Print Page - Going NC with BPD mother after alcoholic father's death

Ok, where to start this novel? A little about me first, I'm a 42yo woman, married to the same man for 17 years (been together for 20), we have 2 amazing children, 14yo boy and 11yo girl. I suffer from fibromyalgia, high blood pressure, narcolepsy and PLMD (another sleep disorder that causes my limbs to jerk around while I sleep) and stress of course exacerbates all of these conditions. I also have really bad eyesight so night driving is rather difficult even with my contacts or glasses. I also had seriously injured my foot right before Christmas this past year when I suffered a partial tear of my peroneal tendon causing intense pain and making it difficult to walk and especially to drive.

My alcoholic father passed away on March 18th of this year. He was only 61yo. He was by no means an angry, mean drunk. He was a sad, self medicating drunk who I think at times really tried to be a better person. He went through a period in life where he "thought" he was homosexual. His thinking not mine. I knew from a pretty young age that my dad was gay. My mom slapped once when I was 15 for speaking that truth out loud to her. He died peacefully in his sleep next to my mother after drinking too much vodka with his morphine and whatever other drugs the VA had him on due to a back injury that he suffered during his active duty in the Navy.

He suffered a great deal of physical pain due to spinal stenosis and had a significant amount of nerve damage which left him with a pretty severe drop foot and a limp. His pain worsened after a botched spinal laminectomy in 2008 at the VA hospital in Raleigh.

He was not a great father or man but he did his best and tried over the years to make amends for his mistakes. He would always sincerely apologize and I believed him every time that he meant it when he said sorry or I love you or anything. He had his fair share of hateful moments and we were never really that close but it was what it was.

The first words out of my mouth the morning that my husband came into the room after getting the call from their next door neighbors that morning were "Well here we go. The ___ just got real." Because my initial thoughts and feelings were not shock, heartbreak, loss, or sadness. It was survival mode. It was delay of any of my own feelings because I had less than 1 hour before I was going to be at my mother's house and as my husband said, she was going to be starring in her very own one woman show, O God my husband died, look at me, it's all about me, what about me, somebody take care of me.

In the pit of my stomach I knew that day that this was the beginning of the end for me. I had already taken a step back and had been LC with both of my parents for more than a year. That LC got even more scarce on Jan 1, 2016 after my father fell down the stairs at their home while my children were there spending the night for New Years. My mother was in all her usual glory that night and scared, especially my daughter, by screaming that he was dead. Opening up their front door and screaming into the neighborhood at 1 am, somebody help me, he's dead... .You get the picture. Drama, drama, drama. All the while my 14yo son has to take control of the situation and tell her to call 911, don't move him, attended to his traumatized sister, called me. I told you... I have AMAZING kids.

By the time we arrived to their house less than 30 minutes later thank god she had left with my dad in the ambulance to the hospital. And while I tended to my traumatized children and dealt with my own shock and adrenaline she was calling every few minutes to tell me that she could not do this alone. I needed to get to the hospital to comfort her, blah, blah, guilt, blah, blah.

My husband in all of his infinite wisdom and zen said "Hell NO. You are not driving 40 minutes to the hospital, alone on New Year's eve at 2 am! I'm going to take a nap for an hour or so then I'll go and sit with her. Our kids need you more than she does!" He's brilliant and I would be nowhere without him.

Of course she was not happy with that suggestion. I obviously did not tell her that he was taking a nap before he left, that would have really amped it up. But he went, he sat silently in the room with her while my dad tried to come around from a really nasty concussion and she added fuel to fire with anxiety and poor me routine.

A few hours later, after less than 2 hours of sleep I gathered up my kids, their 2 dogs and their cat and took everyone home to my house. I fed my kids, told my husband to leave her at the hospital and that I would go down there in a couple of hours. It was a long day but I made my way there sometime around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I had had very little sleep.

My mother also suffers from the same conditions as me in addition to her insulin dependent type 2 diabetes and all of its complications. She does not "like" to drive and would rather force everyone around her to rearrange their lives to get her to her numerous appointments and errands. My father was basically her primary caretaker even though she is only 61yo and is more than capable of doing things for herself. So of course she wanted me to drive her back to her house, then drive back to the hospital to sit up all night with my dad, because someone needed to be with him at all times.

