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This seems to be the core of our relationship issues. Extreme lack of trust. Its gotten to a point I just don't know what to do. Her therapist says she needs to learn to trust and my therapist says I cant do anything if she doesn't trust me. She doesn't seem to be able to make herself trust me.

It seems like she just doesn't believe anything I say unless there is hard proof. It could be about anything but here is one particular thing that happened this morning. I left her a pretty sweet note this morning and spent extra time trying to make her feel loved before going to a meeting. When I left the meeting she texted me saying how thankful she was and that she loved me. I told her again how I love and appreciate her. She asked if I was still in the meeting and I said no Im just leaving now. Im heading back to the office now. According to the text time log she texted me 10 minutes later saying... .Wow that was fast. I was driving and listening to the radio so at that time I didn't see it right away that she texted me. about 10 minutes later I see that she texted me and I try to respond but my phone was locking up so I restarted. She knows I have been having that problem and she has seen it several times in person. I get to texting her back about 17 minutes after she says "wow that was fast" and I just told her "yeah I didn't need much time, it was a short meeting just 1 hour". She said... ."I texted you a long time ago babe". I said... ."really? I was driving and my phone was acting up so I had to restart. I just stopped at the gas station and that's when I texted you back". She then went on to say "please understand. I just want to know why it took you 20 minutes". I said "I was driving and listening to the radio. I didn't know you texted me and I texted back when I could". She said "I could still see you online and it worked. I don't understand why you couldn't text back".

At this point I feel like a criminal. Like I am being interrogated by the police. I have tried talking to her about this over and over but she cant seem to stop. She tells me that she needs these questions. She needs me to be understanding and answer them. I just don't feel like that can work. I cant force myself to be happy with this. It has caused so many problems in the past. She can go on for hours asking questions if she feels really insecure even if its something completely normal and innocent.

I ended up telling her that I understand how she feels and I know what she wants. She knows how I feel and she knows what I want. Unfortunately they are 2 opposite things. She says she cant just make herself trust and believe me. I know I cant continue to feel like this. I don't know how we can work this out. I don't know how we can compromise.

Yeah, it seems like lack of trust is just part of the BPD.  They seem to be incapable of trusting anyone, including themselves.  There's really nothing you can do to make her trust you as it's all in her head. 

The interrogations, on the other hand, are abusive, and you do not have to submit to them. 

I decided a couple of years ago to put a boundary around abusive interrogations, and now my uBPDw attempts them much less frequently.  When my uBPDw attempts to shift gears from having a conversation to starting an interrogation, I say something along the lines of "I have already answered your question completely, and I will not be interrogated about this", then refuse to answer any further interrogating questions.  Also, be prepared to leave the room if needed.

This behavior on her part is emotionally abusive. In spite of the fact you understand what is instigating this in her, the result of how she acts upon it is abusive.

Boundaries.

You need to cut back on the detailed explanations, it is setting a precedent and probably puts you into JADE too often.

"I responded as soon as I had a spare moment"... would be sufficient, doesn't matter if she finds that acceptable or not, it is your truth and reality. Details are distractions to be doubted

The way it is you will try to be even quicker next time, the goal posts will keep shifting. It is simply a method to exert domination so that you have no chance to put other considerations above hers. It is fueling immediate gratification, which can never be completely fulfilled.

Trust is build by not over explaining and then demonstrating nothing bad ever comes of it. ie results not explanations. Keep in mind pwBPD use words to make up excuses so yours carry no extra currency.

It is well known that too much information is often the first sights of a potential cover story.

Accept that she will never change.  Accept that she is going to have trust issues with you forever.  Accept that's just how her brain is wired.

Now ask yourself: Can you radically accept that and maintain a romantic relationship with her?

That's what I am trying to figure out. Can anyone? Right now I currently cant accept it. I have learned I can tolerate it for a while but when its back to back all day long or several days in a row I end up snapping.

Then this is where your energy should be spent: figuring out what keeps you in this relationship, what you want, what you're willing to endure.

If you want to spend energy trying to find ways to get her to change her tune, don't bother.  Venting about it is fine, but just recognize you're venting for the sake of getting your frustrations out.

The issue is you will find it hard to maintain respect for her. Your responses will end up being snippy and sarcastic until you are the aggressor and her questions will start to sound justified

How do you think you can't prevent this escalating?

