BPDFamily.com

Background: uBPDbm has 3 kids and was never married. D13 is being raised by the grandparents in another state and has a different father (BD#1 baby daddy #1) who is always on again/off again with uBPDbm. Then there's SD11 (DH is baby daddy #2). Then a third that was given up for adoption.

BD#1 got married last year. His new wife (W) reached out to me a few months later after a big blow up incident with uBPDbm. We have been friends and texting since. W knows a lot about our custody case (currently 50/50 but pursuing primary pending the results of a CE) and I often talk to her about uBPDbm's behaviors.

W and BD#1 separated a few months ago (are still legally married) and BD#1 moved in with uBPDbm and SD11 and their male roommate. He pays most of uBPDbm's rent. BD#1 has a verbal agreement with W to continue to make her car payments. Well, he is a few months behind on the car payment so he said to W "just write yourself a check" from his account, and W signed his name (she had done this multiple times in the past to pay bills when they were still living together).

uBPDbm found out about the check and flipped her lid. She is claiming fraud and called the police to take a statement. W is getting very nervous and anxious.

Yesterday W gets a call from BD#1 and uBPDbm. They are demanding that W tell them everything I've said, give them all our text conversations, and write a letter that uBPDbm is a good mom. uBPDbm said "Those people are turning my daughter against me, I'm a good mom". W is supposed to meet with them tomorrow. If W does not follow through with "helping" uBPDbm against us, then they are threatening to press charges about the check. W went to the police to tell her side of the story and ask what to do about the blackmailing.

So I'm wondering... .

What is your take on the check thing? Blowing smoke, or is there cause for concern? Personally, I think that if BD#1 goes to press charges the police are going to say to BD#1 "go figure it out in divorce court".

What should we do about the blackmailing? DH and I are ok with W giving them any and all information. We've got nothing to hide. At this point we kind of want to give W a bunch of fake negative information to give to uBPDbm so she'll make her ten thousandth false claim against us. We aren't supposed to be giving the CE any new information, but I have asked W to please document anything and everything that is said plus send us any police reports. We might be able to use them later in court.

Whoo.

Can BD#1 and uBPDm be recorded? What they are doing sounds like extortion to W.

If I were in W's shoes (knowing what I know now), I would consult with an L to find out if anything they are accusing her of doing is founded.

And then refuse to comply with any of their demands.

She is being bullied. Giving in just means more of the same at some point.

I just got an update from W. She went and spoke with the police. She got BD#1 on the phone (with the cop listening) saying yes I've always let you sign my checks and yes I told you to sign this time. So the officer told W if he goes down there to press charges, she will arrest him for filing a false police report. This set W's mind at ease. She doesn't plan to return the funds (the cop basically said there is no need to, have him figure it out in divorce court) but this is going to set uBPDbm off. uBPDbm was threatening to kick BD#1 out if things don't go her way, the cop said to W "How is this your problem?".

W asked the officer what to do about the blackmail/bullying. The officer said meet with them and refuse to provide any written/printed evidence. Instead tell uBPDbm to have CPS call her directly. Then W can say whatever she wants to CPS because it's confidential. I don't know if W is still planning to meet or not, I told her it's ok by us if she goes and she can say whatever she likes (we have nothing to hide  :)  .

In our state you need permission to record phone conversations or things said in private but you can record conversations in a public place (where there is a reasonable change of someone overhearing you anyway). I told W if she does meet with uBPDbm to definitely protect herself against future accusations by recording the conversation and having a witness there (even just secretly watching from another table). She plans to have an officer as a witness.

It's sounding to me like CPS spoke with uBPDbm and they are mandating services after her last accusation against us (medical neglect) and that is why she is triggered/freaking out.

The officer was correct... .don't let other people make their problems your problems.  Here's an example of how I discovered that perspective.


Although it can be hard at first, one simple word can say it all.  "No."  A person doesn't have to explain himself or herself.  (Trying to explain to or reason with people who aren't listening and/or aren't reasonable is a fool's errand, so to speak.)

Also, although the wife may not have been a signer to the checking account, I doubt a spouse can have the other spouse arrested for outright fraud.  After all, he must have been paying the bills previously.  Also, she wasn't hiding the money or misusing it.  If need be she could probably counter that prior checks ought to be reviewed where she had done the same and he had never objected before.  If the claim doesn't go away then maybe a lawyer in your state can confirm whether that's so.  I would think that any action to address it belongs in divorce court.  Very smart of her to have the officer listen to her discussion with her estranged spouse.  He's an officer of the court and as such he is trusted to be neutral, objective and trained to be believed by other authorities, barring proof to the contrary.  When he writes up the report he can state he heard the conversation.