Even though I knew how difficult and potentially dangerous that would be I was still going to be the devoted daughter and do it anyway. However, when I told the nurses that they informed me that they would have to put my dad in restraints because he was still very confused and kept trying to get out of bed. He was just trying to relieve his pain (he rarely slept in a bed anymore, usually in his recliner or on the sofa because it was just too painful) but my mom did not want that so of course it was well tell (my husband) that he'll have to come and get me and take me home. I refused to do that. I told her he had not slept all night and that the kids needed someone to stay with them. I told her that her options were to pay the $30 or $40 for an Uber or drive herself home. Of course there was much wailing and complaining before she relented to drive herself home.

I stayed with my dad until about 10:30 that night. He was confused and agitated but even through his concussed haze he kept telling me to go home and be with my kids, that he was sorry for causing so much drama and he knew that I was in pain. It seemed to me that once my mother left he got much more relaxed and I knew that he was not getting enough pain meds but after a while I relented and my husband came and got me and I went home. I did not tell my mother! My father was too confused to remember specifics and with his bedside rails up and the lights up he finally slept.

The next morning was when the ___ really hit the fan. My mother had been home, gotten some sleep and she was itching to unleash her pain, anxiety and nastiness on her favorite target - ME. Now of course this was not the first time or even the worst time but something in me had changed. I had distanced myself from both of them after her open heart surgery in October 2014. She was just a peach when my dad and I told her she was going to have to go to rehab after surgery. That was a special sort of gaslighting that day. It was however, the only time that I recall my dad ever taking my side and holding my hand and telling me to leave because I didn't deserve to be treated that way.

However, this day he wasn't there to take any bullets for me. He wasn't there and she got nasty. She brought up things I did when I was 4yo that hurt her feelings. She tried to break me into a million pieces because I did not go to the hospital the night my dad fell to hold her hand and comfort her, instead I chose my children.

That's right, that's the moment, the clarity was beyond crystal clear. It's the moment I realized that she would expect me to take my father's place in her life if he died and I would have to choose her over my own children. I had led her to believe with my concern over her countless illnesses and hospitalizations of sitting at her side and telling her that I loved her, when I was sure that this was the time that she was going to die only to have her rally over and over again for the past 5 years, that I must be willing to give up my life to devote to hers?

My husband listened to my side of the conversation, he listened for one of the first times in our 20 year relationship as I defended my 4yo self and as I cried when she accused me of being a bad mother regardless of what I did in that one moment. She accused me of not disciplining my daughter at Christmas, mother was sinking to new lows. She was now accusing my sweet, shy introverted little girl of telling her that she hated her. I was standing right there when at Christmas she had wanted to get a picture of the 2 of them together and my little goof was making funny faces instead of being the mirrored perfect doll that grandma wanted her to be. This is DD new way of dealing with uncomfortable feelings, she usually wears some sort of hoodie or anime costume to keep herself all covered up and I am fine with that. I was painfully shy as a little girl and I know she'll gain her confidence as she gets older just like her mother has. But not grandmother, she cannot abide not getting her way, especially from a child who should bend to her will at any cost.

So instead I stood and allowed my mother to lean over her and intimidate her while she whispered guilt inducing nonsense into her ear. I relived that moment as she berated me on the phone that day and as she lied about my daughter's reaction to her. Then she hung up on me at after screaming that she never wanted to speak to me again. Only to call back to say nevermind, you are still useful to me forget what I said are you coming back here to get me and take me to the hospital or do I have to drive myself again.

My dad obviously recovered somewhat after that. I took a long vacation from them due to the fact that I aggravated my foot so badly by not adhering to the no weight bearing instructions of the doctors I was placed on six to eight weeks of bed rest and a walking boot. Divine intervention? She was left to her own devices and had to hire outside help, drive him around you get the picture.

So after that long hiatus and not speaking to them much on the phone either because I just chose not to. I never went back to more than maybe every other week visits if that and very little phone conversation. I realized then how suffocating being around them had become. I realized how very little they knew about me. I began to want more than ever to extricate myself from all of it.

So on the morning that my father died I did my duty. I went to her house, I sat with her, I took care of her. Never once did she say to me I'm so sorry you lost your dad. Never once did she ask how I was doing. Her best friend and next door neighbor was there with us as well and I excused myself quietly to cry alone while I changed the sheets on the bed and made her lunch and changed her dr's appointments.

The next few days were awful but my brother was at her house with his wife and my almost 2 year old nephew whom I had never met before because I have never been invited to their house with my family. I typically only see them once or twice a year and since the baby had been born my parents would go to their house to visit instead of them coming here. That is also probably the last time I will see my nephew unless my brother can see past my need for NC with dear mother someday.

