BPDFamily.com

My partner was recently diagnosed with BPD following a near attempt on her life... .I was honestly not surprised to find this out but was rather relieved because the I could know what she was up against and try my best to support her. Unfortunately, following the hospitalization she has been pulling away from me a lot more and refuses to let my try to help and participate in any treatment or let me know what is happening in therapy. Almost weekly she will have some kind of breakdown and tell me i should be with someone else and just leave her because she is toxic, etc. And it is so painful to hear her say all these negative things and refuse to hear me tell her how important she is to me. I myself am bipolar and have done a lot of work to manage my emotions, including a lot of DBT which I have heard can be effective for people with BPD as well. I want to help her and share what I have learned but she "doesnt want to bring it into the relaionship." I don't know how to tell her how much all of this has hurt me without triggering her. How do I be a productive part of her life and how do I tell her that the way things are is hurting my own mental health?

Hi Foxton,

I'm sorry your partner attempted to take her life  and glad she is safe and was diagnosed. Is she no longer hospitalized?

It is so hard to be strong and unflappable when our loved ones are on an emotional roller coaster. How does she do when you validate her feelings?

LnL

Me too. She was only very briefly hospitalized while they figured out a treatment plan. I don't think it was good for her... .it seemed kind of traumatic, though I know some such intervention was necessary.

It is really hard... .I have tried to be as consistent as possible and do my best to validate her feelings when she is upset, but she often invalidates them herself later, saying she was stupid and that I shouldn't let it affect me or concern myself with her... .It's like she wants me to ignore her. But I don't want to ignore her... .I want to talk about what is bothering her even if it is something small. I don't want to have a big argument later but everything gets blown out of proportion regardless. Maybe I should just not engage her when she's upset about little stuff?

What about taking a path of least emotional arousal for now, while she is reeling.

That could mean brief, short visits that are casual, light. Or messages and texts to let her know what's going on in your life, easy breezy. You could state once that you want to stay in her life, and then move on to lighter fare so as to not trigger more emotional responses.

I hope others chime in with suggestions, too.