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I feel like somebody just killed me. I just recently was living with my girlfriend and we needed to find another place because the lease was up and the rent was really high.

We searched for the house, signed for the lease she selected the house. By the way she also has a son 4. We started moving taking 2 days she seemed like something was going on and I was patiently waiting for timing.  After we finished moving the second day she went to the store just like honesty everything was pretty good... .We had just moved closer to her mom's.

I never saw her again.  She called me and said she never wants to see me again...  I mean never see my face again. She said I could have everything but of course I gave her the place at that moment of course... .

I am devastated... . She won't talk the phone she only responds by email and I just lost my whole world and everything I worked every day... . She was my best friend... . I have done everything known in God's world and I'm dead to her... . I feel like my family died in a car accident and I talk yo ghosts... ..  This haunting I feel so ashamed and scared and angry and absolutely alone... . I cant stop crying or even harder to believe... . I'm in shock... . I didn't know she had it... .BPD... .  She said when we met that earlier in life she would sometimes get depressed... . Help... .  

I feel like God died as well... . Or he is in shock too... .

I'm sorry man! My girl abandon me out of no where as well. Blocked me from all communication and has made impossible to reach out. I feel your pain and I know many people on these boards have too! I'm 6 weeks out and starting to feel strength inside of me and to not be a victim. Remember these people are mentally ill. If you believe you connection was strong and happened for literally no reason, I believe that she will come back. The best advice I can give you is to go NC. That will be the best way for you to get her back. I'm going NC for myself and to get myself back. I believe with NC my ex will comeback. I doubt I want to bring her back into my life, but I believe I'll have the option to do so. Be strong man! It is a gut blow and the first few weeks will suck. Believe me I still get that pit in my stomach. Remember its not because of you. It's there internal feelings and their self loathing that makes these happen. Try and take care of yourself, go NC and know it has nothing to do with you. You'll make this and odds are she will come around. But this is only the beginning... .

James,
I am so sorry to read what you suffered, and what you're suffering still. You say you're in shock, and that is entirely understandable and natural at this point. It is very hard to process such an abrupt departure by a person we love. There are no easy answers to a situation like this, but you're in the right place. There are many people here who understand the pain and the heartache that follow in the wake of this kind of shock. You might find this reading helpful too:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

You say you gave your girlfriend the new place. Do you have a place of your own where you're staying now? Do you have close friends and family to lean on? Keep reading and posting here if you're struggling to find your orientation in all of this. And be good to yourself.

Hello James, this sounds traumatic and I'm also so sorry for what has happened to you. I too hope you have caring people around you who can help support you now. We can help you too. You mention contact is still open via email. What's the outcome of that so far?

It's shocking and painful to be abandoned like that.  What is she saying in her emails in way of explanation? 

She stated that she didn't feel comfortable with me anymore...   And that she was done... . 

We were more to each other than two sentences... .  When she sent that and Even when I got her call it was if 2 days went bye

.  She was so down the road in a conversation with me and I don't remember even being present... .  When she called it seemed like she had been thinking about it it got a week... .

I'm 47 years old... .  I have never witnessed anything like this... . 

I believe that her cousin is gas lighting me as well because of hers broken relationship... .  Additionally her cousin came back into her life because of a failed relationship... .  And I could feel her... .  But my girlfriend she won't be even talk to me... .  It feels like she has been through this a million times... .  When I contact her and see is in a bad mood she just tells me two move the ___ on... .  We never talked to each other like this... ...   She says when she ends it she never goes back... ..  I'm telling you that she doesn't even use that vocabulary before the last few days... ...   It's like the person I was with is a diffrent person now... ...   When I get super scared and want to just show up she says she will get a restraining order on me... ..  I'm not that man... .  I just saw the woman I loved is talking in a way that is out of my mind... .  It's the darkest interaction I have ever had... .  She will respond to me but always making sure I understand it's over... .  She seemed open yesterday or last night night for about 2 hours... .  But really I was very vulnerable and when she appeared receptive it seemed move like I was in a set up to be purposefully hurt bad... ... .  So I'm never doing that again... .