So those few days were not great but bearable. She had already started to make plans to put all of her assets into my brother's name by the day after my dad died at which I regrettably reacted badly by stating my confusion about "tax savings" considering that my husband and I would be in a much lower tax bracket because we don't own anything except for our 2 cars. I knew immediately that I had added fuel to the fire for the accusation of, "See I told you she was just using us for money!". That is another post, for another day, in any case I quickly shut myself down and apologized profusely to both my mother and brother when I realized they were talking about trying to hide her assets in case she had to go to a nursing home someday in which case I happily stated please do that and leave me out of it.

My parents are not rich by any stretch of the imagination but they have a nice home with a lot of nice things and some small life insurance policies. I have never imagined that I was going to be a millionaire someday but I guess I had considered that maybe there might be something left over to make life a little easier. And I can honestly say that I did do things for them towards the end of my dad's life more because I needed to the extra $100 or so that it might get me every month. I did ask for money twice - less than $1000 total and my dad never hesitated and he never mentioned it again. Any other money I got from him was offered and it infuriated her to no end. He gave me a gas card which I used sparingly usually twice a month max.

The morning after my brother left for home was the first big blow out, when she was gaslighting me about trying to make her look crazy for wanting to go to the doctor for routine follow ups and lab work the day after my dad died. I took it for several minutes but the out and out lying and misrepresentation of the truth was just too much to bear. I told her to shut up, I told her to stop putting her ___ on me and that I was not going to put up with it. I told her that I would not be her punching bag, that I would not allow myself to be treated so badly by her anymore.

I tried to talk to her and tell her that I was grieving too, I tried to make her see that I was in pain too. She didn't care, she has it worse. She's the widow, I need to get help and get counseling. It's not normal to treat people the way I treat her. She's sick and old and grieving, she can't help it. Besides I didn't even want to spend mother's day with her! What the heck?

She said my dad worried that no one would be there to take care of them when they needed someone someday. She said he told her that he knew that no one would be there for her if anything ever happened to him and that is true because I told him that straight up several times. Just like he told me that if she died before him he wouldn't live much longer because he would kill himself because he didn't want to live anymore anyway.

But I didn't tell her that he said that. Instead I told her that I haven't spent mother's day with her in years and that I have no use for the guilt and anxiety that that holiday brings to me every year. I told her it was a commercialized, cliche, antiquated idea that I don't want to celebrate. I told her I spend plenty of "days" with her and that I showed her each and every day how much I loved, cared and respected her. And that that should mean more to her than some calendar holiday that tells us all we have to show her how much we love her by spending money I don't have! I let a lot of stuff fly that morning. I told her that my blood pressure had been dangerously high for days and that she needed to lay off or she was going to kill me too. I cried, she feigned some forced concern when I told her I had things to do and had to go.

She called again later that afternoon to let me have it about mother's day and then laid on me that I was probably the reason that my dad died, he died with a broken heart because he knew how little I really cared about either of them. I was more crushed than I ever remember being. She has always been cruel, said hurtful things but this was beyond. I just got quiet. I realized I had nothing more to say to her because I realized she doesn't care about anyone but herself. I know that my truth probably hurt her too. I know that this was all a long time coming and regretted not handling it better. I don't remember how that conversation ended. I know that I continued to try to have some sort of very cordial relationship with her over the next 2 months.

I took her to the emergency room and sat with her when the doctor flat out told her all of her physical symptoms were in her head because they could find nothing wrong with her this time either, even though she knew she was dying. I ran her errands, took her to dr's appts. Brought her to my house to stay once but she refused to do that again because our spare bed is just not comfortable enough for her and our dog is just too big and physical for her.

I refused to allow her to come to my daughter's birthday party because my daughter told me she did not want her there. She had made that request before my dad's death and I was not going to give in just because she was holding her grief over my head.

We had several other strained conversations, she accused me of trying to take everything from her and leave her penniless when I mentioned my knowledge about the interstate laws of our state when someone dies without a will while acknowledging that I knew nothing about her state. (We live close to each other but just across the border of neighboring states) When she needed to have a paper signed relinquishing my claim to any of their mutual property she used that covert passive aggressive I know you don't want to do this for me because you're a hateful, greedy little b___ but I really need you to sign it while adding that my brother had to sign one as well but she knew he would have no problem doing it for her! (Eyeroll, puke, what the frick ever!)

