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Title: My own worst enemy... Post by: NewStart on October 26, 2016, 09:37:25 AM Ok, there are days that I'm my own worst enemy getting caught in white lies. Yesterday is a prime example, I have an hour window to have a beer after work with a friend and hear about a trip he just got back from... .and I see my phone ring and it's my uBPD/NPDw... .and my conditioned thought response is 'she's going to be pissed that I'm going to do this'. So like a dumb@$$ I pick up the phone and tell her I'm running back to the office for a 1/2 hour... .and she pushes and says 'really... .and that's it?' so I come clean and tell her I'm going back to grab my briefcase then grab a quick beer. I know, my bad, but I can't help it as I'm always freaking out that she's going to be pissed at me... .and of course now she is, I'm a @#$%& liar, I can't be trusted, I'm a cheat, a creep... .well, you get the gist. And of course this is the devaluation phase so she picks up the phone, drops a bunch of text and talks to whomever will listen about what a liar I am... .
Today I am making a conscious decision to NEVER do that again. I'm almost 50 years old, I'm done being afraid of telling her when I want to see a friend, I'm going to be 100% above board and if she's pissed so be it, at least it won't be for something I created. Frustrated today... .maybe this will be the straw that broke the camels back and the final devaluation will start... .and I can't say this time that I didn't add to it... NS Title: Re: My own worst enemy... Post by: schwing on October 26, 2016, 01:14:14 PM Hi NewStart,
It might be helpful for you to consider that when people with BPD (pwBPD) have their episodes, they're just looking for an excuse to express the feelings that they are already experiencing. For example, when your uBPD/NPDw is calling you out of the blue, she's probably already experiencing her anxiety that she will be abandoned by you; that's why she's calling: to check up on you. There's nothing that you can do to alleviate her from her anxiety (she's going to experience it no matter what). Even if you are exactly where you're "supposed" to be, she will still continue to experience her disordered feelings. Your white lies are just serving as lightning rods for her storms. She's just looking for *any* excuse why she's feeling the way she feels. Because for her, it is a whole lot better to blame her feelings on someone else's behavior (even if it's only imagined), than to consider that maybe, just maybe, there's something not quite right with her feelings. And at some point her disordered feelings are going to be so pent up that she will just make up reasons why you are causing her to feel the way she feels. Or else she will find someone else to blame. Best wishes, Schwing |