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Well, once again I am here and I struggle with what is really going on with her.  This latest attempt was her begging for me to be friends. She keeps saying that she is mixed up in something horrible, and wants me to be her friend. I did not respond at first, but it just kept on and on and on. Yes, I blocked her number, but she would get another number from google voice and continue each time. She even offered to be with me as in FWB to just be with her in a friend capacity.  So I decided to engage with her through text and try to get closure and validation of her previous behavior.  She apologized and said she knew she did wrong. She admitted to being a chronic liar and cheating on me (she tried to make me sound crazy when I had the facts).  Then, she started her text screaming after that.  I couldn't take it anymore and blasted her, her replacement and thew all her transgressions back in her face.  We ended the conversation and I asked her to just block me on Facebook and move on, which she did.

This has been going on for over a year, about every 2 to 3 months since I broke up with her prior to the devaluation phase.  It is almost like she can't stand that she can't control me or make me want her again.  She will start screaming, cussing, calling me names and we end up telling each other to ___ off... .rinse recycle repeat.

Does anyone else deal with this?  Did I do the right thing in blasting her to invoke shame so she will leave me the hell alone?  Why does she BEG to be friends now, even with benefits? The sex was great but there is no way in hell that I would get back into that with her ever again.  Please tell me I am not the only one that gets recycled like this... .it is just maddening now since it has been over a year.

You are not the only one, I have been recycled by my (ex)uBPDgf three times, now it has been little over two weeks of NC (both ways). It's hard ... .

No its not just you.  My ex and I have recycled more times than I can count.  Once they form an attachment its incredibly hard for them to let go of it.  They need others to help them feel whole.  You most likely did that as well or better than anyone. Which is why she can't let you go and has begged you to remain in her life.

Also your replying even with anger tells her you still care.  The only way to be rid of her is with complete NC.

Don't worry about blasting her with all her transgressions, you'll be worrying about it a lot longer and harder than she will. I blasted mine when I was angry. If there was total black and white proof, even admission he ended up denying it and failing that ignoring it, like it never happened. I'd learnt enough by then to know it wasn't me that was crazy and I was going to get nowhere insisting otherwise. Total NC is the only way forward. BLOCK everywhere, it's hard but for me not as hard eventually as the alternative. 

I might point out that while she may want to recycle, you are allowing yourself to be recycled.  Also I will note that not all borderlines will attempt to recycle by default.  Some, like my ex, prefer a clean slate, someone that has not been tainted with their destructive behavior.

You are not alone CD.

I went through the same process where I allowed myself to be recycled. I allowed  it knowing she was disordered.  I also had a blow out where I didn't hold back.

I thought that would end things. It didn't.  What happened in subsequent recycles is that basically she tried to change my perspective of reality.  She was in a way trying to punish me. Sex was also used to entice me and ultimately to control me. In her case even me hating her was attention and validation that she mattered, and more importantly that an attachment was still there.

Always be weary of offers of friendship or FWB. There are always strings attached. Accepting to be recycled gives them the power of trying us out to be the bad person and abusers, because in their black and white world, their always all right or all wrong or all good or all bad. So they fabricate a scritical where they are martyrs out to hurt the bad

I also can't say it enough.  For anyone reading this and contemplating a recycle.  Please don't do it. The sex, friendship, honeymoon phase revival,  excitement; it's not worth the subsequent damage of having fallen for it again.

Thank you to everyone so far.  You all help me keep grounded and sane! I would have never made it this far without ALL OF YOU.   My ex has tried every know method to bring me into her world.  I have tried every known method to stop it from happening... .including NC, being nice, being hateful, being forceful (as in pushing for a date) to being indifferent.  She learned me well, and knows exactly which buttons to push to invoke my wrath ( and I am normally never like that).

So after our messages last night, where I insulted her, belittled her 27 yr incarcerated felon and told her to F off, she was still trying to make it sound like I contacted her and provoked all this.  That made me even more angry and I told her to block me on FB.  Success... .she did.  Maybe this can be the final chapter, but deep down I doubt it.  For those that say I am allowing this to happen... .I promise I am not.  She uses google voice to get a new number each time I block one.My block list is longer than me in length. LOL

So to those where you have experienced this, I have noticed that they try to make/bend conversations a certain way. Like reversing the facts almost to make them be the victim.  My ex would literally selectively delete text messages out of existing conversations to make it appear that she was innocent. The only way I found out was actually seeing the whole conversation on the phone of the person she was texting. So when I read her text, I was mad and was like What the heck... .but then I saw the entire thing and it confused the hell out of me.  Does this sound familiar?  Also, another thing she does is constantly state "Leave me alone" "Stop bothering me"  when it is SHE that contacts me, not the other way around.

