BPDFamily.com

Hi, Ive been reading here for over a month now but decided to finally post. Hopefully I'm posting to the correct board, sorry if I''m not.

So I've been in a relationship with my fiance for ten years on n off 5 times, I'm 34 she is 32, never knew much about BPD. We have had a good relationship with a few kinks here and there like most relationships but now I have questions and would like thoughts on these. I'll try to keep this short as possible.

So the fourth time we split up she was distant a few weeks and i was giving her some space then out of no where she said she didnt want to continue the relationship and i didnt understand, did the usual guy thing and tried to figure it out, it was nerve racking mainly because I thought things was going good and i had secretly bought a ring and was going to ask her to marry me on christmas. Told her this at the time she was splitting up with me anyways long story short here but she went silent so eventually i did too heart broken thinking it was over. We didnt live together.

I started taking care of myself and throwing myself into my work, hanging out with friends more just trying to get past it all then about 7 months later as i was at a good place i mean i still had thoughts of her but had excepted it was over for a while now. Anyway she text me out the blue wanting to come by and talk as friends of course i accepted. We talked for a bit and eventually got sexual and back together so i asked what happened and she said she didnt understand why she left and that she does love me.

She said she went to a psychiatrist because she knew something was wrong and i asked what the doctor had said she told me borderline bipolar. She was trying out different meds and seeing the psychiatrist so i figured ok she was taking care of whatever her problem was and i began researching bipolar so i could be more supportive.

Things was going good, we got engaged, she got done with school and started her new job. We started discussing marriage again after about a year and a half or so and the proceeded to look at homes for us. We never really argued about much and we never even got loud with one another, was a great relationship compared to my previous one but we did disagree on the home we wanted. She would show me great big homes on a .3 acres of land and i would show her homes that was fixer uppers but on a good amount of land because my dream was to have a big farm because i really enjoy that kind of thing.

Well after about a year of this i started to compromise even to the point of showing her places that only had 2 or 3 acres but at this point she had started to become some what emotionally distant but it was hard for me to notice much because i was working 3 jobs now saving up money (just trying to be the man and provide, save money for home and other expenses once we moved in together) I'll admit i kind of had my thinking backwards because she was pushing for marriage so we could apply for a loan together then get a home but for some reason i was wanting to find a place we agreed on then get married and get the loan.

Well she proceeded to apply for a loan saying she just wanted to see what she could get and I was ok with that, at this time she started hanging with a couple of girls from work and was talking to me about them all the time, which was also fine because she didnt really hang out with anyone and i always told her she had me i was her best friend and such. The last time we went out together we discussed the home and marriage, i said i thought it was weird for us to get married but not living together, she did mention a home about 45 minutes away and i said i couldnt do that because it would be too far from my jobs, then she mentioned she had never lived alone before and wanted to get an apartment for a year and i said that was fine i understood that i didnt mind where she lived as long as we was ok... she assured me we would still be together... that same night before we bslept together she mentioned her friends from work mentioned a guy from work liked her and said that everyone thought he was gay but she knew he wasnt, i made a joke asking if she was trading me out and she assured me no and we slept together...

Well she started to become distant again and i started to give her her space, I did talk to her on the phone a couple times during this and asked if she was still taking her meds and seeing the psychiatrist, she got a little hostile in her voice and said she ran out of meds and hadnt seen her psychiatrist in a while because she was so busy with work and then said but i feel fine! i said ok cause i didnt want to push it... next thing i know we hadnt really talked on the phone and was strictly talking in texts some times she would say she loved me other times she wouldnt and i didnt press it too much cause i thought things was good she just was stressed out with work.

Finally i did start to pressure a little bit asking what was going on after about 2 weeks no contact said i didnt feel like we was a couple doing couple things. She finally replied that she had bought a home and she would be moving soon and she didnt know how to tell me, i responded with why couldnt you tell me this? i told her i cared about her and didnt mind where she lived as long as we was together so i asked if we was ok? she replied "as far as us i just dont know, i dont feel anything anymore,i just dont care, i'm sorry" (she didnt respond any more after this) then my heart dropped,i proceeded to do the usual guy things and try to talk about it, compromise to the point of giving up my own dreams but no response...

every few days i would send a couple messages saying i cared n missed her and wanted to talk things out... that went on for a month then i decided to go to the beach and try to clear my head, while at the beach i was taking pictures posting them on fb and such, the second night there she sent a text out the blue saying "we need to talk i'm sorry ive acted this way. cant talk right now getting ready for work, talk to you later" i responded with ok let me know.

