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Title: Husband has signs of BPD Post by: Outside on October 24, 2016, 04:58:19 PM Hello,
My daughter is very angry about the effect her Dad's BPD symptoms have had on her life. She is 46. I have been the one that tries to smooth things over and avoid too much conflict... .and this has made her angry at me. I've tried to do everything in my power to protect her. Now she's saying that I did and said mean and crazy things to her when she was a teenager that messed up her life... .and I do not remember doing or saying those things... .I have thought and thought. I feel like such a total miserable failure... . Title: Re: Husband has signs of BPD Post by: livednlearned on October 24, 2016, 07:09:37 PM Hi Outside,
Do you suspect your daughter has BPD too? Are you still married to her dad? Sometimes, kids will take issue with the parent they know is more stable because they have learned to trust this relationship -- the love is unconditional. I know that doesn't make it any easier to have her accuse you of awful things Have you tried validating her feelings? This is a relationship skill that can help prevent emotional arousal escalation, for people who either BPD or not. Sometimes, people want to be heard. If she is BPD, it may also be the case that you allow her to speak her mind once on the topic and then move on. Indulging in allegations of abuse can keep pwBPD stuck in emotional arousal and gently but firmly moving on from a loaded topic can show them that the train stops here. LnL Title: Re: Husband has signs of BPD Post by: Outside on October 25, 2016, 10:44:22 AM Hi LnL,
Thank you for your encouraging comments. I am still married to her father and now that I think about it, I AM the one she trusts. She had a spat with her father and out of nowhere she turned on me. I do suspect she has BPD. I tried to defend myself at first, but she kept on with bizarre accusations and I finally just stopped and listened... .not knowing what to say and thinking "did I really act that way, am I crazy?" Her father has the symptoms of a high functioning bp. He is not physically abusive, but is moody, controlling, and has a sharp tongue. He is a successful businessman and his clients love him. He saves his anger for his family. I have tiptoed around him our whole marriage. This has apparently made her angry at me. It's a relief to know that it's best not to rehash the conversation and keep it going... .I didn't know what to do next... I will follow your advice. Tnank you! Outside Title: Re: Husband has signs of BPD Post by: livednlearned on October 25, 2016, 11:17:03 AM I should add that it's often helpful to validate how she feels (this helps soothe the emotional arousal), and then move things along.
Sometimes, too, the whirling vortex of emotions is an inner battle that just needs to pass through -- we help by staying stable, protecting ourselves if necessary, and letting them know we will be there on the other side. But in all of this is an opportunity to investigate how you feel about what she is saying. It might be something you do here, with us, or something you talk to a therapist about. Your daughter feels very hurt by her dad's behavior, and that is perfectly valid. It probably is very hard to have a BPD father. My son's father is BPD/NPD and it had a very devastating impact on him -- he is able to now articulate that he resented the way his dad reversed the parent-child role, not to mention the emotional roller coaster and other issues. It is very painful to admit this is all true. I validate his feelings and I allow myself a short sip from the faucet of guilt. If he feels pain and can abide it, we may linger a while and just feel the sadness. If he becomes emotionally dysregulated or angry, I move things along. Our own guilt can get in the way of validating how our kids feel. Afraid of drowning in that guilt, we defend ourselves or deny or deflect their feelings. Often, what our kids want is to feel heard. If it turns into a blame fest and we become punching bags, it is best (for us, and for them), to have good boundaries about how that conversation will be handled going forward. She wants to respect you, is my guess. She may be angry about you not protecting her as a child, and that is now history. Nothing can be done to change how things were. You can, however, become someone she respects in the way you interact with her now. It's hard, I know. We're here for you as you navigate this path. :) |