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Hi ! Just wondering... has anyone seen a sign of shame or remorse from their ex BPD/NPD? I confronted mine, abt his nasty and cruel behavior, while going NC for 5 mos, blocking him. We never had proper closure... which I was seeking... . While he did respond to my email... ( surprisingly) . He would not face me in person.
Could this be do to shame at all, or is this the usual " status quo"?
Thanks Aldactone

Laurielynn,

BPD is a shame oriented illness, and it's their emotional inability to deal with that shame that exacerbates their deregulations.  Proper closure is rarely if at all gained from communicating with your pwBPD, as they are mostly incapable of accepting blame. 

We are sorry you are having to deal with these issues, and we fully empathize.  The status quo is... .we as the non's... .have to find our own closure, and expecting that from our BPD's... .will lead us to more emotional pain and turmoil. 

Do you see any ways you may be able to gain your own closure? 
How have you been over these 5 months of NC?
How are you feeling about yourself now?

You have plenty of understanding support here, we look forward to you sharing more.   

So much shame,  shame that was ultimately unbearable for him as he felt he was always letting me down.  It got worse and worse until he left convinced he was doing the right thing for me.  My feelings didn't come into it all and there was nothing I could do to reassure him.  Just because he feels this way hasn't made the rejection any easier for me.  Closure is a prety difficult concept for pwBPD unfortunately.  Try to take care of youself.  Like Drained says there is plenty of support here.

Hi LL
There were times when my ex said sorry. There were times when I saw and felt his shame and guilt not many but it was there. Unfortunately this made me hope that we could make it work and why I constantly went back. However, it didn't improve or change his treatment of me, it didn't last, because it couldn't.
Paradoxically the times when his guilt and shame got so bad he dysregulated to such a degree it resulted in vile texts and emails, disgusting hurtful stuff that brought me to my knees, that was the thing that helped me maintain NC. Showed me that there would be no change, ever. It hurt but I kept them to read when I felt I would put up with the bad just to be with him again.
Then something happened. His last email to me was so incredibly vile, it sort of flipped a switch in my head, as C Stein said to me, my heart caught up with my head. Enough was enough. I have come out of the darkness I inhabited.
Lots of love from Sadly.   x

LL,

I have not seen any sign of guilt, remorse or shame since I was introduced to the trash can.  The last time I saw her she couldn't even acknowledge we had a relationship or that she ever had any feelings for me at all.  I think back on that painful memory and I can see how she was actively not allowing herself to "feel" anything, or at the very least not show it.  She was like a piece of coal, at one time alive with "love" and passion, now cold, dark and empty.  To this day she has not even once acknowledged our relationship or that she ever felt anything for me.  By all appearances I have been deleted, as promised.

I don't believe she will ever contact me again and most certainly not in person.  The shame and guilt is simply too much for her.  What she sees in me now is everything she hates and despises about herself, and for that reason alone she will never face me again.   She hates me, not because of who I am but because of what I have come to represent.  

I like what you said C. Stein

It's their self lothing that they project onto us. My ex was so competitive about everything, couldn't stand my success and she just knew she didn't have the skills to function as a partner in a relationship or even care for our child properly.

Her current bf is willing to live with her dysfunction, good for both of them. They support each other's delusions.

Well said stein.

What you said C. Stein! My uBPDex did the same to me, and the same to her prior 2 ex-husbands.  She never once accepted responsibility for her actions in our relationship, at least not except for those fleeting moments of lucidity.  Which as Sadly so aptly pointed out, was exactly what kept me hanging in there and exactly what brought me back to the r/s after numerous breakups.  Because I'd become so enmeshed, I blatantly and willfully ignored the fact that days or even hours after she would accept some responsibility, tell me how much I must really love her to put up with her actions, tell me how she knew she had issues that needed to be dealt with - she would look me directly in the face and tell me that everything was my fault and that I was the one that needed help.  That's no exaggeration at all.  And that's how it was when things ended 2 months ago, and I presume that I've also been deleted - or as she would tell me, "I'm dead to her" - in her mind.  Funny enough, this is PRECISELY what she did to her 2 ex-husbands as well.  She never one time accepted any responsibility for the demise of those relationships, not a single thing she had done wrong.  Instead, both those men were "cheaters" and "abusers" and she was totally innocent of any wrongdoing.  Like C. Stein's exBPD, I don't think mine will ever contact me again for the same exact reason - I've become in her mind everything she hates about herself.

Hey Laurielynn, Signs of remorse would require the pwBPD to take responsibility for his/her actions, which rarely if ever happens because that would cause the pwBPD to judge him/herself harshly according to their black and white thinking, which would be unbearable, so it never happens (or almost never).  Instead, they project blame outwards, usually on the closest person: the spouse or SO.  That way, it's off their plate and onto yours, if you're willing to accept it (most of us Nons do this quite well).

LuckyJim

I think it differs with each BPD person . Mine didn't care what she did . She projected everything on me and made it look like I ran after her and the downfall of the relationship was all me. She showed no guilt, remorse, nothing! After she threw me away she happily went on with her life.

Hi ! Just wondering... has anyone seen a sign of shame or remorse from their ex BPD/NPD? I confronted mine, abt his nasty and cruel behavior, while going NC for 5 mos, blocking him. We never had proper closure... which I was seeking... . While he did respond to my email... ( surprisingly) . He would not face me in person.
Could this be do to shame at all, or is this the usual " status quo"?
Thanks LL
[/quote]
Pls allow me to answer in this manner. Briefly as possible.
I met a quiet, soft spoken, sort of shy woman. Didn't appear to have much common sense. but I found her nieve, intelligent (in conversation) nature  compelling. I wanted to know more. While she was saying she had a "feeling" we were meant to be (only after 2weeks of knowing me) I was thinking wow what would make her not be afraid to express that this early? not even a month after breaking up with someone else. That is, if the poor guy even knew that were broken up.
Her story? HS. I was so interesting& intelligent she loved my thoughts.  She wanted to watch me cook. Claimed she wasn't too much of a cook & only cooked fried foods. Claimed not to be domesticated. Said the only thing she knew how to do was make money (that is true). People took advantage of her since HS. According to her stories, friends, Lovers, family, and all. I just knew I wasn't. But I didn't know I was being set up to  feel like I was gonna save her from that. I'm now in protecting/protective mode but don't know yet. I wonder wth am I getting into. I even asked if she intended on stealing my brain. She was strange, making odd statements but I didn't care I was going to teach her what I knew in exchange for her feed me more of those unusual but fascinating ideas of hers.  (THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!)
About 4 months in I learned some things. She cooks like a chef. She cleans very well when she wants to and makes lots of money. Plays the victim to get money out of her exs. Never ever tried it with me until after the break up. In general, she has way more common sense than my stupid ass. However what she lacks is self/emotional control.
One day she was finally acknowledge by someone else, lied to me for a few weeks about it, then started to be EXTREMELY occupied with family stuff she could not find time to see me (but still looved me) then suddenly it became imperative she made frequent (every other weekend) visits  out of town. Then one day just STOPPED making excuses and STOPPED communicating with me all together.  All I could think is when "we" started dating w/o knowledge I was part of her doing the same thing to someone else.  Never apologized. Never admitted to moving on. Never ever took responsibility for anything.  I'm the one to blame for everything.
The guilt to me is as pretentious as the love she says she had for me. The answer is no. They don't feel feelings. Guilt is just that.