So now her and her cousin are like two pees in a pod... .And at the most emotional moment she got on the phone and just humiliated me... .  The more desperate I become the uglier it gets

It's good that you recognise this and the need to protect yourself. What's the plan. What are you going to do next? Are you able to stop contacting her and let things lie for a bit? Do you think that might help you recover from the shock a little?

I want you to know when this hit me for ten days I melted down completely... .  No threats or anything but I was completely ___ emotional and

I will disclose more... .  what I'm about ready to disclosed a moderator may need to contact me because out of the middle of no where... .  I feel free to share... .  I'm going to discuss complex PTSD yes and it have been in EMDR for 12 years... .  And through trauma and recovering I met her... .  I am currently on a 2 year break... .  That's me... ...   MODERATOR  DO YOU WANT ME TO CONTINUE BECAUSE I NEED TO TELL EVERYTHING AND I NEED TO TALK... .  I REALLY AM ON A TWO YEAR BREAK ANDY THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'M GOING TO PROCESS THROUGH NATURAL SUPPORTS... .

Hi James509,

I'm so very sorry that you had to go through this. Being left so abruptly is extremely painful. I fully understand your feeling that you are in shock. I know I would be, too.

What kind of support system do you have in place, James? Have you contacted your therapist? What about friends and/or family? It's so important to rally a support system around you at times like these.

I'm glad you reached out to us—many of us have been in similar situations and understand the shock of a sudden ending—and I hope you can also get some face-to-face support.

We're here for you 

heartandwhole

I want to join the others in welcoming you James. I have some familiarity with CPTSD and what it feels like to have a BPD partner just suddenly leave.


This is a very good realization to have. When my uBPDxw disappeared I had to realize that too before I could get out of the fog. I begged, pleaded, cajoled, and did every manner of action that I could think of to try to get her to show me the slightest kibble of anything that resembled love.

I didn't know it at the time, but I was holding on so hard because my subconscious was reliving all of the feelings and abandonment I had because of my family of origin (FOO). I was desperately trying to win the love that had been denied me.

The harder I tried, the more she would hurt me, and the more the idea that I was worthless and unlovable was reinforced. Does that sound familiar?

At its worst, the pain of abandonment and neglect after she left brought me to the point of attempting suicide. It took breaking all contact with her to start to recover. Do you think that you could do that if you haven't already?

James509,

It sounds like you're struggling with something very heavy and significant. This is a safe community. Feel free to share when you are comfortable to do so  (keeping your anonymity and that of others intact--- this keeps us safe here).

Turkish

I am so sorry this sounds so heartbreaking. Sending virtual hugs

In response to Turkish... .  Wow your damn right on the desperate act for attention or yes love  and having CPTSD. ... .  In relation to suicide... .  I do the homicidal suicidal thing... .  It's been a few years thank God but on Friday night yes it started... .  Was able by prayers and bilateral tapping to get some kind of regulation and stop adrenaline dump... .

Hi James509:  
I'm so sorry your are having a difficult time.  I wanted to share a few links that might be helpful to you.  There is a link below to a crisis text line.  :)o you have a phone number to a crisis line to talk to someone by phone, when you have suicidal thoughts?

The links below can help with suicide prevention. 

SUICIDE AND CRISIS SUPPORT
       https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

TEXT CRISIS LINE
www.crisistextline.org/how-it-works/

PANIC LIST FOR DISTRESS TOLERANCE
   www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html

In terms of building support here around me. By the grace of God no ___. I was able to go back home to parents house... .  They love me but have been through a lot with me since I have CPTSD if you get that... .  I would be possibly in a hospital if not... .

James 509: 
 Does your reference to "homicidal suicidal thing" mean that you have had some thoughts in the past of harming someone else in addition to yourself?  If I understand you correctly, you are saying you don't have those thoughts currently, is that correct?

I'm glad to hear that you are staying at your parent's house right now.  Is it possible that you can see a therapist for some counseling?  Perhaps your parent's can assist you, if you need some help with that?