Sad to hear that even anger and insults feed them.  Christmas is coming soon, so I guess the sky is the limit on another recycle. Any ideas what I can do?  Silence is probably best, but damn it is so hard when they know what to say... .

use of terminology might be tripping you up here. shes in a relationship. a recycle is when both parties reconcile the broken relationship - or recycle it.

she obviously wants to be in contact, and on some level, so do you, but you each want it on your own terms. are they reconcilable terms? it doesnt sound like it.


if you want the relationship to end, then yes silence is best. she is saying what works, probably because you still have more that you want to say. if you want the relationship to end, let go of that. easier said than done i know.

Agreed, but believe it or not she was trying to "recycle" old ex bf while she was in a relationship with me (i found out later).  So even though she is in a FWB with this other dude, she is reaching out to me to be her "friend" using benefits as a hook.  I really want it to end, but I am at my wits end since NC for over a year (blocked everywhere) did not even phase her.  It is like someone puts her on pause and she starts up again without acknowledging that anything has happened.  Warped space time and no sense of responsibility. 

On the notion I have more to say... .OH yes! I didn't realize how much deep resentment is still in me doing NC. It seems that when she triggers me, BAM it starts rolling out and I can't put the brakes on it. I get caught up in this mind game within myself:

- I want to hurt her like she hurt me
- I want her to hear and acknowledge what she did
- I want her to feel like she lost the best thing (me)
- I want her to split me black
- I want her to be embarrassed with her replacement selection (because she triangulated me with him)
- I want her to FEEL THE ABANDONMENT happening
- I want her to know that she is no longer in control of things
- I want her to here through my pain based blasts how much she meant to me
- I want her to return to the way she was before (unrealistic)
- I want her to know I feel robbed of what she committed to me

I think if anyone who does a blast on them probably feels the same foundational elements under their anger. There is so much that comes out that NC seems to bury rather than heal... .and I don't know why it still lingers.  Right now, I feel that I won... .what I won, I don't know. But she was mad enough to block me and stop texting.

I went though the recycle thing with my wife (soon to be ex) many times. I realized that any attention even angry attention is attention. They crave it. That is why in dialectical behavior therapy they tell you to walk away from any abusive talk or action. Once you open the door to contact, the black and white will start. There will always be a dark side no matter how friendly or loving they are. What helped me was recognizing that my BPD is mentally ill. She is not inherently evil, just psychologically damaged and severely so. If you were in a mental ward, you would not expect patients to behave logically, reasonably and predictably. But BPD people are predictable as someone said in one of these posts. They only have one script. They do the same thing in every relationship they have. If you are still being hurt, take responsibility yourself and recognize you must go NC and don't fall for any tricks like being friends, just texting, etc. Once I realized I am encouraging and expecting something positive from a mentally ill person, I saw the futility and decided there was no chance for happiness in this relationship - only heartache and suffering. We deserve better.

 C<||| CollateralDamage             

Just stop answering calls from numbers you don't recognize.  You have voice mail ... .no? If it's an important call they'll leave a message.

Speaking for my self, the drama and circular arguments filled a void in my life.  At some level I enjoyed her attempts at contacting me and in an instant I'd forget why I had to stay away, and ended up shooting MYSELF in the foot everytime.

I found that every contact or rengagement with her resulted in me trying to reason with an adept manipulator capable of making me doubt my own sanity.  It was crazy making at its best. It just created more anger and resentment not to mention kill any progress I had made to that point.

Make no mistake.  No Contact is difficult as heck,  cause your left to your own devices and fighting serious withdrawal . In the end you just have to work to the 5 stages after the failure of a    BPD relationship.  I know for a fact that if I had stayed no contact I would have sped up my recovery.

I think about her every day with anger as my measuring stick.  If I'm angry at her I'm still attached.  I want to get to the point where I'm indifferent.

