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So here's the short story we were together for over a year. Things were okay we had our ups and downs. She is a diagnosed pwBPD. We were engaged and going to get married. Well things got really hard and I left and went no contact. 2 months passed and I wanted her back I still loved her and wanted to make it work so I reached out. I told her I wanted to meet up and talk about things and try to work on things. She said she can only be friends right now and thats all she can offer anyone right now. She had said she moved on because she didn't have a choice and that she didn't feel the same anymore. After trying to talk to her but she constantly avoided me and ignored me I told her I wasn't going to get ignored and try to make things work while she might be out with someone else. She told me that she's not trying to ignore me and that she hasn't seen anyone and jay she's just been alone trying to deal with life. She says she's not capable of fixing anything right now. She wants me to be patient with her until she's ready to start seeing me again. It's not easy. I can't figure out why she would want me to be patient if she has no intention of getting back together. Is she using me until she finds someone else? Should I just go back to no contact and hope she comes around or should I just continue trying to be friends with her for now and see if she changed her mind

It is difficult at best to understand what is going on in her head.  It is quite possible she is using you until she finds a replacement and possible she is not.  In my case, as well as many other reported cases, my ex had my "replacement" lined up months before she finally threw me away.  I don't tell you this to discourage you but rather to keep it real.

What can you do now?  IMO the only thing you can do is give her the space she asked for.  Whether you can be her "friend" during this time is something you have to decide for yourself and your own emotional health.  As important as boundaries are in a relationship, the most important ones are those we set for ourselves.  What is your own personal boundary here?

It is important to understand that if she is "not capable of fixing anything right now" then things will not change with her.  She needs to figure this out on her own, seek help on her own for her own personal benefit.  This is the journey she has to take on her own.

Hi Hopeless1992,


I think one of the more difficult aspects to accept about people with BPD (pwBPD) is that their whole attached/detachment process is very different from nonBPD people.  From your/our perspective, we're thinking: "How can she let go so quickly?" "Maybe she never loved me?"

I think when she loved you, it was sincere.  However, she experiences disordered feelings that affect the way she processes intimacy/attachment. And when she tells you that she can only be friends right now, she is always being sincere.  She did not lie to you about loving you before. But there is a good chance that moving forward, she might believe that she never loved you either. This kind of behavior is yet another aspect of this disorder (i.e. lack of object constancy).


I understand that her behavior is vastly different now compared to before.  Before, she probably could not tolerate not hearing from you within a limited interval of time. Now you might feel like you are the one who is requiring more attention to affirm your rapport.  You are still attached to her (to a degree) and this is normal (I think) because nonBPD do not detach in such a black and white manner.  However, she is (for now) clearly detached from you.

Maybe she hasn't been seeing anyone.  Maybe not. Maybe she is interested in attaching to someone else. And maybe it's not "official" yet.


I think there is a good chance that she is depending on you to help her limit her deficiencies when it comes to building relationships with other people.  From my perspective, if she did not have you around, then she might jump "all in" the first person she feels she has a connection with.  With you around, then she is more able to pursue a more "balanced" relationship -- i.e. date someone that she does not jump "all in" at the beginning. But then she would be using you.


I think you should do what is in your own best interest.  Don't doubt that she is perfectly capable of taking care of her own needs.

Best wishes,

Schwing

I heard basically the same exact thing from my BPDw, immediately after an insanely passionate idealization phase. Once the behavior cycling gets this extreme, there is no way you can ever trust that the next recycle/idealization phase (if there even is another one, and this isn't the final discard) is genuine.

Trying to get your head around all of it will drive you crazy and make you feel horrible about yourself (codependency rearing it's ugly head only makes it worse), so the best thing is to figure out of you can feel good about yourself without her idealization and approval.