The next day i sent a few messages saying i wish she was at the beach with me and sent her a couple pictures where i wrote romantic things in the sand for her, but no response... so i went back to my usual every few days send a text saying i cared for her and was here for her if she needed anything,... no response for a month so i finally took the hint she wasnt going to talk to me and stopped.

Well one morning i woke up and it came to me exactly how she had said she was borderline bipolar 3 years ago when we got back together so i googled it and couldnt find anything on borderline bipolar but found that BPD and bipolar could be co morbid... .so i guess she told me but didnt tell me to the point i would be aware and just let me assume it was bipolar. Now the things i had read on here was quite scary, she has never been like most of these stories, breaking up every couple weeks being verbally abusive and raging so it wasnt quite adding up but then i read about the quiet borderline and it made more sense, things started adding up little by little.

She liked to spend money like crazy but always her own, she could easily rack up a credit card... she would be fine with a coworker and talk good about them then suddenly be upset about them like they could do no right but then some times after a while go back to how she was with them before... if she got upset about something she wouldnt say much but she would immediately turn the brightest red ive ever seen,... relationships other than ours had never lasted long and she had always over lapped them, one of the times we split up her friends from another job she was at mentioned a guy liking her and she left me for him but then we got back together,... all exes was bad to her except for one but he had died while she was with him... .the last time we had split up she had sex with the father of her child which she admitted to after i found a video of him masterbating, which i was ok with because well we wasnt together right?

All along since i had no idea she had a mental disorder i thought we had some fairy tale love because even though she left we always ended up back together, foolish on my part i guess... .the last time we got back together she said she was coming back from some where and rode by and saw me out mowing and decided to contact me, i told a friend about this recently and he said where could she have possibly been coming from to have rode by your place? he said man she was probably riding by on purpose, which i hadnt really thought about before then...

anyways i guess i'm just trying to understand more, i do care a lot about her, if we had only been seeing each other a few months it may be no big deal but we had a lot invested so i'm trying to figure out a way to see if its possible to fix all of this as far as us.

I plan on seeing a therapist next week to talk,... should i start back trying to communicate and let her know i'm still here for her? Since we have got back together before will she eventually want to work things out again? In the past i just respected her wishes and went on with my life except the one time i found out about the guy and i put forth more effort that time to win her back... .has she painted me black and the new guy from work white? He does a lot of traveling contracts and is never around, currently in colorado next going to nebraska for 6 months so he will be gone a total of 9 months before he returns or is it possible she painted me black and her friends from work white? The one girl she talked about the most is that what happened? I feel like that one talked her into leaving me and getting her own place but i have no proof of this... .she hasnt blocked me or unfriended me on anything but she just hasnt responded. She still has my pictures up on her facebook.

I found out where she lives but will not go by there unless she says its ok because i dont want to be labeled a stalker, one of her exes she described as this, said he would come to her house or leave notes on her car and i dont want her to think of me that way... .Ive tried to meet up and give her back her things some of it includes childhood pictures and i never asked for her to return anything of mine but she didnt respond to that? She moved to the home she mentioned to me the last time we was physically together, the one i had said was too far from my jobs... I dont know i'm just pretty lost in all this and never even knew i was dealing with BPD.

My cousins husband has just BPD no bipolar and he says to not contact her because it will continue to push her away and that i just need to wait it out and maybe send a message every now and again saying i care and i'm still here for her? she quit her meds a month or so before all of this started happening is that what went wrong? she was in therapy and taking meds for almost three years, i wish she had been clearer about what her mental issues were so i could have been more knowledgable and supportive but is it too late for that?

I mean ive learn a lot here lately with BPD and bipolar both, ive been reading and learning so much its almost became an obession lol sorry just when i put myself up for learning something i tend to get carried away wanting to know everything about it but with this considering shes the woman i care deeply for ive been putting it into massive over drive lol well any comments or advice i appreciate, sorry if this post is long i tried to shorten it up as much as possible

Hi shimmieshimshim,

I'm sorry things are so confusing right now. It's hard.

Good idea to not go by her place. It will signal desperation, and that's not attractive  *)

Seeing a therapist and posting here, reading to better understand the disorder -- those are great self-care steps that will put you in a much better position to support her through emotional dysregulations when/if she reaches out again. In BPD relationships, she needs you to be the emotional leader.

I have a quiet borderline loved one in my life, too, and in some ways it can be easier, some ways harder. The emotional intensity goes underground and it can be very hard to tell that the waters are churning.

We can walk with you as you learn what it means to love someone with BPD.  :)

LnL

Thank you for your response, it means a lot to me,... just started breaking down after i read it i dont know why... this is the first time ive truly broken down since this all happened, i guess ive just tried to keep my head clear as possible during this because being distraught during a crisis is one of the worst things you can do in my opinion. I feel kind of stupid for being together so long and never thinking something wasnt right here. I'm worried about her, the new girls that are her friends at work i dont think are good for her, duing our conversations when she was talking so much about them she mentioned they like to go out and party a lot, they also pressured her into trying cocaine at work... .i'm scared they have cut me out of the picture and sending her down a bad path and i'm lost as what i can do because well i am currently out of the picture, like i said i'm not blocked or anything and she has not asked me to not contact her but she has only replied to me twice since all this began, once to say she didnt know about us and the other time to say we needed to talk, why would she say we needed to talk but has yet to talk? also what do you mean emotional leader? how can i go about being this? during the relationship ive always been supportive and even helped with ideas on things such as when she was feeling negative about people or situations and have been able to help her see things in a different way

You've been shouldering a lot of this on your own. Breaking down is your body's way of saying it's time to set down this burden. People here understand what you're going through -- you're not alone trying to figure this out by yourself anymore.

Being distraught is to be expected, and it's ok (even good) to let your emotions run so you aren't bottling things up.

BPD is not an easy disorder to understand. Quiet borderlines can be particularly challenging, and confusing.

Be gentle with yourself  :)

LnL

thanks again, its just ive went through my head with the what ifs and reasons of things, like did she just feel i didnt care because i held back on marriage until we found a place and other things i wonder, but adding the BPD and bipolar to it and its like a whole other thing of what ifs and whys on top of the other ones,... shes not acted mean or anything even during her text she seemed like she felt bad about all of this but she hasnt had much to say and i dont know how to go about things, like should i continue being silent and wait for her to talk to me again or should i be sending the occasional message to let her know i care? my cousins husband says wait for her to talk because if i continued to message it would just push her farther away, i havent text her since the last time she messaged about we needed to talk and she was sorry for how she acted, its currently been 3 weeks since then. why would she text about wanting to talk but not eventually try to talk? Ive not been angry or acted in any way other than caring and some concern. of course most of this time i hadnt read about communications techniques until more recently so i dont know if i was saying things the wrong way some times or if she is still dysregulated and what ive said has been taken then wrong way... it leaves you feeling lost, i do know in most past break ups i would just tell her i loved her missed her and that she would always hold a place in my heart then went about my own life, should i handle it the same way as ive done before when i had no idea of the BPD and bipolar? also ive read on here that when they leave it usually is a replacement involved, does this replacement need to be a romantic replacement or could it simply be a new female friend?

It's hard to know the best way to respond.

Chances are she is consumed in shame and self-loathing, from how you describe your relationship and her reactions. My guess is that your cousin's husband is saying don't contact her because people often do so with an air of desperation -- they are in the pits of the relationship and acting like it.

However, there is a third way. Which is to be light and breezy with her, resume normal communication without laying things on heavy. Intimate partners can be emotionally triggering, and she is already triggered, from the sounds of it. "Hey, had a good trip to the beach and saw some cool turtles  *)" or whatever you might say that is both attentive and neutral.

If she tells you stay away, that's a different message. If she says she's bad for you, that can mean she is quitting before she can be fired. You can let her go through this without her thinking it's fatal by responding in neutral, kind ways. No pushing on the terms of the relationship, etc. Just you being your awesome self.