I held out with her for those next couple of months because I really hoped she was going to go and stay with my brother and his family for a while and then I would have a break from her and I could maybe recharge to go a little longer with her. But that did not happen and on July 18th I had had enough when she started railing again about my children, my parenting, recreating the mother's day conversation to have taken place now before my dad died solidifying for her recreation that if not for my bad behavior he wouldn't have been so depressed and worried about her and probably wouldn't have been drinking with his medication. And when I for some reason tried to remind her that we did not have that conversation until after his death she laid into me that I was nothing but "a little liar". I would lie about anything to get my way just ask her neighbors and friends! Huh?

And here is straw that broke the camel's back and any desire I had to try to continue a relationship with her. She was railing about how I had take a pamphlet that the Coroner's office had left for her from her house. I had taken with her knowledge the night that my dad died. Her friend, who is also her home health care nurse had handed it to me and told me I would probably want to handle it for her.

Well in taking that pamphlet, when apparently she did not want me to, and which I promptly returned to her the very next morning by the way, and for which her friend and neighbor denied asking me to handle for her, I had angered everyone and been labeled an untrustworthy, thieving, lying, horrible human being. I had killed my father... .I stopped her dead. Told her I was done, for good, she should not contact me ever again and that she could consider me no longer one of her children because no mother, no matter how grief stricken would ever, ever, ever treat their child this way.

I hung up and have had any contact with her other than to answer a text message the following day telling her to please not contact me any further that our relationship was not healthy for either one of us. When she asked for her house key to be returned several weeks later I sent it in an envelope with no other acknowledgement of any kinds.

Of course her barrage of phone calls and text messages continued until last week when she ramped it up to the point that I finally paid AT&T for the smart limits app that allows me to block her calls. It was at that point I guess that she realized I was finally got the message and she was informed of a letter I had written to my brother. I had not blocked her on Facebook because I think somewhere in me I thought maybe, just maybe, there was the slightest chance that she might actually at some point make a stab at a real apology instead of the guilt ridden, sob stories where she takes no responsibility and wonders why I can no longer go along to get along like nothing ever happened.

This is that letter which I sent to both him and my sister in law.

This letter to both of you is very overdue. I have been struggling to find a way to put into words what I feel I need to say to both of you. I hope that you will both reserve any judgement until after you have read this letter. First and foremost I apologize that I have not worked harder to have a closer relationship with both of you over all these years. I wish that I could go back and do things very differently. Now that my relationship with mom has become so broken I know that it will become even more difficult to reconcile a relationship with the two of you and your son.

I feel I owe you an explanation for why I have felt the need to discontinue contact with mom but I will not go into specifics about what she has said or what specifically has happened. She and I know the things that she has said, how she has acted and reacted and those are things that I expect her to honestly and sincerely to own and seek repentance and forgiveness for her bad, toxic behavior. I hope you both know that I do not and am not taking or making this decision lightly. I am not making these decisions or changes out of anger or spite. I love my mother and have tried over my lifetime to have a meaningful, loving relationship with her. I will always care about her and pray for her and continue to wish her well however, right now I can only do those things without a physical relationship with her in my life.

I did not want our relationship to end this way or at this time. I know that she is going through a very emotional time and I really have tried to be very patient with her. I am more than willing to be patient and overlook and forgive the occasional outburst due to exhaustion, grief, or illness. What I cannot continue to live with is constant turmoil and crisis in my day to day life. I cannot continue to be berated, guilted and emotionally manipulated. Her pain, grief and exhaustion do not trump my feelings or need for respect and boundaries. I can no longer allow her to affect my marriage or my health. I am no longer willing to allow myself to be pulled into her cloud of negativity at the cost of my own mental and emotional health.

I have no idea what kinds of things you have heard about me or what kinds of feelings either of my parents have about my relationship with them and how much of that has been discussed between all of you, but I have a feeling a great deal of it has spilled over into whatever relationship I have with you guys now. I also take a lot of responsibility for not making more of an effort to be a part of your lives. I feel that it has been nearly impossible to have a relationship with you guys without mom's involvement and so I have distanced myself in an effort to protect myself and in so doing I have created a huge chasm in my life without you guys in it.