"Speaking for my self, the drama and circular arguments filled a void in my life.  At some level I enjoyed her attempts at contacting me and in an instant I'd forget... " -Rayban

"Make no mistake.  No Contact is difficult as heck,  cause your left to your own devices and fighting serious withdrawal." -Rayban

I agree. I'm not a proponent of no-contact myself; yet. These are good points though, and I can relate. It just seems to me, if you can manage to keep sex out of it, nothing will make you not want to be with them, more, than occasionally interacting with them. It's not like there is a real draw there, watching them decomp and explode every week. It's the sex that hooked me, not the contact. My experience is limited though; and what works for one person may not for another.
Eventually though, as in my case currently, this may bring you to the point where they don't want contact, not you. Hang in there, it's awful stuff.

You are really hurt. She represents deep rooted emotional pain. She was rejected. She is in a very different place. You both are very injured.

You didn't get recycled. Recycled is re-engaging the relationship. What happened is that she put out a feeler (a direct one) and you unleashed all your hurt on her in the form of anger and shaming - escalated the rejection.

Sounds like she very much wants to reverse the rejection.

Was it the right thing? That's a very personal question and depends on who you are / want to be. I would guess that your rejection is very painful for her. It sounds like you are wanting to hurt her right now.

From 35,000 ft and away from the emotion, I would think that if you were more indifferent, she would be more likely to go away. I suspect if you reach out to her, it will likely she short lived - she's not trying to reconnect from a place of stability.

 C<||| Circle 


Sex is definitely what kept me hooked, and she knew it. As often as I wanted, and anyway I wanted. I know for her, it was a weapon of choice to either keep me around or to get me back if we broke up. Looking back, and she said as much, it was a barter. She provided mind blowing sex in exchange for me having to put up with the daily craziness.

I agree take sex away from the equation and detachment would be a heck of a lot easier.  The problem is, even keeping limited contact is that in a moment of weakness they will use that weapon of sex, and it's back to the madness.  Take contact away,  and you limit the temptation  of , "I'll just go back for one night of amazing sex". There is no such thing as no strings attached when dealing with BPD. The barter agreement will always be in place.

What I have to keep remembering is that she's used it on me, she's also using it on others at the same time.  She equates being desired and lusted for to love. She needs this constantly for validation and can't go without it. Doing the math, makes me realize that I'm not that special to her.  Now I've come to the realization that she shouldn't be that special to me either.

Rayban,
I hear you. That makes sense, considering your situation. Thanks for the reply.
Circle

 C<||| Skip     

I have been doing ok and really moving ahead.  I can long periods of time without even thinking of her, but once she starts to reach out (social media, notes in mailbox, texting, flat tires, etc) all that anger, resentment and pain come right back to the surface.  I don’t know why, but I almost feel that she got away with something.  She crushed the dreams she laid seeds for me to grow into plants within my head.  I know that, but you are right…it is deep rooted emotional pain.  I was cheated on, lied to, taken advantage of and I basically almost lost everything (including myself) to her. I know it was my decision, but I was hooked by having the perfect looks, perfect attitude, same interests and off the chart sex.

I call these recycles because the other times she contacted was her laying down the law on what she expected for me to do to get back together.  This time is was friendship…in her words…”being friends can fix the underlying problems” and “you are giving up on something that can be so wonderful between us”.

I did want to hurt her, to make her experience a drop of the pain I went through.  So I get this is not a recycle, but a feeler to see if she could reverse the rejection. At first I really tried to explain that I could never be friends due to how much I loved her in the past, and to be fair to current and future relationships she has.  But no, she could not accept that and part ways.  She had to press this until I blasted her. I do not reach out to her, she does that 100% on her own. What I don’t understand is what you said in reversing the rejection.  Is rejection much stronger than abandonment fears?  

Hey Collateral Damage,
I split with my BPD ex for the third time last month.  Been on and off since 2005.
She left me, as she always does. This time we’d been back together for 5 years and all seemed to be going OK. We were even moving to a new house then suddenly BANG! She decided she couldn’t be with men because she treats them like S@@t and so she wants to try being with women instead. She had a new relationship days later. Ready and waiting in the pipeline.

