BPDFamily.com

Advice needed please!

I was in a relationship for 7 years with someone who clearly had BPD. The relationship was fantastic, exhilarating and exciting (you all know this!) but extremely damaging for me. I was jealous, paranoid, basically a different person to who i am now. I started seeing a work colleague just over two years ago. He is wonderful and everything my ex wasn't. Reliable, normal, doesn't flirt with everyone in sight and a really nice guy. His family are wonderful and I can really see a future with him and we've talked about this too.

I cut off just about all contact with my ex, blocked him on Facebook as I couldn't cope with seeing his life without me and still felt paranoid if he interacted with girls on there (part of the extreme paranoia I had at the time but definitely don't have now!)

My slight issue is this - I am plagued by recurring dreams about him even now, years later which make me feel terrible and bring back all the (mainly good feelings). I have to remind myself over and over again why we broke up. Even though I am happy with someone else now there is still a bit of him that is haunting me.

Anyway, I've texted him. I think self imposing this ban on contacting him is making it into a big thing in my head.  I feel incredibly guilty, but I told him I thought about him a lot still and I apologised for contacting him. He was very nice and said he thought it was perfectly natural as we were such a big part of each other's lives for so long.

I've asked to speak to him and he is ringing me later. I am beating myself up over this as I have a lovely boyfriend who I would never cheat on by the way. I just intend for the conversation to be a friendly catch-up by the way, nothing else.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?  At all?

Thanks in advance for your help.

Hi Lizzie,

It sounds like your intentions are innocent. One thing to consider though is how your boyfriend would feel if he knew you were talking to your ex.

I think I can relate to your situation. My exfiance was pretty much my first love, so it was quite the whirlwind. It ended abruptly just about a month after our wedding shower... .after about 9 months together. We got engaged after 4 months but we talked about it very early in the r/s. Everything seemed very normal during the wedding shower. Several of my friends talked about how much chemistry we had. Just a few days later she was going out with a co-worker but something seemed off about it. She seemed like she was trying to throw it in my face... .almost wanting me to start something. Looking back, I think she had started distancing herself from me and spending more time with the co-worker. She was trying to get me to be the one to destroy the relationship.

I had a really hard time getting over the abrupt (inexplicable) ending. She would get upset it seemed when people would say how nice I was and how good we looked as a couple. Makes no sense, right? I searched and searched and found BPD info and that seemed to hit the nail on the head. I even joined a BPD group and found a pwBPD who blogged a lot and helped me write her a letter. She agreed to meet with me but it still seemed like she had some animosity toward me for some reason, so I didn't follow through. We emailed back and forth a bit. Sometimes it would be weeks or months before I heard back from her. Once she finally just completely went off on me and I gave it up. I realized that her feelings and how she responded to me did not have anything to do with me (at least a reasonable reality to me). I'm in a better place now and it doesn't affect me nearly as much, but I have to say I still don't go that many days without thinking about it. I'm married to a woman who is very sweet and kind and loving. Sometimes I find myself waiting for the other shoe to fall, but it gets easier.

It's been 6 years almost to the day since my exfiance broke up with me. It doesn't weigh on me nearly as much as I used to. I don't think it would bother me to communicate with her. I just don't think it would serve any good to talk to her or email her. It didn't seem like she had any concern for my feelings or needs. It was always all about her. It doesn't seem like she handles any kind of relationship or life responsibility very well. Compassion was my hook for her... .based on my childhood and history shouldn't be surprising. I've realized it's better for me to keep my distance as much as possible so I don't hurt my r/s with my wife. Someday I might talk to her again in a friendly way, but I don't think I'll be the one who initiates the conversation. She'll have to have the nerve to risk herself, so I doubt it will ever happen.

Seven years is a long time to be with someone. I can understand why you'd want to be able to be civil. Maybe you'll have a better experience than I did.

Hey Lizzie, What's the real reason you are reaching out to your BPDxBF?  What would you like to see happen?  Perhaps that will help you to figure out why you want to dip your toe back in the BPD pond.  Those waters are dangerous and treacherous.  Suggest you proceed w/caution.

LuckyJim

Hi Lizzie3,

I think I know what you mean about wanting to break the "wall of silence" as a way to free yourself from any remaining hooks with regard to the relationship. I do think that sometimes NC can become this kind of behemoth that looms over us as we try to process our grief. There was a time when I wanted to break NC precisely because it started to feel like a "wall" that I was hiding behind for protection, instead of a boundary/decision that fit with my values.

It takes courage to deal with that head on, and I think that having this conversation will at least give you information about your detachment. Your feelings before, during, and after the contact will show you any remaining issues that might still be tugging at your heart.