I wish that I had not allowed my dysfunctional relationship with both mom and dad to affect the relationship I could have had with your family. My hope in writing this letter is that you might understand a little better where I am coming from and that I can open a dialogue between us to try to talk about life, kids, God, whatever... .Of course I understand completely how much more difficult this will become given the current set of circumstances.

I can only hope that you guys will try to understand and believe me when I say that this has not been an easy decision for me. I am in no way saying that I do not have responsibility here or that I am blameless in any way. I admit that I have been distant emotionally and physically from mom for some time now and that I do not have a close "best friend" relationship with her in any way. I own my reactions and feelings in regards to her behavior and that I have a lot of walls up when it comes to trying to have a relationship with her. I have accepted that she is who she is and that I can't change her but I have also come to the very difficult and saddening realization that I also cannot have her in my life. I readily admit that I have done a lot for her out of a feeling of only obligation. I readily admit that I do not have a desire to spend time with her. I have a lot of unresolved deep internalized pain that stems from my relationship with both her and dad. I have tried to talk to her about some of these things but so far most of the things that I have talked to her about have just been turned around on me or used against me when she feels like pushing my buttons. I would never in a million years say to my children some of the things that she has said to me let alone some of the things that she has said since dad died. Her behavior has been over the top and I am unwilling to accept half hearted apologies anymore only to have her behave well for a week or two before she decides to blow up at me again.

I will understand completely if you can't understand my decision. I understand completely if you feel like you can no longer have a relationship with me. I understand and will accept whatever you think or feel about what I have said. The hardest part of this decision is knowing that I may very well lose what little relationship that I still have with your family. I understand that this is compounding her already palpable grief over losing dad. I understand that it may seem like I am asking too much of a mentally, emotionally unstable person to take my feelings and needs into consideration when she is in so much pain. I understand that it may seem like I am being cold, harsh or unfeeling but I don't feel like I am responsible for her feelings or emotions. I can only control my feelings and my life. I am not responsible for her health, her happiness or her mental and emotional health. I do not in any way expect you to take sides. I do not expect you to to try to mediate or help to heal my relationship with her.

I just wanted to let you know how very important you are as my brother, my sister in law and the parents of my only nephew. I wanted you to know how very much you both mean to me no matter how often we talk or see each other. I value whatever time I have spent with you and hope that no matter what the future holds that you both know I am grieving this loss and how it will affect our relationship.

I love you both very much.

And I sent it and never heard a word from anyone about it. That was 2 months ago. But at least now I know that they definitely got it and that they read it and that they had no desire to reach out to me to talk about it. So for the last several days I have been mourning a lot. I have been preoccupied with so many feelings and I've been wrestling with trying to reach out again to my brother to try to tell him that I love him and that this has nothing at all to do with him, but instead of doing that today I sat down to write this introduction to you guys.

I know that I am doing the right thing, I felt a wave of relief the moment that last conversation ended. I realize I gave her more than enough fuel to burn me to to the ground, at least in the way that I imagine she will recreate all of it. I fight the constant urge to want to continue to defend myself and my words and actions but I know that she's not really presenting my words or actions just her twisted version of events.

I know too that when I told my children that we would no longer be seeing their grandma or talking to her that I watched my daughter's face wash over relief too as she admitted to me she was afraid of her. Although she would not elaborate for me what exactly that meant. Although I think I understood, my mother has a way of making you feel like maybe she would hurt you if she thought she could away with it. It's in the way her face turns and she looks at you with such hatred and contempt and the way she can turn it off when someone else walks into a room or is nearby is nothing beyond disturbing. Even as an adult I feel myself turn into a frightened, shaking little girl with no voice.

I've made it clear to my children that they are welcome to renew a relationship with their grandmother at any time if they ever want that. Of course, I would let my husband reach out to her about that if it ever happens but I'm sure that it won't. It was actually my own kids who continually pointed out to me that she did not treat me well and that I should just tell her no or not worry about her or her problems or complaints so much.

I'm finally coming to a close here and I have so very much to work through so any feedback or advice or thoughts would be helpful. I am determined to remain NC from her. I can see nothing beneficial that is going to come from any sort of reconciliation and I don't believe that I can trust a word that comes out of her mouth any longer anyway.

Thanks to any and all of you if you actually had the patience to read this cathartic, rambling rant. God Bless each and every one of you who are on the path to healing. I know it's going to be a very rocky, difficult path but nothing great is every easy!

BPDFamily.com

Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD => Topic started by: GingerMama42 on October 28, 2016, 02:53:56 PM