No I would be in a perceived situation that I feel is an injustice to me where my perception is you are trying to take my reality away which my perception would be I would die.  ( HOLY ___ I DIDN'T SEE THIS) ... .  Or a perverse injustice... .  I would then go to resolve the issue with the willingness to die if need be... .covert homicidal... .  I guess what I'm saying is place myself in a situation that could get me killed... .  Like show up some place and they call law enforcement and I refuse to comply... .  Etc... .  Or maybe the people at that place would feel threatened and I could die... .  Or obviously everything in reverse... .

So in relation to this, yes at a insane juncture I perceived she was yes indeed trying to kill me... .  She actually knew that... .  And when I saw that I knew there was more here going on and then the disclosure of BPD and the silent type... .  And then I knew

HEY JAMES: 


Have you found EMDR helpful for your PTSD?  You say you have been in it for 12 years. Does your situation with PTSD relate a particular life event or situation (perhaps military service?) Has anything other than EMDR helped you with your PTSD? 

Are you currently seeing a therapist for some individual therapy?  You sound like you are in a lot of pain and anguish right now.  Do you have a friend of a certain family member you can talk to about it? 

When I was age from age 1 through 11 I was sexually assaulted, raped, tortured and molested and by father's side of family grandma and grandpa and and another group for the purpose of manufacturing  child pornography I guess ring... ..  Also was involved in a program of people who torture children to break them down to be exploited for other criminal reasons for the future. Ended as federal reco act in 1978. I rarely talk of this... .  It's beyond imagination... . 

EMDR we usefull but because the level of violence and exploitation I am currently unable to get to 70 of the actual episodes because of safety issues resulting in me leaving EMDR and proper shelving.

James509:

I'm so very sorry for the abuse you suffered as a child.  I can't even begin to imagine how horrible it was for you and what you went through.  It can be difficult to get rid of horrible thoughts about the past. 

When you feel up to reading some articles, the two links below could be helpful.  Sometimes, we need to do a little work to change our thought process (rewrite the script in our head).

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;all

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0;all

Have you tired some meditation or exercises for mindfulness? 

The link below is to a 12-minute YouTube video.  It contains a nice visual of moving water and guided thoughts for 12 minutes.  Watch it and listen to it, then come back and tell us if you found it helpful in any way (perhaps change what you may be ruminating on):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

I want you to know first of all Nibbler I want to thank you for all of your time to this point.  Feedback for you would be that your redirection based on outlined reflection of my comments is incredibly effective and I don't know if you are aware of exactly what you choose to point on but you have caught me a few times... .  You have no idea how helpful that was last night because I started to gently and full on ball my eyes out for well over an hour... .  And I was so triggered that for the most part that's not possible... .  Additionally this tool of messaging on this along with your feedback... .  How fortunate BPD folks are... .  I have never seen this for CPTSD... .   I'm a DBT MENTOR by the way... . That's how I met my post mate... .  I want you to know that I can now see how much of a role I truly played in the split... .  Based on BPD model she really had no chance... .  And of course I want to share it with her... .  And I'm not... ..  I just want you to know that when she softened on me was when I emailed her from a wise mind then went to emotional mind and she felt manipulated and and went NC on me... .  I would to... .  Now I'm just lost... .  I feel panic when I think of loosing her forever... .  I call it a fever... .  Reason why is because it was the best relationship I ever had... .  There was no fighting and we helped each other... ..  And I see I placed her in a double bind... .because I was not taking care of business... .

I am interested in your comments on that lastly message... .

Hi James,

I don't want to hijack your thread by shifting away from you and your BPD ex. I do, however, encourage you to reach out to a another resource which may help support you with the past sexual abuse specifically:

rainn.org (https://www.rainn.org/index.php)

Turkish

Hi Turkish... .  Thank you for last night... .  I don't want to talk about my sexual abuse... .  That's not the issue at the moment but what do you mean by your last message?  Can you say that in a different way?

