BPDFamily.com

I guess I just need to vent. He broke up with me 3 days ago and has already moved on to another girl. We have been together for almost 4 years and lived together for 3 1/2. I still live with him and will through the first of the year. I watch his kids when they are here on the weekend and do all the cooking and cleaning.

This girl he is with now has PTSD from being almost stabbed to death by her bf just last year and a 5 year old autistic child. She is also 12 years his junior. I'm actually worried for her because he has already told her she could always trust him and he would be with her forever. That is what he said to me at the beginning too.

She has traits that he complained about in me like having panic attacks and being overweight. He was always telling me to lose weight and she is a lot bigger than me, actually morbidly obese.

Do you think the relationship with her will work out or do you think he will come crawling back to me?

Hi tammym1972,

That is really tough. I'm sorry you are going through this. Breakups are often painful, but breakups with someone with BPD can be especially difficult. I've been there, too. 

It must be doubly hurtful to be living with him while he is with a new girlfriend. Three days... .it sounds like it's too early to guess what is going on with him. Has this happened before? Do you have friends and family whom you can lean on?

heartandwhole

That's terrible... .well, they can't be alone. He probably has been seeing her longer than you know. Sounds like she is in for some trouble, poor girl has already been through one traumatizing experience. Do you want him to come crawling back to you? If you take him back, how do you think he will treat you after that? You have allot to think about... .still living with him and all... .they have no boundaries, so expect the unexpected. What are your boundaries?

That sounds so tough for you. You deserve much better treatment and shouldn't be looking after his kids anymore really, but sometimes just have to do things to help/keep the peace and we get stuck, but it shouldn't be the way.

I guess you need to think what's best for you, put yourself first for a change, then go from there.

I think it's awful he has told you this stuff about his new girlfriend. You don't need to know about his new GF, you don't need their problems in your life too. You can leave all this drama behind now. Forget her, forget him. Try to stay out of that for your own well being.

I'd recommend moving out as soon as you can, if possible. It will be easier and in the long run better for you.

Everytime you think of him, think of yourself instead.

It's common to wonder that at this stage tammy.  Borderlines must have attachments, it's the primary focus, so it's likely he was feeling abandoned and/or triggered in the relationship with you, for reasons that may or may not have anything to do with the reality of the situation, making attaching to someone else mandatory.  No way of knowing whether it will last as long as yours did with him, or if it doesn't whether he'll come "crawling" back to you, but best thing to focus on now if what you want and need, and where you getting it from him? 

And it's very difficult to be living together and taking care of his kids when he's with someone else; I join heartandwhole in asking are there other people around, family or friends, that you can connect with right now?  Do you know what you want?  You mention he broke up with you, is that what you want, to not be with him, or do you want him back?  If you want the relationship to be over, best to focus on creating a life without him in it, moving out if at all possible, and taking care of yourself very well.  You don't get over a 4 year relationship in a day or two, there's grieving, processing and detaching to do, and that is best done away from his influence.  Take care of you!

For the last couple of months he said he has been getting worked up around me and his blood pressure has been through he roof. I don't know why. I know I'm not perfect but I try so hard. Just being in my presence sets him off for some reason.

Now he is mostly staying at his new girlfriends. He is coming back for the weekend because the kids will be here. I'm planning on moving out after the first of the year. We have been planning a big vacation in December and we're still going despite his new Gf not being very happy abut it.

I would like him back but I know it will never be like it used to be.