Like Ripped Tom says, they do the same thing in every relationship they have. It’s true. Sad thing is, I never saw it until I started to sort out my own vulnerabilities with a therapist.
The reason she left? She couldn’t control everything about me anymore. The reason she left for a woman? It’s the only person who is available and vulnerable enough!
It’s terribly selfish & callous. But that’s how it is, which brings me to your mind game.

I’ve been suffering similarly for weeks, wanting to get her to understand that  it’s wrong, that she hurt me, that she’s thrown away something good…. Even her dad has been around to see me and cried! How much she meant to me I have realised to my sad disillusioned soul is not the same as I meant to her. The whole ‘raison d’etre’ is different.

Your feelings don’t matter as much as their needs. Mine called me for help on stuff the DAY AFTER leaving me and the week after that! I made the point I wasn’t to be contacted. So far, so good…. But it won’t stay this way

Truth is, someone with BPD just can’t see it any other way than their way. It’s next to impossible to understand empathy. No amount of trying will change that. They’ll justify their own actions to themselves and anyone else they chose to have around, often at the expense of the likes of you and I.

Abandonment? She feels it. Permanently. That’s the problem. That’s the tragedy.
You won’t need to make her feel it but what you need is to stop that pain being rubbed off onto you. Because that’s all that happens.

You want her to know she’s not in control? Keep the hell away and stay away.
It’s the hardest thing. You hate yourself for it but anything else just keeps the door open for more exposure to twisted behaviour that you just can’t get the better of.
Predictability;
She’ll be back. I know mine will. When I don’t know but I do know I’ve got to be strong enough to deal with it.

People with BPD tend to choose people that have their own insecurities. I see now after 55 years on the planet why I let so many people take me for a ride.
No more.
It’s going to hurt when she comes back but it’s self-preservation all the way.

If I can give you one thing that I’ve learned, work on you! Put your energy into making sure you are in your best shape to deal with the recycle game.

Cheers!

M

"Abandonment? She feels it. Permanently. That’s the problem. That’s the tragedy.
You won’t need to make her feel it but what you need is to stop that pain being rubbed off onto you. Because that’s all that happens." Minimal500

Great post Minimal! Hang in there. You've been down this road before; you know what to do to deal with it.

Very well said minimal 500!  Go through enough recycles and you realize that there is never enough you could do.  It just encourages the behavior.  Untreated and helped by people willing to put up with the constant projections.

 C<||| Minimal500       

Thank you so very much.  I hear you and everyone else, and I really do try to stay away, but I get caught up in the whole pursuit thing with the ego boost as well.  I know I am weak here and I need to work on it.  I keep imagining just one more night with her... .it seems that is the hardest thing to let go of.  I am about 10 years your junior, so I think my age is making it twice as hard (midlife madness lol).

This last time was a huge relief that I am still experiencing... .the ability and anger to tell her off. Normally she would just go silent, but this time she engaged and I knew by her words she at least read what I was saying.  I don't kid myself thinking she could have empathy, but at least she read it.  Im really resisting me trying to peacock my life to show her how I have moved on... .seems that I want her to miss me, but yet I know about Cluster B's inability to care. So I wrestle with my logic each day.  I try to remind myself that it does not matter what I say, do, pretend to be... .she only looks out for her needs only.  But this DAMN ego boost thing I have to work on.

As with control, if I am completely gone and out of existence, does it hurt them or just make it easier for her to move on?  I can live with either or both, but I don't know if I will be strong enough the next time she contacts because they have been getting more persistent and harder to deal with ... .in that she lays it on thick.  I know silence is the best answer, but it also depends on my constitution to resolve this need to know/hear she is hurting.   LOL   I sound like a basket case.

You don't sound like a basket case. You are just relatively new to this sort of behavior, I gather? Some people in this thread have been dealing with this behavior for years. Because, we love them. It doesn't make you crazy. We are all in the same boat. We all love these roughshod types. We all want to be free of them. We are all struggling with the process. We all know it's not good for us. Hand in there C.D.!

The only way it will stop is when you decide to go strict NC; a PWBPD fears abandonment most of all and loosing an attachment is the worst for them, so any contact you have, especially emotionally charged contact that is either positive or negative shows them there is still an attachment in place.

Don't respond to any contact, remain boring and non-interested if you can't avoid contact, and shift the focus to you and why you care about someone who doesn't respect you.