I mean to say that the above resource can help you connect with fellow survivors and get support about the abuse, if you want to talk about it.

We are certainly here to help you understand your relationship with your BPD partner.

T

Nibler asked me questions about that... .  I am not here to work on that here... .  If anyone was offended I'm sorry... .

James 509:
I'm happy to learn that some of my posts may have been helpful for you.  I know it was difficult for you to share information about your abuse, as a child.  Sometimes, we need to share some things with others in order to heal.  As Turkish mentioned, you are in a safe place to share.


Wise mind is definitely a better place to be as opposed to emotional mind.  It is good that you were able to reflect upon your situation and find that you could improve upon some communication strategy.  None of us are perfect, and most of us slip up at times.

I'm going to share a few more tools with you to try.  You might find that some of the suggestions below could be helpful for you.

You might find the following book helpful:
THE HAPPINESS TRAP (Based on ACT Therapy):
I bought the Kindle version for my Ipad. If you go to the website below, you can print out several handouts/workbook sheets to use with trying some of the mental exercises in the book:

https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/free_resources

The link below leads to a mindfulness exercise from the book, "The Happiness Trap".  Check it out.  If you give mindfulness practice a try, you might find it a helpful to tame a runaway mind.

https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf

I've found a few breathing exercises that I find helpful, during tense moments.  My favorite is the 4-7-8 breathing exercise from the link below:

www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

Turkish where you the one that talked to me about being in a state of acting helpless? Or what was the word?

Desperate... . That's the word... . It seemed like when I was like that she did in fact hit harder... . When I'm confident and calm she is slightly open... . I was only able to show her that once... .

How rare is it that both people have BPD?

Do you saying you have BPD?

How rare is it that the person who thinks their mate has BPD and really its them themselves?

How rare is it that both people have BPD?

I just absolutely failed the assessment... .  Omg... .  I feel crushed... .Yes absolutely I failed but CPTSD and BPS are linked to child trauma... ... .  I still have complex PTSD... .  With borderline reatures. ... .  CPTSD you will need to have a MRI And blood work looking for build up chemicals released by the brain and Damage to the adrenal glands... .

Sad... .  Wow

How rare is it that the person who thinks their mate has BPD and really its them themselves?

How rare is it that both people have BPD?

I still am in need of input on these... .

I would not pass the dsmr... .I remember this all now... ... .  Yes I have the key trigger of abandonment but in other places where perception is involved I do not have in particular... .  But other forms of DISASOCIATED and paranoia covert revenge... ..  Etc... .  the main principle that I do operate from is that I have to take a look at my own hundred percent in everything that's going on and what my behaviors will my reactions to what my emotions are in my being honest dishonest etcetera etcetera

I have not a single suicide attempt... .  I have never had a plan... .  Have I ever imagined walking out into traffic yes... .  But I have never repedivly thought nor walked one step following a thought... .  But I have been psychotic... .  And delusional but never heard a voice... .Black outs in DID... .disassociative identity disorder I like when you would be going someplace and never know how you even got there can't remember which path you took and some very very intense experience around paranoia thought disturbances not lately though LOL

James509;

Don't get too hung up on labels.  Most people have a BPD trait or two.  The diagnosis of a personality disorder or mental illness can sometimes be a bit subjective.  I've read multiple comments where the person with BPD (pwBPD) has had a different diagnosis from different professionals.  It is sometimes best to focus on managing specific symptoms. 

Amen to that... .there are similar deficits... ..  Very... .   Thank god

DID can be a result of extreme childhood sexual abuse.

It can be harmful to go too far in auto-diagnosing one's self.  This specifically is best explored with a professional.

Regarding BPD, I may have had some traits being raised by a BPD mother.  This is all something you can work through.  We are a support group, and while this is helpful,  we encourage using this resource in conjunction with therapy.  I went regularly for about two years,  and though I wasn't diagnosed with anything other than generalized anxiety,  it was a tremendous help to talk to someone professional and caring.  

I have been legally diagnosed... .  I just found that I would do anything to not loose my BPD... .