BPDFamily.com

I dated a woman for about 4 months (long distance).  There was of course a connection as others have posted.  And there were as well "signs"...
She had been open to me about 1. being married, 2. having an eating disorder.

The married thing was explained as he was much older and they weren't together and hadn't been for quite some time.  I had no reason to believe differently.

We spoke all the time, and although we were on opposite sides of the country we actually were able to see each other about 2x a month.

Early on we planned a trip to Europe to celebrate her bday.  I was so touched how much she wanted to share and show me...

By day 4 their she began to rage at me because I had shared with her some of my insecurities. 
She was relentless in her anger and said the most vile things... also said she was leaving... .That I was a big girl and I'd figure it out (ie how to navigate in europe as she had made most of the arrangements etc).

She didn't leave then but eventually she did. and theres so much more - she became suicidal, she self injured, she went out and i think tried to flirt with some guys and came back to the hotel saying she had punched and kicked one and then came back to the hotel raving...

eventually she did leave after raging at me a few more times days later...

I know this isn't good for me and during all of it I didn't take it personally but I think I was shutdown with just the overall craziness of it.

I've been back now to the states for about 1 week.  I haven't heard from her except for one post on FB calling me a jerk and updating her profile with a pic of her and some new guy... Which she has also taken down both...

She in the public... .and actually quite successful.

So here is where I sit... Although I know this is for the best, I KNOW I should be glad she's out of my life... .I still crave to hear from her... I don't want to be with her but I feel discarded... .
This causes me great pain... .
I want to know if she thinks of me - if she hurts...
I want to know what was true - all the words and actions of love or the crazy vile insults she hurled my way...
I know I won't get these answers but it doesn't stop me wanting them.

and now for the last two days - she's in my dreams...
I wake up feeling traumatized all over again... .a pit in my stomach that just aches...
I am seeking a therapist.
I also know I do have to grieve... .I still have the image of her raging - eyes black and screaming...
I miss her holding me... she quickly "found" that need in me... something I had wanted for a very long time and she was excellent at it... - tender, loving... and told me she loved that most of all.

Theres a part of me that just wants someone to come and take this pain away... .I am having a hard time focusing at work, my energy level is low etc...

Before her I had been doing great... .I was single had been for about a year... was doing well at work, making friends in a new state, swimming and generally feeling really good about myself... .

When we began it seemed as if it was a "reward" as if it was meant to be- I feel tricked, duped... and I really don't want to carry mistrust with me... .  I want to be open, loving and receptive, not suspicious and guarded...

and I still want to hear from her... .even if its a rage... .just to know she actually cared, that I actually mattered...   (that's what i want to go away... )

Hi Brahmin,

and *welcome*


It might be helpful for you to know that one of the "themes" of this disorder (BPD) is abandonment.  What you are experiencing is the aftermath of abandonment.  For four months you became intimately connected to this woman. And at what might have otherwise had been the high point of a personally rewarding and emotionally fulfilling relationship, you were utterly devalued and discarded.

I'll try to explain how later, but what you are feeling right now, is something that she (and other people with BPD) deals with maybe on a daily basis when it comes to intimate relationships. So I doubt she can even begin to see things from your perspective because from her perspective, you have caused her a similar hurt (even though you actively did nothing of the sort).

My understanding of this disorder is that for people with BPD (pwBPD) feelings of intimacy and familiarity, trigger in them intense feelings of abandonment (or betrayal or denigration).  The source of these feelings may have something to do with an early childhood trauma experience (real or imagined) associated with abandonment. But as adults, for pwBPD, whenever they are engaged in a relationship that begins to develop intimate and familial feelings, they also begin to feel as though they will be abandoned by the connected person.


This is perhaps why being married, she sought other relationships.

This is why in a long distance relationship she was able to connect with you so deeply.  Having this physical distance kept her disordered feelings more limited.  And maybe for a time, she truly believed that your relationship would be the one relationship that does not end poorly for her. Unfortunately for her, her issues have more to do with her psychology than her choice in partners.


It wasn't until she experienced a period where she interacted with you in a more sustained manner and on an occasion of strong familial significance (her birthday) that her disordered feelings overwhelmed her.  I don't know if this helps you understand what she specifically raged over, but I would expect her to feel as though you were or had been planning to leave her (imagined abandonment).  And the best way for her to avoid being abandoned, was to abandon you first by being with someone else.




It is perfectly understandable that this experience was so upsetting that you have yet to fully process it all.



It is only in the context of intimate and familial relationships, that their disordered behaviors present.  So as far as everyone else can tell, they can be quite capable and functional.


I think you need to decide whether or not you are willing to re-engage with this woman.  Because there is always the chance that she may re-approach you; this being the case, you might find help in the "Improving a Relationship... ." forum.

Then again, she may also choose not to re-approach you, or you may decide not to re-engage with her -- in which case you might find better support in the ":)etaching... ." forum.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing