BPDFamily.com

I have a dear friend who I suspect has UBPD (based on similar behaviour to another person I know who is diagnosed). We were in a relationship briefly which ended due to her infidelity, however we have maintained a very close friendship (albeit in physically separated by a state border). Most of our conversations are via text, she hates speaking on the phone.

Lately I have been struggling with her behaviour and I am unsure on how to best deal with it. She has been nitpicking on small words and taking the worst possible meaning from them. However it quickly escalates into calling out all my faults and failures in our past. The conversation often ends with her going silent. She has also experienced a lot of self hate lately.

Our "relationship" is a complicated one. We both care about each other a great deal, but she has refused to take it further for fear that she would end up hurting me. I tried to move on by dating a few other women and each time she has gotten quite jealous. She can't bear the thought of me with someone else [abandonment fear?] but she has chosen not to be with me. I have decided to stop dating for a while as I felt it was unfair on her and the people I was seeing. However this has just made her feel bad about herself.

There is a lot more to it but that's probably the main aspect. I have tried to be supportive and validating. Her pushing has increased recently and although I can't see myself abandoning her, I have had to step away for my own mental health.

I really am at a loss on how to deal with this. I would like to encourage her to go and see a professional and get a diagnosis (she suffers from severe anxiety too), but I don't want to push and make things worse.

Any tips or ideas to help me frame my own thinking would be hugely appreciated.

Jackson_

At the end of the day, if she doesn't want to get help in order to make her life better, she's not going to.  My BPD friend will go through spurts where she wants to get help, but it's always because of someone else, usually a guy.  She wants to get better for the other person, not for herself.  I think it's an attempt to abate her abandonment fears.  If she promises to get help, people won't leave. 

My advice to you is to be supportive but to also go live your own life.  Have fun.  Hang out with other friends.  Try dating.  Discover a new hobby. 

My situation is very similar to yours, including a brief romantic past, and the best advice I can give you is that you need to find someone who is mentally and emotionally healthy, who values mutual respect and communication.  Your friend, whether she has BPD or just has many BPD traits, can't provide that to you, no matter how hard you try.  My friend raves about me to her mom and to others, and this is after two discards and a lot of drama, but yet she still manages to hurt me.  It often feels intentional, though I know it's not.  Of course, that doesn't make it hurt any less. 

In the two years that I've known her, she has gone through at least 12 people, including me.  And at least two of those were recycled.  Most ended very badly, and most only lasted a month or two.  Every single one of her relationships has followed the exact same pattern, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. 

I know how hard it can be, especially when it seems like they want to get better.  I do think my BPD friend hates what she does to people, but she can't seem to stop.  It's sad, and I definitely feel bad for her, but there's nothing I can do to help her.  She has to want to help herself. 

Hi Jackson_,

It's difficult when the boundaries are blurred   People with BPD tend to have no boundaries, and that puts us in a position of doing most of the boundary work. However, when we weaken our boundaries, trade in our values, or capitulate to their needs and demands, it tends to make us miserable and that doesn't help them.

She likely externalizes her emotions, so the more unflappable and confident you are in the face of her distress, the better for her. She will probably go up and down on her emotional roller coaster no matter what you do, so it's best to find solid ground and stay there. If she needs space, let her know you understand and will be there for her. Light, easy, breezy. Keep validating her emotions, and reassure her that you are not taking her bullets personally.

If you do start to take things personally, reassess whether you need a break to clear your head. Getting muddled by her inconsistent behaviors will only drag you both down, and what she needs is for someone to be true to themselves in spite of her emotional irregularities.

Encouraging her to see a therapist is nice thing to do, unfortunately it has the look and feel of you telling her that something is wrong with her.

Keep dating people. Or, at the very least work to define in clear terms what your boundaries are with your friend. Romantic limbo is hard no matter whether there is BPD or not. Maybe you tell her that the topic of your romantic life is off the table so your friendship can stabilize. Something that structures your relationship so that you can roll back the triggering that often happens in intimate relationships.