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I know everything wasn't all my fault no matter what my exbdgf said that I drove her to seek comfort elsewhere. I know I can't 'make' people do anything. Knowing she is ill, I can't help but feel guilt for what others do to me as consequence of say a mistake I did to them FIRST. I know nobodys perfect... I just have trouble at times dealing with guilt particularly.
I had a thought yesterday of reaching out and apologising to my ex for what I know triggered her abandonment fears and desperately find another attachment but I know that acknowledging or apologising for what I did again won't solve anything. I already caused tremendous pain. She recycled me once but its easier now for her to see me as bad and a 'player'. Friend reminded me yesterday is just going to make things worse and assuage my guilt. What she described as just one more thing to use against me and that shell probably feel smug about it. Forgiving myself for hurting her too is most difficult for me. I feel as I made her symptoms worse and left her damaged the most.
She might just be numb to it now.

C1,

Own what is yours to own, nothing more, nothing less.  

I also feel guilt, not as much now as in the past.  I am certain my ex has blamed me for her actions, that I drove her to infidelity.  I however am not responsible for her lack of integrity or her choices.  She chose to turn her back on me, to go to another man.  She owns that choice, disorder or not!

I have apologized to my ex in person and via email on numerous occasions for my part.  :)id it do any good?  NO!

She did not acknowledge it and when I apologized in person she actually told me to stop apologizing.  The reason for this is because I think my apologies resulted in her feeling guilt and shame.  

I think the best you can do now is apologize to yourself ... .forgive yourself.  Whatever you are hoping to get from her by apologizing will most likely never happen.

Hey curiously1, Suggest you decline to apologize.  Usually people who say "sorry" a lot have low self-worth.  You are valid and worthy just the way you are, and need not apologize for being who you are.  Instead, suggest you strive for authenticity.  Be yourself.  You don't have anything to apologize for.

Like you, I spent a lot of time apologizing in my marriage to a pwBPD, which was a reflection of my own low self-esteem as well as a reaction to her frequent rages and angry outbursts, which I assumed were my fault.  Her rage, I came to see, wasn't my fault, but rather was something intrinsic to BPD.

LuckyJim

Lucky Jim,

Thanks for the above. Your comment has caused me to look at my own self-esteem level and understand how that played into my relationship with ex-gf. Good stuff to analyze today.

I know I cannot get closure from my ex. I have been feeling mostly at peace with things but is just that impulse again to want to apologise when I have thought about how I had affected her and she had to take desperate measures to soothe her pain as a BPD. Her pain is my pain which I know is oh so codependent of me and there was plenty I could have done better to not make life worse for her. There were times I did not handle myself well and wished I left her at a better place or more likely to improve, I don't know instead of becoming somewhat of an enabler in the end. But you're right, in the past when I had apologised it normally made things worse because she only wanted "positive interactions" and "positive feelings" from me and nothing less.

Feeling like I had a lot of influence and power at least at the beginning made me feel like I could support her getting help. When we were dating 1 month in and I had my self-doubts about her I remember her telling me that we should try couples counselling and there is no need to just break up. Of course then I was 100% perfect in her eyes and she had more ability to reflect and own her own issues? I wish I was the one who was able to support her the best. That didn't happen. She didn't follow through with it once everything seemed fine. I just remembered that one time she looked as though she really really felt she needed to change. Perhaps it was just a matter of keeping me and sounding convincing. I was very flattered by how much she wanted to be with me and that she would do anything to save our relationship and that probably reflected some low-self esteem and liking someone desperately wanting me in a way.

Curiously have you ever felt that someone elses pain was your pain? I ask because i believe i am an empath and find myself taking on the pain of others since a kid.

Yes I know that the pain she felt was so extreme for her to do the things she did and I know she loved me. I just wish I did not trigger that because I feel as if I am feeling this self annihilation feeling too if she weren't to find what it is she is looking for. (Which is really something she can only get from herself). I'm feeling very sensitive to the way that I affect others. I never wanted to be just another part of their excruciating pain. I wanted to be a part of her healing.

I also have some photos of her I wanted to post back to her. Also gave me the idea of writing something short and was deciding whether any of this was a good idea. I am also glad she has not reached out so far as it has definitely helped with dettaching. Friend of mine said to just burn the photos but I have trouble doing so.

How someone chooses to deal with a stressful situation is their own choice and reflects their character.  We have a choice.  I have a choice.  If a man I am with is doing things that make me feel unloved, I have many choices. One of them being choosing to cheat. Another could be choosing to end the relationship.  You CANNOT put that on you.  Someone who chooses to cheat, in my mind, is a whimp.  Too scared to put all eggs into one basket and love unconditionally and be vulnerable.  Cheating is an easy way out of a difficult situation.  

No matter what mistakes you made or what you feel you did to her... .she had a choice on how to respond/react to it.  Please hold her 100% accountable for her choice.  If we start making excuses for behaviors like that, where does it end?  

You feeling like you deserved that treatment, now that is a great place for you to start your work on yourself.  

Of course you can apologize for anything you feel bad about BUT that does not make what she did ok. PERIOD  Being able to understand her frame of mind when she did it is one thing but excusing the behavior is another.  Or blaming yourself because of what you did FIRST.

When I was married years ago, my husband (nonBPD) and I were going through some difficult times and were planning to separate.  We had a heart to heart where he thought it would be good to clear the air and possibly start fresh by confessing that he had cheated on me during the marriage multiple times which he knew I had suspected but was never able to prove.  I stood in ah, hurt and lashed out, "oh well wanna guess how many times I cheated on you? "  He hesitated but said how many? (weird but I guess he was hoping that it would lead to a fresh start) .  I said ZERO... .you hear me, I never cheated on you... .NEVER I was completely faithful the full 10 years.  And I'm glad I didn't because I value marriage and it would have destroyed my soul and character to stoop to your level.  I am proud to be able to say I NEVER cheated during my marriage.  I stayed faithful for me because it was a reflection of who I am even though he "deserved it".

