BPDFamily.com

Hi.   New at this.  Went to therapist recently regarding my realtionship with significant other/husband who has emotional issues.  Therapist introduced me  to BPD and have read some books on the topic.  Hard to deal with person on a daily basis who seems to have more occasions to rage at me and blame me for  what I feel are minor things like not enough butter on his grilled cheese.   I hear that these outbursts are not personal, but after awhile it becomes difficult.  When I try to leave for few minutes to leave situation, I aggravate this person for appearing to not care. 
So, any thoughts?
Thanks.

Hi Djma,

Welcome and hello  :)

Dealing with someone who rages is pretty tough. Not taking those rages personally is not an easy thing to do. People with BPD tend to want their partner to be strong, meanwhile taking actions to weaken the person they love, so it can really mess with our minds to stay strong while giving them what they want at the same time.

Many of us had to take a crash course in validation skills. Is that something you came across in your books?

When he gets mad at you for minor things, how do you usually respond? Maybe we can help learn with you what works with his particular struggles.

HI Djma - I have lived for years with the rages and being blamed for everything.  I stopped engaging with him completely when the rages would start.  It was really hard and took a long time, but eventually the rages subsided.  They still happen but not as often as they used to.

He has called me a cold hearted B**** - and other horrible names when I would leave the situation, said I didn't love him etc.  He said he would find someone else who would love and care for him.  I feel like I have heard it all. 

It is SO difficult to not take it personally.  But it truly isn't about you or your actions or your feelings.   It really has nothing to do with you at all.  It took me a very long time for that to sink in - for me to really understand that I have nothing to do with the outburst.  Good luck and know you are not alone.  Read as much as you can here, I found it to be a lifesaver.

I try to distance myself from the rages.  Sometimes I say, okay, alright, but that doesn't seem to be the appropriate response and gets nowhere.  I am at the point where I don't apologize anymore.  I am trying to let it sink in that it's not personal, but the rages are sometimes intense and when BPD persons gets angry at the pets I feel I have to step in and keep them safe.Often its just talk, but I don't want to take the chance of any physical harm coming to the dogs/cat.

Thanks for the replies today.

Djma *)

Often, the feelings about minor things are sitting on top of towers of those same feelings. People with BPD tend to struggle to resolve griefs and negative feelings, so they bank up and every small thing is relived as though it were the original hurt, times a thousand.

He desperately wants someone who will fulfill this merger fantasy with him, which is simply not realistic. Feeling the separation, he rages at you out out of fear (and desire) to individuate. Not enough butter on his grilled cheese is about feeling unloved, unworthy.

Sometimes you can soothe the emotional arousal by acknowledging the feelings. This is validation.

Chances are, he has felt his feelings were wrong. Or no one acknowledged them. He has built a shaky sense of self around this deficit, and we see the expression of rage that is felt in response, when that shaky self is poked.