CD,
   you must not answer anything she sends... .it is the only way. Make her believe she is totally blocked. I think you know you're getting an ego boost from it, but it is not helping either if you. The things she says to you are simple projection, that is why you do not understand. What you're not understanding is why you are arguing. She is blaming you for what she has done. Basically telling you that she knows. I used to tell mine all the time, " I am a reflection of you"... he knew what I meant. He would even have  tantrums over it. It was very strange, but do not react, do not get upset... .look up going grey rock if you must answer. Your anger and being upset is giving her satisfaction that she has done the right thing by not being with you. She just hasn't found any one to replace you, which you can feel pretty good about actually. Just try and stop... .for your sanity. It is very hard I know.

Thank you.  I think what will help me stay no contact and to block is to believe that it will cause her hurt.  I know this sounds bad, wrong and is selfish but the anger in me needs to believe that in order to be successful.  I keep trying to find out from those that know how a BPD feels when an attachment appears to be lost... .kinda the other side of the coin with me going NC completely.  For whatever reason, I can't seem to just do it to work on me. I have to feel a wee bit of satisfaction that I am doing this to have her feel the pain that she caused me. In my mind, I believe that being LC (only when she reaches out) shows me that she is missing me and that her heart is hurting /sorry.  Fantasy I know... .

So what does NC do to a BPD generally speaking?  What do they potentially feel inside when they see an attachment leaving?   Will there be an extinction burst then they move on?  Answers to those questions will help me be successful at my stage in this.

Thank you

Dude
Reading your posts is scaring me LOLLL

Are we the same person? Are you being triangulated with me
My ex is in her late 20s too? Which continent u from

The above is a scary coincidence, I am going through what you are going through on every single level (only thing is she hasn't moved on yet, at least I don't know)

Mine does exactly what u do, I block she makes new accounts, phone numbers etc etc and then entices me in with FWB

When you go for your fwb fix, a couple of things happen

- your resentment/anger/pain/hurt comes back
- they feel like their in control again and No doubt u have rewarded her behavior so she will see nothing wrong in making a million new accounts
- ull realize she doesn't want fwb, it was just manipulation to try and recycle
U back with her, 20 mins of good sex ended with 4 hours of hearing their horrible garbage

Don't worry, I also blew up at my ex in text even after I had done some reading (finally) about BPD and how to handle it.  I shouldn't have gotten drawn in.  He left me a lone for 2 weeks after he moved out, and I had started to feel ok about it, then he texted me again. At first it was the whole "I love you , why did you give up on us, " etc etc.   Then when I tried to ask him if he had heard of BPD, he said he had. I asked if I could send him some things to read about it (dumb idea).  Then his whole mood changed. I was the worst person in the world. Then in the middle of the night he texted me he Hated me and he wished he never loved me.  I also lost my temper, he threw every comment back in my face and I told him I was going to block him. Know what he said ?  "I told you to block my number a long time ago!". Just such a fitting ending. I think cutting them off completely is the right thing to do.  Their attempts and promises won't stick unfortunately.  I tried already so many times to attempt all the things he suggested when I tried to break up so many times... .and they never worked  it's going to be less painful... .pull the bandaid!  But yes I cried for a few days straight after that.

Jasmine 1234

Call them out and inevitably the word hate is used. Like a teenager who doesn't get they're way.  Basically we burst their fantasy bubble, and ask them to face reality about themselves.  This is a scary proposition for a BPD. Having to face their shame and be accountable for their past.

It's sad cause on some level they are self aware but choose to stay in denial and make the other person the hated vilan.

this is really less about contact or no contact than approach to detachment. is this approach different than the path you have been on - gauging her emotional reaction to your contact or lack there of?

regardless, it is unlikely to heal these very deep wounds and more likely to keep you stuck and fixated on her.

NC or "no contact" is a tool among many, to give us some space and sort through our hurt. in most cases, people dont resume contact, at least actively, with an ex, but at that point its just the natural progression of things post relationship. there is no answer as to what it does to another person generally speaking; every person (and every person with BPD) is different. you noted before that she seemed unaffected.

have you had an opportunity to read this: No Contact: The Right Way & The Wrong Way (https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way)

FWB.
She knows that just F is not enough to keep you onboard.
That is why she puts the B in play.
To secure it.