BPDFamily.com

well, can anyone talk to me a little about... My girl is going threw a recovery process,  doing very well for months now.  but the family has been missing their black sheep I guess. her mom, twin sister, and older sister are really worried about her all of a sudden.  she has not been attending the family blowout drinking parties. she has not been looking for their approval for every move she makes. she has not been the joke of the family for a while... .Well her mother finally came to check on her and my girl filled her in on the wish to get better and focusing on herself for a while...  The next day the whole family is having an intervention... the mom told everyone she must be on drugs. Im a bad influence. I need to go... she just needs her family. and they love her very much. but that she needs to come home.  Stop being brainwashed by me the crazy boy friend. And they are all worried about her and miss her. That she should never put a man in her life above her family. They all want to help her ,but she must get rid of Me, the control freak.  ... .
      Ok... so... .we have been together 2 1/2 yrs.  oh yes ... .I have been through the ringer... . and now its ironic... because , that's all she has ever wanted from them... but could never get.  
    Well, im scared.  because it seems to be working.  and I think she is slipping back into that... .whatever I have to do to please my mother, and be a real part of the family...  
   So...  has anyone had a similar situation.   and can anyone give a lil advice here... . I don't want to tell her what I really feel about it because the fear of bad habits returning. and her mother is the only thing that we still cannot fully address... . help... .help... .sorry so long.

 

Your story is not alien, my wife is still under the influential draw of her family. Not so much that they want to help her, but rather that she should 'fit in" and attend family functions etc. My wife realizes her interactions with them is extremely invalidating and so ultimately toxic. But it is like a drug she can't give up.

The problem has been described as being unable to "cut the umbilical cord". Part of this comes from not having developed a mature sense of self, and thereby incapable of functioning independently. Constantly returning back to her desired source of comfort, even if that comfort isn't effective.

What you have to avoid doing is creating a tug of war, me or them type of dynamic, this just increases her insecurity and she will default back to family.

The goal is to built up her own sense of self so that she can have more confidence in being herself as an individual. It is hard for you feeling like you are being portrayed this way, but what her family think of you is of not really your objective, so you have to learn to let this pass. Otherwise you will get sidetracked arguing over this.

Regarding her family... .there's a saying... .don't fight them at their level. They will fight you down there, and beat you with experience!

It is seriously messed up to drive a wedge between somebody and their partner.
It is also seriously messed up to drive a wedge between somebody and their family.

Don't let yourself get drawn into that kind of fight. Even if you "win" it won't go well.

I'd suggest you continue supporting your girlfriend the way you were before, and encourage her to do what she thinks is right. Let her know that you aren't forcing her to choose between you and her family.

She will make her own choice, whatever you do. Instead of trying to force it (which doesn't really work!), give her reasons to choose to stay with you.

With my uBPDw, I've seen this cycle repeated many times with her lifelong incredibly dysfunctional friends. It's like trying to get sober, but your old drinking buddies keep trying to talk you into becoming your good old fun self again and go out and get hammered with them.

Ultimately, she has to make her own choices. Unless she goes N/C with her family, this will always be out there as a potential pitfall to her getting better. With no real sense of self, I'm sure her family and old habits provide a very comfortable and comforting place to project her false self onto. Not only do they welcome her unhealthy behaviors and false self, but encourage it. Just like the drinking analogy, sometimes the alcoholic/addict chooses the easy road of getting hammered with their old buddies, rather than the difficult road of sobriety being offered by the partner who truly cares about their well being.