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Ok, there are days that I'm my own worst enemy getting caught in white lies.  Yesterday is a prime example, I have an hour window to have a beer after work with a friend and hear about a trip he just got back from... .and I see my phone ring and it's my uBPD/NPDw... .and my conditioned thought response is 'she's going to be pissed that I'm going to do this'.  So like a dumb@$$ I pick up the phone and tell her I'm running back to the office for a 1/2 hour... .and she pushes and says 'really... .and that's it?' so I come clean and tell her I'm going back to grab my briefcase then grab a quick beer.  I know, my bad, but I can't help it as I'm always freaking out that she's going to be pissed at me... .and of course now she is, I'm a @#$%& liar, I can't be trusted, I'm a cheat, a creep... .well, you get the gist.  And of course this is the devaluation phase so she picks up the phone, drops a bunch of text and talks to whomever will listen about what a liar I am... .

Today I am making a conscious decision to NEVER do that again.  I'm almost 50 years old, I'm done being afraid of telling her when I want to see a friend, I'm going to be 100% above board and if she's pissed so be it, at least it won't be for something I created.

Frustrated today... .maybe this will be the straw that broke the camels back and the final devaluation will start... .and I can't say this time that I didn't add to it...

NS

Wow. I can actually relate to this. I use to lie about a lot of small things. Little white lies. It became quite a problem. I "just like you" would often blame other people for my lies. I noticed you said you lied because you don't want to piss her off. Its kinda putting the blame on her. But the truth is you have a choice to tell the truth and she has a choice of how she reacts. I got into some serious trouble in past relationships and even this relationship with lies. Its extremely hard but you can force yourself to change the way you are. For me it was soo hard and I realized I lied because I wanted to manipulate how people thought of me. I wanted to hide behind a story no matter what it was. I wasn't this person I was telling people. I lied to people to make them think I was more exciting, more moral, smarter, less of a partier, more of a partier etc... .I tailored my response depending on the person. What you have to realize is its ALL INSECURITY. Your not confident in yourself enough to tell the truth. That's it. Don't blame the other person. Its all your fault. One thing I LOVE about my current relationship and have learned is to be honest and confident in my own decisions. I had problems with lying to my BPD GF but she was like a detective that would find out everything. I realized I couldn't hide the truth. She lied a lot too and I found out some things I didn't like. So we decided to go 100% truth and we use GPS apps so we know where each other is and cameras around the house etc... .Sounds nuts and it probably is BUT it has taught me to be 100% honest. I have nothing to hide.

In the case of the beer. You know there is nothing wrong with grabbing a beer with your friend. If you think she will flip out its no excuse to lie. Its better to be honest with her and if she flips out then shes in the wrong. Just my opinion.

jrharvey,

Interesting take for sure and yes I completely agree that a 100% truth policy is the ONLY way to go.  I only have myself to blame for painting myself into these corners and this time she does have a right to be upset because yes I stretched the truth to serve myself, whether that's trying to avoid upsetting her or not... .it's wrong.

Thanks for the feedback!

NS

You can strive toward a positive or avoid a negative.

The first negative act is lying, but that's not really the source.
The root negative is walking on eggshells--being afraid that you will be subjected to abuse for telling the truth / choosing to do something that you want to do.

A positive way of describing it would be telling yourself that you have a new boundary. (Note, you don't have to actually tell her about it, just live it; she will figure it out!)

"I will spent time with my friends."
-or-
"I will not let my my wife keep me from spending time with my friends."

Note--that doesn't mean there is no give and take about how you spend your time, for any reason. That is harsh and inflexible. That said, being "reasonable" and "accommodating" when your wife is not just won't work--Finding reasons to keep you away from outside people, coworkers, friends, and family is part of the abusive package. You need to stand firm or you won't have anybody else in your life.

A other aspects of this kind of boundary... .your wife doesn't need to know everything you do every minute of every day. If you are coming home later than she expects, yeah, you should tell her that. If she asks you about your lunch, and you had it with a friend, don't lie about it. Chances are this has shifted waaaaaaay too far in the other direction, so staking out territory back where it is reasonable is going to be a struggle. But well worth it!

A lot of us tend to be people pleasers who are conflict avoidant. It's hard to change old habits!

I notice you are pretty hard on yourself about this stuff.

Sometimes, we also behave badly when we feel like behaving well doesn't seem to make a difference in how others treat us.

Real change takes sustained effort over a long time, and backsliding is normal, and human, and to be expected.

It sounds to me like you were being human  :)

Thank you livednlearned, I really do think I've been trying my damnedest to make this work and somehow it always get spun right back in my lap.  My uBPD/NPDw has an amazing ability to spin things, I have confronted her in the face of a rage or other situation and by the time she is done pulling up 100 things from the past and weaving them all together I almost believe I deserve what I'm getting... .

Thanks for the kind words, I haven't heard many in a while.

NS