That said, I do agree with  C<|||  Lucky Jim, and recommend that you explore your reasons for reaching out and proceed with caution. As I mentioned above, I say this as someone who felt I had let go, reached out with the same innocent intentions as you, and allowed myself to get swept back into the whirlwind—with devastating results, of course.    Mind you, we hadn't been in NC for more than three months at the time, so you have more time under your belt, and a new partner. Nevertheless, time is NOT necessarily the deciding factor in detachment, in my view; it's how well you've processed the issues that most needed your attention.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. I'm happy you have found a healthy relationship now. Savor it and tend to it! 

heartandwhole

Lizzie,

I've experiences similar things with the dreams... .it was my understanding that it was my mind doing some housekeeping, getting rid of the damaging parts of the memories.  This leads me to questioning why you would want to contact him?  They're not capable of healthy reconciliation, and it's my opinion that you're jeopardizing your current relationship, if your boyfriend doesn't know you're connecting.  My opinion, moving on can only be done if we leave all of the relationship in the past... .he's not going to bid you a fond farewell.  Good luck on your journey.

Buff

Hi Lizzie3 and heartandwhole,

I wanted to join this conversation, because I feel like it speaks to me. I have been out of touch with D, essentially, since March 2015. Things ended in a very ugly way. I dropped contact because he lashed out at me one last time, and then neither of us tried to fix the bad feelings that were left over. (There was one exchange six months later about deleting a blog, but it was extremely short and polite and impersonal--one email from me, one in response from him, all business.)

At first, I stayed quiet because I was traumatized and embarrassed and heartbroken. Then I thought I might ride it out and wait and he would feel his wish for space had been respected and he would contact me. Then I encountered bpdfamily and kept hearing encouragements to stay NC for my own healing, which I did. It's been quite a while. I know now that the relationship we lost had no future, and my feelings for him have changed a whole lot. Sometimes I think he's fading away, but sometimes it feels like he's become a mythical scary phantom that hides under my bed, and having some post-relationship contact would put him in perspective.

The thing that stops me isn't a fear of getting sucked back in. If he wanted that, he would have reached out by now. I'm afraid he will lash out at me again; or that he won't, but that I'll have a setback anyhow. I feel stuck between these two impulses: to confront the beastie or to protect myself.

Can I go on for a bit here?

I had an itinerant childhood that included a couple of years when my mother and I lived in a remote farming community with the man who became my stepfather. There was no overt abuse or anything--he was just a harmless eccentric drunk who didn't like me. The period ended with me moving in with my aunt at age 12, so it was the last time I lived with my mother. She left the farm not long after, and the whole episode became part of the inaccessible past. For about thirty years, it stayed there in my imagination, exerting a vague psychic force. Thoughts of the place were a mix of nostalgia and dread. After a while, it almost seemed like I had imagined the farm and the people I knew there. and then about five years ago something impelled me to go back and visit. Everyone on the road remembered me from thirty years earlier. My stepfather was gone, and a young family had moved into our old farmhouse. I reconnected with the things that I'd loved about the place, and more importantly, I reexperienced it as real, quotidian, good and bad, and as something that had no power to harm me. Maybe that's what I hope for in reconnecting with D.

Good mental health is hard and it often boils down to making good decisions at critical junctures. Often where we go wrong is to have unhealthy desires (which is normal) and then act on them (which is problematic).

You have a series of those types of decisions here (I'm not being critical, btw, you are in good company here  *) ) and I think the challenge is to recognize this and take a mentally healthy approach to them.

What might include at this point?

1. Be very clear to yourself on what is healthy topics and what are unhealthy topics and stay with your script - be strong.

Want to know none relationship stuff, like how is the mother and the job - that's mentally healthy territory. Want to apologize for the infidelity and the harsh breakup - that's mentally healthy territory. 

Want validation that you are still a good person - that's not so appropriate. Want to talk about your feeling - that's not so appropriate.   Want to friends without your boyfriends involvement - that's not so appropriate.

2. Be very careful with your own character here.

If you respect your boyfriend, you would trust him to be part of this decision as you would expect the same in return.

If you are remorseful of how the breakup was handled and how much that messed with his head (it did, big time), manage this call so that the ex feels good about himself afterward - not perplexed or mislead or used to sooth your emotions.

Tall order, I know.

Good mental health is hard and it often boils down to making good decisions at critical junctures. Often where we go wrong is to have unhealthy desires (which is normal) and then act on them (which is problematic).

This is a test of who you are in many ways. Rise to it!

Interesting. Keep us updated!

Lizzie,

In your attempt to put some meaning to the dreams I might ask you to take a hard look at your current relationship in the event something that is or is not occurring in it might be the cause of the dreams. 

When a person is about to die they often take one last big gasp of breath. It's the brains very last effort to cling on to life before the lights go out.

I very much believe this is the same thing with these dreams. It's the sub-conscious way of clinging on to the attachment before it dies.

It's a shame you contacted him as you were probably going through the last stages of detachment.

You are sub-communicating more than the words you type as you are clearly not over your ex. Maybe you need one more recycle to really break the bond.

After all "nothing cures a fantasy like a quick dose of reality"

That was very honest feedback, good job.