Maybe write out your regrets, apologies and as others have suggested... .forgive yourself.  See if that makes you feel better about moving on and being happy.

Bunny

@bunny4523

I am sorry to hear what he did to you. Nobody deserves to be cheated on and you stayed faithful that whole time.
My ex told me I cheated, however I truly believe that is not the case. It is in her mind though. At that time I wasn't happy with her and asked her permission to open the relationship and see other people. That was discussed to her and she said yes to me. Once she heard it actually happened is where I triggered her abandonment fears. She thought I was joking. I felt like I emotionally cheated but thats my own thing, she knew and she agreed to it but it was still awful of me knowing how much she loved me. We ended up back to being monogamous seeing how much it affected her and almost losing her and quit having it open. However, by then she was already resentful and all that, could not forgive me felt justified in cheating behind my back I think is what I can only imagine is multiple times with her new friend and triangulating us. She had fun with that actually. I don't believe it was just one time as she kept the friend and called me abusive for asking her to let go of the friend and going back to where we were. She could not let go of someone I felt uncomfortable with and it was reasonable too since their friendship got too close. Once she dumped me she got with the friend for a month then came back to me telling me it didn't feel right. However she still kept the friend when she got back with me and she would not let go.

Overall I was not 100% satisfied with my relationship with her and a part of me knew it from the beginning. I did not want to leave her because it felt like she was a child clinging onto my leg and she made it very clear to me that she does not handle herself well on her own. Back then I should have not seen that as my responsibility, however overtime I did grow to love her and little did I know I also started to feel like that child clinging onto her leg too. If I knew how to end things, all of this would not have happened and I would not have got further attached to  someone I knew wasn't right for me or could fully depend on emotionally too, and could not have uncomfortable adult discussions with. I stayed justifying that nobody is perfect anyway and listing all the things that I did like about her and how much she tried and admiring how much she at least coped with a family who compeletely turned their back on her. I saw some strength in her. All this time I had been searching for someone that ticked all my boxes and continued on to be disappointed so I guess I was caught in my most vulnerable time where I believed well, just do the best with what you get and who wants to love you because whoever I want probably is not a real person. You are right that I should not excuse and disregard the pain she had given me too for the choices she chose to make. There is no need for me to handle/carry the weight of everything just because I think I am the most sound-minded 'normal' one. It's sort of like this, you wouldn't blame a child and she basically acted like one. But she isn't a child anymore, no matter how incapable she appears/makes herself out to be and shoves all the responsibility onto me. A bit weird, I know but I shouldn't have treated her like a helpless child but I kept justifying that well, not everyones relationship looks 100% equal etc. etc. and work within your own capabilities and accept hers (which is that she said she is incapable of soo much). It's interesting how this is brought up over again. I thought I've reflected over every detail of what had happened and yet some themes/issues are brought to the surface to be reexamined again. I guess the hardest part for me is to quit reflecting on the past that can no longer be changed and feeling sorry for all the pain I caused first too.

You are doing a great job of sorting through it.  In this last post you seem alot stronger and aware.  That is good, keep moving forward with that.  Sometimes when we know we aren't happy but we stay in a relationship to not hurt the other person... .we end up more angry when it ends.  Kind of like cause "we knew better", why didn't we follow our gut?  I know I had anger at myself for not trusting my gut and for a second I thought, "this is what I get for not following my gut."  I beat myself up for a bit and felt guilt for putting my son through it.  BUT I did it for all the right reasons and with good intentions.  I believed what my BPD ex said to me, I believed he loved me and when he asked me to marry him, I believed we would be together for the rest of our lives.  Why would I feel guilty about "believing" in him?  That's what you do when you love someone right?  Now once his actions started changing and the rages came then I was able to see his behavior as abuse and I got out of it.
So I got myself into it (guilt) but I also got myself out of it (should be a proud moment)  As I'm sure you can guess, I focused more on the guilt... .which probably slowed down my healing process.

This is not easy to get through... .hang in there.  Focusing on what you can control like your own actions will eventually help the thoughts to change in your head and the feelings in your heart.

Bunny

I think I have resolved this a lot better in my mind now after some time thinking about it again.  :thought:
I felt like I caused her to get worse etc. etc. But we are only responsible for our own actions and feelings in the end and it was only her belief that people cause her to do such things. As much power as she has to cause destruction, she also has the power to change and go get the help she needs if really wants it for herself.
She was already this way before I met her and she is continuing to be this way and everybody has their own choices to make for themselves. So it actually made no much difference if this issue happened or not. It's how she handles everything that is less desirable for her.
I just realised that everybody hurts the ones they love from time to time and nobody is perfect and it is to be expected when in a relationship with someone. It's normal.
I can't continue to blame myself for every little mistake I made just cos I believe I am the more self-aware one or the one that can truly understand the reality of things in comparison to her. If she got better, then yes she would be able to understand that making mistakes or sometimes not getting what she wants her way all the time is a normal part of being in a relationship... I am not perfect either and it would be impossible to never ever upset her. Actually, it was pretty unrealistic of me to treat myself in a way that I feel solely responsible for somebody elses feelings and actions. It's just not possible and would have continued to drive me insane.
Maybe I just wished she could be happy too and not be hard on myself just because we weren't good together or could make it work together because of the potential I saw in her to be better.
All sorted now , I think, thank goodness. I should be guilt free now! It's not my fault what happens in her life now and in future. I am no longer a part of her life. Again, very unrealistic of me to have felt this was my responsibility too and caused her to be more F'd up. Its just not true.