BPDFamily.com

 All. I have posted on detaching from a failed relationship from SO before, but maybe should have started here first.?Im seeking input and support from any others that may have had a horrendous upbringing as myself ... and what has worked for you living a more peaceful life, and perhaps even finding a loving mate.
I am an adult daughter of a BPD/NPD hoarding mother and narcissist father. My childhood years were " moderate ambient daily abuses" I thought were normal, speckled with episodic traumatic events.
I am damaged. If you were to meet me on the street, or strike up a convo, you find me a friendly, warm southern type person. If you dropped a bag, or needed a door opened, I'm the first to rush to help. You would never guess or see the pain in my face. I keep it well hidden except in private with myself. My friends run to me during crises, as I empathically listen and try to help sort out ... what's going on.
I grew up in search to belong to another family... having a different set of circumstances, and parents. My mother is/was a suffocating, oppressive negative human being ( if u can call her that) that identified early on with me being the one she could manipulate the easist, and later use as a dumping receptacle for all the things she hated and disowned in herself.i was a good natured child, happy, and happy go lucky. I was empathic to a fault. I felt sorry for my mother and tried to cheer her up... keep her happy and not rock the boat. At the time, there was not label for ADHD... I just had trouble staying still... and focused in school. I never failed a grade... but passed by  taking in what I heard in class. My sister on the other hand, was a straight A student... ( my narcissistic fathers fav) guess why? Lol she was a positive mirror to reflect back on.
I do early on... my mother starting obsessing on me... telling me " there is something wrong with me" Gee! Thanks Mom!
My teacher asked to test me for learning disabilities... but they declined.the testing...
Our home life was riddled with my mothers OCD features... ( at the time, they were opposite of hoarding). When she decided to finally pick us from school... which was always late... sometimes until dark... I waited... .
she was home looped out on Valiums... or asleep.( couldn't be bothered with such menial details picking up her kid... she often opted to call my dads secretary... to pick us up... ( at least she was on time)
Other times, when my sis was at home, before she sent her off to boarding school... We went grocery shopping... .after that... we had to " ride around" and do so many circles in a particular neighborhood b4 going home.
This must've started when I was around 6-8 years old... There had been a young girl murdered named Tina Andrews... whose precious little body at the time... had been left under a roof in a field out in the middle of no where... My mothers favorite " game" was ride out on the edge of town... where this occurred... . stop the car... and demand I get out there...
of course this was terrifying for a small child... I can recall my sister sitting in the front seat... just " looking on" she was nearly 4 years older... and later told me that those events didn't bother her much...
They did me... I was hysterical to which my mother gleefully laughed watching how upset it made me.
Upon getting home... my father ... would lightly chastise her for " scaring the children" ... and that was abt it...
Have any of you experienced this type of abuse as a child and how did has it affected your adult relationships? This only one of many...
do u feel it left you with abandonment issues?
Thank u
Aldactone

Welcome to Coping & Healing Laurielynn

You had a difficult childhood indeed just based on what you've shared here. I am very sorry you had these negative experiences and can definitely see how this would affect you also as an adult. I was raised in an environment with an uBPD mom, uBPD older sis and narcissistic older brother. Growing up in that environment definitely affected me in my adult life.

As you come to terms with what you've been through and try to heal yourself, it might help to take a look at the Survivor's Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse, you can find it in the right-hand side margin of this board. The guide consists of three major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. Each stage consists of 7 steps. When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are now?


I find it very concerning that your mother did this to you. What happened to that other girl is truly horrible and to then use that to scare you is very disturbing behavior.

You've also mentioned your sister several times, what kind of relationship do you have with your sister now?


One of the things growing up with my family has done to me, is that it has made it difficult for me to let my guard down, like I am always on alert for another 'attack'.

Take care

The Board Parrot

Hi LL,

So much of your story sounds so familiar to me - the child of a uBPDm and uNPDf. I recall watching my mother do similar things to my younger sister, and being horrified, but unable to speak out.

Much like Kwamina, I find I keep my guard up constantly. I fear having somebody get too close, because surely I will be rejected once they have gotten close enough to see me.

To address your question of "what has worked for you living a more peaceful life, and perhaps even finding a loving mate.":
Eliminating the toxic people from my life has helped immensely. Reading and using the resources and lessons available on this beautiful site have also helped in my healing process.

