BPDFamily.com

I also want to know how to communicate with her and eliminate the trauma from happening but I also needed a place to explain to someone who would understand and not judge me for my opening statement.  My 15 year old has been a different child her whole life but up until about 4 or  5 years ago I thought I had it under control.  I had teachers try to tell me she needed tested for autism and she eventually was dx with ADHD and had meds for that for a while. Then 3 years ago her father had a massive heart attack and passed away suddenly.  Her father and I had been divorced for nearly a decade but she still had every other weekend visits... .it took months before she was not in a panic every time I left the house, for fear something was going to happen to me.

Fast forward to this year and she is now in high school. ... self harming (OBSESSIVELY),  had suicide attempts and chronic suicidal ideation.  She has been hospitalized 7 times this year alone... .finally got approved for residential so she has been there since the beginning of August.  Problem is this place refuses to "label" her so young... .so I don't think she gets the treatment she really could be if she was properly diagnosed.  But she continues to communicate poorly with me... .then when I say the wrong things and she decides to refuse all contact with me ... .I'm just told to wait until they can "convince " her that it's a good idea to talk to me. 

I spent the last POC meeting feeling villinized because of her refusal to have contact with me... .bc she is mad at me... .but doing great in all her other therapy. ... .did I mention that I'm a mental health professional for a living?

Hi Maresa,

Welcome and hello  :)

Multiple diagnoses make it so confusing. Have you read Blaise Aguirre's book about BPD in Adolescence? It is a puzzle to me why clinicians are reluctant to make diagnoses when they're young. When you live with BPD teen it sure seems clear, but I guess the doctors don't quite see the whole picture and don't want to rush it.

Buddha and the Borderline tells a story about a young woman who was actually dx'd BPD as a teen, but no one told her. She didn't find out until a decade later and asked to see her mental health records. Reading her story makes you realize how hard we have to advocate for good treatment. It's hard, too, being the mom. Who knows what the treatment team is thinking  

NC is so painful. Could she be using it as a way to regulate her feelings? It's often the people closest that trigger the strongest emotional reactions. Sometimes, NC can be a way for them to regulate their emotions, lacking other skills to keep themselves steady.

My SO is a physician and is on a team that deals with high-conflict patients, many of them are people with PDs. By all accounts, he feels very capable working with them and diffusing situations. And yet he feels so turned around when it comes to dealing with his BPD ex wife and uBPD/bipolar D19. I think it's easier to problem-solve and see things clearly when our own emotions aren't in play.

Do you have other kids? When do you expect D15 to come home?

I read your post and have no judgment against you at all. My 22 yo daughter has been thru years of counseling and 6 weeks of rehab when she was 15. I feel as tho I've been on an emotional roller coaster w her for a very long time. She is away at school making very reckless and impulsive choices. I had no choice to disconnect from her due to hrr heartbreaking verbal abuse. SHE has ADD

 Maressa,
I apologize my message posted before I finished. My d22 behavior is heartbreaking for me and she is refusing therapy. without contact I am calmer and more focused. I still live her and honestly don't know how to move forward. I am reluctant to discuss it w my best friend due to the fact the stigma and shame of not being a better parent or having a better ourcome. BTW I am divorced and feel mt ex has BPD issues as well.

I have 3 other kids one older who 17 and two younger who are twin 11 year olds. I have no idea when she's going to come home she's not doing much better so I imagine she'll still be in that facility for another few months at least. Part of their requirements is that she go on passes with us before she can go home and she's not even agreeing to talk with us on a regular basis yet. On the plus side I did talk to her tonight of course it was because she's not having a good day and she wanted a reason to be in a bad mood.   those were her actual words... .  at least she spoke to me. I often wonder why I punish myself... .because I expect that tonight I'll be a really bad night and maybe the first night in a long time that she'll have a hold all after she hasn't spoken to me in weeks which will just make me look that much worse... .oh look it really must be all the moms fault... .that's just how it feels, I know they really don't think that... .so why do I?


Btw... .I have read one book on BPD in adolescents but I don't remember the author. 

Wish me luck... .family session today and if all goes well we are suppose to get a pass for and hour or so to go out for lunch. She has been at this facility for 3 months and has rejected this every time in the past... .we shall see... .

Good luck  :)

I hope it goes well for you and your family

I'm thinking of you too Maresa 

WDx

It was an emotional day for me. We spent the first two hours talking to the COO of the facility who is working with her as a special case because she is so severe.  He wanted to get to know us because he had not met me and my spouse yet... .just heard about us from her perspective. ... .as you can imagine. ... .and of course he comes across to me as everyone always does... .protective of her at first and trying to explain to me what I can change in my behavior because I must be doing something wrong. ... .so I just remain silent and take it all it like an abused child until he asks her to sit outside so we can talk. I just tell him everything I can about her life growing up... .good and bad thing about us both... .I probably sounded like a total nut case and cried my eyes out through half of it. He changed by the end... .and appeared to understand and believe me. For once I think I think someone believes me that I am being emotionally abused by my child. He assigned me to work on understanding that it is not my fault. He said that he gets why I am defensive every time I'm there... .because my daughter is always blaming me... .and it always seems that the blame has been pointed at me... .but it is NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault. If I could just feel it in my heart.

The rest if the visit went fine... .we went on the pass... .went and ate indian food and walked around the mall... .got ice cream.  She insulted me and made fun of me when I wanted pictures but I swallowed it... .and let it go. Got a phone call the next night that she got into a hold... .after not having one for 3 weeks. Sigh. ... .and the cycle continues. ... .