BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone,

I'm sitting here, looking at the flashing cursor, wondering where to begin.
3 years into what I thought was a great relationship. 
I'm 60 and working, with 5 kids from a previous marriage, the youngest is 19 and in college,
and I have been sober for 8+ years.
She's 41 with a 12 yr old daughter from a previous marriage, supported by her
parents. I only recently met her father. Her mother and stepfather I get along with well.
She has had legal problems stemming from a period of drug abuse several
years ago and is on probation.
She had been in and out of recovery several times, but was sober for 3 years when we met.
She relapsed in April, but kept it hidden from me until August. She decided to get help,
has been sober since then as best I can tell and has gone back to school two nights a week.   
About a month ago she told me she is pregnant.
I didn't jump for joy and expressed my disappointment and
fear that our relationship would change in a way I would not be happy with.
I accepted my part in it and her right to choose, but at my age and still paying child support
I didn't want more kids and was looking forward to a different future with her.
God laughed.
She cried and said "No matter what anyone says or how they feel I'm having this baby!"
Since then, she has gone from absolute hatred of me with many "never-want-to-see-me-again" statements to pleading with me to move in with her, to saying she's moving 3 hours away, to looking for someone to move in with her for help with sharing expenses since her father is cutting her off. "It could be a man, it could be a woman, I don't care." I won't move in under these circumstances. I can see the economic benefit, but I'm fearful of the outcome.
Supporting the child, which is probably mine, is what I intend to do. I say "probably" as I reflect on her
behavior during the relapse, but I'm not capable of taking her off her parent's hands with the immediacy that she is
pushing for. I feel that doing so just because she is choosing to have a baby is a terrible reason. I feel half responsible. I feel angry because it's been all about her since she made the announcement. I feel run over by her choices. 
She asked me to spend the day with her daughter this Saturday so she can attend something for school. I don't want to enable, nor be a doormat. She's made a choice I don't agree with and dismissed how I feel about it, but wants me to help her.
I'm struggling with "the next right thing".

Hi Hampton,

Welcome to BPD Family. It's a great community that can offer you a lot support.

Thanks for sharing your story. I don't think there's any easy answer to your situation.

I appreciate that her decision has major consequences for you which are difficult to accept but as you've already recognised continuing with this pregnancy is ultimately her choice.

I realise that she has a history with of drug abuse and given all the circumstances it's not surprising that she feels vulnerable right now. I understand that you may feel angry and manipulated but barring some medical complication you are going to be co-parenting with her.

How do you envision that working?

Reforming

You need to determine whether or not the child is yours before you take any responsibility.  Once you assume any responsibility, the court system will hold you responsible as the father, even if later tests prove otherwise.