such a huge mistake, I wrote the letters as last ditch effort to make things work, despite how many concerns I was having. Then B, N and A. My closest friends beside you. All told me what they thought of him, and confirmed my worst fears. I had been telling myself for weeks that he had all these behaviors I didn't like, but that I was being judgmental and rude. But when my friends told me, when my dad told me, and A told me... .that they all didn't like him... .I couldn't do it anymore. I knew I had to end it. The timing was bad, But it was clear it needed to be done. I could be with someone when all of the most important people in my life thought they were bad news. Ya know? He annoyed B, A thought he was scary, my parents thought he was an idiot. It was just not good all around."

Based on everything I know she is lying about 95% of the things she is saying. Her mom never liked me. Her friend B asked me if I had any single friends. Like she was asking because my ex and I were doing good together. A liked me and said she was happy that my ex found some good. Btw she avoided the question about the letters. The letter were basically telling me to not give up on her and talked about a future together. That last ditch effort stuff is nonsense.

Can you guys give me your perspective. I'm done with the relationship but I just want to see what you guys read into her comments.

If she has BPD then her words don't matter. Essentially she is saying whatever comes to mind based on her current feelings. Next week her feelings may be different and she'll say completely different things.

There will be no answers. You will probably never know the "truth". Hard to accept  I know - but you need to accept that it was probably 99% about her and 1% about you.

Try to let it go.

Willis,

She clearly has some issues and her issues are hers to deal with.  That however does not remove you from being accountable for your own actions and mistakes made.  As hard as it might be for you to hear, I see some truth in the things she said.  You will gain nothing from this experience if you don't look at your own contributions to the failed relationship and learn something from them.

I agree with C.Stein.

There are a few things that you've posted that seem to correspond with the way she feels.

What truths. Please explain. I want to make myself better. Just want to see what you guys come up with. I'm know I'm not perfect and I know some of my actions after the break up were impulsive. I know I was during the relationship and how I became different after she broke up with me. I'll take all accountability but I want to see what you guys come up with.

I was obsessive after the break up because it made no sense. I couldn't stop myself from trying to fix things. I wasn't obsessive during the relationship. I mean sometime I talked about sex too much for example but over time I got better and corrected things. I did this through out the relationship. She would tell me something she didn't like that I did and I tried to correct it. She even told me she noticed I was make efforts.

It is very difficult to look at ourselves objectively.  Are you looking at yourself and your part in the relationship objectively here?

I'm really trying to! I know how I treated her. I treated her very well. It's the fact it was such a sudden break up that makes it hard for me figure out what I did. I know it mostly her. I honestly don't know what my side of the relationship did wrong besides the things I was continuesly working and she knew this

Just like most people on these boards you are most likely codependent. And if you are, you made the relationship to be all about her. Sometimes that's enough to make a relationship (especially with someone who has BPD) fall apart.

Can you look at the comments from the members to you in this thread and compare them to the comments that you posted that she said and see any similarities?

Hmm. I don't know about that. From years of reading here and critical examination of my own BPD r/ship, it seems to me that, at a level of gross generalization, co-dependency keeps such r/ships going (not saying healthy, but going), and lack thereof causes them to fall apart. Certainly that was true for me--we did best while I ultra-prioritized my ex's needs and reactions. When I became a more full partner with needs I was able and willing to express even when he really resented that etc., things fell apart.

I'm going to work on my co-dependency... .But... .

I'm leaving the boards. Might come back if I ever change my mind on her and she enters my life, but I have no plans to ever do that. I believe I need to stop giving her any power. I don't want to give any energy towards her. I have beliefs in energy. Less I put towards her the less she receives from me. She can feel nothing from me now. I'm getting off her grid. If I'm happy and enjoy my life I'm winning at life

Good Luck Everyone!

Actually, that is Exhibit 1 that you may not have an issue with co-dependency. Good luck, Willis.

You don't think I'm co-dependent? I hope thats true. Maybe one less thing I need to work on.

I have spent numerous weeks debating what I want to do. I've decide I do want her back if she comes back. I've had time to rehash everything. My ex did do something for me before everything went down. She knows herself very well. She warned me that this might happen and it would take time for things to cool down. She had the frame of mind to write me letters to help me during times like this. So I'm going to leave a place in my heart for her, but also continue to live my life and get myself better.

A thought I had yesterday was what would my ex's true self think of what her false self is doing to me. Her true self would horrified about how her false self has been treating me. I feel like since she has high awareness of her disorder and once her episode has come down to a certain point she will see what has really happened. I believe she will come back at some point. So far her letters and words have followed through.

I now know my reaching my reaching out for a month plus has made things worse and her engulfment fears are high. I now know that I have to do the hardest thing and just leave her alone and let her stabilize and feel abandoned. It makes me sick to think she will have to date some and be with someone to possibly realize that she made a mistake with me. I've done a lot of deliberating and understand the challenges that are ahead if things begin to work out for us.

Keep us updated Willis, I'm interested how everything will turn out for you.

Willis, I'm not sure if this will make any direct difference to how you are thinking about this, but -- your notion that the version of her whom you originally fell in love with is the "true self" and the defended, hostile version is the "false self" isn't how BPD is thought to work.

As I understand it, in the glowing early period before things get rocky, you feel like you're with someone incredibly open and vulnerable, and you trust you are getting their real self; but for the pwBPD, this closeness may actually be achieved by what feels to them like putting on a false self.  Whence all the little hints about "if you knew the real me, would you really still love me," and the intimation that the partner doesn't know the whole story.

So from the perspective of the pwBPD, the sweet wonderful side is not the "true self" but rather what it takes for them to get others to care for them.

The schema framework for how BPD works suggests that all these sides are in there and equally "real" aspects of the person; none is more "real."  But from the viewpoint of the pwBPD, there is enormous mistrust of their own presentation as loving loyal trusting vulnerable and open, as this is thought to be the price paid to attract another person.

I too have a strong intuitive sense of the core of my ex with BPD as being good; but it is so buried in the projection, denial and coping mechanisms, which, according to my ex, are "really" what he feels ... .it becomes pointless to long for that core part.

I think that this is where RADICAL ACCEPTANCE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0) comes in. There is no "real" or "false" per se. It's all the pwBPD. You have to accept both sides if you are going to accept the person into your life.

Before I start I want everyone to know I'm okay... .

I tried taking my life Saturday night. I'm doing fine and I understand it was a huge mistake. I sent out three text to my best friends and my ex. She called 911 and sent my parents the text I sent her. She tried calling me and sent me a text saying, "Please get help and take care of yourself. No one is worth your life. I hope you find happiness." I know in the grand scheme of things this is a low priority. I'm going to therapy starting sometime this week. I feel like I have made things incredibly worse. I believe she will never want me again

I can't imagine the pain you must feel to try such drastic steps.

PLEASE lean on your family and friends. Talk with them - openly and honestly. Let them help you through this all.

I am. I'm going to get help and let her go. I don't see her ever coming back but with BPD you never know. I'll update you guys if she does comeback someday.

I cannot convey how glad I am that you're alright!

Unfortunately, I can imagine that pain because I was there about a decade ago. I agree with your ex; no one is worth that. I also agree with AB, please lean on your friends and family or whoever is available in those times.

It will be incredibly difficult, but please try not to think about her and a future with her right now. You need to focus on you and your own well-being. Whether or not there is a future with her depends entirely on that because you must take care of yourself first.

Please keep us posted as to what is going on with you.

Will we see you in the detaching boards?

I'll be updating in here. Currently the ex said she wants me to leave here alone and she never wants to see me again. I know that you never know with BPD. I might go to the detaching board but would like to continue on this thread for now.

So glad you're okay, Willis. Please keep us updated on your progress. 

