BPDFamily.com

Hey there
intro... .hmm.
well, I have a convoluted relationship that involves my own PTSD issues along with my M2F BPD partner

Hi Muskwe 

How long have you and your partner been together? Has there been a BPD diagnosis?

Hi Melli

Yes, she has been diagnosed.  We've been together for 11 years now.  Her transition has been the last five or six years, and things seem to be getting worse.  We're actually fighting in this moment, TBH.
I'm at my wit's end today.  She accused me of not wanting her around because she thinks she's a freak, that I need to find someone better, etc etc, but in the nexy breathe she is telling me that I show her no affection - this after an hour and a half back rub.
I don't know how to handle this anymore.I have read so much - I know I'm not supposed to take this personally but it's really difficult to do so.

Yeah, the push/pull is a killer and so difficult to deal with, and it can quickly take it's toll on your emotional state if you let it.

It's good that you've been reading a lot. Have you read about Listening with Empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy) and Don't be Invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)? It's during the push/pull that we can learn a lot about what is going on within our pwBPD (person with BPD).

For instance, what do you think that she was actually telling you when she said that she thought that you didn't want her around because she thinks she's a freak, that I need to find someone better, etc etc? How did you respond to her?

For a lot of pwBPD, shame plays a huge role. It sounds like she's feeling shame and projecting onto you. I found it much easier to not take things personally when I started to look at things from that perspective. She may be telling you her emotions rather than actually accusing you of something.

I never thought of it that way.

I told her that I never thought of her as a freak.  I told her that I think she's beautiful.  I told her that I loved her, but she "falls down the rabbit hole" and it's hard to reach her.  I feel like there is a lot of frustration based reaction on my part and (shamefully)often if it gets bad, I feel like "why should I validate someone who doesn't validate me?  Or worse, drags me down to the gutter."  There is a part of me that feels as though enabling these feelings are making it worse.  I honestly think that this is mostly my own issues and frustration talking though. :/

It's strange, but if she says "I feel like a freak" and you respond with "I think you are beautiful" you are actually being invalidating!

If she says "I feel like a freak", whether she is or not is irrelevant. She FEELS like she is. Talk about her feelings. Don't try to change her feelings, or call them right or wrong, just talk about them. "It must feel so strange to feel different to everyone else. I can't imagine what that must be like. Tell me more... ."

Then, after she's talked about how she feels, THEN you can say "I think you are beautiful". She needs to feel heard first.

Also, do you know about the 5 love languages? You say that a 1.5hr back rub is "you showing affection". It is - but only if her love language is touch. If SHE doesn't feel love by it then I'm guessing her love language isn't touch... .

Her main bone of contention with me is that I'm not touchy enough, so :/

This is so confusing.  She's still not in a good place, and I tried talking  to her calmly and asking her questions, but she doesn't talk.  She goes silent and stares at the ceiling.  If I push she either disassociated completely or starts hurling accusations at me. She freaked out earlier about me not carrying a communication device so she could know where I was when not in the house,  and then called me a b___.  I'm so lost right now.