Regarding the loving mate, I'm not quite sure how I got lucky enough to find one. Or he found me, really. Don't get me wrong, he has his issues too, but we work well together. The only advice I can offer is to continue to work on healing yourself, and to keep an eye out for red flags in whoever you date. You may find someone, but don't be afraid to be without a romantic partner - or you will get people who will take advantage of that fear.

I hope this helps a little. Would you share more of what you experienced? You are not alone here. 

Hi there.  Also a child of two disordered people.  I;m not sure about dad, just know he's somewhere in the high functioning BPD spectrum, and mom in the lower BPD spectrum.  She's good at being the pathetic victim until you realize what's happening.  He's good at being the nice, responsible guy as long as those at home are cowed down and don't speak of the crazy that goes on behind closed doors.

They were both emotionally and physically abusive, and left bruises and marks before they learned to be careful and trained me to lie to teachers and CPS.

I have half siblings, but did not meet any of them or even talk to them until I was grown, and so grew up an only child, and they isolated me from peers, neighbors, was not allowed friends, and family lived several states away.  So I had no way other than TV to realize my home life was not normal.  I came on here to discuss and recover from the rage I allowed myself to admit in my 30s at the overt abuse, and over time have realized that far more damaging overall was the covert abuse.  Neglect, parentification, "covert sexual abuse", and just all around having no care or concept of what is appropriate for a child at any age, unrealistic expectations of independence while forcing reliance to keep me enmeshed, it was all a mess.

Their marriage finally dissolved into evictions, regular murder-suicide threats from dad and attempts from mom, until he tossed me into a car and took me to the start i=of his own disorders - my grandparents I'd not met.  I was 15 and finally big enough to physically intervene, but terrified of both of them. 

My mom also abused her sleeping pills, mostly she loved Seconal, and would lie to MDs in the 80s to get as much as she could.  She was in bed much of my childhood, and I was to take care of her, not bother her, get myself dressed and to school from age 5 forward.  All my chores were dependent on how tall I could be - if I could reach on a stool, I was tall enough to cook, do laundry, mow the lawn, whatever they did not want to do.  My "stranger danger" lessons were graphic stories about kids like Adam Walsh and being forced to watch TV movies about abductions and child-murder.  I guess they thought this was responsible parenting with me being a latchkey kid even though mom was home, just unconscious.  I found her face-planted in the yard a few times, and inside a few times, passed out.  She "killed" several stop signs while driving on her meds, so Dad's solution was to teach the 11 year old to drive instead of getting his wife cleaned up.  These ae just extreme examples of bad decisions they made based on their disordered thinking.  There are many others, some more explosvie, some more mundane, but overall, it was not a good house to be in, alone as a child.

My H is another reason I found this site, but I have realized through being in here that his BPD-tendencies are several orders of magnitude less than what I grew up with, that my co-dependency is part of what drew us together, and that using the tools here, we've been able to overall improve both our reactions to triggers. Most of the time he would be more exhibiting fleas from having a hoarding mom, but every now and then a full on rage can pop up.  But overall, I do feel our relationship is working for us, and he has supported me as I try to find my way through my childhood issues, even if his impaired empathy means he can't really understand it. 

I am NC with both parents, and it's helped me a lot to be able to be in my own mind at all times, instead of having them barge in and demand space in there.  even phone conversations with mom are so hard, as I spent so much of my life as her guardian and caretaker, from such a young age the wiring is hard to defeat.  So we do not talk, and I am healing a little at a time.  Memories come abck as my brain thinks I can handle them, and I come here whrn it's hard. 

I hope coming here helps - it's helped me. 

My father also used me as a dumping receptacle for all the things he didn't like about himself.  The very fact that I looked like him caused me to be the scapegoat of the family.  My two sisters were able to not only escape his abuse but have a loving relationship into adulthood.  They regularly interact and vacation with him. I am regularly excluded from extended family trips and events from that side of the family.  When I am included my father cannot make direct eye contact with me and rarely says more than a couple of sentences to me.  His covert favortism of my younger sister (the golden child) still pains me to this day.

I did get a good psychiatrist and overcame a lot of trust issues and I have a wonderful husband and very well adjusted son. But when a big career loss happened I had another crisis and am in therapy once again.