I'm doing really good now! I talked to another psychic, but this time I believe I found the real deal. He knew peoples names that are in my life and was able to say things about me that he couldn't know about. He told me my ex BPD doesn't want me right now, but doesn't want me to be with anyone else. That between Christmas and New Years she will make a weak attempt and contact me. Around Valentines Day she will try and get back with me. I'm taking this at face value, but looking at things I've read it will be 3 months in December since we've been broken up. That would mean she would be with this guy for 3 months and that's when ___ will start hitting the fan, because 3 months is usually when things go down hill with someone with BPD. I can totally see her switching from this silent treatment to putting on a full court press to try and get me back. With what the psychic said and what I've learned about BPD everything does line up. I've been mentally thinking how I would handle both possible encounters. I'm thinking about ignoring her in December. That will make her mad and that she has no more control over me. In February I will talk to her. I know things now about what happened. I will accept nothing but the truth else I'm hanging up on her. I know what exactly happened and she can't get away with her lies with me. I will make it very hard for her to reenter my life. I'm stronger than she thinks.

Have you looked into seeing a therapist? That might be very helpful for you. I know my therapist has helped me a lot.

I'm in the process of looking. Finding it hard at the moment to find someone.

Wow. Thought I was the only one who believed in psychics. Mine, always spot on. I followed every advise ever given. Best advice, do for your ex if you want and don't when you don't want. Never fight your feelings. I don't if I don't want to. Do when I do. Total freedom. My psychic is amazing. I respect him. Said I should get back with my ex and how it benefited both of us. Didn't listen. I'm fine, happy, and Free of confusions. My psychic new why I liked my ex. Was embarrassed when he told me but couldn't keep me hooked. Said my ex is Bipolar. I never said it first.
Glad you're doing good, W002.
Since you already know, you know what "not" to do.
Ex said she was looking for a new therapist. My psychic told me she mean new sexual partner. He was right.

Yeah the psychic told me she had her mom, best friend and her guy friend in her ear. It turned everything upside down. She is enjoying the single life right now and screwing her guy friend. He told that we can get back together but he said there's no promises this won't happen again. The fact there is people in her ear is causing all this to happen. She is scared to death of commitment and that I'm safe for her to come back. He told me that she will be pissed if I don't respond to her in December. In February he said she will try very hard to get back with me. She will try to insert herself into my relationship if I'm in one and he thinks I will be at this point. I could be very interesting if that were to happen. She is cold as ice right now, but seems like she will do whatever it takes to get me back.

My psychic is never that precise. Doesn't scare you or worry you to know she'll attempt to stop your life from moving forward while she screws around with whomever she wants?
Beyond selfishness I think.
Mine has a friend she screws for many years. Exchange pics and has group sex. Highly knowledgeable about motel beds. The guy is as she is. Is why he stays. Is why she does too.
Luckily my ex is mostly miles away in lala "land" all the time. Will not try that with me. I'm in a different place she doesn't suspect. Diligently did homework about me still don't know me without the blindfold.
My psychic said, the one she screws is insignificant to her but significant to hurt he who dares to care for her. He never gets close. Knowing what I know now and thinking back, both  screw each other and many others. My psychic said I'm lucky I didn't catch a new strain of STD. Both pathological, sleep around, whatnot He is married or was. She is forever single even when she's married. Gross. throw up.

I'm sorry to hear that! Yeah it's selfish and that ones with BPD. Right now she is being selfish and not caring about she did to me. Playing the victim role very well. When she does try to comeback I'm not going to back down. I know pretty much everything that has happened. I'm currently doing my thing and if she finds out oh well. And if she does I hope she get upset and jealous that I can move on be with some else. I do love my ex but she has done so much damage. When we talk I will not allow her to lie to me. I will say no try again because I know the situation very well now. All the puzzle pieces have fallen in line. I'm no saying I won't get back with her but she has many hurdles and hoops to go through to get back to my heart. I'm not naive anymore. I will be blunt with her and tell her this will happen again unless you get help and stop letting others make your decisions for you. All I know if I'm happy that will be a slap in the face she her. I can be happy without her.

What will you do if the things the psychic told you don't happen?

I'll do nothing. I'll check continue to persue other women. It's a win win for me.