THIS RIGHT HERE... .I have been aware about this from early on and have tried everything I can, techniques (so many great resources on this site), redirects, walking away if necessary. Now I help my adults kids try to also navigate the waters while working on their relationship with their mother.

At times I just find myself wanting to cry FOR her. Not for me, for her. The loss she is experiencing not only in our marriage, but her relationships with her kids and her ministry.
I think I've resolved this fact that she never will change and it is what it is. I have no more negative feelings against her and no anger. BUT THE LOSS OF RESPECT IS REAL... .It kills me that I feel this for my wife of 27 years. It kills me that I know she is sick and did not do this to herself and cannot help it. Still at some point I know she will reject me because of our new boundaries and the feelings of not having her needs met.

To those of you husbands/wife's that have been able to work through this and find a way to stay together WITHOUT losing respect or the ability to love the way your heart desires to love your mate... .I sincerely applaud your efforts and you inspire me!

I too just do not know how to love her and not lose respect for her or not be tormented knowing that my heart desires to love with abandon and trust and will just never be able to.

I might have mentioned this before around here, but I think it's ironic that my uBPDw has ZERO trust in me, even though I would never dream of cheating on her and have never so much as flirted with anyone else, while on the other hand, I know based on consistent experience that I cannot trust her to:

* ever give me or anyone else the benefit of the doubt in any situation;
* take what I or others say at face value instead of searching for a hidden insult;
* ever let me get comfortable that she's not about to have a BPD meltdown or escalate any minor disagreement into world war 3;
* be kind to our children;
* function as a wife and mother on a consistent basis instead of drinking to excess and/or laying in bed all day; or
* provide me with emotional support or physical intimacy when I need it.

But on the other hand, I'm really not worried that she would cheat on me (although I realize that's common with a lot of BPDs, it's just not something she would do).

Havent figured this out yet. I have talked to her a lot and asked her nicely to stop. I asked her to control the things she says but its not long before it comes out. She says she NEEDS this. She cant help it and just needs to express her fear of me doing all these things and she NEEDS me to reassure her over and over and over again that I wont do those things no matter how absurd. If I refuse to reassure her for my own sanity she assumes that I am indeed doing these things and goes into a depressed state. To her if I cared enough about her I would "fix" this by giving her all the evidence she needs.

Unfortunately the only way I can seem to keep things from escalating is to leave. Then that triggers the abandonment fears and that causes a separate but equally damaging issue. She was doing really well for a while and for some reason she has reverted back to being extremely insecure about everything. 2 nights ago we had a fight because according to her I spent too long in the bathroom. Ironically she spends 20 minutes several times a night in the bathroom but I spend 5 minutes and she worries about me talking to women.

The only thing I can think of is just refusing to respond to any extreme insecurity. It will be rough because I know she will get very cold and distant. She may talk a lot about it and I may have to leave several times. She may start to actually believe that I am doing all these things she worries about because I am not soothing her feelings. This could go on for days. I don't know if she will ever fully think it through and come back to me. I would have to keep my distance because in those days if I approach at all I will be blamed for the insecure feelings but also be put down for pushing her away in her insecure moments. Not sure if she would come back to me or not. not sure if that is the right approach. Im not sure if that would cause more damage and just hurt us both or if it would teach her to trust me. Who knows.

The problem with neediness is that it is a misnomer. We need oxygen, we need food.  However in the case of what is often called neediness it is actually excessive wanting. Satisfying this want cements it as a justifiable and achievable "need".

What is the worst thing that can happen when a persons wants are not met? Their life becomes uncomfortable or inconvenienced, it does not end. The only way someone who struggles with long term objectivity can realize this is by demonstration.

The fight or flight trigger in pwBPD means they will employ gamesmanship to get their wants met as they desperately believe them to be needs.

Trying to introduce the concept of replacing the words "want/would like" instead of "need" on less conflictual issues is a good start as it introduces the concept and starts to chip away at the established precedent. Suddenly throwing it in at the height of an argument is unlikely to go down well.

Often delaying a response works better than avoidance per se, and clearly stating you will respond in due time after you have given her concerns fully. This is delaying gratification Rather than perceived abandonment. It also avoids the reactive escalations which rapidly get out of context, and thereby impossible to resolve.

Often the need to vent an emotion is more important than the response, though the "venter" wont know this at the time. A rapid response often doesn't allow the initial emotion time to settle, or soothe, so it just rolls over to the next thing that enters their head.